A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR SWEET BBS! I was in Barcelona last week so I couldn't upload as fast as I wanted to, anyhoo..here's the next installment! I'm also pretty proud of this chapter, the story is winding down and i think i only have a couple of chapters plus epilogue to end it!
Special thanks to Caro (killians-dashingrescue) for being awesome and helping me out with her approval of the scheme of this chapter! -Steph
Chapter 11
"Well, Mrs. Hamilton, I have to admit that taking you back after you left us so sporadically last year wasn't my first choice. However, you were one of our best executives and our marketing department hasn't been the same since you left. It seems that our bigger clients were rather fond of you and have frequently demanded that you return." It absolutely irritates Emma to be addressed by her old married name. She really wants to erase every single memory of her ever being involved with Walsh. It's been a pain in the ass, including spending six hours at the DMV on a Saturday, but after the divorce papers finally came in in January she was able to change her name back to her maiden last name.
"I understand that this is all quite unorthodox, Ms. Mills, but I assure you that there is not place I'd rather be than back at RCM…and it's Ms. Swan again." She responds, slipping the name change at the end of the sentence half hoping her boss would brush it aside.
"Oh, no luck with the senator?" No such luck. Regina lowers her reading glasses and eyes Emma sincerely.
"Something like that, it was all kind of a one-sided agreement. Mostly all his sided, actually." Emma replies rather nervously, tucking a few rebellious strands of blonde hair behind her ear. She really hates talking about her divorce. Seriously, just add it to her failed attempts at finding a home (and love and acceptance) with another person.
"Men in power feel so easily emasculated, don't they? You're a strong woman, Emma. You'll bounce back. I see the same drive in you that my boss saw in me before he taught me everything he knew. We should talk more, go out for drinks." Emma kind of wants to laugh incredulously at the last sentence. Regina can't be serious, can she? Emma has definitely looked up to this woman for the longest time, ever since they met at her first ever interview, she had done some reading in the company prior to her interview and Regina Mills had single-handedly made RCM what it was today, but Emma never thought Regina would want to be drinking buddies with her.
"Are you implying that you want to be friends with me, Ms. Mills?" Emma asks incredulously but with a hint of mirth in her voice. Regina smiles at her knowingly. She takes a post it, writes her number on it, and slides it towards Emma.
"Stranger things have happened. And from now on, call me Regina."
"Okay." Emma smiles genuinely.
"Forget the trial period or the freelance, come work with us full time again. Go down to HR and get your affairs in order, your office should be free by Monday." Wow, really? All Emma expected was a freelance chance to see if she can prove herself into returning to her old job, not to return full time right off the bat. Maybe this would really be her year.
"Welcome home, Emma." Regina tells her earnestly.
"Thank you."
As usual Monday morning came full-force and quicker than she expected it to. Emma swings her legs over the edge of her bed and sits still for a few minutes, willing herself to wake up before she has to start getting ready for work. She goes through her usual motions and an hour later she is dressed and ready for work. For her return she chose wide-leg black slacks, black pumps, and a white collared shirt. She applied her favorite brick red lipstick, parted her straight blonde hair in the middle and tied it in a low ponytail. She calculated her outfit the night before for two reasons. The first was to say that she meant business, and the second was in case she saw Killian (though she plans to stay out of his floor and avoid him for as long as she can), he'd see just exactly what he had lost.
Emma stops by a café close to her apartment before she starts her commute. She was early for work and she had a good half an hour to spare, so she decides to step in and order some coffee for the taxi ride. Divorce alimony can be really great, when your scumbag ex-husband was loaded.
Emma smiles at the text she's receiving from Mary Margaret, who's now filling her in on Baby Neal's ever developing quirks, when the man in front of her bumps into her with his elbow and knocks her phone out of her hands.
"Sorry about that! Are you okay?" He tells her as he bends over to pick up her phone and hands it back to her. He's tall, with light blue eyes, wavy dark brown hair, and beard coming in nicely.
"I'm fine, thank you." Emma says quietly, meeting his eyes briefly. She scrunches her nose a bit at his wearing of a brown leather jacket. She's had one too many leather jacket wearing men come into her life and leave it upside down.
"Wow, you look so familiar. Have we met before?" He tells her. Emma knows where this is going.
"Sure I do, Sparky. We haven't." She replies, rolling her eyes. He laughs and threads a nervous hand through his thick hair.
"You're right. That was my lame attempt at striking up conversation with a woman as beautiful as you. Seems to be working." He's so full of confidence that Emma can't help but crack an incredulous smile at this whole interlude.
"Oh, my god. You're terrible at this, did you know?" She tells him before moving up to the counter and going to place her order.
"Not terrible enough, I've definitely charmed you. Let me buy you breakfast. This place has fantastic doughnuts." He tells her, raising his eyebrows. He was incredibly handsome and he knew it.
"Thank you but I'm perfectly capable of buying my own." Emma tells him with finality. As handsome as he may be, she cannot deny that the feelings she harbors for Killian are still present inside her heart (even though they're currently mixed with a pinch of hatred).
"So, what do you do?" He asks her after she places her order. He sits at a nearby table and motions for her to sit down. She decides to stand instead.
"I'm a tour guide." She lies through her teeth and she can tell he knows she's lying.
"Best dressed tour guide I've ever seen." He follows her ruse dutifully.
"I'm lying." Emma concedes.
"I know." He replies, motioning again for her to sit down across from him. Emma is not one to trust people easily, but his banter has been amusing and she has nothing better to do than wait for her coffee.
"What about you?" Emma asks as she sits down in front of him.
"I'm a writer." He answers. The way he's looking at her would make anyone feel flustered, but Emma feels flattered. She needs the distraction.
"Anything I've read?" She asks him.
"Not unless you're a GQ subscriber." He answers her before extending his hand and continuing by finally introducing himself, "I'm August, by the way."
"Nice to meet you, August." She takes his outstretched hand and shakes it.
"Yeah, that's fine. I don't want to know your name." He replies sarcastically, a smile reaching his light blue eyes.
"It's Mary Margaret." Emma tells him, barely able to keep a straight face.
"You know, Mary Margaret, if you keep lying I'll have to think twice about asking you out like I want to." August tells her with a dry laugh.
"I'm not lying." Emma responds, playing the part of incredulous victim.
"Grande dark roast coffee with cream for August!" the barista calls. August stands and approaches the counter to take his coffee. He sits in front of Emma again, taking the lid off the cup and pouring in sugar. He stirs it in looking at Emma defiantly. I dare you to keep avoiding telling me your name, his look says.
"I'm not lying to you, that's really my name-" She starts but she's cut off by the barista calling out her order. "Venti, triple shot, hazelnut mocha for Emma!" August's eyebrows shoot up inquisitively and Emma struggles to keep a straight face.
"Is that you?" He asks her, fully knowing that the barista is calling her order.
"No." Emma replies, still struggling to keep a straight face. She doesn't know why she's still keeping this game up, but she's adamant to keep it up for as long as she can.
"You look like an Emma." He tells her nonchalantly, taking a sip of his coffee and opening a discarded newspaper someone had left behind, reading over it, and tucking it into his leather satchel.
"That's not my name." Emma tells him.
"Someone is going to take your coffee." He responds, standing up and gathering his things to leave. Weirdly enough, Emma doesn't want him to leave. She's having fun.
"Fine. It's Emma." She tells him and she stands up to go get her coffee from the counter. August follows her and takes a coffee cup sleeve and a pen and writes down his number.
"Well, Emma. This has been a great start to my morning and if you ever want to lie to me again, this is my number. I'm not saying you have to call me. I'm saying you should definitely call me." He hands over the sleeve and winks at her. Seconds later, he's gone and Emma is admittedly in a daze.
Emma arrives at her office fifteen minutes before she's supposed to. Her old assistant Ruby greets her with a warm hug and tells her how she's so glad that Emma is back, because the old exec was an absolute nightmare. Emma can hardly believe that she's back in her office, her home, what she truly excels at. She tells Ruby to hold her calls and meetings while she gets ready and tallies up the workload that she has to tackle. Ruby and Emma stay in the office all morning trying to make sense of what the old exec did and which projects needed to be prioritized in order of importance and due date.
"So are you okay?" Ruby asks Emma as she settles different marketing reports into groups.
"What do you mean? About the divorce?" Emma replies, pasting sticky notes on top of the most important reports.
"Yeah." Ruby responds. Emma knows that she's looking at Emma tentatively, treating her like a ticking time bomb. Which, to Emma, is understandable. Ruby knows that Emma has had her fair share of heartbreak in the past and in addition, Ruby was the principal witness to Emma's decaying marriage.
"Oh, I'm great. Trust me, I am so glad I got out of that when I could. I was so miserable." Emma smiles at her sincerely, before going back to deliberating the importance between two different movie marketing reports due in the next month. Christ, the last executive really did a shitty job.
"I know you were, I just wanted to know if you were okay being back here is all." Ruby tells her.
"Why do you say that?" Emma asks, looking back up at her.
"Well, Killian still works here." Ruby answers matter-of-factly. At the mention of the name, Emma tenses up. She knew she had to face Killian sooner or later, she just hoped it was later.
"So?" Emma asks, attempting to brush the subject aside.
"Emma, I know you two had something going on!" Ruby exclaims, crossing her arms against her chest and staring intently at Emma, daring her to defy her statement.
"Were we that obvious?" Emma asks quietly. Ruby smiles and shakes her head.
"Well no, but, it becomes kind of obvious when you see your boss and the creative director of advertising making out in your boss's office when you go upstairs to get your purse after the company holiday party." Ruby answers her sitting down in the chair across Emma's desk.
"Yeah, that'll do it." Emma nods, smiling despite herself. Emma had forgotten about that night. She doesn't see how she could've. Memories flood her mind as she remembers how Killian had had one too many drinks that night and he kept inching closer to her with every passing moment. How he whispered in her ear to meet him at the elevator and she obliged, how he took her hand and brought her to her deserted department floor and locked them in her office. She remembers him digging in to his pocket and producing a wax mistletoe sprig out of it, before he pressed his lips against the base of her neck. She remembers breathlessly asking him where he got it and him pulling back, fixing on her eyes a hazy gaze, and simply telling her that he "nicked it."
"You're such a pirate." She had told him. She could feel his lips curving into a smile against her neck, biting it softly before pulling back again and grinning at her.
"I do enjoy the finer pleasures in life." He had told her, brushing her hair from her forehead, punch drunk in love with the moment. "And you don't seem to mind me being a petty thief." He continued ghosting his fingers down the side of her face, till they had found her lips, finally her chin, pulling her lips to his.
"I really don't." Emma had breathed against his lips, relishing in how good it felt to have his body pressed up against hers, his strong hand cupping her ass and the other buried in her hair. Emma remembers how wild, almost feral, that kiss was. They kissed for a good time, with her sitting on her desk and her legs wrapped around him. That was the last intense moment they shared until last July in Mary Margaret's linen closet.
"So are you guys together now?" Ruby asks, snapping Emma out of her reverie.
"No. It didn't end in the best terms." Emma answers flustered.
"Oh." Ruby responds softly.
"Yeah, I don't think I'm ready to talk about it yet." Emma tells her with a degree of finality.
"I respect that." Ruby nods. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door, and as Emma looks up she swears her breath is knocked right out of her lungs. Later, she wanted to face him later.
"Am I interrupting something?" His lilting voice travels into the room. Emma really isn't ready for this, but she puts up the front. Goddammit, she thinks, he looks so good. His stubble is dark, his navy blue shirt making his eyes pop behind his thick lashes.
"Yes, actually. Killian I have a lot of work to do." She answers him, she thanks gods above that her voice sounds strong and commanding and doesn't waver like jelly with the anxiety she feels.
"This will only take a second. Ruby, can you leave us alone for a moment?" He snaps at her, clearly he is in the same mood Emma is. Ruby stands up and starts to move towards the door."
"Ruby, don't go anywhere." Ruby stills and looks at Emma with wide eyes. She clearly doesn't want to be in the middle of whatever is about to happen. "Killian, I have way too much work to do right now. Maybe later." Emma tells him with finality.
"Let her go, Swan. I just need a moment to discuss some creative issues with you." He says as he struts into the room and walks right up to Emma's desk. He stares at Emma's eyes, blue eyes alight with tepid anger.
"Emma, I'm just going to go, okay?" Ruby's voice comes from behind Killian.
"Fine." Emma responds as she hears the click of the door closing. "What can I help you with Jones?" Emma uses her most formal tone, the one she reserves for megawatt clients, as she decides to keep sorting marketing reports and not giving him the slightest importance. She feels his eyes burning a hole into the top of her head and she can hear him trying to steady his breath. She looks up at him through her reading glasses with a raised eyebrow.
"What are you doing?" He asks, anger present in his voice.
"I don't follow." She replies, putting down the marketing report and crossing her arms across her chest.
"Well, imagine my surprise when I go to call the marketing executive and see the name "Emma Swan" in the call list." Oh, so he is mad that she's back. A sickly sweet smile slowly creeps into Emma's face.
"Regina gave me my job back. I really don't see where there could be any confusion." She tells him, with an air of indifference.
"Yes, I can quite see that you have your job back. My question is 'why?'" He asks Emma, trying hard to keep his voice down. She calmly stands without answering him, and instead walks over to her Keurig machine and makes herself a cup of coffee. She raises a cup to him offering him one, he shakes his head. She shrugs and continues preparing her cup, before she turns toward him resting against the banister. He's so angry, that Emma is almost amused.
"I don't owe you any explanations, Killian. You made that perfectly clear when you fucked me and then told me that you wanted nothing with me. We're done, remember?" She tells him coolly, surveying him quietly as she brings the cup of coffee up to her mouth purposely with her left hand. She sees him focusing on her ring-less finger.
"I see you're not wearing your wedding band anymore. Did you finally divorce Walter?" He asks her casually.
"Once again, I don't owe you any explanations, Killian. We're done. If I'm divorced or not, what I choose to do with that information is up to me and right now I don't feel like telling you. There's nothing between us anymore." She shakes her head, and places the half empty cup of coffee on top of the banister. She doesn't feel him move but once she looks back up at him, Killian is mere inches apart from her.
"You can't be here, Swan." He tells her quietly, his voice strained, almost pained.
Emma is so angry. How dare he come in here and tell her what she can and can't do? It's very easy to shift the blame to other people, Emma thinks, but he has to understand that he isn't without fault here, and he certainly isn't the only one who suffered in the past year. Yes, she ended things with him. Yes, the moment he asked her to leave her husband, she said she didn't now if she could. Yes, absolutely yes, she hurt him, by choosing to leave with Walsh, and by not trusting him enough with what she was being threatened with. But she did all these things with the intention of protecting him, since her husband turned out to be a manipulative, psychotic asshole. And then when she apologizes to Killian for hurting him, he uses her body as a place to fuck away his frustrations and leaves her out in the cold.
And now he comes back and is trying to tell her what she can and can't do?
Absolutely not.
She inches towards him, closing the gap between them. Their faces are so close that she can feel his breath warm on her cheeks.
"What's the matter, Killian? Will I be too distracting for you? Are you afraid you won't be able to control yourself with me around?" She tells him quietly, her green eyes locked with his blue. She can feel his breath quickening, his eyelids threatening to flutter shut. Emma even swears she can hear his heartbeat thumping quickly.
He's still in love with her.
"Don't flatter yourself, love. You can't handle this." He tells her, stepping away from her.
"Maybe it's you who can't handle this. Clearly, being close to you is making one part of you extremely happy to see me." She smirks. "Get out. I'll see you at the next quarterly meeting."
Five minutes after Killian leaves her office, Emma is on all fours, digging through the bag of trash filled with old reports in the corner.
"Emma, what are you doing?" Ruby asks her concerned.
"Taking my life back." She answers determinedly, mumbling an "A-ha!" when she finds the coffee sleeve she was looking for. Standing up, Emma smoothes her shirt and walks towards her desk, shooting a bemused Ruby a smile as she takes the phone up to her ear and dials the number on the sleeve.
"August? It's Emma from the coffee shop this morning. Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to get lunch sometime?" she pauses, a smile easily creeping up on her face as she hears August talk.
"Tomorrow sounds perfect. I'll text you my information." Emma hangs up with a smile and Ruby grins at her from the door. Emma Swan was back and Killian Jones can eat his heart out.
On paper August was perfect. He was fun, spontaneous, courteous, and always willing to make Emma laugh. Additionally he was perfectly okay with keeping his and Emma's relationship casual. When Emma is with him she feels carefree and has no worries. She almost forgets whatever troubles her. But, as laid back and as fantastic August is, (their first date was lunch at a food truck five weeks ago) Emma has had a hard time finding the desire to forget about Killian and finally move on. She knows she has to do it, but it feels so wrong to do so, not to mention virtually impossible. What Killian and she had was a great love. How does one easily get over great love? Are we supposed to rip the memory off like a Band-Aid and keep moving forward? Or is it okay to pick at the memory until it scabs over, time heals the wound, and we grow indifferent to the scar?
It's what he wants, Emma thinks. Killian said they were done and she would respect that. Was she still in love with him? Absolutely. Was she still mad at him? Even more so. She hurt him, she knows, but as far as she's concerned, he hurt her right back when he used her body and then discarded her like trash.
Maybe they're too far-gone? Maybe love has an expiration date and after one too many bad days it begins to turn bad. Maybe they actually are done, and it's for the best.
But if they are over, why does he keep looking at her as intently as he does? Why does he too look like he feels the need to push her against the wall and have his way with her every time they are in the same room?
Emma sighs exasperatedly. Her thoughts have been so clouded lately that it takes her hours to get through a simple marketing plan. She closes the bounded report and presses the heel of her palms to her eyes.
She needs to go, she'll just put in some hours into the report during the weekend. Emma stands and starts to get her things ready before she heads over to the bathroom to freshen up and reapply her make-up. August wanted to take her out tonight, and a few minutes ago he texted that he was already on his way. She exits her office, turns off the light, and heads down to HR to clock out.
She meets Killian in HR when she gets there; he's standing in front of her in the line to clock out. It's odd to see him out of his office before nine, let alone clocking out at five. Not that she's checked so she can find the perfect times to avoid him or anything. She's still so in love with him, every time she sees him, Emma gets a sharp pain in her chest. Killian sees her and probably senses her unease or forgot that their relationship didn't end up badly, because he offers her a tentative smile, which she tentatively returns.
"Hello, Swan." He greets, his hand scratching nervously at the back of his neck. Emma hasn't talked to him since she kicked him out of her office over a month ago. He's been avoiding her too, sending his assistant, Jefferson, to meet with her in his stead whenever there's a meeting scheduled between the two departments.
"Hi." She replies, wishing she didn't sound like such a mouse. "You're out early." She continues.
"Aye, I've got dinner with the Charmings tonight." He responds as he inches forward behind the line of people waiting to clock out.
"Right. It's Friday. Your turn." Emma says. Gods, this is so awkward. She can't even bear to look into his eyes for more than two seconds, and even that feels like an eternity.
"You look nice. Are you going out?" Killian asks her, failing miserably at hiding the intense curiosity behind his eyes. Emma is taken aback by the compliment and the question. Does he still care?
"Oh, thanks. Yeah I'm meeting someone for dinner." "Make him jealous! Make him jealous! Make him jealous!" Her mind chants.
No, she answers herself. There's no point to do so. They're over.
"Oh, have I met her?" On second thought…
"No, I don't think you've met him." Emma responds. He stands still after he feeds the machine his time card. Emma has to nudge him to be able to clock herself out.
As they exit the building, Killian walks quietly next to her and Emma can practically hear his mind racing. August is waiting outside the building when they reach the front. He stands leaning against his bike reading a book. That man, Emma swears, he's always reading.
August flashes Emma a huge grin when he sees her, making her giddy and nervous. She turns to Killian who stands stoically next to her, a furrowed brow and a clenched jaw directed at August.
Emma closes her hand gently around Killian's arm, a sad knowing smile gracing her delicate features.
He still cares about her.
"Hey." She starts softly making Killian's eyes meet hers. "Have fun with Mags and David tonight, okay? I'll see you Monday." She finishes quietly and sincerely. Killian's eyes soften and he offers her a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"Will do, Swan." Killian watches her leave towards August. He watches as August gives her a peck on the lips, hands her a helmet, and she swings her legs over to sit on the motorbike. August starts the bike and Emma circles her arms against his waist, she turns to look back at Killian, but he's gone.
They have dinner at an Italian seafood place near the docks that Emma has never heard of. From the outside the place looked dingy and shady and Emma kept teasing August that she was going to get food poisoning. Going through the doors, however, they find a small but fancy place with linen tablecloths. It's dimly lit with chandeliers and it's undoubtedly romantic, faint Italian opera plays in the background. Emma gapes around the room, taking it all in as August takes off her coat.
"You really need to be less judgmental, Emma."
"Shut up." She tells him, rolling her eyes at him.
They spend a good two hours there, talking, eating, and drinking the house wine. The food was ridiculously good. Emma had settled on the shrimp scampi and August had squid ink risotto. They're sharing a tiramisu when August speaks up.
"So, who was that guy that you were with when I picked you up?"
"Killian? Just a coworker." Emma replies trying to brush the subject off quickly.
"Just a coworker? Emma, if looks could kill I'd be six feet under right now. Is he your ex?" He asks, raising his eyebrows encouragingly. Emma mulls over the question while sucking the tiramisu off the spoon.
"Kind of." She replies with a sigh.
"What do you mean 'kind of'? You either dated or you didn't." August scowls animating his question with his spoon.
"We've dated more than once." Emma starts.
"Your point?" he asks and Emma gives him a deadpan look, prompting him to quickly apologize. A filtering system is not a fixture that August possesses. He always says what's on his mind. "It's given me many a slap from an insulted woman." He says.
"Well one was almost ten years ago…" Great, now she has to explain that she was unfaithful to her husband. Which, incidentally, is an amazing topic of conversation when you're meeting someone new.
"And the other?" She really doesn't want to answer him. But she has to own up to the fact that she was unfaithful to Walsh, regardless of the situation.
"It ended about a year ago."
"And you've been divorced give or take two months?"
"Yes."
"So, you're a cheater." There it was.
"Technically, but it's much more complicated than that." Emma snaps, causing August to laugh.
"Settle down, Emma. I'm not accusing you or judging you. I'm not a saint either, you must've had a valid reason." Emma gives him half a smile and dips her spoon back into the tiramisu.
"So, what happened." He prods.
"I don't want to bore you with my sob story." She replies.
"Hey." August says softly, his hand stretching towards her and grabbing hers with a gentle squeeze. "You could never bore me. And as for the sob story, I'd really love to know more about you Emma. The good and the bad." He's serious. No mirth or mischievous glint beneath his pale blue eyes. He wants to get to know her and for the first time in her life, Emma is willing to let someone in through the front door. No need to turn down the walls this time around.
"Okay." She answers before telling him everything. How she had met Killian and how she ended up with Walsh. How Walsh cheated on her from day one and basically abandoned her for half the marriage. She tells him how borderline suicidal she was and how Killian came back from the past and basically saved her. How Walsh found out about her affair, verbally and physically abused her, threatening Killian's life unless she ended it and moved to D.C. with him. How she played the role of dutiful wife with Walsh while he screwed around with his campaign manager all night in the room next to hers. She finishes by telling him that she thought she had mad the right choice by opting to save Killian's life rather than risk him being hurt but that he didn't see it that way, and now he wants nothing to do with her. So, now Emma is starting over after picking up all the pieces of her messed up life and choosing herself over pleasing every one else.
"Wow." August exhales, his hands squeezing hers reassuringly. "C'mere." He beckons her, patting the space of booth that's free next to him.
"Why?" she asks, emotionally drained.
"Emma, just…come here." She obliges, telling him to move over and sliding into the booth next to him.
"Okay, I'm here." She says expectantly. He gives her a rueful smile as his hand creeps up to her chin. "I'm not going to promise you anything." He tells her looking straight into her eyes, "I'm not going to hold you to anything, either. I want to make you happy for as long as you'll let me, be it a day or a week, or however long you feel comfortable with."
"You don't have to do that." She says.
"I want to. Emma, I think you're incredible. I do, but I also understand what it's like to feel the eternal paradox of wanting to be alone but hating being lonely. I want to be here for you, for as long as you want me to be." He answers her, brushing strands of rebellious blonde hair behind her ears. "I know this isn't serious, it's just casual, but I still want to be there for you. Will you let me?"
Emma nods and lets August kiss her, his hand cradling her neck. His lips are soft and full, his touch caring and thoughtful. That night, in her apartment, Emma has sex with him. While it was nowhere near the passion she felt when she was intimate with Killian, Emma appreciates it for what it was. As August moved inside her that night, she knew she had made a right choice in calling him, in opening up to him. This time she wasn't intimate with someone because she needed it to feel worthy of attention that she lacked, she didn't do it because she had a void and empty shell of a heart that just needed to feel wanted. She did it because she wanted to, because it felt right, because it was high time that she let go of everything that tied her to the past two years. And she wasn't doing it to let go of Killian, or the love she still feels for him, but to let go of all the pain she experienced and all the mistakes she made. She was starting fresh and beginning again.