Harry Potter - rejection letter-

Dear Albus,

I have to admit I was surprised to see this letter reach our momentary base here in Majorca, but I guess that not using all the wards we usually have around may have been a bad idea, but the boy needed a little vacation from his studies and he has a talent for courting girls, not my doing mind you, for someone YOU forced to live like a prisoner in a cupboard under the stairs he was not as "damaged" as I thought he would be, I am impressed by his force of Will.

But enough talking about this and the fact that I am already teaching him OWL material, let's talk about your failures, shall we? As usual I have to point you the various mistakes you did in your "flamboyant" plan to save the world, just like dear old times when we battled Evil Wizards together before you betrayed me because you felt shadowed by my results.

First of, it has been three years since I took him with me and just now you took notice of his disappearance, I am really disappointed in you, my old friend, but I guess I should have expected it, between me and you, you always lacked the "Finesse" needed for a Leader AND for creating working plans that did not require years to be completed.

You may be wondering how I managed to escape from my imprisonment, well, as I said, you always lacked finesse and never thought things thoroughly.

Let me explain, the Magic-suppressing chains I had around me only stopped Magic whenever a certain amount was used, had those been designed to stop Magic completely then a magical human would have been dead as soon as those were used because their organism would have been completely cut off from a rather BIG part of their being, making the resulting shock lethal.

So, in what amounted to several years of work mind you, I managed to pour my magic spark-by-spark on a piece of ceiling that had oh so gently fallen from the decrepit room I was confined into and transfigured it into a Muggle Lock-pick and used it to open my chains, I have to say, underestimating non-magical people will be a mistake I will never make again.

Once free I used my animagus form, that thank Merlin I never told you about, and left the prison after creating a body-double with a wand I stole from one of the guards.

Now, as I know you very well, I bet you are already casting aspersion about the "Darkest Wizard ever" escaping prison and Kidnapping Harry Potter, let me tell you this, blaming me for YOUR mistakes was bad once, doing it again is just plain low, it was not me the one that thought that muggle Hitler would have helped us in changing the Magical world for the better with the help of muggles in exchange of a "small" favour, you had been the idiot that took a binding Oath that forced the two of us to help him and had their World War start, not me.

Seriously, someone sporting those little moustache stunk of "prat" and I could smell that from a mile away, how did he manage to outsmart you I ask.

But I guess that you, as always, hated to be proved wrong and had me took the blame since I was the "Face" of our Movement (especially since I was and STILL AM way prettier than you) making you the "Leader of the Light" and me the sorry Evil arsehole that had to be stopped for the Greater Good and blah, blah, blah.

So, what this will mean, you may ask? For one, no Boy-who-lived for you, I saw right through your plans for him and I found them seriously lacking in details, organization and overall chances of success as usual, there is a reason why I had NEVER let you plan our movements after all.

I also have the Philosopher Stone with me, I know a guy in Gringotts that was more than happy to give it to me for the right sum, both me and Harry will enjoy immortality, you instead I fear will soon hear some angry epithets from Mister Flamel and his lovely half, I don't envy you.

About your so called "Dark Lord" instead...really, Albus? We met janitors in the German Ministry of Magic that could literally wipe the floor with him back in the days and yet you are waiting for a boy to kill him? What the hell happened to you?

Yes, I know about the Prophecy, an old girlfriend of mine is an Unspeakable and they have spells that let them grab a Prophecy even when not the ones it refers to for when they need to study those, how do you think they can catalogue every one of those otherwise?

So, as I was saying, your Dark Lord problem. I used some Blood Magic, that only Britain declares EVIL while the rest of the civilized world just see as "extremely dangerous but not necessary evil" and I obtained some interesting results.

Did you know that a "Mater Contego" Ritual (that means "Shielding Mother Ritual" in case your Latin took a turn for the worse since we last saw each-other) Lily used to protect her son is a pretty "liberal" protection?

I explain, I just had to direct the protection on his scar, that was an Horcrux but I bet you already knew that, to have that soul fragment implode into nothingness, the funny thing was that the pure Love in it, and the HUGE anger Lily felt the moment she understood that Voldemort was about to kill her baby boy, not only destroyed the scar horcrux but before that had even travelled through that connection destroying every possible trace of the "Dark Lord" and his various horcruxes before freeing the boy, an angry mother can be really dangerous, that's for sure.

I heard that a certain Quirrel died an horrible death before joining you so I guess he was possessed by the remains of Voldemort's spirit, that man and the Stone at Hogwarts the same year as Harry arrived...could your plotting being more obvious, Albus?

By the way, after sending this letter me and my pupil will return to our base, I can't tell you where it is, but I can say that it has a lot of beautiful beaches and Veela nudist colonies scattered everywhere, both me and Harry will have a nice life away from you people while training in magic, don't look for us, contrary to you I am using REAL protections around the boy.

Once he will be ready, we will come there and "clean" the Ministry, as I used to say before you had me arrested, the Wizarding World needs a Leader, but I meant a SINGLE Leader, a monarch of sort, too many people putting their hands in the population pockets brings chaos, a single ruler taking orders directly from the Queen will instead resolve a lot of things since there won't be various personal agendas clashing for dominance.

But I guess that being bright was never one of your qualities, Albus, and so you and the others misunderstood my ideals into some sort of Evil Dictatorship.

Sincerely, Gellert Grindelwald

Ps: tell Abeforth to stop bothering goats, those poor animals were not born to do that sort of sick things, your family really disturbs me sometimes, you were a damned stalker that managed to have people think we were lovers (And you have NO IDEA how hard it was for me to have people understand that I am as straight as an arrow) and your brother likes to test Muggle Bondage on goats (and that was the TAMEST thing I saw him do).

Now I see why Ariana faked her death and escaped to Magical Las Vegas to become a singer.

Pps: really, don't look for us, I managed to pile three Fidelius on our base with me, Harry and a rock as secret keepers.

The Aftermath -

"...Oh, Bugger..." Albus said after finishing the letter, his face pale and his eyes wide.

"Oh, Bugger? That's all what you have to say?" McGonagall said with narrowed eyes.

"Well...Severus did try to save Harry, but I guess Gellert told the truth about using protections," the Headmaster said.

"Albus, he imploded as soon as the portkey you linked to the school letter activated, it took a week to the house elves to clean everything," the woman answered.

"It sounded terribly painful as well," Flitwick said with a shudder, remembering the agonizing screams the Potion Master had let out.

"What should we do?" Pomona sprout asked.

"You will do nothing, I need to talk to Albus," an old man said with an hateful glare, barging inside the room with an old woman near him.

"Nicholas...I can explain..." Albus said with a whimper.

"No, you can't! I'll have you and your so called "Order of the Phoenix" arrested for this, you had a dangerous Magical Artifact being stolen by the most feared Dark Wizard since Voldemort, and he even thanked you for helping him reaching MY Stone, you are in deep shite now, you old goat!" the Alchemist spat in anger.

"I am...sorry?" the Headmaster tried to say as Aurors swarmed the staff room.

"No you are not, but you will be...soon!" Perenelle said with narrowed eyes as a the Hogwarts staff went arrested en masse.

When the School year finally started a new Headmaster was in place, Nicholas Flamel himself, Perenelle was the new Potion Professor and a sparkling new Board of Directors was in place after Gellert had let "slip" some compromising papers that had the Malfoy family and several others that were "under Imperius" threw in jail together with Fudge and Umbridge and several other corrupted individuals.

When Harry reached his eighteen birthday he was introduced by Grindelwald to a new, and rather "prohibited", branch of Magic called "Sexual Magic", once his talent in that blossomed fully both he and his mentor were elected by popular demand "Kings of the beach" by the various Veelas in three different nudist colonies, they lived for the rest of the eternity with a VERY huge horny Harem and never once thought about joining again Britain.

But the threat of them going back there in case the British Wizarding World acted "naughty" worked as deterrent and helped the people there to gradually drag themselves towards modern times.