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Jon had spent the remainder of the night tossing and turning, his body aching for sleep but to no avail. He could feel the heaviness of his eyes weighing down on him as the hours passed, yet each time he closed them they would bolt open only moments later. His mind was consumed by his thoughts and it wouldn't let the rest of his body relax enough to fall into a deep slumber.
So he leaned over onto his left side and kept his eyes focused on the face that haunted his dreams at night. The candles had been blown out, leaving the small room in a state of almost complete darkness. The bright light from the sun illuminated the room as best it could from it's distance outside. Most remained in the shadows. Yet somehow it seemed to light up Gwynne's face perfectly.
He could see her there, lying only a few inches away from him. The gently curves of her face, her soft skin and sweet lips. Everything that haunted him endlessly was right there, staring back at him. He reached it and ran his thumb against Gwynne's cheek, the warmth of her skin radiating off his. He had never seen anything so pure, so lovely. It hurt him to think about anyone else lying in bed with her, no matter how far away in the future that could have been. It hurt even more when he realized it would one day be his own brother lying with her.
He watched her, a small smile spreading across his lips, as she stirred awake, her eyes fluttering open as her legs stretched out down the mattress. He would never see anything as beautiful as she looked in that moment. Would these memories be enough to survive a lifetime of lonely nights at the Wall? Or is he just setting himself up for a lifetime of torture?
"Have you been awake long?" Gwynne's whisper snapped Jon back to reality.
"I couldn't really sleep." He told her simply. There was no point in trying to deny the sleepless night he had spent next to her. He had no doubt that she could see just how tired he was with one glance.
"Do you want to go for a ride before we break our fast?" Gwynne pushed herself to a sitting position. She brought her knees into her chest and wrapped her arms around them as she watched Jon's tired eyes beside her. "Maybe it'll wake you up."
Jon couldn't help but smile. "I'll get dressed."
He made his way back to his room and cleaned himself up the best he could. He remembered how much they had danced the night before as he washed his face with the cool water in his bedchamber. He looked down at himself and grimaced to see how dirty his clothes were. Finding a change of clothes, Jon quickly tossed the dirty fabric aside and dressed himself for the day. Gwynne said she would wait for him downstairs and he didn't want to keep her waiting for too long. He didn't know how the men were in this village and he didn't want to take any chances with her safety. It was his duty to return her to Winterfell intact and unharmed and that was exactly what he intended on doing.
Jon made it downstairs in a matter of minutes. As he neared the front desk he saw Gwynne standing there with a smile on her face and a basket in her hands. He asked her what it was as he came to a stop in front of her.
"I told the innkeeper that we would be back in a while to break out fast and she insisted that I take this with us. She said she's put plenty of food in there for us to take on our ride. The fields further west are supposed to be beautiful and full of flowers. She suggested we take our horses there for a ride."
Jon took a hold of the basket and held his arm out for Gwynne to led the way to their horses. "I like the sounds of that."
Jon couldn't help the fit of laughter that burst through his lips. His stomach began to ache, he was laughing so much.
Gwynne sat on the grass across from him, her mouth open in disbelief. "I can't believe Theon never told you that story!"
"I assure you he didn't. I don't think he'll ever tell anyone else that story." Jon managed to get out.
She watched Jon's laughter subside as she took a bite of the peace she gripped in her hand. "Does it bother you that you don't know who your mother was?" The question came out before she could stop herself.
Jon's entire body tensed at the mention of his mother. He kept his eyes down, focused on the grape he twirled between two fingers. He shrugged. "Father always said he'd tell me one day. He said he would answer all the questions I had when I was old enough to fully understand. I just have to wait until then and then I'll know all that I want to."
Gwynne paused for a moment. "He said the same thing about my parents. I know he doesn't want me to get upset by what he tells me...but I still want to know my parents. What if the land breaks out in war? What if something happens to one of us and we never get to learn about our mothers and my father?" She couldn't help but sigh at the thought of never knowing. "Even if I could just know how my parents met."
"I've heard bits and pieces of how your parents met...but I don't know if I'd be able to do the story justice."
Gwynne's mouth nearly fell open. "You know bits and pieces? How come you've never told me?"
He had known for years but he had always told himself to keep what he knew away from Gwynne. It was never his place to tell her of her parents. "I knew father would tell you one day. And I never wanted to upset you by telling you about them."
She took a deep breath to try and calm her racing heartbeat. "Tell me. I want to hear it. I'm ready to hear it." She assured him. He couldn't say he knew of her parents without telling her what he knew. That would be cruel and Jon Snow was anything but.
"My father said that your parents had known each other their entire lives. Their mothers had been friends since childhood and had both found themselves pregnant within the same year. One gave birth to a girl, the other a boy. Your parents knew each other and spent time together since they were children playing the knight and princess in the field beyond the wall. They fell in love at a young age and were together ever since."
Gwynne nodded when she realized what had finally torn them apart. "And then my mother passed bringing me into the world." Her voice was as low as a whisper just Jon heard it as though she had shouted it from over the castle walls.
"That wasn't your fault, Gwynne." Jon said quickly.
"No, I know. It couldn't have been helped. But still, sometimes I can't help but wonder if my father ever looked at me and saw his wife dying before him." She paused for a short moment. "Ever since I was a child I had always looked at your family with such admiration. Lady Stark was to marry your father's brother, yet she ended up with your father. They learned about each other, learned to love each other, and she's blessed him with children he loves more than the world itself. I suppose I've always wondered if my family would have been like that had my mother lived."
Jon's heart ached at the mention of his family. Though he shared the same blood as his brothers and sisters, Jon had never truly been accepted into the Stark family. Lady Stark had hated him since he had been an infant, and even Sansa grew annoyed when he was around. But Ned had always told him that he was his son, his blood, no matter what. And Robb had nothing but love for his bastard brother. Not to mention Arya, though Jon had just assumed she still liked him because she couldn't fully comprehend what him being a bastard meant. It scared Jon to think that one day Arya might turn her back on him the way Sansa had taken to doing as she grew old enough to understand his existence.
"The Gods have reasons behind everything they do." Jon popped a grape into his mouth and stared intently at the girl across from him. "Maybe you were meant to one day be a Stark and this was just the way the Gods chose to make it happen."
Gwynne scoffed. "Was it their plan for me to fall in love with you?"
They wanted to test my strength. "I don't know."
Gwynne opened her mouth to speak but was silenced by an angry roar of thunder that erupted from the sky above them. They both looked up as rain began to fall. Jon jumped to his feet and reached a hand out towards Gwynne. He led her to a small patch of dry land just beneath the abandoned remains of a small house that was just beyond the trees. He had taken note of it on the ride after noticing dark clouds starting to blow closer and closer to them. He had assumed they would be able to eat and make it back to the inn before the rain fell, but clearly he was mistaken.
The Gods know what they're doing. Jon hadn't noticed how closely Gwynne had her body pressed against his until that moment. His arm stayed draped over her shoulder, pulling her into him as she wrapped her arms around his waist. She smiled as she glanced up towards the darkened sky and watched thousands of raindrops decent from above. A flash of lightening burst through the clouds and Gwynne jumped from the sudden eruption of noise that followed. She laughed and tilted her head up to look at Jon.
"Only we would decide to have a picnic with a storm approaching."
She had gotten wet. He had tried to avoid that, tried to get her under the roof before the rain got to her, but it had resulted in failure. Her dark hair clung to her face, dripping wet and sliding down her soft skin. She stood beside him, drenched with rain, and she was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
He wasn't thinking. His heart made a move and his body obliged without a second thought. He reached his hand out to cup her chin and brought her lips into his. Gwynne shifted her body and pressed her chest against his, returning his kiss eagerly. If what they were doing was so wrong, so forbidden, how could it possibly feel so good? Whenever he found himself touching her there was suddenly not another being in the entire world. Reality crumbled to his feet and he found himself stranded in a beautiful dream he dreaded waking up from.
Gwynne could feel Jon stiffening against the bodice of her dress. His body reacted to her touch, to her kiss and seemed to urge her further. If they had been born different people, if they were born in a different time, she would have begged him to rip off her clothes and take her right there. She could feel the moisture between her legs and knew that it was all her body desired. And yet, no matter how desperately they wanted each other, they knew they could never succumb to their need for each other. Not without destroying a family in the process.
She managed to free her lips from his and started to catch her breath. "What are you going to do once we return to Winterfell?" What are you going to do when I marry your brother?
Jon reached a hand up and pushed a damped cluster of hair away from Gwynne's forehead. He caressed her cheek with his thumb as if it would burn the feeling of her skin against his in his memory forever. "I'll leave for the Wall the moment my father allows it."
The thought of Jon spending the rest of his life at the Wall bothered her. He didn't deserve to die out there, cold and alone. He deserved to find a woman to love, to marry her and have children to carry on his blood. She had known of Jon's desire to become a man of the Night's Watch since they were children, but she had always assumed that he would one day grow out of the fantasy when he came to realize all he would be sacrificing. And yet here he was, as determined as ever to sign his life away.
"Jon, why don't you stay in Winterfell? You can find a wife, have children, have a life." I can't imagine my life without you.
"I can't. I can't watch my brother marry you."
Every touch, every kiss, dug the knife deeper into Jon's heart. He might have a few days with her but Robb would get a lifetime. A few days wasn't enough.
She could see the pain in Jon's eyes. If she could erase all his memories of her and start over, she would. She cared about him more than anything else in the world and yet she was the one causing all of his pain. She could have ignored his looks and rejected his kisses. Instead, she welcomed his lips and was constantly wanting more. She had caused every nightmare and every ounce of heartache he felt.
"I promise you, Jon Snow, that one day you will find a woman, someone who is a hundred times prettier than me, someone who makes you laugh until you wet yourself and someone who will look at you with nothing but love. And that day you will forget all about me and it will be only you and her in the world."
He couldn't help but smile at her hopefulness. But he knew what she was saying would never happen for him. He wasn't Robb Stark, the heir to Winterfell. He was Jon Snow, a bastard of the north. No woman would marry him let alone love him. He knew Gwynne would be the only one.
But he didn't want to make this any harder than it already was. He smiled and nodded, silently agreeing with Gwynne as he leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead. No one could ever truly replace her.