Writer's note: I am SO sorry, you guys. I really meant to get this done, get it posted in a decent time. Last year, about this time, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I haven't been able to do anything I used to love (and still love). I will work harder on posting this and getting it to you. Again, I am so sorry. - Just Jill
Ch. 4: "No One Can Save You this Time" - Dream Theater, Take the Time
The Council's antechamber was half the size of the Council Chamber itself. Lined with padded benches, it was a comfortable room. It was empty now, except for Qui-Gon, who stood patiently near the middle, waiting for the main doors to open. He checked his bond with Obi-Wan just as the lift doors opened and his Padawan stepped out.
Qui-Gon didn't know if his Padawan knew that the Council was checking up on him, through Master Healer Satoru. There was really no reason why Obi-Wan should know; Qui-Gon had arranged to have him speak with the Mind Healer after he'd had one too many nightmares, many of them along the lines of the one that had woken him the night before. That one had been the worst, however. Talking with Master Satoru seemed to be helping, last night's dream excepted. Still, the Council had asked Qui-Gon to keep quiet about the reports they got from Master Satoru. It chaffed Qui-Gon, to keep secrets from Obi-Wan. It could be dangerous; trust was something very sacred to his Padawan. He didn't think they knew just how dangerous it could be, losing that trust. They could easily lose Obi-Wan.
Qui-Gon smiled as Obi-Wan came to a stop before him. "Did you eat?"
"No, Master. I saw Reeft on his way out of the dining hall and stopped to talk to him. I'll find something after this report."
"We are likely to be here for a while."
"Yes, Master, I know," Obi-Wan said ruefully. "Are you feeling better?"
"Yes, Padawan. The heated pools were an excellent idea. How is Garen?" Qui-Gon asked. He had heard only rumors of the ill-fated mission.
"He is recovering. He was injured on their last mission, and Master Zanith is in long-term care in the Healer's Wing. I was glad to see him," Obi-Wan admitted. "It helped me relax before the meeting with Master Satoru."
"Maleni told me about Ceno Zanith. I spent my time in the pools with her," Qui-Gon explained at Obi-Wan's inquisitive look. "She's a good friend of his and has been following his recovery closely. She asked me where you were." As he spoke, he could feel his Padawan drawing away and growing more uneasy. Obi-Wan nodded, distracted, and Qui-Gon looked closer at him.
Obi-Wan's unease increased and Qui-Gon turned his attention away, looking back toward the doors to the Council Chamber. He felt his Padawan struggle to release his feelings into the Force. Slowly the anxiety calmed to unease again.
"Master, after we have spoken with the Council, I need to talk to you about Xanatos's betrayal," Obi-Wan said finally.
The request came out of nowhere, and Qui-Gon could only stare at him in surprise. Before he could recover, the Council chamber doors opened and invited them in. Covering his shock, he wrapped himself in serenity he no longer felt, and stepped in to face the Council.
Qui-Gon's part of the report went smoothly, eased by long years of practice. Unfortunately, the question Obi-Wan had voiced in the ante-chamber distracted him from the report his Padawan made. He wondered why Obi-Wan had asked about Xanatos. He had said little about his former Padawan for years. And yet...
Why had Yoda worried that Qui-Gon would leave the order to go after Obi-Wan? He hadn't when Xanatos betrayed him. Qui-Gon turned his gaze on Yoda, eyes narrowed, wishing he had some insight to how the small being thought. He'd asked his own Master, once, and Dooku had laughed. "It's hard for someone with so few years to understand Master Yoda," he'd said, and Qui-Gon had never quite figured out if his Master had been talking of himself, or of his Padawan.
After Obi-Wan had given his report, the council started in on routine questions, asking for specific details, wanting a better picture of the situation on Jycinda. Finally, Master Yoda brought the session to a close. "Well you have done," he told them.
"Thank you, Master Yoda." Qui-Gon bowed, hoping the rest of the Council didn't feel the relief that filled Obi-Wan when there was no mention of a mission.
"May the Force be with you," Mace said, and the two Jedi turned to leave the Council Chambers. In the antechamber, Obi-Wan let out a sigh as soon as the doors were closed behind them. "I'm glad that's over," he said softly.
Qui-Gon smiled slightly in amusement at his Padawan's relief as he led the way back to their quarters; Obi-Wan still had much to learn. But soon the memory of Obi-Wan's question sobered him. He wondered what was behind Obi-Wan's question, not to mention have doubts about his own reaction. They had not spoken of his former Padawan since he'd fallen into the poisoned pool on Telos except briefly after the incident, and then at the time of the trial. It had been enough to finally put all the events behind him. Xanatos had chosen his path. He'd thought Obi-Wan had made peace with it, as he had.
Once inside their common room, Qui-Gon headed straight to the kitchenette. He wanted a cup in his hands before they started this conversation. Obi-Wan followed right on his heals, apparently feeling the same way.
"I was certain they'd send us on another mission, Master," he said.
"Yes," Qui-Gon said somewhat distractedly, then turned to his Padawan. "Would you get some cups? Then we can have the conversation you wanted."
Obi-Wan nodded and fetched the cups as Qui-Gon began heat up some water for tea, taking comfort in the familiar motions. Fairly soon, they sat down at the table, tea steeping in the cups before them.
"Your comment surprised me, Padawan. What about Xanatos's betrayal did you want to talk about?"
Obi-Wan straightened, his eyes dropping to his tea before meeting Qui-Gon's gaze again. "When Xanatos first turned on you," he asked finally, "what..." He paused. Qui-Gon waited. "You said you were sad," Obi-Wan started again. "What else did you feel?"
Qui-Gon leaned back in his chair. He wondered if the dream last night had prompted the question, and put it aside to discuss later. Right now, he needed to answer Obi-Wan's question. "The first thing I felt was betrayal. Then I was filled with so great an anger I thought I'd burst." His voice was calm, serene, as was he. "I struggled with that anger," he added after a moment. "Even when I thought I was rid of it, seeing Xanatos brought it back. I spent a lot of time meditating to release it.
"When I returned from Telos with his lightsaber..." He paused and caught Obi-Wan's eyes. "I was... very sad."
Sad was not the word for it. He had felt as if he'd been drowning in grief. He'd withdrawn from the rest of the Jedi, and only Tahl and Tenci, his first Padawan, had been able to keep him from doing something drastic. As it was, he'd thrown himself into his work alone, and refused to entertain thoughts of another Padawan, even though, as Yoda had put it more than once, "diminish the Jedi you will, if no new Padawan you take." His resolve had lasted until he'd found a despairing Initiate huddled under a tree in the Corner Garden.
"How long did you feel that way?" The question was gentle, and Qui-Gon wondered if Obi-Wan hadn't caught an echo of what he'd felt, so long ago.
Qui-Gon smiled slightly. "I felt that way for a long time. Once in a while, I remember him, as he was, and I feel it again, but the grief has faded. It's gone altogether when I spend time with friends, or when you do something truly ridiculous."
Obi-Wan straightened, eyes wide with a startled expression on his face. "I, Master? I do something ridiculous?"
Qui-Gon didn't know if the outrage were real or not; since Obi-Wan had returned from his year-long absence he had developed a streak of wry humor. "Yes, Obi-Wan. Such as climbing a sacred tree on Pervan."
Obi-Wan blushed and grimaced at the same time. "It wasn't on purpose, Master," he protested. "The boy told me his sister was stuck in it. I wasn't sure if I was relieved they believed me and so it didn't disrupt the mission, or disgusted that they didn't believe a citizen of their own world. I really don't like Pervan."
Qui-Gon smiled, then the smile widened as his Padawan's stomach growled. "You must be hungry. Go and see if there's anything left in the Padawan kitchen."