A/N I do not own TMNT, but I am forever grateful for their existence.

Just looked at my notes at the bottom. Apparently I was quite chatty when I wrote them...

Love or Blood

Chapter 21: A Guide in the Rain

Leonardo stared down at the words before him.

A cluster of lines, carefully arranged to form shapes and patterns, had made him pause. Even with the star mere inches from his throat, somehow the tactician, who still resided somewhere deep inside his forgotten core, had found a way through that empty abyss to move his fingers.

To drag them through the earth. To leave one final mark. To remember one last memory.

To a time when he had led

Before the invasion, before his fall from heaven, before ever committing himself to any particular strategy, Leonardo always examined every option available. He once was an organized being and there once was a time when he found relief in writing each proposed plan in his careful script on a single sheet of loose-leaf.

It had been months since Leonardo wrote such a list, yet there in the sand, sat two simple lines.

A beginning and an end

1. I kill myself

2. I go back and pretend that everything's fine

Two lines. Twin statements. Dual intent

Was this all the universe had left to offer? Were these his only choices?

Once Leonardo had relished such simple problems that, due to their nature alone, only possessed a few different solutions. Yet somehow, the uneven distribution of those millions of tiny crystals, shards, and stones did not seem so simple.

Maybe two choices did not mean easier decisions.

Hadn't he once known that? Hadn't someone once told him to be patient?

Foggy memories

They clouded his mind and hurt his brain. Still, his eyes would not leave those painful words. Tears began to fall, and no matter how many times he brushed them aside, the deluge continued.

As though his own soul were leaking away

Maybe it wasn't so simple. Maybe complexity hid in simplicity. One thing he did know: he didn't like his choices.

His brain felt like a patch of mud in a far distant sea, and each wave pounded at the inside of his skull, but somehow he knew there was something he was forgetting. Something he had forgotten. Something important.

For a long time only his tear drops left dark marks on the earth. Leonardo thought it was funny something that started out so clear and pure always ended in darkness. Maybe tears were not the soul itself, but the spirit releasing the beliefs it once thought to be true. Then, only at the very end, did the lies reveal their true intentions. Yet, how did one's soul come to purge such energy?

How did one learn they had been wrong? How did one learn the truth? How did one find their way back?

He needed a guide.

His eyes widened, as he suddenly saw colour – long thought lost – ignite his vision as though his irises had transformed into a veritable prism with the dawn of iridescent realization.

Shaking, dappled, leaf green fingers touched the brown, grey, gold, yellow, white, and black grains.

3. I need help

For several minutes, Leonardo stared dumb-founded at those

three

monosyllabic

words.

His brain exploded with thought. A roar of memories flooded to the surface. Stimuli cracked along his dark walls. Not just colour, but smell, taste, sound, and touch. How long had the birds been singing? How long had his nails had grains of sand shoved so close to the cuticle? How long had it been since he smelt spring? Wet. Earthy. Beautiful Spring.

Yet, those feelings paled at the memory that had somehow clawed its way to the forefront of his consciousness. Battling back demons both foreign and native, both real and imagined, all protecting yet damning. Somehow it was there, and now it seemed so obvious.

Whenever he had struggled in the past to form a plan, his brothers had always stepped in to add thoughts and ideas. His one piece of paper always started as a neat and simple set of lines until his brothers came in and dug out the truth. What began as a way to relieve his mind of hundreds of whirling thoughts had become a colossal, chaotic collaboration, and Leonardo loved every minute of it. It started with him, but they always were there to end it together.

Leonardo had never had to ask either; his brothers always just seemed to know. Yet, they had not intervened this time.

The blue-clad turtle frowned at that thought, before realizing that it couldn't be true. Everyone in the household had been trying to help: from April cooking and practically force-feeding him, to Raphael just sitting with him in companionable silence, but most of all, Michelangelo had been there doing everything in his power to get his idea on his big brother's paper. A paper that been telling Leonardo lies while hiding his brothers' words, and would do so no more.

For now he knew,
and Leonardo wept
for all he almost lost.

He did not know how he had gotten so far away from his family, but he knew he couldn't continue going on this way. Leonardo now knew if he did, in time he would return to his list in the sand. Gradually, it would become more and more appealing. Every dance with oblivion could always end with being led through those gates, and it was a risk Leonardo did not want to take again, no matter how sweet the song.

He did not move until well after dawn, but when he did, he left his words in the sand. The waves would erase them in time, and when that time came, Leonardo prayed he would have a new list formed by four hands.

The turtle stood and wobbled precariously on his legs – beyond weakened from exhaustion and low blood sugar – but Leonardo grit his teeth, and through his tears – he still could not get them to stop – he turned back in the direction he had come.

Only then did he realize he was being watched.

If it hadn't moved that one silverberry bush just so, he would have missed it. Yet, just as the branches began to settle, Leonardo had caught a brief glimpse of two eyes staring directly at him. He stepped forward, but as quickly as they appeared, they were gone.

The turtle searched the edge of the woods and just before he was about to give up, he spied movement. This time a slender hoof. He began to follow it. A few prints here, a flash of brown fur there, but after at least half-an-hour, Leonardo knew the nature of his quarry. For at last, it revealed itself in the shade of the ancient canopy.

A stag.

Delicate yet bold antlers perched upon its crown. The faint whisper of breath from its noble body. Deep brown eyes reflected all it saw, hinting at all of creation's deepest secrets while simultaneously penetrating into Leonardo's very soul.

Leonardo began to creep toward it, when suddenly a voice broke through the mesmerizing silence, "Because I'm a monster."

The turtle turned his head towards the sound of his brother, Raphael. When he returned his attention back to the stag, it had vanished as though it had never been. Leonardo gasped, "No way…"

Before Donatello's voice caught his attention, "No. It's because she loves you."

With the deer obviously gone, the eldest reptile continued in the direction of his brothers. Raphael stuttered, "L-love?"

Donatello answered with a note of melancholy in his voice, "Yeah Raph. In the kitchen yesterday, swimming, even when you were both spitting fire just now. She looks at you like… Like you're an angel. Like she'd never seen a sunrise, never felt winter's first snowflakes, never smelt autumn's crispness, until she met you."

Leonardo's eyes widened, unknowingly blushing alongside his brothers. He could not believe he had missed something so important transpiring within his family. As he drew closer, he continued to strain his ears in an attempt to catch all he had missed. Raphael sounded bewildered, "You serious?"

"Dude, it's totally obvious to everyone but you." His baby brother's voice made his heart leap to his mouth. Leonardo had so much he wanted to say to this particular brother.

Donatello continued, "And you look at her the same way."

Finally through the foliage, Leonardo caught sight of Raphael as he spoke, "Shit… I'm such an idiot."

Next he saw Michelangelo walk over to his brother while shrugging sympathetically, "Don't worry bro, it runs in the family."

Lastly his eyes landed on Donatello, "It's true. I'm the biggest idiot of them all."

Leonardo could not resist. He emerged from the trees to shake his head at his second youngest brother, "No way Don. That title is definitely mine."

In that moment he could not describe how grateful he was to see them all smile at his appearance as they cried unison, "LEO!"

Naturally, Michelangelo launched himself immediately at his eldest brother, "You're back!"

Leonardo felt his eyes watering once more, as he crushed his baby brother into the biggest hug he could muster, "Yeah Mikey I'm back. I'm finally back."

Then the eldest unleashed the first real smile he had felt in months. For a moment, his brothers gawked in disbelief. Their Leader wasn't surprised. They had probably thought the brother before them would never return, but somehow he had. Still, Leonardo knew he had a lot of work to do if he was going to stay. When no one immediately spoke, he took his opportunity, "Guys, I need to ask you for something."

Raphael grinned at the unexpected humility their Fearless Leader was displaying, "Just name it Leo."

The blue-clad turtle smiled appreciatively at his red-clad brother, before rubbing his shoulder nervously, "It's hard to start. So… Um…" Michelangelo squeezed his brother's hand affectionately, which gave Leonardo the courage to continue. He had to do this. If he didn't, he knew what awaited him, "I haven't been feeling so… So good lately."

Donatello stepped forward worry on his face, "Are you in pain? Did I miss something when I treated your injuries?"

The eldest placed a comforting hand on his anxious sibling, "No Don, you did great. I mean… I am in pain," Leonardo caught Raphael's green eyes give him a knowing look, "But not from something like that."

He expelled a breath, pulling away from Michelangelo and Donatello so he could pace. Leonardo had not expected this to be so difficult, but the shame was beginning to creep up his legs, carried by those dark smothering tentacles. He swallowed and set his jaw. Leonardo needed to say this, "I've been feeling like this a long time, and… and well lately it was becoming… I mean I was becoming… I uh…"

Suddenly Raphael was before him, "Leo, you don't have to say it-"

Meeting his gaze, Leonardo interrupted, "No Raphael. I need to say it."

The red-clad turtle before him nodded, while the youngest siblings exchanged wary looks. Once more their Leader dove into the deep end, "I was feeling really bad guys. Like… Like I wasn't even myself anymore, and I have to be honest with you…" He took another deep breath, "I don't know how long I have until those feelings… Until I… Or if I… I mean – I might still disappear..."

Michelangelo spoke softly, "This is about more than you wandering around in the woods, isn't it?"

Leonardo sighed, "Yes."

Raphael looked towards the wooded horizon, folding his arms, "It's like you go away and don't even realize you're gone until you come back."

The blue-clad turtle nodded, "Yeah and my body's here, but my mind – I'm not. But it's not a mental vacation. It really… It really hurts, and I was there in that place for so long… I didn't know how to get back or even what getting back meant… Because… Because I didn't even know I was gone."

Raphael muttered, "Like your brain is lying to you."

"Exactly," Leonardo affirmed, "So that was bad enough, but then I stopped sleeping. Food tasted like cardboard and… And I just wanted the pain to stop."

Donatello gave his brother a wounded look, "Leo, I had no idea. I'm sure I could have-"

Leonardo shook his head, "No Don. There was nothing you could do then, because I didn't even know what was wrong. Trust me, Michelangelo tried everything, but I needed to make the decision for myself, which didn't happen until…

He needed to tell them, to make them understand, but suddenly Leonardo was terrified, "I… I was hearing things… And feeling nothing and everything at once. So I ended up deep in the woods. I guess subconsciously part of me was trying to find a way back, but then the alternative presented itself… And I… And I…" He forced himself to say it even though it sent daggers of pain through his soul, "And I almost took it."

Both Donatello's and Michelangelo's eyes widened in horror while Raphael's mouth formed a thin line as he spoke, "But you didn't."

Blue met green, "No I didn't. And I don't ever want to go back there. So now I'm here, and I need you guys to help me stay here."

Michelangelo jumped onto his brother again, "Leo bro, I can be on guard 24/7 if you want!"

Trying to convey how grateful he was, Leonardo hugged his brother back, "You've already done so much Mikey. I know I wasn't really with it, or the nicest to you, but I am so lucky to have you as a little brother."

The youngest briefly beamed, before pulling away with a more serious expression on his face, "I'll do whatever you need me to Leo. Even if you fight me every step of the way, if it means keeping you healthy, I'll do it."

"I can do some research," Donatello interjected, "I'm sure just what you experienced alone is causing you to have some post-traumatic stress symptoms. Not to mention, the concussion you had was pretty nasty so I'm sure that hasn't helped."

Raphael wrapped an arm around his older brother's shoulders, "See Leo, you didn't even have to ask."

Leonardo smiled appreciatively at his immediate younger sibling while Donatello spoke somewhat quietly while rubbing his arm, "I've got your back Leo," he looked at his red-clad brother, "I'm always be there for my brothers even if I can be stupid sometimes."

The turtle leader was relinquished from his brother's grasp so that Raphael could move towards Donatello, "You really mean that Don?"

This time brown met green, "Yes."

Raphael absently dug his foot into the dirt, "So you forgive me then? You're cool if April and I…"

Donatello shook his head, "Raph you have nothing to be sorry for. I was the one who treated you like a total ass. I mean… It probably will take me a bit to recover, but if you and April are happy together, then I'll be fine."

The red-clad turtle quirked an eye ridge skeptically, "Just to clarify, is that an I'm-saying-I'm-fine-but-am-actually-anything-but fine or an I'm-actually-cool-with-this fine?"

The addressed turtle sheepishly smiled, "The second."

Raphael began to count off his fingers, "So no more left-handed jabs?"

Donatello grinned fiendishly, "Only the ones that form from my deep and sincere brotherly love for you."

Said brother rolled his eyes, "So no more I "stole the love or your life" comments?"

Donatello replied more solemnly, "Definitely no more of those."

Raphael nodded in approval while ticking off his last and third finger on his right hand, "So no more fairy tales revolving around me being a monster?"

In a rare display of affection Donatello wrapped an arm around Raphael's shoulders, "Naw. If anything I'm the ugly duckling in the story. You're too short to be a swan."

The two brothers sealed the deal by Raphael tackling Donatello to the ground. While the two quarrelling brothers rolled around on the grass, Michelangelo looked thoughtfully at Leonardo, "Say, if you were walking all night, how'd you get back here so fast?"

"I don't know Mikey," Once again, Leonardo could have sworn he saw a glimpse of the same majestic antlers peeping out of the underbrush. As they disappeared, Leonardo shook his head, "But maybe the solution is more obvious than we think."

He gave Michelangelo a mischievous grin, before diving for him too. Soon the four brothers were laughing amongst their tussle, while a stag wandered off into the woods to return another day.

The weather began to turn as the four reptiles eventually set out towards the old farmhouse. Sunlight slowly sifted through greying clouds, and the smell of moisture tinged the air. There were no signs of thunder heads, and the wind had not picked up, but the darkening clouds heralded that a shower was coming.

As they came into sight of their current residence, the turtles were met by a solemn Casey Jones resting on the porch steps. Based on the tightening of Raphael's jaw, Leonardo knew that something was amiss. Michelangelo spoke first, "Hey Casey! Check out who we found in the woods!"

The vigilante gave a smile to the blue-clad turtle's wave, but before the welcome could continue, Raphael interjected with a grim voice, "Where's April?"

Casey sighed, "Not here man. She took off a while ago, but she gave me this."

Before anyone could even glance at the small piece of crunched paper in Casey's hand, Raphael had it in his grasp and had automatically distanced himself from the group as his eyes skimmed over the words. Abruptly he asked, "What time is it?"

Everyone shrugged except Donatello who pulled out his trusty t-phone, "Half past two. Why?"

"Shit." Raphael cursed, and then, without another word, pelted back into the forest.

The remaining turtles gawked at in the direction of their departed brother before turning their attention to Casey with questioning eyes. The human raised his hands in defense, "Hey don't look at me! I didn't piss her off."

Donatello tentatively asked, "Did she say anything about what I did?"

Casey rubbed the back of his head, "See, that's the weird thing. I thought she would be ready to scorch flames at you and Raph, but she didn't. I mean she didn't say much after I calmed her down, but when she was crying she kept talking about how it was "her fault.""

"Aw geez…" Michelangelo muttered before – to Leonardo's surprise – pointedly asking, "What did the note say?"

The vigilante shook his head, "No way bro, we're not going there. She made me swear I wouldn't read it."

Leonardo felt his eyes widen as Michelangelo procured an assertive tone he had no idea his baby brother possessed, "What did it say Casey?"

The human looked just as stunned before snapping, "Seriously Mikey, I. Don't. Know. I didn't read it!"

Michelangelo frowned, "So Raph just went God-knows-where to find April who could be in who-the-hell knows?"

Casey rubbed his hair again, "Uh, more or less."

At his youngest brother's black look, Donatello gave Leonardo a sharp stare before grabbing Casey, "Come on Jones. I want to set up an indoor arena to train in the barn, and that roof needs to be fixed before it starts raining again."

"Dude," Casey grumbled, "I literally just felt a drop on my face. I ain't getting on no roof!"

Donatello snapped, "Just come on," and the two disappeared into the ancient crimson structure.

Leonardo looked at his youngest brother who still bore an annoyed expression. The blue-clad turtle tilted his head briefly in thought, before resting his hand on the smaller's shoulder, "Mikey, can I talk to you?"

The orange-clad turtle's face lightened at the touch. Blue eyes widened in curiosity, "'Sup Leo?"

The eldest gestured to the porch and Michelangelo followed to sit by him at the top of the steps where they were sheltered from the rain. It was only lightly drizzling now, but it was only a matter of time until it turned into a heavy downpour. The two sat in silence for a moment, shoulder-to-shoulder, before Leonardo spoke, "I am really sorry Mikey."

Michelangelo waved his hands in refusal, "You have nothing to apologize for bro. You've been through a lot."

The elder sighed, "And so have you."

His younger brother's eyes flicked quickly to Leonardo's before staring off into the greying distance before mumbling, "It's cool Leo. I'm fine. Between Don, Raph, and you, I'm the last turtle you should worry about."

"Somehow I doubt that."

Fidgeting, Michelangelo tapped his heels against the wooden steps, before plastering a smile on his face, "Look who you're talking to Leo! Dr. Prankenstein is immune to sorrow!"

"Mikey…"

"Seriously Leo, I'm like the king of optimism, the turtle of sunshine, the-"

Leonardo cut him off, "Don't lie to yourself Michelangelo."

"I'm-"

The blue-clad turtle plowed on, "No. I'm not going to let what happened to me happen to you. Look at me Mike."

When the orange-clad turtle continued to fix his gaze to the raining horizon, Leonardo summoned his own Leader voice, "Michelangelo, look at me."

Baby blue eyes, welling with tears, finally turned up to meet Leonardo's own fathomless indigo depths. Their eyes had always been so similar, and yet they had always been the most distinct. Leonardo would not relinquish his brother's stare, "Mikey, if you lie to yourself every day, eventually you will come to believe those lies were always the truth. Then one day," Leonardo's eyes filmed over in painful recollection, "you wake up and realize that for years you have been living a lie."

Michelangelo quietly questioned, "Leo…?"

Leonardo closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He now knew what was the truth, but it still was difficult to release the binds he had attached to those lies. "You know I've always been a perfectionist Mikey. A hundred-and-ten percent or not at all, you know?" The younger nodded, "Well over time, I thought being perfect was my purpose in life and that if I wasn't, I had failed my calling. Secretly, I believed that if I failed at that, then not only would I have failed myself and my family, but I would no longer even deserve the right to exist.

"Then I lost to Shredder. Really lost. I was truly defeated and thought I was going to die, and when I realized I couldn't even manage an honourable death, well I… I finally was faced with the truth. That no matter how hard I tried, I could never obtain perfection, and my life's purpose suddenly was unreachable.

"Just like that, my core mantra was dismissed, and I no longer knew what was real and what was false. What other lies had my brain told me? What lies was it telling me now? I became paranoid and thought you all were lying too.

"I was alone and afraid all because reality was too hard to bear. So I retreated. Yes, somehow I did manage to find my way back, but I'm still in pain partially because of the hole that those lies left behind.

"So please Mikey, please don't start lying to yourself too. It's ok to admit it's been hard. It's ok to admit you're hurting. You don't have to always be happy and you don't always have to be strong. Just be you… Just be you..."

Half-way through the speech Leonardo had begun to cry again, and Michelangelo had started to rub his carapace, but now that he was done speaking, he threw himself on to his little brother. Feeling his tears stream down in a hot river of release, Leonardo choked out, "Please… I don't want you to ever feel as alone as I did. I love you too much baby bro."

Then Leonardo felt a hiccup and pulled away to see Michelangelo's own face awash with tears. As each tear fell away onto the ground, a little dark spot was left behind leaving room for each bit of Michelangelo's soul to be healed, and with that realization Leonardo could only smile, "You know how proud I am of you Mikey?"

Finally, the youngest turtle sniffled out a reply, "You're proud of me?"

"Shell yeah!" Leonardo beamed, "I can't believe how much you've matured Mike. I know I still call you baby brother, and I probably always will, but you're really coming into your own."

The younger chuckled, "Heh. Guess we all have to grow up sometime…"

Leonardo placed a hand on his brother's shoulder, "If pranks and video games make you happy Mikey then do them. As long as you're happy with yourself, I'll be proud of you."

Michelangelo nodded, "Deal, but the same goes for you Leo. Whether you're perfect or not, you'll always be our Leader and you'll always be our brother."

The blue-clad turtle nodded, "Thanks Mikey. I think I can shake to that."

They grasped each other's hand and nodded in affirmation before sinking back into companionable silence. Eventually, Michelangelo spoke, "Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm proud of you too."

Leonardo wrapped an arm around Michelangelo, and the two brothers leaned in against each other. Sitting side-by-side, watching the rain fall while savouring the sweet smell and gentle rhythmic patter, the brothers carefully stored a memory that would always be theirs and theirs alone.

A/N Michelangelo and Leonardo brotherly fluff 3

One more chapter to go guys… The end is near… I still don't know how I feel about it…

And now something a little more somber:

I know that to some of you Leonardo's chapters may have hit closer to home. I have done my best to try and approach the subject matter in a sensitive and respectful manner, while still hopefully conveying to my audience a bit more perspective on such a complex topic.

On a related note, I'm not going to lie, life can be pretty shitty sometimes, but it's ok if you're struggling and it's ok to ask for help. The reality is mental illness is a legitimate medical concern, and it comes in a variety of forms – any of which can be tremendously painful for both the patient and their loved ones.

I'm not interested in throwing statistics at you or debating anyone's views – which everyone is entitled to – but I just want to let those who are struggling – in any way – know they are not alone, and they don't have to go it alone.

Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there, because this topic hits closer to home for me as well. I've been on both sides of the fence, and neither is particularly pleasant. I won't go into any more details here, but of course, if any of you have questions or concerns feel free to message me. Just no flames please and thank-you.

To my ever lovely reviewers:

Terri: I know! This fic is such a beast! I have to say it's been a great ride for me as well. When I first decided to take this on, I knew it would be a gargantuan task, and I'd have to dig really deep if I was going to make it believable. There were some tough times and some good times (I totally teared up a bit when I had Leo return), but I still stuck with it and I am so glad I did. You and everyone's comments have really made this an unforgettable experience and knowing that my efforts were not just appreciated, but even loved is just totally mind-boggling to me! I am without a doubt infinitely grateful for every comment I have received.

Anyway I suppose I have talked enough for now, but I just gotta say YES GET AN ACCOUNT! Especially cuz I don't have a Tumblr (I am such a techno-phobe, which is weird considering how techie my generation is supposed to be) and once I'm done this fic there will be a lot less of our basking in our mutual Raphril love. Just saying conversations outside of fics are pretty sweet.

Guest: Thank-you so much! Haha yeah, I don't keep an exact schedule, but I try to update at least once a week. =)

vballplyr16: Thank-you! I shall definitely do my best =D

Mr. E: Yay! I know my Mikey deviates a bit from the canon, but I just feel like he has sooo much potential. So much hidden depth that has yet to be tapped, and so I just had to draw it out. Also, thank-you! I whole heartedly agree. Life is life, and even if it's crazy sometimes, I can't help but love it 3 =D Besides, even on the craziest days I still love my job so I really have nothing to complain about (that said I would have been cool if I hadn't gotten trapped in the elevator XD).

majishan: I know right?! Mikey is such a super star in disguise! I can't help but love him 3

turtlesrockmysocks: Thank-you! Aw man, it was a slight nightmare keeping track of it all. So to hear that it didn't just turn out well, but was "mesmerizing" is so good to hear (especially cuz I totally aim for that a lot by trying to make my prose semi-lyrical – some chapters obviously more than others depending on who's POV we're in)! I totally agree! Mikey is such a potential wealth of depth and awesomeness that is often seriously left untapped (I think of all reincarnations the comics probably did the best job on that aspect of his character). Haha yes! Ic just felt I needed some kind of comic relief to ease the drama. Kind of like Shakespeare's fools. Comic relief, but deep at the same time.

Komnenid: So there was a letter… But what did it say? Bwahaha you shall find out soon ;) I to say I'm happy Raph and Don are on better terms too. It took a while, but they finally got there.

ThePastReliesOnMemories: Yay! Bring on the happiness! Leo (as mentioned above) still has a lot of work to do. Something like this isn't something that just magically goes away I'm afraid, but at least Leo now recognizes that he needs help and is going to take the steps he needs to get better.

kamilaloveboysloveyai: Thank-you for reading and reviewing =)

ariesdragon2000: Sweet! I'm so pumped that my rendition of Mike is getting such a good reception! I think it's cuz so many of us feel like he has just so much untapped depth and potential. So I just couldn't help, but dig into it a bit. Yeah… Leo was really close. I won't deny it. Even now, he still has a lot of work to do to get better, but he's taken the first step, which in many things is often the most difficult. Haha I know this fic is such a beast! I think I'm around like 70,000 words or something ridiculous? Still I'm glad to hear that even after so many words I haven't bored people to death with all my turtle feels XD