Alright, so I know that I haven't updated this story in a while, so I just wanted to take a second and apologize for that! And now I want to say enjoy this chapter and don't forget to leave a review! I made this one a little longer for you guys because I took so long to get this one up. Enjoy!
Gwynne remained silent as she stared into Jon's sad blue eyes. They confirmed a fear she had all along. She could never truly love Robb Stark. Her heart belonged to one man and one man only. It wasn't a measly possession she could simply just pass around to please others. Her heart belonged to Jon Snow and she knew it wouldn't be able to go anywhere else.
It would hurt the Starks. They would be left feeling betrayed and dishonoured, but one day they would be able to move on from her mistakes. They would accept the past as something that cannot be changed and would look towards the future just beyond the horizon. If the Gods were good, they would one day forgive Gwynne. Until then, she would live her life in a hidden shame. She would have no choice but to leave Winterfell and never look back.
That was the future and she decided that the present wasn't the proper time to concern herself with it. With a shaky hand, Gwynne reached forward and traced the outline of Jon's jaw. He closed his eyes, silently enjoying her touch, as she grazed her fingertips against his short beard.
"If the Gods are good...they will find a way for us to share the rest of our days together. Even if it's in another lifetime. One day we will be able to be together." She spoke in a hushed voice as she watched his eyes open slowly.
"I never once meant to make you doubt your love for my brother. I know you have it, along with the love you have for me. You just have to forget about me and let yourself love Robb and Robb only." It killed him to say the words but they had to be spoken. He never deserved her love, his brother did. A bastard didn't deserve to have someone like Gwynne care about them.
"I will never be able to love Robb the way I love you, Jon Snow." Every word of it was true. No matter how much she may try, she knew she would never be able to love anyone as much as she loved Jon. No one could ever compare to him, not even his own brother.
Jon whispered her name with such heartache even she could hear it. "I thought if we spent a few days together before we returned to Winterfell, it would benefit the both of us in some way. But now I feel as though this is only going to make it even harder to stand by and watch my brother marry you."
"I won't marry him, Jon."
"You have to, Gwynne. He loves you. He's always said that he would marry you one day."
She bit her bottom lip and remained silent. They could run from their fate no longer. It was time to go back to where it all started, to where she used to watch Robb from across the yard like a love sick moron and to where she had first realized how much she desired Jon. Winterfell was more than just a home for her. Winterfell held everyone she had ever loved within its strong walls. Winterfell was her entire life. The mere thought of having to turn her back on the only people she loved was enough to send her mind into a panic.
Gwynne knew what she had to do but could she manage to go through with it? Over the years she had managed to convince herself to go through with certain thoughts and had only regretted it. Once, a few years ago, Gwynne had finally managed to gather the courage to tell Robb how she felt about him. She had forced her shaky legs to steady themselves and marched up to Robb as though he had insulted her. She opened her mouth to tell him how she felt, how she had always felt about him, but came to discover that her voice had seemingly vanished. Theon had made fun of her relentlessly for that. To this day, every once in a while he would bring it up when the four of them were together with a devilish grin on his lips as she turned red from embarrassment.
As she sat there, staring into Jon's eyes, Gwynne began to wonder if she would get cold feet once faced with the reality of leaving Winterfell for good. Would she get as far as the stables or would she barely be able to make it out of her bedchamber? As if leaving the only home she had ever known wasn't bad enough, she had to accept the fact that she would have to say her final goodbyes to the Starks. Even if they wouldn't know it until the next morning, Gwynne would have to tell them how she truly felt about them and how thankful she was for everything. If she just vanished without saying a word to anyone, she knew it would haunt her for the rest of her days.
"I'll be leaving for the Nights Watch the first chance I get once we return. I'll make amends with my family for taking off and I'll leave you to be with Robb." He couldn't help but smile faintly as he looked at the face that haunted him each and every night. "You'll be a beautiful bride."
"We should go back." She couldn't bare to be there another moment. Each passing second served as a reminder that they would soon return to Winterfell. Jon would leave for the Wall and Gwynne would wed his brother. She could stand it no longer. The sooner they went back the sooner they could move on.
Ned's bastard said nothing. He swallowed the words bubbling in his throat and nodded. Maybe she was right. Maybe the Gods would find another way for them to be together.
They rode back to Winterfell in a dead silence. Gwynne had been desperate to say something to break the silence but each time she opened her mouth she was at a loss of words. Tears were burning at her eyes and she knew that if she spoke they would come streaming down her cheeks. She had grown tired of crying. When she was a child, she had cried nearly non-stop once she had been told her father had passed. Your father has gone to the heavens to be with your mother, now, Ned Stark had told her. And one day, when the Gods see fit, you'll be by their side once more. When she was a child, there could be nothing worse than having to face the reality of no longer having a father. But now she was a woman who has bled and who will one day be married to the heir of Winterfell. It was time she began to act like the lady she was to become.
The silence between them was killing Jon, but he made no attempt to bring it to an end. The less that was said between them the better it was. He hoped it would make it easier for him to watch Robb court the girl he loved. Maybe the silence would wedge itself between them. Jon could hope all he wanted, but they both knew that it wouldn't be that easy.
As they cleared the last row of trees, Winterfell came into full view. Gwynne took a deep breath and gave her horse a gently kick to keep up with Jon's. The closer they got the faster her heart beat. Gwynne was sure it would burst out of her chest before she took a single step into Winterfell.
When a familiar voice suddenly rang out behind them, Gwynne and Jon pulled their horses to a steady stop and turned to watch Robb approaching them on horseback. His horse came to a stop and Robb looked at them, back and forth, as a thin smile spread over his lips. He had known Jon his entire life. He knew Jon would never betray him in the way Theon had been whispering into his ear this entire time. But still, a small part of him couldn't help but wonder what could have happened between them while they were gone.
"Welcome home, Gwynne." Robb's eyes fell to Jon. "Brother. Father will want to speak to the both of you immediately."
The three of them began to ride the rest of the way, side by side, as they did hundreds of times before. And just as before, Gwynne rode in the middle, a young woman torn between the two brothers who rode beside her.
"Is father mad?" It was a stupid question to ask, but Jon could resist the urge no longer.
Robb laughed dryly. "Well, father isn't pleased with the two of you. First his son goes missing and then Gwynne. It's safe to say that he's been in better moods."
Brother. He could have said his father's bastard, but he said brother. That's how much he loves the man you've been kissing and touching behind his back, was all Gwynne could think.
"And your mother?" Jon could only imagine how furious Lady Stark would be with him upon his return. He had no doubt that Gwynne running away would be blamed on him. And he was sure that Lady Stark would be the one to put that thought out there.
Robb gave Jon a worried look. That was all Jon needed to confirm his suspicion. He took in a deep breath to steady his nerves and tried to keep his head up as they rode into the streets of Winterfell.
Gwynne stood nervously by Jon's side as they faced the Lord and Lady of Winterfell. Robb stood silently behind them with his hands cupped together behind his back. He hadn't wanted to be there as his brother and future bride were scolded for running away from Winterfell, but his father had insisted that he stay.
"What the two of you did was incredibly irresponsible. Why in the name of the Gods would the two of you leave like that?" Ned kept his voice as calm as he could but it was clear that he was more than upset with the current situation.
"It was my fault, my Lord. I left. I left and Gwynne tried to find me and bring me back." It was the truth. They didn't need to know the reason behind Gwynne going after Jon and they didn't need to know the exact details of their time together outside of Winterfell.
Ned turned to Gwynne and the tone of his voice suddenly softened. "Gwynne, why would you leave like that, without telling anyone? Do you have any idea of the thoughts running through our heads? All the horrible things that could have been happening to you?"
Gwynne opened her mouth and suddenly realized how dry it had become. "I'm sorry, my Lord. I never meant to worry you or Lady Stark. I just...I was worried for Jon's safety."
"And so you went out there, by yourself, in the middle of the night? What about your safety?" Lady Stark made no attempt to hide her true feelings. Every person in Ned's study was well aware of the fact that Cat's only concern had been Gwynne. Not a tear would have been shed from Lady Stark's tired eyes if Gwynne had returned with Jon's lifeless body.
"I wasn't thinking properly, my Lady. I'm sorry."
"The way the two of you have acted has greatly disappointed me." Ned let out a heavy sigh. "What am I supposed to do with the two of you? Jon, you're to go to the Wall soon and Gwynne, you are to one day marry my son. How could you both be so irresponsible? You're not children anymore."
Jon and Gwynne both apologized once again. How many times would they have to apologize before it was finally accepted? At this point, neither of them were sure it ever would be.
Ned paused for a moment, his eyes darting back and forth between his bastard son and Gwynne. "I'd like to speak to them alone." He finally said.
Robb bowed his head and stood by the door, waiting for his mother. Hesitantly, Lady Stark walked away from her husband's side and strode past his bastard. Jon didn't miss the look of hatred she gave him as she passed him. Even a blind man wouldn't have been able to miss it. He felt his body ease slightly when he heard the door shut and Lady Stark's footsteps grow fainter.
Ned leaned back in his chair, his eyes focused on Jon. It seemed as though it was only yesterday that he had held a tiny Jon Snow in his arms. Ned had remembered how chubby Jon's cheeks had been when he was a child. And whenever Jon had smiled they seemed to grow even bigger. From the moment Ned looked into his son's eyes he had known Jon would never have an easy life. He had known that his lady wife would despise the young boy until her dying day and she hadn't disappointed him. Off all the possibilities of hardship and heartache Ned had predicted for Jon Snow, this had never been one of them.
"What you both did was reckless and irresponsible...but I was young and in love once, too. It can make you do foolish things." Like break vows and bring another woman's child home to your wife. Not once had Ned blamed Jon for his actions when he was away at war with Robert. Ned was the one to blame and yet all these years Cat had blamed Jon as though he were the one who betrayed her.
"Gwynne, do you love Robb?"
Her entire body tensed. She had to answer that in front of Jon? She bit the inside of her lip and took in a shaky breath. "Yes."
Jon shut his eyes tightly as her words fluttered through the air. He opened them a few seconds later and kept his eyes focused on the ground. He knew she loved Robb. She loved both of them, that was the problem. But nonetheless it still hurt him to hear.
"And do you want to be his wife someday? To bear him children and heirs?" Ned knew they were hard questions to answer but they had to be asked.
She couldn't answer that. Not without breaking the heart of the man who stood beside her. She felt horrible for allowing herself to fall for two brothers. They had both given her their hearts and she had taken them greedily without thinking about the consequences. And when she finally had, it was too late. The damage had already been done.
Ned turned his attention to his son."Jon, when you think of your future, what do you see?"
There were two futures Jon often found himself thinking of. One was reality and one was a mere fantasy. Loneliness, solitude, and the harsh environment of the Wall was one. And the other was Gwynne. It didn't take a genius to know which was reality and which was fantasy.
"The Wall." Gwynne could never truly be Jon's future.
A low sob came from Gwynne when she heard his answer. She had been holding her breath waiting for his answer and the possibility of him saying she was the future he saw. Her mind told her that her name wouldn't be said but her heart refused to give up on the thought. She wished she had listened.
Ned's eyes fell to the young woman before him. He had given her everything he could once he had taken responsibility for her. He loved her as though she were a Stark and knew he always would, regardless of which of his sons she loved. Sometimes you can't control who you fall in love with.
"When Jon leaves for the Wall, what do you suppose you'll do? Will you live the rest of your days by yourself or will you one day find someone else to love?"
"I don't know." She felt dizzy all of a sudden. All of Ned's questions were proving to be too much to take at once. She wanted to sit down, wanted to roll up into a ball and not have to deal with the reality of their situation.
"I'm asking you for an answer because I don't want to do anything that will hurt Robb. If you truly do not want to wed him then I would much rather him know now. I don't want my son to wake up each morning with the idea of you being his wife if you don't want to marry him."
Ned Stark couldn't have been more right. She loved Jon, she loved him more than she could have ever imagined loving someone. But when Ned had asked for his vision of the future, he had left Gwynne out of it. If he had come to accept his fate, shouldn't she?
"I feel like I've betrayed him, my Lord. I feel like it will be Robb who may want to reconsider marrying me." If he knew the truth of how far Gwynne had gone with her lust for his brother she was sure he would want nothing to do with her. It would kill him and he would never forgive her.
Ned was afraid of hearing that. "Did you two-"
Jon interrupted his father before he could finish. He couldn't bare to hear his father speak the words out loud. "No, my Lord. Her honour is still intact."
A wave of shame suddenly came over Gwynne. She was so embarrassed she wanted nothing more than to bury her face in her hands and leave them there until this was just a distant memory.
Jon's reassurance came as a relief to Ned. "There are some things that men choose to keep a secret and take to their grave. Perhaps what happened when you were gone should be one of them. I love you and Robb equally, Jon, I promise you that. And I will never speak of this again because I want nothing but love and respect between you and your brother."
From their first kiss, Jon had always known that their love had to be kept a secret. He knew it was the only way to prevent destroying the friendship between himself and Robb. And yet each time he had snuck a kiss from her Jon had to fight the desire to climb to a roof and declare his love for her to all of Winterfell.
"I will take it to my grave, my Lord." Jon promised his father.
"And Gwynne?"
"I'll never speak a word of it, my Lord." Her mouth was dry and her throat was sore as she took a short pause before finishing her thought. "And if you still see me fit, I would be honoured to marry Robb, my Lord."