Ch. 19: "I'm not Crazy, I'm just a Little Unwell" - Matchbox 20, Unwell
The next few days passed in something of a blur. Obi-Wan spent the first three sleeping constantly. He woke to eat and to speak with Master Satoru. That only happened once, and Obi-Wan couldn't even tell Qui-Gon what they'd talked about.
Obi-Wan woke the fourth morning feeling something vaguely close to normal. A follow up visit with Theela before mid meal confirmed that he'd recovered from the worst effects of the poison and the rock slide. With that diagnosis, his visits with Master Satoru became more consistent. When not with Master Satoru, he spent most of his time in meditation, trying to figure out why he had no control over his shields. He alternated that with trying to figure out why he couldn't remember what had happened before Qui-Gon had arrived at the clinic. Qui-Gon did what he could to help, but nothing they did got them any more information.
Obi-Wan tried not to lose hope, but contemplating his life with shields he couldn't control did not help. It could mean that he'd never leave the Temple again - maybe never leave his quarters. As often as the thoughts crossed his mind, he banished them. He didn't have time to waste on that. He hadn't run out of options yet. He tried to find a positive side, but only his lack of dreams came to mind. He didn't consider it a fair trade.
They'd been back a week when Reeft commed and wanted to catch up. They determined to meet in the dining hall, but when Obi-Wan disconnected, he remembered his shields. Mid meal wouldn't last that long, so he hoped. If nothing else, he'd have more information to give Master Satoru. He left Qui-Gon a message and went to meet Reeft. The two friends met outside the dining hall, and Obi-Wan relaxed when his shields held as they walked in. Once in line, Reeft launched into a amusing tale of what had happened on his last mission. He still hadn't finished when they sat down, and Obi-Wan listened more than he ate.
So caught up in Reeft's story, Obi-Wan didn't notice how the noise in the dining hall he became aware of it, he realized he could hear a lot of it in his head, and his shields had weakened significantly. Reeft stopped his narrative, his hand resting on Obi-Wan's shoulder. Obi-Wan had no time to explain or reassure his friend. Stammering excuses, he bolted for the door, wanting to get out before his shields collapsed completely.
Silence followed him, an indication that he'd waited too long. Near the door, a Jedi took his arm to stop him. Someone asked a question, but Obi-Wan didn't know who asked or who he should answer. Or even if. "I'm sorry," he said, pulling his arm free. "Please excuse me." The Jedi's touch had made his shields disintegrate faster, and he dodged the hands that reached for him. He didn't want it to get worse.
Once he reached the hallway, he sped up, weaving through the Jedi - still too many - going in to mid meal. He aimed for the stairs and the lifts, hoping for a lift. He'd take the stairs if he had to. Fewer Jedi took them, and he'd meet none, hopefully.
A group of chattering younglings stepped off one of the lifts, barely out of the creche, their shields weak, but still stronger than his. Obi-Wan careened into the stairwell and raced up. He paused after a couple of flights to catch his breath, and poked his head into the hallway to check for other Jedi. Still too many minds here, so he started up the stairs again, focusing less on his shields and trying a sort of walking meditation. Halfway up that flight, he panicked and bolted when someone opened the door behind him.
He alternated between exhaustion and panic until he reached his quarters, and the door slid shut behind him. Theela had told him to take it easy, he remembered now, as his Master looked up with concern. "Obi-Wan? Is everything all right?"
Obi-Wan collapsed onto the couch. "No," he said, hoping Qui-Gon couldn't hear his despair under the regret in his voice. "I should have known better."
"What happened?"
"I went to meet Reeft for mid meal in the dining hall. It seemed like everything was fine until a few minutes ago, when my shields started to… disintegrate." He looked up at Qui-Gon, then back down at his knees.
"Why did you go?"
Obi-Wan stifled a sigh. "I was so excited to see Reeft, and I really wanted to get out of here, so I said yes. I didn't have time to change it, when I realized the problem. And," he added, straightening and looking at Qui-Gon, "I didn't want to."
Qui-Gon looked at him for a while, and Obi-Wan felt conflicted about the block on the bond between them. He wished he could feel the disapproval he could see on his Master's face, but had to admit he'd rather not. "I will comm Master Satoru and explain the situation. While I am doing so, you will meditate on the wisdom of what you just did."
Obi-Wan didn't protest. Qui-Gon could have required anything, and Obi-Wan knew he'd gotten off easy in this case. He slipped off the couch to prepare for meditation, and heard the comm start up. He set his mind, gathered his thoughts to calm them, and his shields slammed shut so hard that it rocked him backwards. Qui-Gon turned from the comm, looking at him in concern, but Obi-Wan shook his head and closed his eyes.
Qui-Gon's hand on his shoulder brought him back. "Master Satoru is on his way to see you," he said, and then the door chimed. Qui-Gon waved it open, inviting Master Satoru in, as Obi-Wan got back up onto the couch. The mind healer sat down in the chair nearest Obi-Wan.
"Your Master told me what happened," Master Satoru said. "Do you think something has changed?"
Obi-Wan hesitated. "I haven't gone anywhere without my Master," he said slowly. "At least, not anywhere except to your office. It took some time for my shields to fall apart, and they did so slowly. It took a while for them to slam shut again, too. Not the same amount of time, though," he added.
Master Satoru leaned back, eyes narrowed as he stared at the wall. "I don't know what that means," he said slowly. "I will confer with Master Ashthoret, and we will decide on the next step. I would like you to keep track of what happens, and if anything like this happens again, let me know. For now, if you'll join me in meditation, I'll see if I can help you. If you don't mind, Master Jinn?"
Qui-Gon nodded and went into his bedroom, the door sliding shut behind him.
Obi-Wan settled easier, but within minutes, they both know the exercise wouldn't work. Master Satoru looked at Obi-Wan with an expression Obi-Wan couldn't read. "I am sorry," Master Satoru said. "I believe this will be a difficult road for you. But we will solve this puzzle."
Master Satoru stood, and Qui-Gon came out of his room to walk him to the door. They paused there, speaking quietly.
Given a minute, Obi-Wan realized how much the events of the day had drained him, and he wavered as he got to his feet. Qui-Gon caught his shoulder; Obi-Wan hadn't even realized that Master Satoru had left. "Sleep, Padawan. Master Satoru said you will need sleep to help you recover."
It never crossed Obi-Wan's mind to argue. "Yes, Master." He went into his room and collapsed on his sleep couch. He slept almost immediately.
:"Calm down and we'll start again."
Obi-Wan nearly ground his teeth in frustration. Couldn't he see this was getting them nowhere? He glared at Qui-Gon, but then he released that animosity into the Force - it went sluggishly - and focused again on the meditation exercise. He knew he could do it; he'd done it with Bant not that long ago. He felt the presence of the Jedi Master and slowly let his shields down. He knew his shields were ineffective, but so far he hadn't been able to fix them. He'd spent too much time learning to shield the wrong way.
Time passed with growing frustration as nothing he did seemed to work, and Obi-Wan's nerves started to give out. With that glare, had he just doomed himself, opened himself to further torment by this Jedi who would not take an apprentice? He began to tremble, and when Qui-Gon's mind-pressure eased, it made him even more nervous. Had the Jedi read his thoughts? That would be worse. His trembling intensified and finally, too frightened to keep his shields down any more, he snapped them back into place. The Jedi withdrew completely.
"Perhaps," Qui-Gon said quietly, "we should work on how to keep people out before continuing with these exercises."
Obi-Wan's fear and tension warred with anger and frustration, building up to almost impossible levels. He looked down, twisting his fingers in the short grass. Why didn't the Jedi just invade his mind and be done with it? He couldn't stand the suspense, waiting for the familiarity of someone moving in on his thoughts without his permission. He hated it, but wanted something familiar, even if it hurt.
He slowly became aware of Qui-Gon's gaze on him, not like any of his other Masters, or like the council either. This Jedi did not judge, and that made it worse. It made Obi-Wan feel like a Pleussian line-walker, working without a safety harness, and someone jerked his line. He finally looked up, unable to take Qui-Gon's gaze any more.
"Is something wrong?"
Obi-Wan moved without thinking, striking physically and mentally, trying to make this Jedi do something, anything, familiar, and to make him look away. He struck his chest and face to distract him as he bored into Qui-Gon's shields, using a technique Toman had used on him more times than he could remember.
And he was in, through the thick shields, reaching to control, to hurt like he'd been hurt. The body under him bucked as pain spread through it….:
"No!" He awoke in an instant, more frightened than he remembered ever being. It hadn't happened that way! It hadn't. He hadn't been strong enough to break through his Master's shields then, and he still wast. Obi-Wan curled into a ball, hands fisted to hide how they trembled.
His door slid open and he hunched further under the blankets, not wanting to face Qui-Gon.
"Obi-Wan?"
"I'm sorry," he mumbled senselessly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…."
"Didn't mean to what?" Qui-Gon asked when he didn't go on. He didn't come any closer than the door, although Obi-Wan could guess he wanted to. Stupid block on the bond. He'd always kept his promise to stay out of Obi-Wan's room unless invited in, given long before he'd accepted Obi-Wan as his Padawan.
"I… I had another dream," Obi-Wan said, uncurled, and sat up. "Come in."
Qui-Gon stepped in, pulled the desk chair over to the sleep couch, and sat down. "What happened?" he asked, concern plain in his voice.
Obi-Wan took a moment to answer, eyes fixed on his hands in his lap. "I dreamed that I got through your shields," he said, sounding to his own ears like an automaton.
"When?"
"On Arioch. That day…." Obi-Wan paused, struggling to make any kind of sense. "That day I attacked you."
"What did you do when you got through?"
"But I didn't!" he protested. "I didn't, I didn't hurt you, I didn't even manage to dent your shields."
"No," Qui-Gon said quietly. "Only my jaw."
Obi-Wan stared at him. "But…." He couldn't express how he felt, the horror that had come through because of the dream. He took a shaky breath.
"It's okay," Qui-Gon soothed, reaching out to place his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. Obi-Wan relaxed again, tension draining out of him. "Master Satoru has some ideas. We'll get through this."