Chapter 2

Sarah had assumed with her background wrapped up in security and espionage that it would have been straight forward to tell a simple lie, but when the time came, all she could do was raise her head from the pillow and look up, to find it was morning and Jake had walked into the bedroom and he was standing there looking tired and Jack was beside him. And then, just as it had dawned on her where she had fallen asleep, Jake's eyes clouded with confusion.

"Sarah," he had said, "Why are you asleep on Louie's bed?"

And she sat up sharply, blinked sleep from her eyes and looked at him in alarm as her mind groped desperately for an answer she could not give.

"Because I needed to be close to him and this room is all I have right now," was not an answer she dared to voice aloud.

"I was...I just..."

She knew she was faltering, and it came as a sweet relief when Jake spoke up again.

"You decided to tidy up the bar and make sure everything was in good order around here, because there was nothing else to do to keep your mind off the crash, and then you got tired and fell asleep?"

The look in his eyes was so full of kindness she hated herself for the secret emotions that swirled about in her heart as her concern for Louie became almost unbearable.

She nodded.

"Something like that...then I just fell asleep..." she paused, the last trace of sleep leaving her as she realised she had an urgent question of her own.

"Did you find the plane?"

He nodded.

She caught a look in his eyes that almost frightened her to death, it was a look of deep sorrow, and for one terrible moment she felt as if the world had stopped turning.

"Please tell me he's not...Louie's not dead..."

"We found the plane, it crash landed on an island about thirty miles south of here. The pilot didn't make it but Louie and Daisy did."

She wanted to get up but suddenly felt too weak after the ordeal of the worry she had been through, it was as if all the tension in her body had slipped away at once as she breathed a relieved sigh.

"Thank goodness for that! Are they both back? Where are they, Jake?"

And then she found her strength again and got up and took a couple of steps and she was in his arms, hugging him tightly as she struggled to hold back tears of relief.

"I'm so glad you saved them. I'm so glad Louie's okay."

"He's not. He's in a bad way."

She drew back from him as she heard pain in his voice and looked at him in alarm as her heart raced and she secretly wondered if she was evil for wishing serious injuries on Daisy instead of Louie.

"But I thought you said they were both okay?"

"Daisy had cuts and bruises. She wasn't on the side of the plane that was wrecked, most of it was intact, but the pilot and Louie got unlucky. Louie's in the hospital on the mainland, I stayed there half the night until I knew he was out of immediate danger. He had internal injuries, which they treated, but he also had a blow to the head that may have caused serious damage. The doctors can't say for sure that he's going to come through this. The plan is to keep him sedated and see how things go for the next few days. And even if he does make it, there are no guarantees he will ever recover. They just don't know, Sarah."

She looked at Jake and knew her eyes were filling with tears that refused to be held back, and as she gave a sob he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.

"I know," he said softly, "I feel like crying too, we all care about Louie."

And she sobbed again, feeling as if a train had just slipped the track and was hurtling into disaster as she lost all grip on the last ounce of control she had on her shattered emotions.

"I don't want him to die, Jake! Oh please not Louie, not him, I can't bear this!"

As Jake continued to hold her, he realised she was trembling as if she was about to crumble to the floor, and he held her tighter for a moment.

"Hey Sarah, calm down, look at me."

As he drew her back from his embrace and kept a steadying grip on her shoulders, she met his gaze with tearful eyes.

"Listen to me," he said, "The doctors are doing everything they can for him. He's in the best place right now, he's being taken care of, there's nothing else we can do, we just have to wait."

"I want to see him."

"Soon. We'll all go back, Daisy too."

"She's not with him?"

"She wanted to come back to the island, I guess she's shaken up, finding it hard to handle this."

Anger blazed in her tearful eyes.

"She's supposed to love him, what is she playing at, leaving him there all alone?"

As Jake looked at her, he got the oddest feeling as if Sarah was too upset, too emotional, he knew she cared a lot about Louie – they both did – but she seemed...too distressed ?

No, he couldn't make sense of it, and so he blamed himself for the lack of sleep, that had to be why he was thinking her reaction was so extreme. But as he saw the frightened look in her eyes and noticed how pale she had become, he still felt as if something, somewhere, was out of place.

"I remember when Genevieve shot her stepfather and Louie wanted to take the blame – he almost went to the guillotine for it and you didn't cry like this back then!" Jake said in surprise.

"That was before."

As the words slipped out of her mouth, she felt hit by a sense of horror at what she had just done:

She had just said far too much...

Jake looked at her intently.

"Before what?" he said, sounding confused.

"That was months ago – and I was counting on you to help him out, and you did...that was before, that was what I meant. Before this happened, before the plane crash. There was nothing you could do about that and you can't help him now, no one can... and I feel so useless!"

And she gave another sob, and as Jake pulled her into his arms and she clung to him and inhaled the scent of his leather jacket, she closed her eyes and felt a wave of regret that seemed all the sharper because she knew she could not undo what had happened:

She wished she did not know how it felt to be in Louie's arms, to feel that pull towards him that he could cause by a look or the brush of a fingertip across the back of her hand.

She wished she did not know how it felt to be lost in a moment of total abandonment as she clung to him and gasped his name in the dead of night as he breathed out slowly and his heart pounded against hers.

But she did know all of those things and she could never forget them, and knowing that made the prospect of losing him from her life forever all the more unbearable to contemplate...

This was the real price of all she had stolen with him in secret, she could see it now – she felt as if she were already grieving for his loss, and there was no one she could tell, no one to turn to, because Jake could never know... Perhaps this pain would stay with her for the rest of her life, maybe it would be all she was left with...

"It's going to be okay, Sarah,"she heard Jake say softly as he held her and ran his hand over her hair, "What ever happens, we'll get through it. I care about him too, we all do."

"I want to see him."

"I know, so do I – but Sarah, I'm tired I have to get some rest before I take that plane up in the air again."

"Of course you do, I know that," she replied.

And as her tears began to stop she still clung to him, knowing she belonged in the arms of Jake Cutter, and at the same time she felt guilty in a way that twisted her insides as she wished she had not been so relieved to have lied so well when he had asked her what before had meant – the part of her that was glad she still had Jake wanted to congratulate herself on twisting her reply so cleverly, whilst the regret she felt in her heart mixed with her concern for Louie, and the weight of the pain was almost too much to carry as again she wished she had never known how it felt to love a man as passionately and deeply as she had loved Bon Chance Louie.

Jake had left, with Jack scampering along beside him, and she had said she wanted to stay behind and clean up the bar for Louie.

It had been a relief to see Jake leave, and he had had been so tired he had not realised nothing needed doing in the bar – but at least she could stay there, close to the place that was full of memories of the man she was so concerned for, and at least this way, she was left free to worry alone, because the bar would remain shut until Louie was on the road to recovery.

Sarah went back into the bar and looked around and the silence, when this place was usually so busy, made her fell strange, as if the world was still turning but not quite in the way that it used to, and then she walked out the back and down to a doorway that led to well tended tropical gardens behind the Gold Monkey. She sat down on a swing seat on the porch and looked down the garden, and her thoughts drifted back to that first night she had fallen into Louie's arms:

It had been on that late, crazy night when she had been left alone and should have left with Jake but she had not, instead she had gone over to the bar and Louie had smiled at her and she had smiled at him and the next thing she knew they were out the back, alone, talking about everything and nothing because that was what booze did to people.

"And I had better say goodnight, Sarah," Louie has told her at the end of their conversation, and he had leaned in to kiss her cheek.

Somehow, perhaps the look in his eyes had matched hers and the moment stole them away, maybe that was the reason - but whatever the reason, their lips had touched and she closed her eyes and then she swayed on her feet feeling mildly drink and he put his hands on her waist to steady her – and doing so only made them kiss harder, and her move closer.

As he drew back from her she saw guilt in his eyes.

"That was not supposed to happen," he had said, "It must not be repeated."

And she had looked into his eyes and seen a serious, warning look about him, Louie had been aware they had done wrong, he was not so far gone with the alcohol that he didn't know a bad choice when he made one, and neither did she...

"Of course it won't happen again," Sarah had replied, "It must never happen. That was a mistake."

And Louie had smiled.

"But a very sweet one that I shall always remember," he promised her, and then she made a move to step past him and back through the doorway.

They were too close, she was brushing against him and as their eyes met again, they both knew it had been too late to turn away right from that first moment their lips had touched...

Next thing she knew they were upstairs, he opened a door and they were inside a room and the lights were out and he shut the door firmly behind them and slid a bolt across, all the time she was kissing him as she ran her fingers through his hair and she spoke softly to him and felt his breath, soft and hot against her throat as he kissed her again, and then they had fallen back on to his bed and she was in his arms – and one look into this eyes in that room lit by moonlight was all she had needed, to know that she would not be leaving this room again until morning...

"Jake must never know," he had whispered, and then he had said no more as he pulled her closer and they both gave in to a desire that was forbidden as she shared his love and stayed in his arms until day break...

Her thoughts were still on that first night, that first time, and also the last, much later, when he had met with her on the beach and told her it was over. So many memories and so much regret...

Sarah knew Louie had been right when he had said it was not fair on Jake. Of course it wasn't, it was completely unfair, it was wrong, it was a terrible betrayal...

But all the same, she still cherished those memories even to this day, even though she ought to forget. She wondered if Louie had forgotten now he was with his new love – probably not, but he was good at hiding secrets, and also very determined to stay loyal to Jake and never breathe a word of the love he had once shared with another man's woman...

And then Sarah was shaken out of her thoughts of the past as someone came out and joined her on the porch.

She heard the door open and turned to see Daisy standing beside the swing seat, and Sarah got up at once, looking coldly at the young blonde who stood there in a light summer dress with her make up perfect, looking for all the world as if the plane crash had never happened, except for the cuts and bruises on her arms that were still healing and on show because her dress had short sleeves.

"You shouldn't be here."

Sarah knew at once her words had sounded harsh and even hostile, but she could not regret that as she looked at her, seeing no trace of tears in her eyes despite the fact that Louie was so badly hurt.

"You're right," Daisy replied, "I should think about packing up and leaving, that would probably be for the best."

And she folded her arms and looked down the tropical garden as a warm, sweet wind blew over carried from the ocean.

Sarah was still looking at her coldly and as she spoke again, anger crept into her voice.

"Louie is in the hospital, the doctors don't know if he will make it, and you want to turn your back and walk away?"

"No, its not like that."

Daisy had sounded distant as she looked down the garden, past the place where tall tropical plants swayed in the breeze, focussing on a glimpse of far off ocean.

"Then what is it about?" Sarah demanded.

"About me, the future...what I have to do next. I know I'm going to lose him."

"You don't know that!"

Daisy turned her head and looked at her, and in that sunlight as the sweet wind blew back her hair, it was easy to see why Louie had fallen for her beauty – but those eyes, those eyes that looked to Sarah seemed ice cold now.

"I don't have to explain myself to you," Daisy said to her.

"But you do. Louie is my friend and I care about him."

She had turned to walk away, but on hearing those words, Daisy looked back at her.

"I care about him too, but I know what will happen, there was a plane crash, Sarah – you didn't witness that, you didn't go through that, you didn't spend hours holding Louie in the wreckage while we waited for help to arrive! He was in a bad way!"

Suddenly she heard sharp emotion in Daisy's voice and saw tears blurring her eyes.

"I held on to him for so long," she added, "I begged him to stay with me, but he just slipped away into unconsciousness again."

Sarah looked at her intently.

"Again? So he woke up after the crash?"

She nodded.

"Did he say anything?"

"Why do you need to know? He'd been knocked out, he was injured, nothing he said made any sense, why bring it all up now?"

"Because I want to know, because what he said to you could turn out to be his last words!"

Sarah knew she had sounded desperate and maybe Louie's lover recognised that deep pain had reflected in her eyes, because she looked a little surprised to see Sarah standing there so tearful, her emotions so raw.

"Please," Sarah said again, "What did he say, Daisy?"

Daisy ran her fingers through her platinum hair and gave a sigh.

"He said to tell Jake he was sorry, so very sorry."

Sarah's eyes widened as she stared at her in disbelief.

"And you didn't think to mention it to Jake?"

"You think I should? He was badly hurt, Sarah, he didn't know what he was saying."

And then it suddenly dawned on Sarah that she understood only too well what Louie's message had been about:

The plane had crashed and he was injured, and had probably assumed he would not make it – and so had given a message to Jake, asking his forgiveness, and she knew exactly what that was about...

"Maybe we should tell him," Daisy said, "But I don't see what the fuss is about. Louie didn't know what he was saying, he was barely there, he was drifting."

And Sarah felt heavy with guilt all over again as she wondered if she ought to deliver that message to Jake after all, because clearly, Louie had been asking forgiveness for the affair...

But what if this turned out to be Louie's last words?

Sarah felt as if she had no choice in the matter.

"I'll tell him," she said, "I'll tell Jake what Louie said. It might make sense to him – probably not, but I will tell him."

And then as the breeze blew off the sea and carried with it the warm air filled with the scent of salt, Sarah watched as Daisy took her place on the swing seat, saying nothing as Louie's lover sat back and rested. She waited for her to get comfortable and then she spoke up again.

"How can you be so cold about this?" she asked her, "Louie could die. And he's in the hospital on the mainland and you're back here on the island, relaxing like nothing has happened!"

"I'm not," she said, and she avoided her gaze, "You don't understand, Sarah. And I can't talk about it. I just need to rest, I really do. And when I'm sure I'm over what happened, I have to make my plans to fly home. I have to carry on with my life, I have to keep going, I can't let this destroy me."

Sarah looked at her in disbelief.

"Destroy you? Why is it all about you, Daisy? You should be worried about Louie!"

Daisy looked at her, and it was then she saw something reflected in her eyes that was deep and sorrowful.

"Only Louie would understand," Daisy said quietly, "And it's too late for him. I'm not going to stay around here and wait for him to die. I can't go through that kind of pain. I think it would kill me too."

"But you don't know that, he could come through this! How do you think he will feel if he recovers and wakes up and finds you gone? What do you think that will do to him, Daisy?"

"I already know what the crash did to him," she replied, "You don't know me, you don't understand my reasons, but Louie would, I'm sure of it."

"Louie? No, he wouldn't, Daisy! He needs you!"

"He would understand," she said again, and then she looked away and fell silent and that was the point that Sarah gave up on talking to her.

"I'll give his message to Jake," she told her, and then she turned and walked away, feeling sure that giving the message to Jake was the only right thing to do under the circumstances.

In the hospital on the mainland, Louie slowly began to try to wake up – and as he struggled to focus and become aware of his surroundings, he found he could not, and then he recalled the pain he had felt after the crash, and guessed that the lack of it and the trace of antiseptic in the air meant that he was now in hospital. He gave up on trying to wake and closed his eyes again, he recalled the crash vividly in his mind and instantly wished he had lost that memory after the accident, because falling through the sky as the ground rushed toward the plane was not something he wanted to remember.

And then he remembered after the impact, when he was in the wreckage and had assumed he was dying …

And he had said something:

He had told her to tell Jake he was sorry, so very sorry...

Those words came back to him and he wished he was strong enough to get out of bed and get dressed and hurry back to Boragora, because he needed to think of an excuse for that confession he had made by asking for Jake's forgiveness...

But it was too late, he had left the message with Daisy and of course, she would have told him by now. What was going through Jake Cutter's mind as he wondered why he was so very sorry?

Louie wanted desperately to think of a way to cover up this dreadful mess, but he was too exhausted to do so, and slipped back into a deep sleep once more.

As Sarah walked through the bar to leave, Jake walked in with his dog, and she stood there looking at him feeling awkward as he joined her in the middle of the room and kissed her cheek fondly.

"Are you feeling better yet?"

"No," she said honestly, "But I just spoke to Daisy and she just remembered Louie said something after the crash before he lost consciousness. He said to tell you he was sorry, so very sorry."

Jake looked at her in confusion.

"Sorry? What's that supposed to mean? He's got nothing to be sorry about, we haven't quarrelled...Why would he say that?"

Guilt consumed her as she shook her head.

"I don't know," Sarah replied quietly, easing the pain in her heart as she recalled the day Louie had ended their affair and reminded her no one must ever know – yes, this was what he would want her to do, to lie to Jake to protect him from the truth...

"But this was after the crash," she added, "Daisy said he was drifting, he didn't seem to know what he was talking about."

Jake was still thinking about it.

"Knowing Louie as well as I do I can't imagine him saying something at a time like that unless it meant something important," he replied, "It sounds like he thought he wasn't going to make it – and if he thought he had no time left there has to be a reason why he wanted to apologise to me, but I can't think what it is. Can you?"

She shook her head again.

"I can't imagine what it could be about," she told him, "It makes no sense to me either."

And then thankfully, Jake changed the subject.

"Is Daisy still here?"

"She's out the back."

"Great, I'll go and talk to her, she needs to be with Louie, I don't get why she's staying away like she is, maybe I can talk some sense into her."

"Good luck with that," Sarah replied, and then she watched as he left the bar with Jack following, and she gave a heavy sigh as she wondered how this terrible situation would turn out in the end – she wanted to be optimistic, but at that moment, she felt as if she had no hope left of anyone getting a happy ending out of this awful situation.