I look around the dark room as I sneak back in, embarrassed about the fact that I had actually cried about this situation. I'm a man, and real men don't cry. I just feel so helpless.
It's about one in the morning and I'm exhausted. Crying really takes a lot out of a person. I don't understand how some girls do it all the time. The first day of classes is tomorrow… well, today, actually. Great. N.E.W.T. year and everything. This year doesn't seem very promising.
I glance over to Fred's bed. His face is just visible through his bed curtains with his features turned in a slight grimace. I feel a pang of guilt for punching him. There's no way to take it back, now. I'll have to apologize in the morning. Hopefully he'll be willing to forgive me for being such an idiot.
I lie down on my four-poster bed fully clothed and stare at the ceiling. I can't get what Fred told me out of my head, not even to sleep. The way Julia used me hurts so bad and I don't know how I'll be able to concentrate tomorrow. I think most of the professors will be going over N.E.W.T. preparation, anyway, so I think I should be okay if I'm distracted. I hope that this feeling I get from looking at, or even thinking about Julia will go away soon.
I don't know what to think about Julia anymore. Eight months is pretty long for two people who are still in school to be together. I should have known better. I should have listened to Fred, so this situation is largely my fault. I try to remember what drew me to Julia to begin with, but the only thing I can think about at this moment is that ugly look on her face when I ended things.
Julia used me. I'm having a hard time getting past that fact, and I don't know if I will ever get over it. The ease in which she did so baffles me as well as her eagerness to do so. I ended up helping her, and by breakfast tomorrow, everyone in the school is going to hear some twisted version of the story that puts me in a bad light.
Not that I really care about that. People will think what they will. Popularity has never been something I've wanted, though it's not that I don't like the attention. Like Dad, I'd rather leave my personal business to myself. Dad hates being famous. It's like being popular in school, but on a national scale, so it's a bit more dramatic. I don't think I'd be able to handle that, and hopefully I won't… unless it has something to do with playing professional Quidditch. I would eagerly give up a private life for that.
I don't think I hate Julia. It's my fault for letting this get so far. Even knowing the truth about her, it's still impossible for me to hate her.
How could I let this happen to me? I'm such a dumb arse. If I had just had the good sense to listen to my mates; to listen to Meredith…
I've caused pain to everyone close to me through this relationship. Why would anyone even want me around with what a failure I am? Will I ever be good enough for anyone now?
I can't hold it against Julia. I can't hold it against Fred. I can only blame myself. There must have been something that I had done that pushed her away so quickly…
Stupid brain… over-thinking as usual. I didn't do anything. She's the one in the wrong. But, for all my knowledge, I still can't bring myself to accept that conclusion. Thinking about Julia makes me so angry at myself because I allowed this to happen.
I awake to hear Roger and Fred arguing about the recent Cannons/Wasps game. "Nah, Cooper had a much better passing game. His goal to tie the game took some real skill."
"Sure. But you have to admit that the Wasps' keeper had a bad game."
I sit up with some difficulty and glance at my watch: 7:00. I rub my face and climb out of bed.
"You're kidding yourself, mate. The Wasps' keeper has a bad game every game."
"That's B.S. and you know… bloody hell!" I look to Roger to see him staring aghast at Fred's bare torso. "What the hell happened?"
This morning, Fred is sporting a large purple bruise under his ribcage where my fist made contact last night. Noticing me, Fred gives me a wary look and pulls his shirt over his head with a sharp intake of breath. I cringe and catch Fred's eye. "I'm really sorry about that, mate," I manage to croak. Roger looks incredulously at me.
"You did that, James?" I am about to admit to it. I deserve whatever judgment Roger will make of me, but Fred cuts me off.
"He's just sorry that I fell so hard last night." He gives me an intentional look and adds, "Thankfully, he was there to help me out." I glance curiously at Fred, but he just smiles easily. I make my way to the bathroom for a shower.
I turn the water to cold and climb in. I've taken cold showers for as long as I can remember. They wake me up in the morning by contrasting so well to my warm bed. The cool water makes me alert; gets me ready to face the day.
Ten minutes later, I'm dressed, awake, and feeling much better than I did last night. I guess a night of sleep can really put a new perspective on whatever is going on in life. Plus, Fred doesn't seem to have held my recklessness against me, and Roger, Phillip, Fred, and I all start to walk down to the great hall together, chatting easily about our schedules for the year. Thinking about the fact that these guys will put up with me even during my impulsive and stubborn times really lifts my spirit this morning.
The four of us sit at our normal place along the Gryffindor table and Nev… Professor Longbottom, sets our schedules in order. "Everything alright, James?" Neville asks as he fills in my time table. He's eyeing me scrutinously.
As much as Neville is a good friend of the family, I still don't really fancy telling a Professor about my problems, so I simply answer, "Yes, Professor." I turn to Phillip to compare our official schedules, but I meet a familiar, horrible set of brown eyes staring me down further down the table.
Julia's face is puffy and flushed. Her blood-shot eyes are smudged with make-up and she has six or seven of her girlfriends around her trying to, I'm guessing, 'keep her from crying'. She is also, noticeably, wearing her clothes sloppily. The Julia I dated never cried, never let anyone see her look anything but perfect, and definitely never allowed anyone to look at her clothes as being, Merlin forbid, "sloppy".
Her glare, accompanied by the seven other glares from her friends causes me a moment of discomfort, but it surprisingly doesn't bother me any more than that. I simply shrug it off and return to my waffles. I won't let her mind games bother me, I decide to myself. I had tried so hard to give her anything she wanted and she took advantage of that. I don't owe her any attention, now.
Last night I was more confused and hurt than I'd ever been, but this morning my pain and doubt seem to have washed away with my grogginess. The glares and the state in which Julia is presenting herself (what she looks like is never by accident. I did listen to her on the phone sometimes) could only mean she has told her tale to the school, already.
Anything about me spreads like Fiendfyre, and anything she said about me probably twice as fast and just as ferocious. I start to notice other stares, too. Slytherins and Ravenclaws are standing on their benches to try to get a look at me… and not just the normal first years that have done that every year at breakfast since I started. There are a few glares and a considerable amount whispered conversations.
I can't bring myself to care. Whatever she has said about me will probably make people mad, and possibly make me less desirable, but what does it really matter in the long run? Roger and Phillip keep looking up at me cautiously throughout breakfast. Fred looks up apologetically once and shaking his head. They know that Julia has likely done something nasty and it's only a matter of time before we find out exactly what.
I watch Albus walk from the Slytherin table to where Rose is sitting near the entrance to the Great Hall, and my attention is diverted as Meredith enters the hall behind them. Her eyes make contact with mine and she smiles widely, making her way towards our group.
"Hey, James…" I jump at the unexpected interruption, spilling orange juice on my robes. Al and Rose are standing right next to me. How did I not notice them coming up to me? Oh yeah… Mer. "We need to talk to you. Can we get out of here?" Al says gesturing towards the entrance. I nod my head and stand.
"Fred, we need you to come, too," Rose adds as I stand. Fred joins me in standing and the four of us head out of the Hall, followed by the whispers of our fellow students.
We walk quickly down the hall and when we reach an empty corridor, Rose and Al turn to me and look expectantly. I am so confused at this point. "What's going on, guys?"
"James," Rose began gingerly, "What happened between you and Julia?"
I can't tell what the problem is. What I did what perfectly reasonable and probably the best thing I could have done with my life. "Well, nothing. I ditched her last night because I finally got fed up with her."
"Is that all, James?" asks my brother warily. I realize that this probably has something to do with what Julia has been saying, judging from the looks the entire school has been giving me this morning.
"Perfect," I mumble to myself. "What exactly did you hear happened?" While I didn't care before, the possibility of my relatives believing what she's said is fueling my anger. Shaking, I look at my brother and cousin expectantly. The two of them just look at their toes.
Fred speaks up and sounds a little pained. "James? Could I suggest that maybe you should take a breath before you hear this?" I peer over at him holding his middle and I guiltily take in a couple of deep breaths to calm down. I can't afford to lose my temper against two other people I care a lot about. Good thing Fred's here or I probably would have done something stupid already. I feel my anger ebb away as guilt takes over and Rose starts to explain the situation.
"Well, I know you wouldn't do anything like this… but… well…" Rose starts to pauses and takes a breath before continuing. "Last night I heard Julia screaming in the girl's dorms, you know how loud she is when she's mad, and this morning she came down to the common room dressed like how she is now, but she cast a couple of charms to make her eyes puffy and red and started wailing on the spot."
"I already knew she presented herself like that. The only thing I did to her was break up with her, but she's bound to want revenge. She's always done it before. What does that have to do with anything?"
Al opens his mouth to explain, but is interrupted suddenly by gales of laughter coming down the hall after us. I look to see Phillip, Roger, the Scamander twins, and (my heart swells and my stomach lurches) Meredith all running down the hall with huge smiles. "What's going on, now?" I ask aloud to no one in particular.
"I just hexed Julia!" Meredith declared proudly, twirling her wand in her fingers. I'm not at all surprised. Meredith is a formidable opponent and doesn't hesitate to pull out her wand. Julia must have really had it coming to her if Mer hexed her so quickly. Mer thinks carefully about what she says and does before, which contrasts so strongly to my impulsive nature. It is Meredith, along with Fred, who keep me in line most of the time. Thanks to the two of them, my head isn't quite as inflated as it could be, or how it was in the past. Thank Merlin that I met Meredith when I did. Who knows how I'd turn out if she wasn't there to keep my ego in check?
"Why?" Fred and I ask together.
"Well, if you didn't know yet, Julia is apparently spreading some pretty nasty stuff about you," responds Lysander.
"I figured. Like what?" I'm much calmer asking this time than the first time.
Meredith puts her wand away and says, "She said that you cheated on her with… well, with Patricia Wong." Patricia? The girl with the most questionable reputation in the school (not to mention, definitely not my type)? Silence filled the large corridor before it was broken with a torrent of laughter.
"James," Phillip managed, "you should've been there! After you left, Julia went on this rant about how you cheated and when she caught you she broke it off and how heartbroken she is. Roger and I started laughing so hard that we couldn't breathe, let alone do anything about her. It's a good thing Mer was there."
Our group calms down enough for Roger to explain what happened, better. "So after Meredith brilliantly hexed Julia, Logan Peters from Ravenclaw and Jesse Finkenaur and Luke Kirkpatrick from Hufflepuff rushed to her defense, claiming that their girlfriend didn't deserve that."
Roger pauses and I blink a couple of times letting this sink in. Four guys… well, three now, at the same time? And I was just thinking Patricia's reputation was bad. "This, of course, led to a rather hilarious reaction between the three blokes. Julia was being attended to by Professor Chang…"
"Damn it… Chang?" I turn to Meredith, "You didn't get detention, did you?"
Mer cocks an eyebrow. "Do you really not know the answer to that?"
"So… 'yes', then?" She smirks and rolls her eyes in response.
"Of course she got detention. It's Chang!" Roger says impatiently. Meredith and I share a glance and hold in a laugh. Sometimes our humor does go over Roger's head. "But anyway, Kirkpatrick cast a Stinging Hex on Peters starting a three-way duel and we decided to make a timely escape before we got caught up in it."
I actually do wish I had been there. The entire situation would have probably been rather amusing. I do kind of feel bad for those other guys, though. Not too much, since they were the ones cheating with my ex. At least now Julia has to deal with the humiliation of her backfiring plan. But why were Rose and Al so tentative in approaching me about something so unbelievable? "Why didn't you guys tell me in the first place? I probably would have laughed just as hard as I am now!"
"I know, James," Al admitted, "but that's not just it. I know you wouldn't do that with anyone, let alone the school broom, but it's something else she's been spreading. I'm guessing she wanted this to go around less publicly so it would do the most damage. She's got to know that a majority of people wouldn't believe this story unless she put up a good act but…"
Another silence, this one awkward and strained, filled the corridor. It's driving me crazy that people are keeping something from me. "What's going on, Al?" Al doesn't continue, though, so I turn to Rose, who looks down at her hands.
"Well, James… she said… and please don't get mad at us…" I am guessing that Rose and Al are the only two in the group subject to this information at the time being because nobody says anything, or tries to explain. We all are just looking at my brother and cousin curiously.
"James, Julia's been saying that you've been using Felix Felicis for Quidditch."
I stand is stare in shocked silence mentally pleading for someone to tell me that Al really hadn't just said that. Julia says I've been using Felix Felicis? Is she serious? Why would anyone even believe that?
The silence in the corridor is deafening as everyone waits for my response. Fred gives me a worried expression and once again a take a few deep breaths to no avail. My face is growing redder and I'm starting to shake; I know I'm about to let the anger get the better of me. I turn around on the spot and head back to the Great Hall.
All rational thought has left my mind. I can only think of my anger. I should have known that if she didn't succeed in ruining my social reputation, she would ruin my athletic reputation. She would know I care for that a lot more. Any accusation of the lucky potion being used in a sporting event is taken with extreme caution and could possibly be the worst thing Julia could have said to hurt me. How could she even prove that I was using it? I have no way of obtaining the potion and I definitely lack of skills to brew it. I didn't even make the grade for NEWT-level Potions, for Circe's sake!
I hear the clatter of feet behind me and I know that the group I just left is following me, probably to stop me. I quicken my pace. I don't know what I'm going to do when I reach the Great Hall. Probably something stupid. My recklessness is showing itself as it always does… wait! I stop in my tracks. Reckless? My muddled mind faintly tells me there's something I'm missing. Something I should remember…
"Reckless," I whisper as the running group behind me catches up.
"That you are mate," Phillip agrees, currently gasping for air.
"Bloody hell, James," The whole group turns, surprised, at Meredith. She isn't one to curse without reason. "James, everyoneknows how reckless you are." Her statement didn't seem to do her curse justice, so my mind starts working extra hard. I'm missing something obvious.
"That's hardly a reason for people to believe Julia," defended Roger. He, Phillip, the Scamanders, and Fred look to be hopelessly clueless.
Mer's eyes meet mine and she says, as if to reiterate the same point, "Everyone knows how 'lucky' you are."
"James," Al began. "You remember what Dad said about Felix Felicis right?" My mind, slowly regaining steady thought races through any memory about what my Dad would have told us. Finally, after a moment, the full force of what Meredith just said hits me… hard. Bewildered, I step backward and lean on the stone wall of the corridor.
Rose apprehensively vocalizes the words that Meredith, herself, Al, and I are all trying to avoid. "Recklessness is a side-effect of prolonged use of Felix Felicis."
Did I say I couldn't hate her? I've changed my mind.