"Doctor? Doctor? Oi, spaceman! Wake up!" Donna's loud voice jostled the Doctor out of his thoughts and he looked up to see her looming over him. Blinking a few times, he leaned back and shook his head.
"Sorry, sorry," he said. "Did you say something?"
"Yeah, I said the queen passed away last night."
"What?!"
"No, you tosser," Donna scoffed and gave his head a flick. "I'm just messing with you."
"Oh," the Doctor coughed. "I knew that."
Donna rolled her eyes and then walked around the coffee bar. Pulling out a stool, she set herself beside him.
"Okay, it's high time you told me what's been bothering you," Donna prompted.
"I'm fine," the Doctor wouldn't meet her eye and instead stared down at his tea.
"Nonsense, you've been acting strange for the past week," Donna scoffed. "First off you've been zoning out a lot, hardly talking—which is like so weird for you—and you've been sitting here for 'bout an hour just staring at your cuppa while barely touching it. So, what's going on, Doctor?"
The Doctor ran a hand through his hair and sighed, "Look, Donna, I just… I don't really want to talk about it."
"Well, we're going to talk about it."
The Doctor furrowed his brow and turned his head away. He knew Donna meant well, but he didn't see how she could help him.
Donna let an exasperated sigh and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm just worried about you, Doctor. You've been so… miserable lately. Let me help you, would you?"
"Look, I said I was fine okay?" The Doctor snapped and shrugged her off. "Just leave me alone."
Donna was taken aback from his outburst and the Doctor flinched, cursing himself inwardly. He shouldn't be rude to Donna, it wasn't her fault he was as she said, miserable. Turning back to his friend, he hung his head sheepishly.
"Sorry, Donna," he mumbled. "Should have snapped."
"It's okay, spaceman," Donna gave him a small pat. "I can tell you're under a lot of stress. Is it about your classes? Or…?"
"It's just… I just wish I was someone else sometimes," the Doctor sighed and buried his head in his arms against the counter. "There's so many things I would change in my stupid life."
"Hey, cheer up, love," Donna said softly, giving his back a small rub. "You're life's not all that stupid. You got me 'eh?"
The Doctor smiled a bit at this and said, "Besides that I mean."
"Well," Donna continued. "Instead of focusing on what you don't like in your life, focus on the good. The semester will be over in a few weeks, Mickey and Martha are getting married soon, Rose is going to meet her soulmate in a few days—"
"Can we talk about something else, Donna?" the Doctor cut her off.
Donna frowned and looked at him pointedly.
"Is… is something going on between you and Rose?" she asked slowly.
"No," the Doctor sniffed and lifted his head up from his arms. "Everything's fine. She's fine, perfect. Just like she always is."
The Doctor looked down at his hands and felt the empty sensation tightening around his heart. Glancing over to his forearm, the emptiness mixed with hatred as he stared at the green numbers burned into his skin. The same damn numbers that branded him all those years ago, telling him of his sealed fate. For five years he'd accepted that he'd be alone, he was sure of it. But then he met Rose, and for a second he allowed himself a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, the universe would give him a second chance. Instead all he received was the hard truth colder and more painful than the before.
"Doctor," Donna said softly. "Have you ever told Rose how much you love her?"
The Doctor looked over to her in surprise and opened and closed his mouth wordlessly. Donna smiled and rolled her eyes at him.
"Oh come on," she said. "It's obvious how much you two adore each other. Always touching, all those secret glances and smiles you share. Practically inseparable you are. Everyone can see it. And you're telling me you never once told her, 'I love you?'"
The Doctor looked away and murmured, "No."
"Why not?"
"Because what difference would it have made?!" the Doctor yelled, digging his hands into his hair and pulling it angrily. "What difference would anything have made? Nothing! I could have told her I cared months ago and it wouldn't have changed anything. She's still going to leave."
"You don't know that."
"She's meant for someone else, Donna!" the Doctor cried, glaring at his friend. "Don't you see? In a few days she'll meet her soulmate and she'll be happy and, and I should be happy for her, but, but I just can't. It's not fair. I… I don't want to lose her, Donna. I want…I want to be whole again."
The Doctor hid his face in his hands, fighting back the tears picking at the corners of his eyes. He wished he was anywhere but here. He wanted nothing more than to go back to his flat and lock himself away from the world.
"Oh, Doctor," Donna murmured. The Doctor felt her wrap an arm around his shoulders, trying to comfort him. He didn't want her sympathy. He didn't want anyone's. He just wanted to be alone, just like he'd always been.
Abruptly he stood up and started walking toward the door.
"Bye, Donna," he muttered curtly. "See you later."
The Doctor heard her call after him accompanied with the worry in her voice, but he didn't care. Pushing faster he headed down the cobbled stone, winding his way through the small shops and heading back toward the university. Thunder rumbled above him, soon followed by the gentle drip of rain beginning to fall. Normally he didn't care for the rain, but now he welcomed it. The rain hid the tear stains on his cheeks after all.
The Doctor raised his fist and knocked gently on the door in front of him. A shuffle of papers sounded behind the barrier, followed by the mummer of two voices.
"Oh for god's sake, who the hell is that?" an annoyed voice groaned.
"Shush!" the other voice said and soon the door opened to reveal a ruffled looking Rose. She was wearing a t-shirt and sweats with her hair mussed and tied into a loose bun. Her face lit up when she saw him and a wide smile appeared on her face.
"Hey, Doctor!" she grinned, tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. "Goodness, why're you all wet?"
"Hello," the Doctor couldn't help himself but return her infectious smile. "And, er, I got caught in the rain."
"Well I hope you don't catch a cold," Rose giggled. "Do you want a towel or something?"
"Nah, I'll be okay. Look I'm already drying—"
"God, stop flirting and get to the point," Rose's roommate interrupted from behind inside the room. What does he what?"
"Would you stop being so rude, Shareen?" Rose glared at her friend and then looked at the Doctor apologetically.
"Can I talk to you?" the Doctor asked. "Er, privately?"
"Of course," Rose raised an eyebrow at him. "You know you can talk to me anytime?"
"By all means please leave," Shareen grumbled. "And finally let me have some peace here to study, thank you."
"Alright, alright," Rose rolled her eyes. "We'll leave you alone, grumpy. Sorry the Doctor had to inconvenience your 'studying.'"
Shareen grunted in response as Rose stepped out into the hall and closed the door behind her.
"Sorry 'bout her," Rose said. "But you know how she is. So what's up?"
"Oh, er," the Doctor stammered, scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I just… well, I think…"
He didn't know how to start. On his walk over to the college he'd played through his head over and over again on what he needed to say. But now that he was standing in front of Rose he just couldn't get the words out. His throat felt dry and he couldn't seem to push down the empty feeling eating at him.
"You okay?" Rose asked him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Yeah, fine," the Doctor mumbled. He glanced over at her hand and his eyes caught the moving tattoo on her forearm.
00·02·09·56·47
Where did all their time go? He didn't know if he could do this, he couldn't, he just couldn't… But he had to. If he didn't then he'd never be able to let go. If he was the one to sever ties with Rose, then maybe it wouldn't hurt as much as falling apart when she met her soulmate.
"Do you wanna talk someplace else?" Rose offered, most likely noticing his discomfort. "Back at your flat or at the Noble maybe?"
"No, no," the Doctor shook his head and shuffled his feet. "I won't be long."
"You sure everything's alright?" Rose moved closer to him, looking up at him with concern. He wouldn't meet her eyes, but nodded. Sighing, Rose reached up to brush a clump of his damp hair out of his face.
"You can tell me anything, you know," she smiled softly. "I promise I won't laugh if you think it's stupid. Well, only if it's not a stupid problem like the cafeteria didn't have enough bananas or something."
The Doctor gave a small laugh to which Rose beamed at him, "That's better. Bit more of a smile. Ready to talk now?"
"I… I just came to tell you," the Doctor faltered. Closing his eyes, he bowed in head. Why couldn't he say it? He had to tell her, had to end it. He couldn't… he didn't want to watch her drift away. He wanted to tell her goodbye.
Rose's hand slipped into his and she gave him a reassuring squeeze. Gradually the Doctor opened his eyes to stare down at their clasped hands before looking up to meet her gaze.
"It's okay, Doctor," Rose gave him a soft smile. "You can take your time."
"I just came to tell you that," the Doctor sighed, and then brought his free hand up to her cheek. "…that I'm so happy for you, Rose. You deserve the best, and your soulmate will be one lucky person. They get to meet the most brilliant girl in the universe."
Rose's smile winded and she giggled softly, a blush starting to spread across her face. The Doctor grinned down at her gently, giving her cheek a caress with his thumb. Her hand came up to cover his and she leaned into his touch.
"Thanks, Doctor," she murmured, looking up at him with those beautiful hazel eyes. Then she smiled and leaned forward to wrap her arms around his neck in a warm hug. The Doctor embraced her gently, not allowing himself to hold her closer.
Rose pulled away and scrunched up her nose saying, "Ew, that would have been nicer if you weren't still wet."
"Sorry," the Doctor said sheepishly. "I should probably head back and change my clothes. I'll leave you to your studies."
He stepped out of their embrace and started to turn away.
"Wait!" Rose caught his sleeve. "I need to ask you something… you're, you're going to be there when my countdown ends, right?"
The Doctor blinked and cleared his throat. He didn't want to meet Rose's soulmate. He didn't want anything to do with whoever they were.
Rose was looking up at him hopefully, with just a flicker of uncertainty shining. Over the past week she had been acting very calm about meeting her soulmate, but the Doctor knew she was just hiding her apprehension.
"Yeah," the Doctor gave in with a half-smile. "I'll be there."
Rose grinned and then tackled him in another hug to his surprise. She gave him a quick kiss to the cheek saying, "Thanks, Doctor. Means a lot to me."
"You mean a lot to me," he murmured, letting his hands linger on her hips when she pulled back. Rose kept her hands on his shoulders and looked up at him her eyes searching his face for something. The Doctor's gaze dropped down to her lips briefly before quickly returning to her eyes. He hadn't noticed how closely they were standing with only a few inches between their faces.
"Rose…" the Doctor breathed. "I—"
The Doctor didn't get to finish as Shareen burst open the door behind them. The Doctor and Rose sprung apart quickly, but not before Shareen noticed how close in proximity they were.
"Sorry to interrupt, Rose," she smirked. "But your mum's calling."
She extended her hand, offering Rose her ringing mobile. Rose took it from her quickly, shooting a quick glare at Shareen.
Sighing, Rose turned back to the Doctor and said, "I should probably take this. Mum gets pretty pissed when I don't answer her spontaneous calls."
"Yeah, I know," the Doctor nodded. "I need to get going anyways. Er, nice talking to you again, Shareen. I'll see you later, Rose."
"Not if I see you first," Rose gave him a smile and a small wave before answering her call and disappearing back into her room. The Doctor was left alone staring at the closed door. With a sigh he turned away and started down the hall once more. He couldn't do it. Couldn't force himself to say goodbye. He was nothing but a selfish coward.