It's been a week since Meredith and I had our row. It would be great to be able to say that everything is fine; that everything worked out and Meredith ditched Travis Bloody Corner and ran off with me into the happiest time of our lives.

But that would be lying.

Meredith is a mess. I can tell even though she has hardly spoken to me since that day. She doesn't sit with us anymore at meals. She's clinging to that tosser of a boyfriend for dear life. She glares at me any time we make eye-contact.

I can't stay away from her, though. I can't seem to let it go. I've even found the best spot to sit to see her sitting with Corner at the Ravenclaw table. I don't know why, but Ravenclaws sit in the same places every day at every meal.

I haven't been able to do any school work. My mind has been working on overdrive, but it's been solely focused on Meredith. I keep trying to work, but nothing ever comes of it. Fred has given up on trying to study Transfiguration with me. I also have detention for the next two weeks because I haven't turned in any completed work.

Quidditch has been… interesting. Meredith listens more than she speaks, but that's not saying much. She has been mostly keeping to herself, but her performance is suffering. If the first game wasn't so close, I would seriously consider looking to replace her.

She's really distracted, obviously, and the fact that Travis Bloody Corner sits in the stands during practice doesn't help matters either. He's not on the Ravenclaw house team, so I have no authority to make him leave. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stand him glaring at me as I'm working with the team.

Our first match is next Saturday and we're looking to get our faces kicked in by Hufflepuffs. I'll never live it down if I let that happen.

Today's practice is just like the rest from the past four practices, except today, Corner isn't here. Phillip, Roger, and Fred start doing drills with the Quaffle and the twins fly off for Beater drills. I release the practice Snitch for Meredith, but she isn't paying attention. After a couple of minutes, I look around for Mer. She's hovering over the pitch, looking over the stands, mind clearly elsewhere.

"Fred, take over for now," I yell. Fred nods in acknowledgement and I fly over to Meredith.

As I approach, she tries to make it look like she's been searching. "Meredith," I say, and she looks up at me slowly. I can see the tear tracks dried on her face and I feel my stomach lurch. "Meredith, what's going on?"

"I'm really sorry, James. I… I… well," she fights to compose herself, "I'm just not very focused right now."

"I can see that." Mer is usually very professional on the pitch. "What's distracting you?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Is this about Corner?" Her eyes flick up to me showing me a glare that has been all too common lately. I feel the frustration building inside of me and before I even think about how she will react, I say forcefully, "Meredith, I'm sorry, but if you can't get focused I'm going to have to replace you. You know I tell everyone on the team do that personal matters stay off the pitch, and I expect that from you, too!"

I see new tears well in Meredith's eyes and she looks away from me quickly. "Yes,Captain," she hisses. "I'll be sure to do just that." Meredith speeds off before I can get my apology fully formed in my mouth.

I'm an idiot.

I know it.

I show it every day. Constantly.

I don't know what I have to do to teach myself to actually think about what I'm going to say before it comes out of my mouth.

I feel fresh guilt already eating away at me. Whatever Meredith is upset about, I definitely just made it worse. I really hope she won't hold the fact that I'm an insensitive prick (sometimes) against me.

Meredith improved somewhat for the rest of the practice, thankfully, and managed to catch the Snitch before practice was over. She hasn't been able to do that in a week.

After practice, I take a long shower to try to clear my mind. Meredith has been distracted this week, but today was the worst day so far. I step out of the shower and towel myself dry, paying special attention to my untidy hair to make it even more tousled. After changing into a pair of jeans and a vintage Weird Sisters t-shirt, I start to head back to the castle.

As I'm walking down the Charms corridor, I hear stifled sobs coming from Chang's classroom at the end of the hall. The sobs are quiet, but in the empty corridor, they seem to echo loud enough for everyone in the Great Hall to hear. I increase my pace, reaching out for the doorknob before I stop, drawing my arm back to my side. Do I really want to get involved in whatever mess is behind this door? I have enough of my own problems.

As I stand at the door of the classroom, the sobs stop suddenly. Whoever is in the room knows there's someone at the door.

Hopefully I don't get a book thrown at my head.

I carefully open the door and stick my head in. "Hello?"

My eyes scan the room and settle on the lone figure at an empty desk. The image gives me a pang of guilt and the longer I stare, the worse I feel. There, sitting at that empty desk, sat my beautiful Meredith Elaine. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy and her face is red and blotchy and her mascara has run, but she's still beautiful.

Meredith had looked up when I opened the door, and we both freeze for a moment, staring at each other. New tears brim in her eyes and she stands up abruptly and shoves past me into the hall.

I have to say something. If I don't, I know I'm going to regret it. "Meredith, wait!" I shout after her.

Meredith turns around, already halfway down the hall. "What, James?" she asks miserably. "Have you already found my replacement, too?"

Tears spill down her still-wet cheeks as our eyes meet. A lump forms in my throat. "I'm sorry, Meredith," is all I can manage. I hope she knows it's for more than just what happened earlier. I want to tell her that; to open up and make her know exactly what I feel.

Meredith closes her eyes and turns back down the hall. "Thanks, James," she says softly. Mer shuffles slowly back toward Gryffindor Tower and I stare after her. It's all I can do. I'm ready to spill my heart out to her, but I don't think she can take it right now. I have to tell her how I feel. I need her to realize that Corner doesn't, and never did, deserve her.

I can't do it now, though. I can just tell by the way she's walking she needs to be alone. I've been in that place. I've been in that place for a week.

I stuff my hands into the pockets of my jeans and start heading in the opposite direction from where Meredith headed. I go toward the Great Hall slowly thinking over what's been going on in my head all week. I've been struggling with the question of how exactly I feel about Meredith. I told myself that I love her… and that was while she was screaming at me. I haven't been able to shake that thought.

I know I fancy Meredith more than I ever thought I could fancy a girl. Just thinking about her drives me crazy and hearing her voice increases my pulse and makes my stomach flip. I feel so cliché about the whole scenario. I think about Dad's description of his parent's story. 'Cheesy Muggle film script' sums it up fairly well. I always thought it was weak to feel anything like this. I thought that it would make me into the kind of sad chump that couldn't function without their 'better half' around.

I've seen those guys. I don't want to be that guy.

But that's not how I feel about Meredith. I had said I'd loved Julia, but I know now that I didn't. I didn't even honestly think we would be together after we graduated. I just thought it was something that you said after you have been dating for a while. Going off of feelings is such a foreign concept… it honestly scares me. Love is not something to be taken lightly.

So why did I say that I love Meredith? Ever since then, I've been struggling to try to reason through all the possibilities and find a solution with strategy. Pretty much, I've been treating this as if it were a Quidditch play. Unfortunately, I haven't had much luck with that. Love feels more like Gobstones: even if you get everything all lined up perfectly, someone can come in and screw everything up and make your planning blow up in your face anyway.

My thoughts keep me busy all the way to the Great Hall. I enter the Hall, slowly and make my way over to where my mates are all sitting. Reid's been sitting with us since we had our very awkward conversation. I invited him the next day to join us and I was surprised he accepted. The rest of the guys seemed a little wary, until he started quoting stats from the 2002 Quidditch World Cup. After that, it was a matter of who could get their question through to him first. He has been able to accurately list every current player and their statistics in the British League. I don't know where he keeps all that information when his head is all full of school. He doesn't know as much as I do, but I'm not taking eight N.E.W.T. classes.

I sit down across from Fred and between Reid and Roger. Phillip is sitting a little further down the table, oddly enough, and seems to be chatting some sixth year girl up. I don't think too much about it. I must have some sort of depressing air about me, because my three roommates immediately look my way, concerned.

Roger is the first to speak up, probably because he's the one clueless about my situation. "Mate, is everything alright? Why do you look like someone told you that Quidditch is cancelled for the rest of your life?" I give a smile that probably looks more like a grimace, but I don't say anything.

Reid leans over and asks me quietly, "This about Meredith?" I nod my head slowly. I look over at Fred and I know he knows, too. I've known he's probably known about how I feel about Meredith for some time, but I know for sure, now. That look on his face tells it all.

"Roger! Come over here!" Phillip is gesturing ridiculously from his place down the table. "There's someone you've got to meet, mate."

Roger ducks his head for a moment and his curly hair falls slightly in his face. "If he's trying to set me up with some bimbo, again, I swear…" Roger stands up and makes his way down the table with a forced smile on his face.

As soon as Roger leaves, Fred leans over the table. "What did you say to Meredith, James?"

I gulp down a bite of my potatoes roughly, mouth suddenly dry. "When?"

"At practice. Blow your chance, again?"

"Chance for what?" I don't know what use playing dumb will do, but it seems to come naturally.

Figures. I'm an idiot.

"Whatever, mate," Fred says, leaning back to focus on his own food. "Just let me know when I need to be ready to be best man at the wedding."

I subtly flick the food on my fork at his laughing face. "Bugger off." He dodges the pot roast easily and throws a pea at me. It misses me and hits Reid. There's a reason he's a Keeper and not a Chaser.

"Aw… don't want me in the wedding party? I'm sure it wouldn't be too much to ask to name one of your children after me at least."

"Shove it, Fred, or I'll tell everyone about-" the death glare Fred shoots me immediately silences me. Fred is not messing around anymore. A change in demeanor that fast from him means 'shut up right now or you will be hanging from the ceiling with a banana for a nose.'

Reid glances curiously between the two of us before saying, "I'm going to head to the library. I'll see you guys later." He stands up and steps over the bench seat, giving us a final wave as he leaves.

Roger and Phillip return, both looking mightily pleased with themselves. I shift the little food on my plate around. I've been doing that a lot recently, but I just don't feel very hungry anymore. I haven't felt much of anything except frustration, depression, and concern, most of these related to Meredith and the rest is school and Quidditch. The guys don't say anything about it. I'm not feeling in the mood for anything, not even a prank.

The meal is over and everyone is slowly leaving the tables and heading back to their respective common rooms. I follow everyone and shuffle through the huge double doors and into the main hallway, up the Grand Staircase, and to the Fat Lady's portrait. It's a good thing someone who has more of a brain than I currently do is at the front of the pack of Gryffindors.

Hardly registering what's going on around me, I climb the stairs to the boy's dorms, open the seventh year boy's door, climb into my large four-poster bed fully clothed, draw the curtains around me, and fall into a fitful sleep.

When I wake up, it's still dark outside. Since I went to sleep at around 8:00 I'm not surprised that I'm up early. I check my watch: 5:34 am. Nobody's going to be up for another couple hours. It is a Saturday after all. At this time of the morning, there's only one thing I can do. Without hesitation, I change out of my clothes from yesterday into a t-shirt and shorts, pull my trainers on my feet and a hooded sweatshirt over my head, and go down the stairs as quietly as possible. I climb through the portrait hole and head towards the Quidditch pitch. As I approach, I see the first inkling of morning on the horizon.

The early November air is brisk, but it's the perfect temperature for taking a jog. I start off around the pitch, savoring the physical activity. I focus on breathing. I clear my mind of everything that I woke up with. I pick up my pace and divert from the pitch toward my favorite trail that I enjoy following through the Forbidden Forest. Life is so simple when I run. My thoughts aren't jumbled. I don't have any thoughts at all. The only thing that matters is me and the path.

Four miles later, the trail leads over to Greenhouse 5 and then back to the castle. My feet guide me on my path automatically. I've run this route so many times and the familiarity is relaxing. As it had been in my recent experience with Officer Nott, when I slow down to catch my breath near the entranceway, my thoughts come rushing back. Even though this may seem like a tiresome process, the time of thoughtless bliss from running helps me sort these thoughts and gives me patience to do it calmly. I sit down on the grass right outside the main entrance to the school and let the thoughts come.

First comes Julia. It's been over two months since I broke up with her and I haven't heard much from her since. Playing four guys at once gave her a reputation worse than Patricia Wong, but, as she did say to me in the common room, I've stopped overhearing conversations about her. All I can feel for Julia now is pity.

Next comes Quidditch. This season is going pretty well. My team is working harder than ever, except for Meredith. She's an incredible Seeker. She proved herself time and again last year… If I could somehow get her to ditch Corner, Gryffindor will win the Quidditch Cup undefeated.

That all leads to the thought that has been taking up the most of my time: Meredith.

If she only knew how I feel about her; if I only knew what I could do to make everything better. The way Travis Bloody Corner is messing her around is infuriating. Why would someone cheat on their girlfriend just because they can? The idea of it baffles me. Even if girls were literally throwing themselves at me (and I've been near enough to that kind of situation), I would never find it acceptable to cheat.

Meredith is so perfect. Her long brown hair and dark blue eyes are stunning. The way she walks and talks and smiles all make everyone else seem dull. And her laugh… oh, her laugh! I've missed it. She hasn't laughed since our row. The aura she emits whenever her beautiful laugh rings out draws me in every time.

I take my time going back to my dormitory to change. My watch says it's already 7:10, so I know I'll probably end up running into someone on the way up. As I turn a corner, I run into someone coming around in the other direction. She hits my chest and her figure falls back and tumbles to the floor. Before she even looks up, I know who it is. The frame and the hair fit perfectly to the person I have been wondering about during the morning.

"Meredith! I'm so sorry," I say and help her get up. Her eyes are still red and puffy. It looks like she's been crying since I last saw her.

"Thanks, James," is all she says and starts hurrying down the corridor once more. I have to know what's wrong. The unsettled feeling I would get of not knowing what is killing her will drive me nuts, otherwise.

"Wait!" I cry after her and race down the hall to where she stands. Meredith seems to debate momentarily whether to run or to turn to me, but the latter won out. I can see the pain in her eyes as she looks at me and I have to ask, "What's going on, Mer?"

Meredith takes a couple of big breaths before she manages to say, "You were right, James." I was hoping that she wasn't going to say something like that. "You were right, about T-t-travis." Her composure breaks and she turns away from me again.

"I'm so sorry, Mer," I say soothingly. I walk over to her and try to put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

"Don't, James," she manages, lurching away from my gesture. "I don't deserve for anyone to touch me right now."

I am utterly shocked at the words that have just come out of her mouth. The load of crap she just spewed echoes in my mind. Is she blind? "Bloody hell, Meredith! Why in Merlin's name would you ever think that?"

"You were right, James," she says again between sobs. "Travis cheated on me… with Natalia Richman." The name rings a distant bell (Hufflepuff, maybe?), but Meredith continues before I can place it. "I caught him the day before yesterday. I… I broke up with him." Her body shudders and she reaches out for the wall to support her. She has more to say, but I don't think she can at this point.

I force her into a tight hug and after struggling only momentarily, she allows me to comfort her. I pull my arms tighter around her as she sobs into my jumper and my heart breaks. Watching the girl I love (… fancy? … love…? I don't know anymore) cry over someone so unworthy of her tears pains me more than anything I've ever experienced. More than Julia cheating; more than the ban; more than that time I jumped into the lake in the middle of January…

Unable to hold herself up, Meredith leans heavily on me, momentarily causing me to wobble. I don't know what more to do other than just keep rubbing her back whispering soothing words to her. We can't just stand out here for the rest of the morning… I don't think Meredith can handle all the attention crying will bring her. Some people can't keep their thoughts to themselves.

With no struggle at all, I put one arm around Mer's back, the other under the crook of her legs and I lift her. She's taken by surprise at first, but continues crying into my chest. I know she's hurting, and I will do anything to help her.

I try to think of a good place to take her. Her room would make the most sense, but I can't get up there (and I don't want to ride the Slide of Shame like I did in third year). We couldn't stay in the common room, and my room is probably the worst place for her in this condition. I stand there, on the second floor of the castle with Meredith in my arms, and I finally know where to take her. Heading back in the direction I was coming, I lead her to my sanctuary.

I suddenly become aware that I am still soaked in sweat and I probably smell terrible and now my jumper is soaked in tears. I hope she doesn't mind… but then, it's likely not high on her list of problems right now. When I find the clearing I sit under the same tree I sit under every time I come here and Meredith clings to me and keeps crying.

An hour and a half later, Meredith and I are still sitting in the clearing. She has stopped crying, but she's still sniffing and having an occasional shuddering sob.

Meredith pushes away from me gently and leans up against the tree behind her. I still don't really know what to say. I don't think she wants me to ask if I should kick Corner's arse (even though I'm going to do that anyway). I want to say something. I'm starting to feel like I'm about to blow it.

I grab her hand and she slowly looks up at me. "Mer, how are you doing?" What a stupid question! I can't believe I just said that.

She must know that I know that it was a stupid question because she gives me a half-smile of sorts and stays silent. At least I can make her smile. That one smile makes my brain go fuzzy. This feeling is becoming very normal for me. I can't think straight whenever she's around. Her smell, her smiles, her laughs, her sobs; they're all beautiful. She is perfect in my eyes.

The morning light is filtering through the canopy and shines across her face and she closes her eyes against the sun. The picture is stunning. Her hand is still in mine, clinging tightly to it. I lean forward and before my mind can scream at me and tell me I'm an idiot, I lift her face up and place my lips gently on hers.

The first moment is incredible. I've imagined how it would feel to kiss Meredith, but my dreams don't hold a candle to the real thing.

The moment doesn't last. It's over in less than a second. Meredith has pulled back and is scrambling away from me, eyes wide.

"I can't, James," Meredith cries, almost frightened. Tears are in her eyes again. "I can't," she repeats softly and stands up and runs swiftly out of the clearing, out of sight through the dense foliage, and back to the castle leaving me behind.

Just a few minutes ago I was the one comforting her. Now, I'm the cause of her running once more.

What have I done?