Harry Potter/ Sexy Umbra Wizard Crossover
The letter delivered by the owl shows the insignia of a Pub called "Naraka Club"
Dear Professor McGonagall,
We of the Clan Umbra as a whole want to say just one thing, FUCKING NO! We won't let my little brother join you and that Goat Fucker of Dumbledore! We have a good informant and we know how HE was the one to leave Harui with those animals, never before I was so happy to put a bullet between someone's eyes as I did with those two beast dressed like humans.
If you were really so worried about Harui's well-being and education you would have looked out for him when he was just a kid, as for now my aunt Bayonetta, my mother Jeanne and me are more than capable of teaching him Magic, Shooting, Fighting and Mundane things like Science and Mathematics that we know you people didn't even took in consideration to add to your so called "School".
Please stop sending all those owls since they tend to shit on the counter of our Pub!
My wives Tenten, Kushina, Joy, Anko and Minako told me I should write this instead of just sending you an explosive seal-tag as I planned to, but expect a bomb as an answer the next time you try sending a new letter.
Ps: We also took away his money, try to fund half your school without the Potter money, I dare you! And also, he makes a wonderful Martini, we risk losing clients if he leaves.
Sincerely,
Luis Umbra, future Kage of Rain village
Aftermath
Albus tried to send McGonagall and Snape to take back the young Harry, that had for some reason changed name to 'Harui', but only his Transfiguration Professor had returned albeit with a shaken expression and pale.
When asked what happened she just answered "Anko Umbra" before breaking down crying and sobbing, unable to say more and just begging to get Obliviated or at least to get some FireWhiskey.
Voldemort instead, once he managed to capture Moody to use the man's blood to get back a body, tried to attack the Umbra Clan to kill young Harui (former Harry) in revenge for what happened that Halloween night.
The last thing he saw before getting pummelled into a paste and then turned into a weapon for the young boy was Rodin waving a Platinum Ticket with a sick smile on his face.
- 888 -
Harry Potter/ Strongest Team under the Heavens Crossover
Dear Professor McGonagall or whatever,
Young Harry won't join Hogwarts, I don't know how many times we will be forced to say this before it gets through your thick skulls, we are already teaching him Ninjutsu (that you people call Magic) Taijutsu and Kinjutsu, and soon we will also start Medic-nin training and Sealing Arts, so we see no reason to have that senile old fool of Dumbledore put his hands on our little student, by what our friend Shikamaru could tell us, by the rather "demanding" words and how the various letters got more harsher in tone at each new attempt we can expect a patronizing fool dictating to Harry how he should live his life, especially since by reading his mind you and the Headmaster were the two to leave the boy on a doorstep in a cold night of November.
He may not remember personally, but the soul fragment we then removed from his forehead had a pretty "recording" of what happened that night, and even if we don't know how he came to appear in our living room all the way from England to here, we won't have him return to the ones that abused him that much.
Try anything stupid and the WHOLE population of Konoha will kick your ass, but keep sending owls if you want, our pet 682 "Fluffy" likes eating them.
Sincerely,
Seijin Clan, Team 7 of Konoha
Aftermath
Snape was angrily walking towards the Hidden village in Magical Japan, each step making him angrier as he had been forced to come all the way there to collect the thrice-damned Potter Spawn.
Once arrived at the tall gates he found his target as he was being helped by three strange people to bring back a striped cat.
"Let's get this short, give me the boy so I can go back to do more important things than dealing with spoiled brats, the Headmaster wants him and I don't like wasting my time with so-called celebrities," Snape said with his trademark sneer in place.
The blond with metallic-looking arms calmly turned to look at the Potion Master with an overly-sweet smile on his face.
"So you people don't understand, well, can't say we didn't warn you," the blond said as his body got covered in a golden flame that then formed the huge body of a nine-tailed fox.
"It seems that we'll need some violence to make you understand, after all, Susanoo!" the raven haired boy said as his eyes turned red with a strange marking in the middle, the boy's body then got covered in a towering column of energy that then shifted in the form of a demonic warrior with a bow.
"Apparently our brothers were right, we should have sent a bomb with that letter," the pink-haired girl said sighing, summoning a giant slug that took on its head both her and Harry while her body gained additional muscles and a demonic appearance.
"You won't stop me," Snape said, trying to sound sure of himself
When the rest of the village's Shinobi joined the trio he finally accepted his fate as one of them connected his shadow to the Potion Master's, stopping the man's movements before the horde rained on him
Later – T&I department -
"So you wanted to kidnap a poor boy, don't you? It's just your bad luck that he happens to be one of the students of my two boyfriends," the trench-wearing woman said with a devious smile.
"I am Anko Mitarashi, and for the next two weeks before we send you back, you will be my play-thing," she then said with a chilling evil laugh Voldemort would have given everything to equal.
During those two weeks Severus Snape would learn what it means be in the care of a REAL sadist, making the poor Potion Master miss the Dark Lord's Cruciatus Curse with a sense of deep longing.
Said Dark Lord will meet his end when several years later he tried to attack Konoha, when during his rampage he came across a menstrual Ino that used her Clan techniques to eternally lock his mind in an endless nightmare that further seals will turn unbreakable before tossing him in a dark cell to rot in his magic-empowered body that will never 'die' of natural causes.
- 888 -
Harry Potter/ Poisonous Luminous Lightning Crossover
The letter presented "to read in front of every Teacher of Hogwarts" on the front
Dear Professor Dumbledore,
The answer is NO.
No, my protégé won't join Hogwarts, I have found a good teacher for his Magical instruction while I teach him how to be a good ninja, but since you could not understand what 'NO' means, I took care of adding a little extra to this letter, please read this in front of everyone so the others too will see what I planned, and just to be clear, I can send as many letters like this as I want.
With total disinterest in you people's health,
Naruto Namikaze, 'Heiki' of Konoha
Ps: Doku Doku no Mi: Poison Mist.
Aftermath -
Albus looked curious at the strange letter in his hands, especially at the Post-script of it, Pomona Sprout pointing at it with shaking fingers as it turned purple once the Headmaster finished reading it.
A dense purple smoke erupted from the letter, engulfing both old man and Potion Master that were not fast enough to escape, killing them instantly.
The outrage of the attack lasted until the news of a similar letter being the cause of death of Fudge, Umbridge and even Voldemort, the Dark Lord personally throwing himself through the Veil of Death after seeing that even with a Bezoar he could not stop the poison from making his body rot. Unknowing to him, by dying like that he also destroyed his Horcruxes that were dragged through the Veil with the soul fragment inside the Dark Wizard killing him permanently, teaching to Hogwarts' staff that even a bezoar was useless against those letters.
- 888 -
Harry Potter/ Petals of Blood and Darkness Crossover
Dear wrinkled Mc-what's-your-name,
Naah! Our friend Harry won't come in that silly place, you people want to teach him Magic using wands, only pussies and losers still use them! I can teach him a lot of funny things myself, you people don't even use summons, how boring!
You don't even teach them how to tear people's head off with your bare hands, what kind of school are you? You don't even teach the useful stuff!
Cheerio!
Naru Yamanaka, Konoha's Demon.
Ps: Ino-chan says that should you try something to kidnap Harry I'll be able to kill and eat you, so COME AND GET US! Uwe-hee-hee! I am tired of eating owls, I always choke on some feathers!
Aftermath
"He even transcribed the laugh..." Albus said with a curious expression
"Whoever that Naru is, he doesn't sound completely sane," Flitwick said with raised eyebrows
"What should we do, Albus?" McGonagall asked, a little angry at being called 'Wrinkled What's-your-name'
"I have sent Severus to Magical Japan, I am sure that once they had a talk everything will be settled and the boy brought here," the Headmaster said with sparkling eyes
"He talks about eating who will try to take Mister Potter, and Severus is not exactly 'subtle' with his dislike when dealing with people of the Potter lineage," Professor Sprout said in worry
"I would trust Severus with my life," Albus answered
"And you would be wrong, Uwee-hee-hee! He was a traitor, a coward and an ass-hole all in one, but he was also delicious!" a young blond man said entering the Teacher Room, he was drenched in blood and still chewing on an human femur with a wide, crazed smile.
"And you are?" the old man asked, worriedly looking at the human bone.
"Me? I am Naru of course! That silly Potion Master tried to order me around and told me to give him the 'Accursed spoiled son of a bastard' while pointing at Harry...as you can imagine I didn't like how he talked about my friend," Naru answered with a cold tone.
"And you ate him?" McGonagall demanded with a green face.
"But of course! It was the only way to make him stop talking and being boring, he was still cursing the Potter name while I was tearing his heart out, then he luckily stopped, he was spoiling my appetite," Naru answered with a shrug.
"YOU ARE A MONSTER!" Filius yelled in horror.
"Yeah I am, that's why I am still alive, only a man can kill me!" the blond answered with a wide smile.
"You are still chewing his bones," Albus said calmly, glaring at the boy.
"His bones? No, this was...Fridge? Pudge?...AH! Fudge! Yeah, I saw a man imprisoned without a trial and freed him and was pointed towards the fat idiot, sure those silly cloaked creatures tried to take out bad memories to stop me...but I ate them too!" Naru answered with a cheerful laugh.
"You had eaten the Dementors and the Minister of Magic!?" Pomona said in shock.
"Hu-uh! I attacked the fat bastard of a Minister, that frog-like woman with him, those Demented or stuff, and a rat-faced man too...hey! Do you know a strange guy with a turban? He talked about you people," Naru asked curious
"Quirinus Quirrel? I planned to have him join us as Defence Professor," Albus said, shocked at the list of victims of the boy.
"He did a bad job then, I had no problems eating him when he attacked me, he even had a second soul inside him, it was only a fragment, but once swallowed him the other just joined inside my stomach...it tasted like shit and snakes, though" the blond answered, scratching his head unsure.
"You had devoured Tom's soul too...you know no forgiveness..." Albus said with a whisper and an horrified voice.
"Forgiveness? I don't follow that shit, I resolve my problems by maiming them and eating their soul, that is also what stops them from returning to bother me ever again, by the way," Naru answered with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"I am sorry, but I can't let something as Evil and Dark as you exist, may God, Merlin and Morgana have mercy of your soul, Avada Kedavra!" the Old man said hitting the blond with the Killing Curse, making him stumble back a bit.
"Hey! That hurts, ya bastard!" Naru yelled in annoyance.
"WHAT!?" the staff of Hogwarts yelled with wide eyes.
"Eh! I have more than four millions souls inside, you just killed one, but now I can attack back!" Naru said with a wide crazed smile, the doors and windows closing as eyes covered walls and ceiling.
"ALBUS! This all your fault! Just know that I will forever held you responsible of this!" McGonagall yelled as the Dark horde moved to devour them.
"I regret nothing, I always fought for the Greater Good and will meet my end with my head held high," Albus answered as the darkness rained on them.
He will be the first to scream like a scared little girl and beg for forgiveness, making the others snort at how little his facade of brave man lasted, before they too started screaming in agony.
Three minutes of disgustingly gore-filled violence and two hours of dirty wild sex later -
An happily humming Naru was leaving the smoking ruins-filled crater that had once been Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, in his hand a pretty red stone he took from a Flamel guy or something and a jewel-covered sword, he was biting down on a roasted phoenix leg with a satisfied expression on his face.
Behind him a twenty year old McGonagall was bouncing around him with an happy smile.
"To where, Master?" the young girl asked with eyes filled with devotion.
"To home, sweet-ass!" Naru answered with a smirk.
"Can we have more sex once there?" she asked with puppy eyes.
"Only if you are good," he answered, making her squeal and hug him tightly.
It would have been a waste to just eat her, right?
- 888 -
Harry Potter/Black Baron of Suna Crossover
To Professor McGonagall,
I am sorry to say that young Harry won't join Hogwarts this year or any other, as of now he is a member of The Shop Near the Underworld and under my dependence, from what I could gather from his memories and some "other sources" I could easily see that his attendance is part of some scheme about some "Greater Good" your Headmaster seems rather fond of.
Even if I may be inclined to appreciate plans like that, I have to berate your Headmaster on the poor, asinine way he was trying to accomplish his goal, there are better ways to obtain a self-less 'Hero' willing to let himself get killed by the Bad Guy without turning said boy in a socially-inept human with no clue of how normal people act in the normal world, especially when in the Wizarding World that seemed frozen in the Dark Ages scientifically and socially speaking, it was a poor attempt made by a pathetic amateur in manipulation if I have to say.
Said this, I advise to NOT try "recovery missions" as nor me or my Staff will get lightly any attempt at kidnapping any of us, I am not called "Baron Death" just for show.
Sincerely,
Baron Shi, 'Shop Near the Underworld', Suna village.
Aftermath
Suna – Shop Near the Underworld – Naruto's lab -
McGonagall was slowly regaining consciousness, the last thing she remembered was accompanying Albus, Snape and the Order of the Phoenix in the hot desert of Magical Japan and asking for a meeting with Baron Shi using a magical candle...then everything went dark after a spooky-looking building came into view near the entrance of a graveyard.
Looking around with some difficulty she could see she was strapped to a metallic bed, the rest of the Order near her while several members of Pure-blood families suspected of being Death Eaters were amassed in a corner, only Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange were still alive among the group.
"So you are awake, good, Master was waiting for the last one to recover," a young girl with blue hair and an X-shaped scar on her face said with a nod.
"Please, my boy! I just did what was necessary! I had a Prophecy to defend!" Albus pleaded pitifully as a pale skinned blond boy loomed over him with a muggle scalpel.
"I am not arguing with that, I just say that you were doing more damages than what was necessary, there were more 'painless' methods to obtain the same results that you simply failed to take in consideration," Naruto answered as his scalpel started cutting open the old man's chest, he rapidly moved to put a wooden tablet in Dumbledore's mouth to stop the old man from screaming.
"Wha-what are you doing?" McGonagall demanded with a raspy voice.
"Sensei is studying his body to see from where our ability to use Magic comes from, the various Death Eaters gave us a lot of informations before dying from the shock, the curious thing is that with them he DID use anaesthetics before vivisecting them, he is probably operating on Albus-san without them just to prove a point about what the old man was about to do to me with his lack of care about the possible collateral damages," Harry answered simply, his famous scar gone and 'replaced' by one cutting his face diagonally in two.
"What happened to your face?" the woman asked, trying to ignore the agonizing screams of Albus, Fawkes was looking at the scene with dead eyes, the cut on its head from the lobotomy the phoenix was subjected to still fresh under the bandages.
"Oh, this? The last guy Naruto-sensei experimented on tried to escape by possessing me thanks to some 'soul fragment', Master just ripped the bastard out of my head and closed his sorry soul into a painting once summoned the other fragments as well, sure, the incident opened my face in two, but Naruto-sensei was fast at healing me, in few years it should disappear by itself, otherwise he will just transplant some skin to cover it," Harry answered shrugging, taking a mop to clean the blood under Snape's bed, the Potion Master whimpering while trying to take distance from him.
"Who was he? And what happened to Severus?" McGonagall asked in worry.
"His name? If I remember correctly he was a certain Volde-something...he went on a tirade about being immortal and such, sensei just teared off both arms and legs and dissected him without anaesthetics, he lasted ten minutes before breaking down in tears and ask for mercy," the boy answered simply.
"And Professor Snape?" the woman asked again
"I was the one to 'play' with him, Master Baron Shi showed us how Snivellus would have treated Harry, I didn't like that so in exchange of us three working for him, he permitted me to play Surgeon with the greasy git," a woman answered entering McGonagall's field of vision.
"LILY!?" she yelled with wide eyes.
"Yup! Recently reborn, by sacrificing a dozen of Death Eaters we had been able to return to life to raise our boy, Sirius too was happy to join us once Mister Minato broke him out of Azkaban, he is actually dating a Mei woman from another village at the moment," James Potter said joining his wife.
"What will happen now?" McGonagall asked in fear, Albus had already stopped screaming and the blond named Naruto was taking out a small flame from the old man's body that he then sealed inside a panting of Dumbledore and the Dark Lord getting anally violated by several devils with over-sized 'endowments'.
"Well, I do have good memories of you, Hagrid, Tonks and Lupin, if you be good and let us run few experiments, I think we will be able to convince the Boss to let you all go home almost unscathed," Lily answered.
"Almost?" the old woman asked with a tiny whimper
"One can never say when it comes to science, lady," Naruto said with a shrug, a bandaged woman behind him taking Albus' body to throw it in the Death Eaters pile.
"Adorea-chan, take the psycho bitch, I want to try that blood-substitute once again, I think this time the test subject won't die for organ liquefaction," he then ordered, ignoring the horrified scream of Bellatrix that immediately started asking for mercy between tears.
"We'll have Augusta have her stuffed head on a plaque, Master should have also found a way to cure Neville's parents by now," Lily said happily, clapping a little to herself.
"Th-th-thank you," a badly shaking McGonagall answered getting as pale as a ghost.
Three months later she would be freed with the other Order members deemed 'good' enough to be spared, only Lupin remained behind since the blond Necromancer had cured his 'Furry little problem' and decided to work for the Shop out of gratitude.
That year Hogwarts won't have opened due to the mental breakdown the new Headmistress had once re-entered Britain, giving to the healers of St. Mungo a great challenge in healing her and discovering how the Longbottom had returned to normal when everything they tried had failed at the same time.
After the third squad of Auror, the one guided by Dolores Umbridge, disappeared without trace it was decided to let the matter drop and forget there even was a problem in Magical Japan to begin with.
- 888 -
Harry Potter/ Naruto Bizarre adventure Crossover
Dear Professor Dumbledore,
We are aware that the boy is somehow important for you all, but for some reason he appeared in a flash of light in our training ground during a meeting with our Team, closer inspection showed signs of malnutrition and abuses both mental and physical (fortunately not sexual otherwise we would have hunted you down WITHOUT writing a letter before).
After asking to our specialist, we examined the boy's memories and found out WHO was the one to beat him and who had brought him to those animals, we have no intentions to let our new young friend return there.
We also know that you won't listen to reason after the fifth wave of owls came here, that's why my little brother is writing this, this is your trial, you people will NOT pursue the recovery of Harry Potter, failing to do so will cost dearly to the one breaking the deal, be advised.
The Stand Black Sabbath will know if you fail.
Sincerely,
Kakashi Hatake and Naruto Hatake, Guardians of Harui Hatake (formerly Harry Potter) and Jounins of Konoha, Elemental Nations.
The aftermath
After reading the letter aloud Albus scoffed in annoyance, admitting to find the tone in the letter too rude for someone not knowing the whole truth.
"Albus, they said that young Potter showed signs of abuse, maybe we should let him be, he may finally find a family there" McGonagall said in worry.
"You don't understand, Minerva. The boy MUST return here," Albus said with a frown.
"The letter said to not try a kidnapping, Headmaster, I don't know what this Black Sabbath creature is, but the name doesn't sound friendly" Pomona Sprout said.
"They will understand, we need Harry here, Severus? Can you take care of this?" the Old Man asked.
"Tch! I will take the brat here, don't worry," the Potion Master said with a sneer.
From the shadows behind him a black Cloaked figure with a turban rose, grabbing Snape's face and extracting the man's soul, the others watching in horror as a knife came out from the entity's mouth to pierce Severus' spirit, killing him instantly.
"SEVERUS!" Albus yelled as the Stand melted in the shadows of the room to evade the various spells of the group.
"Where did it go?" Filius asked, scanning the room with his wand drawn.
"ALBUS!" McGonagall yelled as Black Sabbath appeared behind the Headmaster, even Fawkes the Phoenix had moved too slow to save the old man, watching powerless as the Stand pierced the old man's soul.
"Who are you?" McGonagall asked enraged
The figure just tapped on the letter before disappearing into the shadows.
"Apparently that was Black Sabbath, he was a 'living curse' that killed both of them for trying to take young Potter back..." Filius said with a whisper.
"This means that we won't pursue this mission, right?" Pomona asked with a whimper.
"I don't know our new Headmistress, but I think that young Harry will be safe with someone able to kill people all the way from Japan," Filius answered.
What they did not know was that outside the door a young man with blond hair was listening to them, having followed the owl all the way back from Japan to use the Stand against them.
With a wide smirk Naruto summoned a small toad, using the little animal to be reverse-summoned back in Konoha where his Team and new little brother awaited for the mission's result.
The Headmaster, the so called 'Dark Lord' and few corrupted officials of the Ministry Sirius Black pointed as "Death Eaters" after freeing him were all killed in the same way, truth be told the Potion Master was a victim he had not expected, but from the way the greasy bastard acted he was almost glad he too fell to the Trial, with a last smirk the Jojo of Konoha disappeared with a puff of smoke, both Lupin and Sirius were already waiting for him to start teaching Harry some Magic and he didn't want to miss the first lesson of his 'otouto'.
How those two managed to also score with Hana-neechan and Shizune-neechan he will never understand instead.