The words were easier than I could have imagined they'd be. I feel a huge wave relief. My relief is short-lived. As soon as the words are out of my mouth, Julia's face, usually perfectly composed and somewhat eerily doll-like, distorts grotesquely in anger and she hisses "You're going to regret this," before storming away toward her waiting friends.
She climbs quickly into one of the remaining carriages and I suddenly notice that there is hardly anyone left on the platform. My friends must have already headed up to the school after seeing me with Julia.
Unease sweeps over me as I enter a carriage with several kids who might have been second years. Knowing Julia, I'm not going to come out of this unscathed. I didn't really consider that when we started dating and only a month ago I was convinced I loved the girl.
My carriage pulls up to the school and I climb out first. The excited whispers of my carriage-mates follow me as I walk towards the huge front doors. I warily head into the Great Hall and seat myself next to Fred who raises an eyebrow at me before turning away. Phillip is sitting across from me, Roger is across from Fred. Mer is next to Roger, her dark hair pulled into her signature sloppy but very attractive ponytail and her face bright with laughter from a joke Fred just told.
She is beautiful.
I'm an idiot.
How did I not notice this sooner? Her laughter fills my ears and I can't help but smile.
After the sorting, Headmistress McGonagall gives the welcoming speech (blah, blah, blah, don't break the rules, James Potter) and the food appears on the plates before us. I eagerly fill my plate with everything within reach and I look over at Meredith doing the same. Her large appetite is definitely different in a girl, but I like her all the more for it. Every girl I have ever dated refused to eat in front of me for who-knows-what reason and this attribute in Meredith I find suddenly find highly appealing.
I feel Fred nudge me in the side. "Hey mate, what's with you and Julia? She came in about five minutes before you did." Then, he added in a lower tone, "And why are you staring at Meredith?"
I look over to him and immediately feel ashamed of myself.
Fred was right. He had been right about Julia all along. He tried to tell me, but being the stubborn arse I am, I refused to believe him. I suppose he is the best person to break the news to first. "Eh," I respond after swallowing a large bite of food. "I ditched her."
I try to sound blasé about the whole thing. I'm not upset, but I hate being wrong. I'm also worried about what Julia's going to do, now, but I really don't want to think about that.
Fred's reaction is way more than I had expected. He whoops and energetically thumps me on the back as I took a bite of my potatoes and I choke roughly. Down the table, a few of the new Gryffindors stare, appearing rather frightened by his outburst.
"That's brilliant, James!" A moment passes before Fred realizes what he just said to me, and he backpedals a bit, smile faltering. "I mean… I'm sorry to hear that, but I have noticed she's been making you miserable for a little while…" I had avoided telling Fred the whole story behind what happened on my birthday, but I know it's about to come out, along with, I suspect, some other things about Julia which Fred has been wanting to tell me about.
"Don't worry about it, Fred. You're right." I say when I regain my ability to breathe properly. Phillip, Roger, and Meredith are all listening in now, and Fred's smile widens again. "Yeah. I realized what a pain in the arse she is and was tired of her treating me like dragon dung, so I ditched her."
A combination of "Yeah!", "It's about time!", and "Why didn't you tell us you were going to do that?" is what I hear when I finish. I lean back and look at them, slightly surprised. Julia has always been a bit of a sore spot in our crew, so I'm sure that they all are relieved to hear that they don't have to suffer her presence anymore. That being said, I didn't think it would bring forth this level of emotion from them.
My four mates start to do the victory dance we had choreographed the previous year for Quidditch and I roll my eyes, trying to ignore them so I can focus on the delicious food on my plate. "Guys, don't you think that's a bit much?"
They ignore me, the losers.
"Okay," Fred lowers his voice again after they finish their celebration so only I can hear him. "You didn't answer my other question. Why were you staring at Meredith?" My mind races as try to think up a reason that won't give me away. I would rather not let all my secrets out at once, let alone one as big of deal as liking Meredith.
"Uh… she… she looks a bit peaky and I was just wondering if she was feeling alright." Fred glances over at Meredith, her face slightly flushed as she tucks into her own pile of food, and then back at me.
"Mate, she's eating like you." I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "Come on, there's a different reason isn't there?"
"No…" I poke at my food, but I know he has me cornered. Fred's always been talented at doing that.
To my utmost surprise, and unending gratefulness, Fred just gives me a skeptical look and turns back to his meal. I try to write this off and also try to avoid staring at Meredith any more. This is harder than it sounds, but I don't want to raise too many questions. Everyone in the whole school will probably know about my newfound singleness by the end of the meal and I really should avoid fueling the rumors.
Knowing how rumors go, by the end of the meal, the story will be that she broke up with me. Not that I really care. I've had to deal with publicity all my life and people talking about me is nothing new. That being said, I do wish people actually tried to find the facts before shooting their mouth off. That would save everyone some embarrassment.
I glance down the Gryffindor table and spot Julia flirting shamelessly with a sixth year. The way she looked at him and batted her eyes reminded me how she would act around me before we started dating. I had taken it as her showing interest in me, but she never did fancy like me. She definitely never loved me. The way she acted around me only when there were people around shows that all she loved was popularity from dating me.
I feel sick, again, but this time it's from the realization of how bad I had been played. It hurt to know that the last eight months meant nothing to her. We were hardly together, but I was committed. I should have known from the day we started dating eight months ago that it would end like this. I catered to her every wish. I acted how I was supposed to act around her; how she wanted me to act around her.
Fred had tried to tell me. He knew something and that's why he was so nervous to approach me about it. I know I would have been defensive and stubborn, denying anything he had tried to tell me, but now I want to know.
What was it that I had missed? Fred told me to stay away from Julia when I told her that I wanted to ask her out. He even told me to stay further away from her when I told him that I thought I loved her. Both times I shook my head and said that he didn't know her anymore. Now I realize that she wasn't ever really with me to begin with. I had been used carelessly, and that hurts the most to think about.
I turn to Fred. I can't help but ask. I need to know what she did. "Hey, mate?" Fred turns to me smiling. "I was wondering if you would tell me what you've been trying to tell me about Julia."
My cousin's smile vanishes as I say this and he says slowly, as if picking his words carefully, "Uh, James… it's not that I don't want to tell you, just… now's not the best time. That's a conversation better suited for another time and place."
I nod and continue eating in silence. I don't want to wait to know what she had done, but at the same time, I don't really want to know at all. I glance once more at Julia and see her running her hand through the sixth year's blonde locks and anger burns inside of me. She could so easily move on because she never cared. As I stare at her face, the face that used to captivate me and make me do whatever she wished, all I see is the ugly look she gave me when I ended things a little over half an hour ago. Her face should be stuck like that. That's how she should look to let everyone know exactly what she is.
She really is devilishly clever, even if she is infuriatingly slow. I can see that boy with her hand in his hair falling for the same tricks I did right before my eyes. Julia really knows how to pull a guy in and I don't think there is a single guy that can resist her charm. The look she has when she's trying to get what she wants is unmistakable, now, as I watch her, but I couldn't see it before. Julia can really brainwash a guy to think what she wants him to think.
"She only wants what she can't have, mate." Fred's words echo in my ears all over again. It was the first thing he had said to me after I had asked out Julia, and now I realize how true that is. I was only desirable to her before I asked her out and then I was only desirable to her because she didn't have the popularity she wanted. Well, she has had both, now…
Later in the dorm, I lie on my bed thinking with my hands behind my head. The curtains on my four-poster are open only a wedge to show I'm not asleep, but are closed enough to give me the privacy I was seeking. I hear the door open, then close softly and footsteps over to my bed. Fred's face appears in the gap and he pulls the curtains open and sits on the edge of my bed. He looks torn about what to say.
"Are you sure you want to know everything?" he asks warily. I reluctantly nod my head, not meeting his eyes. I know that what he has to say is going to make me feel worse than I already do, but I know not knowing the truth is going to drive me crazy. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and Fred stands back up. I close my eyes momentarily and start mentally preparing myself for whatever is coming. Fred starts pacing anxiously in front of my bed and wringing his hands.
"Listen, James. I've been driving myself crazy with this. I can't count how many times I've gone back and forth on whether or not to tell you. You're practically my brother and I didn't want to cause any issues that would make you hate me." Fred continues to pace, gesturing as he speaks.
"I haven't told anyone… except Meredith. But Mer has as good as guessed in the first place. She approached me about it before summer break and so I told her the truth. I begged her not to do anything rash… Honestly, James. I had never seen her so angry. I thought she was going to blow up the room we were in!" I give Fred a look to tell him to get on with the story.
Fred lets out a long slow breath. "Right. Anyway, Mer and I talked about it and decided that it would be better to wait and see if you figured it out before school started back. Meredith wasn't happy about that, but I was able to convince her somewhat that you wouldn't believe us anyway…"
"Just get to the point, Fred," I say exasperatedly.
Fred stops pacing and looks at me nervously. "Well, then. James, uh…" He shifts his weight from one leg to the other. "She's, er…," He rubs his head, ruffling his hair. "She's been… you know, cheating… on you."
I did not know that was coming. My eyes widen and I grip the edge of my bed hard.
"Not just once with one guy, either. She's been in several on-going relationships behind your back." Fred's words are rushed as if he's just trying to get the words out as fast as he can to end this awful conversation. This was way more than I could have expected, and it opens a new wound inside me that even breaking up with Julia couldn't cause.
"She never liked you, mate. She's told almost everyone that, but she was still with you because it was good for her 'social position' in school, or some rubbish."
I bite back curses that have started to build in my throat and grip my bed harder. Fred couldn't have done anything about this. Julia doesn't like Fred; Fred doesn't like Julia. On several occasions she tried to get me to stop talking to him, but that was one thing I would never give her. I take a big breath trying to calm down the anger built up inside.
"How long have you known about this?" I ask through gritted teeth. I'm seething and I know Fred can sense it.
"James, you've got to understand that I didn't want you to kill me. You wouldn't have listened to me, even if I had tried to say anything and-"
I cut him off. "How long have you known?" The volume of my voice has increased drastically and Fred stares at me dumbfounded. I've never lost my temper at him before, but he knows that my temper is as infamous as my mother's.
"Well… I…" He's holding back and I narrow my eyes at him. "James…, please…"
"What are you not telling me?" My knuckles are white from how hard I'm gripping my bed, now. Fred's face pales as he stares at his feet, one hair running through his hair.
"James, maybe you should wait a little while to hear the rest…" He looks at me and the death-glare I'm giving him cuts his statement off. I am not going to wait any longer, and he evidently sees that in my face. He looks away from me, staring at the curtains of my bed as if hoping they would help him out of this conversation. "Well… I found out for certain at the end of April." He stops and looks at me again, defensive. "I've suspected since the beginning, though."
His confession deflates me. I was hoping against all my common sense that maybe she liked me enough to stay faithful longer than that. Five months? We had hardly been together a month with she started cheating? I really am a chump.
My anger turns to despair and I lie back on my bed and groan. I cover my face with my hands and fight back the frustrated tears that are threatening the break free. I don't want to know, but I have to. "How did you find out for sure?" I'm dreading this answer even more than the previous one.
I can tell that Fred has been dreading this question as well. He shifts his weight on the balls of his feet and sticks his hands in his pockets. "She approached me." He continues his pacing. "I told you that she only wants what she can't have. Well, I told her after we broke up that I'd never take her back."
I think back to that time. Julia had been screaming at him when he told her that he'd had enough and told him that he was going to want her back before too long. Fred had bellowed back that he wouldn't take her back even if it was a choice between her or a wrestling match to the death with the Whomping Willow.
Then the wands came out.
"She seemed to believe that it was a challenge," Fred spat bitterly. "She sought me out one day and told me she needed to talk to me about you. You had been dating a little more than two months and I don't even know what I was thinking, but I followed her into an empty classroom with her and she shoves against a wall and starts snogging the living daylights out of me!"
WHAT? I drop my hands and look up furiously at Fred.
Taking a small step back, eyes wide, he continues, almost frantically. "Well, you know how she is: hands everywhere, even where you don't expect them to be…" again, another pause and another uncomfortable shift backwards. His voice goes a step higher than before. "It was frightening, James. I was so shocked and disgusted… I tried to push her away from me, but she just leaned even heavier on me. I had to literally throw her off of me to get away!
Fred yells in anger and hits his fist against one of the posts of my bed. "She thinks she's so irresistible, but she's literally the most repulsive being to ever roam the halls of Hogwarts." His rant is just as vehement as one I want to make but before I can say anything, Fred continues.
"Look, James. You're my cousin and my best mate and I promise that I had no desire to snog her while you were dating her… well actually ever after I broke up with her. I hate her, and you know that." Fred's voice lowers to its normal tone. "I wanted to tell you mate, really I did. After I finally threw her off, she screamed about what an arse I am for going behind your back like that and even though I knew she was full of it… I mean she actually assaulted me. But even knowing that, I couldn't get what she said out of my head."
"After that, she seemed to lay low for a while. But a couple weeks later I heard her say something to one of her friends about meeting Logan Peters during Quidditch practice. I asked Peters about it later and he said that they had 'studied' together. We both know that Julia doesn't study and not even Peters could change that about her."
Fred appears to be finished. How dare he? Julia and Fred… in April? And he didn't tell me? I let out a cry of frustration and before I can think about what I'm doing, I'm on my feet stalking over to Fred and punching him hard in the gut with a satisfying "oomph". I race out of the room without looking back at him and slam the door.
I rush through the Common Room, hoping no one will notice me go, and I rush out down the corridor. Julia's ugly expression pops into my head suddenly and I think, again, of how bad she had played me. I think of all the times she took advantage of me… all the times I gave in when I shouldn't have. Every memory, in light of the truth, is a new wound and they keep coming as I rush down the hall.
I start running as fast as I can out of the castle hoping to Merlin that I won't get caught. My escape is clean, thankfully, and I run out to the Forbidden Forrest. I easily find my way to a nearby clearing. This place has been a kind of sanctuary for me since second year. Sitting down with my back against a tree, I lean my head back against the trunk and finally let the tears of pain, anger, and frustration run free.