Gwynne kept her head down during the entire time she was at the table with the Starks. She could barely eat, her stomach was tied into so many knots. The guilt was making her heart sink every time Robb flashed before her eyes. She felt a strange tingle between her legs and shifted uncomfortably in her seat to try and repress it. The way his eyes looked at her as he was grinding against her, heavy with need as they stared through her soul. The noises he was making, the groans and moans that slipped through his lips with every thrust against her.
"Gwynne, is everything alright?" Ned's voice snapped her back to reality with a jump.
She finally tore herself away from her eggs and glanced up to see everyone at the table staring at her. She swallowed back the lump swelling in her throat and nodded quickly, assuring him she was fine.
Ned eyed her curiously and shrugged it off, turning to his wife to continue their previous conversation. Gwyne didn't realize that her hand was shaking until she locked eyes with Robb. He was staring at her, a smirk spread across his lips as he watched her from across the table. Her entire body froze as a wave of heat rushed through her body.
"Gwynne, is everything alright? You've barely touched your food." Sansa pointed out from her chair.
"Yes, sorry."
Sansa leaned in closer. "Is it because Jon left?" Sansa always seemed to have a way with words. The truth was, she enjoyed knowing everyone's business. It wasn't something she would go out of her way to receive, but if the possibility was there, she took it. And there it was, sitting across the table in the form of Gwynne.
When Gwynne didn't answer, Sansa continued. "I heard men in the yard say they found a body beyond the woods."
"It's not Jon!" Arya shouted.
Sansa rolled her eyes. "I didn't say it was Jon, I said they found a body."
They continued to argue amongst themselves and didn't stop until Cat spoke out against their volume. The children finished their meal without making another sound, though Arya didn't seem too thrilled about it.
Before long, their meals had been finished and everyone hurried off to resume their lives. It didn't take long for Gwynne to find herself standing alone in the yard of Winterfell, her eyes scanning over the faces that passed by her. One day they would be her people. They would look to her for guidance and help whenever they needed her. The thought of having so much depend on her was almost nauseating. Her father had countless people depend on him. He had been strong enough to lead men into battle, to protect their home and those who lived there. But he was so much different than his only child.
He was strong and determined. He was a skilled fighter and had once taken on five men at once during a routine training session. He left that fight without a scratch on him. She hadn't seen that fight, but she had heard about it constantly growing up. He was also one hundred percent faithful to his wife, whom he loved more than anything.
The truth was, she didn't know much about her father. Ned Stark had always assured her that when she was old enough, he would tell her everything she wanted to know. Her father was a dear friend of the Lord, and not many knew him as well as Ned did. But whenever he came up in conversation, Ned could see the tears swelling in Gwynne's eyes and it would always come to an abrupt end then and there. He loved Gwynne as though she were one of his own children and couldn't stand seeing her cry. So they came to a mutual agreement that once she was deemed old enough to hear about her father, Ned would tell her. She had yet to reach that age.
But one thing she did know about her father was his incredible love for his wife. She had been his friend since childhood and had been betrothed to one another the moment they came of age. She was graceful and kindhearted, always smiling and laughing. He was strong and loyal to the Starks of Winterfell, a skilled swordsman who came alive in battle, whether it were real or simply a sparring lesson.
They were so different from one another, yet they fit perfectly together. He had never looked or touched another woman and Ned had once told her that even the most tempting young woman couldn't sway his mind from being unfaithful to his wife. That was something she had always cherished.
And yet here she was, her heart torn between two men. She had kissed both of them and had taken Robb into her bed. Though she technically remained untouched, she felt anything but. And she had no doubt that if her father had been alive to see what she had done he would be sorely disappointed in her actions.
Her emotions were suffocating her as she stood there, unable to move. Suddenly, she understood why Jon had to get away. When her guard was down and her mind was focused on all she had done she felt an unbearable urge to run away from where it had all started. Though not sure of the exact feelings she had towards the two young brothers, she knew that in the end, someone would get hurt. Someone would have their heart broken, no matter the path the Gods chose for her.
It was then that she realized that she could never knowingly break one of their hearts by choosing the other. If she chose neither of them, yes, they would both be hurt, but they would bounce back and move on. She knew Robb like the back of her hand. She knew how many women wanted him and knew he would find another wife in no time at all. And Jon had vowed that one day he would join the Nights Watch, where he would take no woman and have no children. If she left now, they could both carry on with their lives without giving her a second thought. If she left now, maybe they would be fine.
Gwynne had convinced herself it was the right thing to do. She wouldn't tell anyone, she wouldn't say goodbye. She would get on a horse and leave. She wasn't sure of her destination but she knew the Gods would lead her to wherever she was meant to be. She wasted no time in making her way to the stables. Luckily, no one was there as she prepared her horse for the journey. Her fingers hurried as they strapped the reigns to her horse, shaking from fear that someone would find her and stop her before she could even leave Winterfell.
Without wasting another moment, she climbed upon her horse and gave it a swift kick, pushing it forward and out of the stables. She rode past people as she made her way for the open gate, refusing to look back out of fear of what she may see.
Keep going. Don't look back. Ride until you can't see Winterfell any longer.
The wind blew past her as her horse galloped further into the open field, making its way for the woods just ahead. She had never run away from anything before but she knew she had no choice. She refused to be the reason that tore two bothers apart. If Ned had put his foot down and gave her no other option than marrying Robb then she would have no choice. But the marriage wasn't something she was being forced to do. Ned had assured her that he and his lady wife had simply made it an option. Their first option, but it was one nonetheless.
As she rode on so did her mind. Truth be told, she couldn't understand how both brothers could have fallen for her. She knew that she wasn't painful to look at but she also wasn't the best looking woman in Winterfell. She was plain looking, dark hair and dark eyed, just like most of the Starks. She didn't possess the curves some of the other women did. In fact, she had always seen herself as a normal looking woman. And yet, she had somehow managed to have two hearts in the palm of her hand.
The further away she went from Winterfell, the more her thoughts consumed her. She didn't guide her horse, she simply went wherever it was taking her. She had become lost in her thoughts and doubts and found herself completely oblivious to new surroundings.
She was lost until something brought her back to reality, neighing loudly and stomping its hoofs against the hardened ground. Gwynne pulled on her horse's reigns, bringing him to a stop as she listened carefully. It took a few moments until she heard it again and instantly she knew what it was.
It was the wild horse that Jon and Robb had brought her to see all those moons ago. She recognized the sound of the wild beast. It somehow sounded different than the horses she had grown up around. She navigated her horse towards the sound until they reached a small clearing and it finally came into view.
Gwynne climbed off her horse and stepped forward, leaving it alone to graze on the grass beneath its hoofs. The wild horse was still unlike any she had ever seen and she found herself unable to tear her eyes away. It was as white as snow and untouched by man. In front of her stood pure beauty and innocence, something she knew she could never achieve.
"Gwynne?"
She heard the voice instantly but it took a moment to register exactly who was standing behind her. She spun around and came face to face with the bastard who had abandoned her in the woods in the middle of the night. She blinked a few times, convinced that her mind was simply playing tricks on her. There was no way he was standing there in front of her. He had left days ago, he was long gone and halfway across the land by now. That was what she had told herself over and over again. And yet, here he was, standing in front of her with a look of confusion and shock on his face.
She wanted to be mad at him, wanted to slap him and yell at him for leaving her the way he had. But when she saw him standing in front of her, all she could do was run to him and throw her arms around him.
She shut her eyes tightly and let out a sigh of relief when he embraced her back. He was covered in sweat and dirt but that was the furthest thing from her mind. She found him. She came looking for a way out, for the Gods to show her the path she was meant to follow, and she found him.
"I thought you would be long gone by now." She whispered to him, her arms wrapped tightly around him.
He laughed under his breath. "Me too." He had every intention of going as far away from Winterfell as his horse would take him. But the moment he stumbled across the wild horse, he found himself unable to move forward. The horse reminded him of Gwynne and he couldn't bring himself to leave her for a second time, even if it wasn't truly her.
Finally, Gwynne tore herself away from him and looked him up and down. "Are you hurt?"
He shook his head. "I'm not. Gwynne, what are you doing all the way out here? Are you by yourself?"
"I had to get away. I couldn't breathe. I..." She drifted off when she remembered it was Jon she was talking to. She couldn't open up with him the way she used to. Not now and not with what was bothering her.
"Did you tell anyone where you were going?"
"No...I didn't."
"They'll be looking for you, Gwynne. You should go back."
"I'm not ready to go back." She frowned. Part of her was terrified to go back to Winterfell. She was almost scared to find herself alone with Robb again. She hadn't laid with him when he had come to her room to comfort her, but she knew that her body wanted nothing more than to feel him inside of her. In truth, she was scared that after another encounter like that, she would no longer be a maiden. She knew Robb would never force himself on her, but her body seemed to ache for his touch with each passing moment.
"Gwynne, you have to go back. Father will be furious with you." He told her sternly.
She felt defeated. Would he take her back himself? Would he, unknowingly, throw her back into his brother's arms? The Starks had done more for her than anyone else in the world. She didn't want to seem ungrateful for it all, but she couldn't go back. Not yet.
"You're not sending me away, Jon." She wasn't as physically strong as her father but she could be just as stubborn as he was.
He let out a defeated sigh when he knew he wouldn't be able to convince her to head back. "Are you hungry?"
She shook her head no. Jon motioned for him to follow her to the small clearing where he had set up camp. He took a seat on a log and tore into the piece of bread he had set out to break his fast. It wasn't a glorious meal and he wasn't in the extravagant dinning hall, but it was something.
Gwynne took a seat beside him on the log, carefully tucking the fabric of her dress under her as she studied his face. "Everyone's worried about you, you know."
Jon scoffed as he took a bite of bread. "Everyone?"
He had her there. Yes, his half brothers and sisters were distraught that he was missing. Even his Lord father was worried, though he had tried to hide it. Jon may be a bastard, but at the end of the day he was still Ned Stark's son. But Jon wasn't talking about any of them. He was talking about Cat and she knew it.
Gwynne had noticed a bounce in Cat's step from the moment Jon had left. But she would never tell him that.
"Jon, your brothers and sisters are worried about you. Your father's worried about you! You need to come home and stop being foolish."
He ignored her words and kept eating, keeping his eyes low to the ground. He heard her sigh with defeat but didn't bother saying anything further.
He missed them, too. He knew he was acting childish and being foolish. He had known that from the moment he ran away. But now it seemed almost too late to pack up and head back. There would be whispers about him through Winterfell, Ned Stark's bastard who went out into the world and couldn't handle it so he came running back. No, he couldn't do that. Bastards may not have much pride, but whatever small amount Jon had wouldn't let him go back.
Finally, Jon found his voice again. "Have they began the wedding preparations yet?" His voice was bitter and Gwynne could hear it with every word he spoke.
His words still caught her off guard and her body tensed at the word wedding. "Jon, we're not engaged. Your father simply mentioned the possibility of us getting married." Gwynna paused for a moment before finishing her thought. "I don't understand why the thought of me and your brother married bothers you so much, Jon. Am I not a good match for him?"
She was sure she knew why it bothered Jon so much but she didn't want to make an assumption and end up being wrong. He had kissed her and she was positive that he had some sort of feelings for her. But she wanted to be sure. She needed to be sure.
Jon's heart was beating anxiously within his chest. He swallowed the bread in his mouth, his eyes never moving from the ground. Now was his chance. Now was his chance to tell her how he felt about her, how he couldn't stand to see her with his brother. How it would break his heart to see them marry and have children and one day become the Lord and Lady of Winterfell. How she would have everything with Robb that Jon could never give her, no matter how badly he wished he could.
But when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe it was best if nothing else was said between them on the subject. But she wouldn't let it go that easily. She had to know. She had to know that the kiss they shared wasn't him being caught up in the moment. She had to know that he meant what he did, the way he touched her. She couldn't live out the rest of her days never knowing the truth.
"Do you have feelings for me, Jon?" She pushed.
He didn't say anything. Still, his eyes never left the ground. Both of them could hear the wild horse, still neighing and galloping around the clearing, but it no longer seemed to matter.
Jon felt his entire body heat up from embarrassment. Why wouldn't she drop it?
"Jon? Do you?" Her voice was a shaky whisper as she spoke.
"Yes." The anguish in his voice was clear enough for the both of them to hear.
Her entire body froze, her heart nearly ceasing completely. He cared about her. He cared about her and she had just let his brother spill his seed against her. She had kissed Robb and let him touch her. Gwynne felt sick to her stomach from the guilt that suddenly consumed her. How could she ever tell him what they had done in his absence? He would never forgive her betrayal. At this point, she wasn't sure if she would be able to forgive herself, either.
"Do you still plan to pledge yourself to the Nights Watch someday?" Her voice was still as shaky as before. Her nerves had gotten the best of her and wouldn't calm no matter how hard she tried.
He nodded solemnly in response.
She couldn't help but scoff. "Then how do you expect us to be together, Jon? You can't have a wife, you can't have children."
Jon abruptly got to his feet and finally looked at her. There were tears in his eyes but his dark hair hid them well from her. "I don't know, Gwynne. I don't have all the answers. I just know that I can't be with you."
Gwynne stood up, a warm breeze blowing her hair over her shoulder as she stared back at him, determined. "You can't be with me? Or you don't want to?"
"Don't you understand that it isn't that easy?" He snapped. He hadn't meant to, but she wasn't thinking of the bigger picture. She wasn't thinking about the life that had already been planned for her. She was acting oblivious and it was driving him mad. "You're going to wed my brother, Gwynne. My brother. He's the only person who has stood up for me my entire life, the only person who truly cared."
Gwynne felt her blood boil. "The only person? What about me, Jon? How quickly do you forget about all that I've done for you? I've stood up for you when I can, Jon, but your parents took me in when they could have left me as an orphan. How could I turn around and spit in their faces?"
She waited for him to say something but once again he was silent. Her anger subsided and she found herself letting out a heavy sigh. "I have feels for both you and Robb and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know what's expected of me but I don't know if it's the right choice. I'm just as lost as you are, Jon."
Her first sentence lifted his heart and broke it at the same time. Until that moment, he didn't know that was possible. She had feelings for Jon and his brother. She loved them both, wanted them both. But she could only truly have one. Jon wouldn't share her, and he knew his brother well enough to know that Robb would feel the same.
"You can't have us both, Gwynne. You need to chose who you want. I won't share your affections or your body with anyone. If you want to be mine, you have to be mine and mine only."
Her heavy heart finally got the best of her. It took only a moment before she broke out in tears. She covered her face in her palms, ashamed. Was she foolish enough to truly think, even for a moment, that she could have both of them? Her legs gave out on her and she found herself seated on the log once again.
"I don't understand how this happened. For the life of me, I've been trying to figure out how I've managed to do this. How could someone like me have come between two brothers?" Her body was wracked with sobs. Maybe this was all just a dream. Maybe she had gone back to her room after she broke her fast and fell asleep.
It always broke his heart to see her cry. She was too beautiful to cry a day in her life. She was the only ray of light in his world. A world that was overwhelmed by darkness.
Jon walked over to her and knelt down in front of her, lifting her face to look into her dark eyes. It was now or never. If he didn't tell her how he really felt he may never have the chance again. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, Gwynne. I've loved you since I was a child. I always will. I would make you my wife in a second if I could have the chance. I would never let anything happen to you and protect you at all costs."
Gwynne felt as though she was about to throw up whatever food she had eaten a few hours earlier. "You...you love me?"