I'm sorry I haven't updated this story for a while! Just getting settled back into life after a few unexpected turns, so I wasn't really able to sit down and write a proper chapter. But, here we are, with another update! Thanks for continuing to read this story and don't forget to drop a review and let me know what you think so far!
Perhaps she had drank too much wine too quickly. Perhaps she had realized that she finally could be open with her thoughts and feelings. Whatever it was, Gwynne found words she couldn't take back slipping through her lips and into Jon's ears.
"I wish there was a way that we could have a life together, Jon. Without leaving anyone feeling betrayed or hurt."
How many sleepless nights had Jon suffered wishing the same thing? He would pray to the Gods, over and over again, begging them to find a way for Gwynne to one day be his. It wasn't until he had grown older did he realize what the Gods could have perceived he was asking for and harmed his brother in some way. Jon wanted to be with Gwynne, but not at the cost of his brother's life.
"I can't believe that I spent my entire life chasing after Robb when it was you that I had wanted the whole time. You were right there, beside me, and I never once thought to look. And now that I know, here you are, and I can't have you."
Her words melted his heart. He reached forward, cupping her cheek in his hand. His thumb gently caressed the warm skin beneath it in a gesture that eased Gwynne's eyes closed for a moment. He loved the way she felt against him, loved the look deep in her eyes whenever she made eye contact with him. It always made his heart to pound feverishly in his chest. No one else had ever made him feel that way. And standing there looking at her, he knew no one else ever would.
"You might not have me by your side, Gwynne, but you'll always have a part of me. You'll always have my heart, no matter where you go or what you do."
She opened her eyes and found tears burning at them shortly after. It was heartbreaking each time she came head on with the situation they were in. If she were to be with Jon, she would betray the man she was to marry. And if she were to accept the marriage proposal and become Robb's wife, she would break Jon's heart. Either way, someone would end up being hurt. She had found herself torn between two brothers and two completely different lives. Lord Stark was all about loyalty and honour. She had always thought of him as her father, so shouldn't she follow in his footsteps and do what was required of her?
But her body still yearned for Jon's touch. Whenever he touched her, no matter how innocent the touch was, her entire body felt as though it had burst into flames. There was an urge inside of her, an urge that was desperate to feel him become one with her. She could not give him her future, but she could give him a piece of herself that no other man could ever have. Not even his brother.
"I have to do what's expected of me." Her voice quivered as she whispered to him, tilting her head up to meet the eyes she dreamt about when she closed her eyes at night.
"I know, and I would never dream of asking you to do otherwise." It was a harsh reality, but he had learned to accept it over time, no matter how much it may have hurt. He loved her, but he respected his brother. Robb deserved to be happy, deserved to be with the woman he loved. Jon was just a bastard. He didn't deserve to breathe so why should he take a love that never should have belonged to him in the first place?
A faint smile spread across her lips. "Why don't we go back inside and enjoy the festivities for a while longer? I'm not ready to retire to my bed just yet." Gwynne suggested.
Jon bowed his head and held a hand out. She placed hers in his and he led her back into the dinning hall. They continued to laugh, dance and drink through the night. Their worries and futures quickly vanished from their minds as they decided to enjoy the moments they had together now.
She was beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol swimming through her body when she leaned in to whisper in Jon's ear. She was in no way intoxicated, but the extra courage had definitely come from the drink. "Should we retire for the night, Jon?" She had been watching him the entire time, the way his eyes seemed to light up every time he looked at her. He truly did love her. If there was ever a reason to doubt it, the look in his eyes made it disappear just as quickly as it had come.
He nodded and finished the rest of the ale in his mug, placing it down on the wooden table beside them. He walk side by side with Gwynne as they made their way back to the hall their rooms were in. He stopped in front of her door turned to face her.
"Good night, Gwynne." He bowed his head slightly and turned to retreat to his own room where he would no doubt toss and turn for the remainder of the night. But he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard her voice call out to him.
"Why don't you spend the night in my room? After all, we are far away from Winterfell. You don't want anything to happen to me in the middle of the night, do you? Your father won't be pleased..." She trailed off.
Jon couldn't help but laugh and turned back towards her door. He opened it and held a hand out for her to enter first. She smiled coyly as she entered the room, standing in the centre of it as Jon made his way inside. He made his way to the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress, his hands reaching out behind him to hold his body up. He watched her standing there in a room lit dimly only by candles. The moon was hidden beyond thick clouds that seemed to separate them from the rest of the world. In all his life, he had never laid his eyes on anything more beautiful than Gwynne. Even in the candlelight she looked like a goddess standing before him.
Shaky hands went to the bottom of her thin shirt as she slowly lifted it over her head. She heard a sharp breath slip through Jon's lips when he saw she was wearing nothing underneath the fabric. Her cheeks burned as she let the shirt fall into a puddle of fabric by her feet. Her fingertips reached into the waist of her skirt, grabbing a hold of it and inching it down towards the ground.
"Gwynne...stop..." Saying those two words hurt him to say more than anything else in the world.
She froze with a look of confusion and embarrassment on her face. "Stop?"
"You've been drinking. I won't have it happen, not like this."
She always did like a challenge. "How about we let your body decide that? If you can keep your hands off of me, I'll stop." She wasn't being foolish. She wasn't drunk. She was in full control of her actions and she knew this was what she wanted. She had spent many hours debating whether she should go ahead with her desires or not and had come to the conclusion that this was something she desperately wanted. No, needed. She needed to feel him inside of her, to feel his chest pressed against hers. She wanted him to take her innocence as she took his. They would give each other a gift so special no one else in the world could have it.
Gwynne closed the space between them and rested her knees on either side of Jon's body. She felt his chest stiffen against her when her arms wrapped themselves around his shoulders. Only a thin layer of fabric was resting between their chests and she knew Jon must have been desperate to rip it away from them. Yet he somehow fought against the urge and instead dug his fingers into the sheet below them.
She leaned forward, her bare chest pressing against his, as she placed a gently kiss at the base of his neck. She didn't have much experience with men, but from the stories she had heard amongst the women in Winterfell, she had a few tips she could put to use. They seemed simple enough and judging from the deep groans coming from Jon's throat, Gwynne decided she had caught the gist of it.
Her fingertips found themselves tangled in Jon's hair as she continued to leave a trail of kisses across his skin. She could feel the goosebumps rising underneath her lips as she traced his jaw. She paused at his lips, leaving hers hovering over them. His fingers had dug so deeply into the sheet they gripped that he was sure he was moments away from tearing holes into them. He could smell her there, an inch away from him, and couldn't fight the intoxicating smell of her any longer.
One hand reached up to grip her hip tightly as the other grabbed the back of her head and pulled her lips into his. Her body moved instinctively with his as they continued to kiss. He didn't want to stop kissing her, even if it were just for a second to remove his shirt. He wanted time to stop and to remain here with her in his arms forever. He didn't want to go off for the Wall never to come back. He didn't want Gwynne to marry his brother and give him heirs. He wanted to stay here forever, just like this.
Much to his dismay, Gwynne pulled her lips away and rested her forehead against his. "I knew you wouldn't hold out for very long."
He looked into her eyes and saw into her soul. Here she was, the girl he loved, the girl he was destined to lose. And despite how much heartache it may cause in the future, there was nothing Jon would ever change about their time together. He cherished every moment they had, every surprising adventure they had when they were children and every hardship they encountered while they were growing into young adults. He wouldn't have changed a single thing for the world.
But that was also the reason why he couldn't bring himself to go any further, despite how desperately his body wanted to. "Gwynne, please, we really can't." He knew if she continued to go the way she had been going he would give in. He needed her to say no. That was the only way he wouldn't touch her. That was the only way he would act the way he was supposed to. If he could convince her to tell him to stop, then he could preserve her honour for the man who deserved it. His brother.
She sighed and closed her eyes tightly before opening them again. "Don't worry about the future, Jon. Live right now. If you can have me now, why wouldn't you take me?"
"You're not mine to take, Gwynne. You know that. I love my brother. I can't betray him from lying with the woman who is to one day be his wife. Can you imagine how he would feel if he ever found out?"
"Jon, I'm not married to your brother yet." She reminded him. Hell, she wasn't even engaged to be married to him yet. Lord Stark had simply mentioned the possibility to her. For all she knew, some Lord from a far away land could bring his beautiful, exotic daughter with him and she would be deemed a better fit for the heir of Winterfell. "Your father can always change his mind as easily as he decided it."
He knew she was right, but the chances of that happening were slim to none. From the moment they had come to an age to realize what marriage was, the both Jon and Robb had known that one day Gwynne would be wed to Robb. She wasn't a lady, but she was the perfect fit for Ned's heir. Robb's happiness meant everything to Ned. It wasn't long into their lives that the Lord and Lady of Winterfell had quickly taken notice of how their son seemed to brighten every time Gwynne was near. They had a few possible wives for Robb that had visited the castle with their lord fathers over the years to see if there was another possibility they hadn't thought of. But none of the women seemed to peak Robb's interest as much as Gwynne did.
Ned knew he was a lucky man to have his wife fall in love with him over the years. He had known many men that weren't as lucky in marriage. Their wived had been forced to wed them and had never allowed themselves to harbour feelings for their husbands. Some of them had even resented the men for being the reason they couldn't be with the man their hearts truly desired. He didn't want his oldest son to grow up to find himself in one of those marriages. From the moment he laid his eyes on his infant son, Ned had promised himself that Robb would marry for love and nothing else. And he knew his son well enough to know that it was Gwynne who held his heart.
"You don't think you'll be examined once you return to Winterfell?" Jon knew Cat's hatred for him had no boundaries.
"What do you mean?"
"Once Lady Stark finds out you've been with me, you don't think she'll have someone examine you? To make sure you're still...intact?"
Gwynne scoffed at first. But the more she thought about it, the more she began to realize how possible that could have been. Cat would stop at nothing to finally be rid of Jon once and for all. But would she go as far as to break her firstborn's heart to rid herself of Jon? Could Lady Stark truly be that heartless?
"She would never. If she did that and Robb found out, it would kill him. She would never do that to him."
Jon felt her warm skin under his fingertips. Absentmindedly, they dug into her hip as he continued to look into the eyes of the only woman he'd ever loved. "Is that a risk you're willing to take? You have no idea how torn I've been about us all this time. I understand the need I have for you, but I also understand just how much I'm hurting my brother, a man who could have turned his back on me but didn't. Robb could have looked at me as a rival, he could have killed me once he understood that I was his father's son and could have possibly come between him and ruling Winterfell. Instead, he accepted me as his brother and gave me nothing but love through our entire lives. And here I am, in bed with the woman he loves and the woman he's going to marry someday."
It was that she finally realized what she had been doing to him this entire time. She had been acting so selfishly, thinking about only what she wanted and worried about how her actions would effect her rather than the two bothers who were involved. She had never truly seen the situation from Jon's point of view before. She never did understand that Robb could have shunned his bastard half brother just as Lady Stark had. Instead, Robb had done the exact opposite and stood proudly by his bastard brother side. And here she was, about to have Jon thank him by taking his future wife's innocence.
Gwynne suddenly felt ashamed as she slid off Jon and took a seat beside him. She wrapped her thin sheet over her shoulders, covering her naked torso from Jon's view. All these years, she was busy dreaming of marrying Robb. And now, her childhood dreams have nearly come true and suddenly she's decided she's in love with another man. His own brother, no less. Did she truly love Jon or did her heart just want what it knew she couldn't have?
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." Jon finally said.
She placed a hand gently over his as it rested upon his knee. "I know, Jon. I just...I feel so foolish for all of this. I don't know what I was thinking."
"Believe me when I say there's nothing more in the world that I want than you, Gwynne. And if you weren't to marry my brother, I would have taken you in one second and wed you in the next. But I would never be able to forgive myself if I took what should be my brother's."
You can only give yourself to a man once in your life. While it wasn't exactly unheard of for women to take other men as lovers throughout their lives, it was still something that was kept under wraps. No man wanted to lie with a woman knowing she had lied with a dozen men in the years before he met her. Gwynne was sure that Robb would be no different.
She imagined the pain it would cause him if he found out that Gwynne had given herself to his bastard brother. The betrayal, the hurt, it was almost too much to think about. She loved Jon and wanted to be with him, even if it was just once, but she loved Robb too much to do that to him. Even if Robb never found out, it would be a heavy secret both Gwynne and Jon would be forced to carry for the rest of their lives. It would be in the back of her mind each time she looked at her Lord husband and saw him gazing back at her with nothing but love in his eyes. It would stab at her heart until it shattered into a million pieces.
The silence was deafening. Finally, Jon got to his feet and made his way to the nightshirt Gwynne had dropped onto the floor. He made his way back to her and handed it over so she could dress herself. She took it and he turned his back to her as she covered herself again.
"Will you still sleep here?" Her voice was so quiet he could barely hear her. Somehow, he was able to make out her words over the pounding of his heart in his ears.
"I'd like that." As far as Jon knew, this would be one of the last night they could ever have together. Once Gwynne was returned to Winterfell, their carefree days of sneaking off together would be long gone. Lady Stark would see to that personally.
He laid down beside her and draped an arm over her slender waist as he pulled her body into his. He took in a deep breath and smelt the freshness of her hair. It was a scent he would have to remember to keep himself warm on all those cold, lonely nights at the Wall. And her sweet smile would be the constant reminder to gain ranks in the Nights Watch to be able to visit Winterfell in the future. He would travel across the world if it meant he could see that smile one more time.
In a few days, they would return to Winterfell and their lives will change forever. Until then, Jon promised himself that he would make enough memories with her to last for a lifetime without her.