Author's Note:
Claire: She acts all brave and is like 'FINE, we're posting the chapter NOW' and then she says 'you go first'…
All I'm going to say here is: WE'RE SORRY IF THERE ARE ANY INCONSISTENCIES BETWEEN THIS CHAPTER AND THE NEXT ONES. WE'LL TRY TO FIX THEM AND WE'LL SAY SOMETHING IF WE DO.
-Scurries away in fear-
Leah: Guess what today is?! Druggie day! Hug a druggie!
-ahem- Okay, so, here is a chapter that took wayyyyyy too long to get out but whatever! It's here now! –dances poorly-
I'm sure you really don't care about why we haven't updated but I'm going to tell you anyways!
We're lazy and school sucks! Also my mother is a bitch, and my laptop broke (twice) and is now fixed, we've been getting ready for Fanime (look out for me, I'm the girliest Allen Walker evar!), lots of tests, etc. etc. etc.
SUMMARY OF THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER:
Eva wakes up at the hideout and is bored, so she explores and finds fuzzy pink handcuffs.
Charli tries to cope with the Konoha people and tells Jason the Akatsuki were a biker gang.
Tobi reveals the existence of the pink handcuffs because he was eavesdropping. Everyone is trying to figure out who they belong to so Pein gets mad, orders Tobi to make them shut up, and for some reason he puts them on Eva and Kisame.
Rachel denies Jason sex until after the wedding :)
Suigetsu finds Leah's note
Chapter 13:
Hidan kissed Claire. It had been an accident. A complete and total accident. But it had happened, and it had been Hidan's fault. If only he hadn't woken up three hours earlier than usual; if only he hadn't done just one ritual before wanting to do something else; if only he had spent more time going though the closet in search of better entertainment; if only he hadn't gotten so bored he had organized said closet; if only that hadn't reminded him of a certain redhead's compulsive (and apparently contagious) need to organize and clean everything.
If only that hadn't prompted him to have the thought to go wake her up….
He leaned over the couch, one hand on the back cushions to support his weight. Carefully, he positioned his face directly above hers so she would be able to appreciate the full force of his yell to get the fuck up. But he leaned a little too far and triggered an unfortunate chain of events: his hand slipped, causing him to hit his chest hard against the stiff backing of the couch, head following suit. His momentum finally came to a halt by the contact of his mouth and hers.
So Hidan kissed Claire.
It took him nearly two seconds to realize what had happened. Panicked, he quickly jerked his head and drew his lips into a straight line, as if in an attempt to hide the evidence. Claire stared at him, as awake as anyone could possibly be. Hidan stared back uncomfortably. They stared at each other for a good ten seconds, trying to comprehend the event.
Claire was too angry to be upset. She was just as shocked as Hidan, if not more so, being the victim.
Claire was the first to talk. "Okay, I'm just going to skip the 'what the fuck', just for the sake of…I don't know…but I'm just going to skip it…."
Hidan nodded slowly. "Okay…" He sighed and straightened up, rubbing the back of his neck.
She shook her head violently. "Wait, no, never mind. What the fuck?!" She propped herself on her elbows and glared at the overly religious freak.
"I was fucking bored and I did a bunch of stuff but it was like three in the morning and fucking everything and—" he babbled, most of it being incoherent since he was talking like a distressed teenage preppy girl.
"Okay never mind! Ah, fuck, I don't want to know. Just go stab yourself or whatever it is you do." Claire pulled the blanket over her head.
"Okay."
"This never happened," she added for good measure.
"Yeah," he muttered as he head back towards his room, waving a hand distractedly. "I have to…go check something…"
Claire rubbed her hand viciously against her mouth before stuffing her head under the pillow and trying to go back to sleep, ignoring the violent pounding in her chest and the blush heating her face.
Xxx
The previous night…
It was official, Kisame hated Tobi. For several hours, Kisame and Eva had been desperately trying to free themselves from the perverted fuzzy pink thing that connected them against their will.
They had tried to saw it apart. That didn't work. They had tried to melt the chain, but they had burnt their hands without even singeing the metal. Kisame had even tried to use his oversized toilet paper-clad sword to sever the chain, but due to the odd angle and the small distance between each cuff, that had also failed miserably. They couldn't find another sword that might fill the criteria either. They had asked the others for help, but no one knew what they could do, and in any case it was more fun to laugh. As annoying as it was, Eva and Kisame both knew if the situation was reversed they'd be equally unsympathetic, so they didn't hold it against their companions.
Kisame sighed as he dragged Eva into his bedroom by the wrist. They didn't really have a choice but to share. Eva was personally fine with this…not that she was going to admit it.
"So how's this going to work?" she asked slowly, staring at Kisame's unmade twin sized bed that barely looked big enough to accommodate Kisame himself.
Kisame puffed his cheeks and let the air out slowly, looking to the walls as if they would tell him the answers. He was tired and didn't feel like being a smartass at the moment, so he answered seriously. "I think we should set up a bed right next to mine and we could just sleep with our arms hanging across."
Eva nodded slowly. "That sounds like it could work. Do we have an extra bed though?"
Kisame frowned, remembering that Leah had the spare bedroom Claire was sleeping on the couch due to that same problem. "No…"
"Do you think we could get Deidara to share his bed with Leah so we can have hers?"
Kisame laughed. "We could convince Deidara no problem, but Leah's a different story."
"True…" Eva added unhelpfully.
"We could wait 'til she's asleep. She won't notice if I picked her up and gave her to Deidara since she sleeps like a hibernating bear," he suggested, actually looking serious.
Damn, she had actually kind of been hoping to share a bed with Kisame. "Deidara would molest her though," she pointed out.
"Do you really care?"
Eva paused. "Leah—"
"Even if he did molest her, though he probably won't, do you think Leah would be able to be mad for long? Or even notice? The answer is no. Let's go talk to Deidara." Having made the decision without much of Eva's input he led her out of his bedroom.
Eva really hated that Kisame walked so damn ninja-fast; she had to jog a little every few steps just to keep up with him. The bright side was that she was getting a bit of exercise, which would usually be good but was unwelcome at the moment due to the time of day...and she was lazy.
The door to Deidara's room was shut but light shined through between the cold stone floor and the bottom of the wooden plank. Kisame knocked. "Deidara, open up."
"I'm busy, un!" he replied, sounding frustrated.
"I need your help with something." Kisame said. He tried to open the door but it was locked.
They heard Deidara sigh. "I already explained that if I blow up the chain your hands are coming off with it. If you'd both like to be minus one hand, then—"
"It's not that you blonde retard! Stop masturbating or whatever it is you're doing and open the damn door!" Kisame demanded. Eva snorted at his having said 'masturbating'. The blue man gave her an odd look but sensibly decided not to comment.
Deidara grumbled to himself audibly. He unlocked the door and opened it not quite wide enough to let them in, but plenty wide to glare at them. "I was working on my new bird design for your information, un."
Kisame didn't waste time arguing with the crazy blonde terrorist. "Whatever. We have a deal for you."
Deidara leaned against the doorframe and stared the pair with one light blue eye. "Go on."
Kisame coughed into his free fist awkwardly, trying to think of how to explain the situation without phrasing it in a way that the two adjacent idiots would interpret as perverted. "We're having trouble with sleeping arrangements…"
"That's nice, un."
"Our possible solution might benefit you…"
Eva tapped her foot impatiently, wondering why Kisame wasn't getting straight to the point. She was really tired from trying to keep up with him, and just wanted to sleep. Her agitation was increased by Kisame's gestures that were meant to help illustrate his point to Deidara, but were only succeeding in jerking her arm around like a limp strand of rope.
"So basically Deidara, we need you to—" Kisame began to conclude.
"Basically, Deidara, we need you to sleep with Leah." Eva finished sharply.
Both Akatsuki members stared at her, Kisame giving her a classic look of horrification while Deidara's face was utterly unreadable.
She blinked up at Deidara, his reaction being the more unprecedented. She laughed nervously. "It's nothing too serious, it's just until Kisame and I get these handcuffs off! I'm sure Leah will be fine with it!" Eva defended.
Kisame dragged his hand down his face in exasperation. How he had managed to underestimate Eva's stupidity was beyond him…his expectations were already pathetically low. Deidara finally smiled and abruptly hung his head, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter.
"Wait what's so funny? All I asked you to do was—oh! God I'm slow today. Heh heh." She laughed nervously again.
Kisame sighed, shaking his head. "Eva, you shouldn't be allowed to talk. Ever. In fact, since I'm going to be chained to you for a while, let's make that a rule." He paused. "As I was saying before the idiot interrupted me, with our situation it'd be easiest and most comfortable to have an extra bed. Leah's bed is the only extra one, but she needs it. So it would be cool if you guys could share a bed for a couple days."
Surprisingly, Deidara was a little reluctant on the offer. "Why don't you two just share a bed?"
"No." Kisame replied flatly. Eva felt insulted.
Deidara clicked his tongue and wiped some of the ink on his hands on his pajama pants absently. Apparently he was too lost in thought to care about the odd stains they were leaving. Or maybe he actually just didn't care. "Do you honestly think Leah would agree?"
"Do you honestly think Leah is strong-willed enough to disagree?" Kisame scoffed. Before Deidara could say anything else, Kisame declared that they were going to go get Leah, pulling Eva down the hall once again and leaving it up to the slightly confused Deidara to follow.
As predicted, it didn't take long to convince Leah to let them use her bed. She felt bad for both of them and couldn't bring herself to say no. even though the sleeping arrangements that would follow because of her accommodating nature would be incredibly uncomfortable.
"Can't I sleep on the couch Eva slept on last night?" she half-whined to Deidara after they had moved the bed into Kisame's room. Fortunately the beds were the same height, so they beds could be put together and neither of them would have to put their arm at an awkward angle. With a bed's-worth of space each, they'd be able together without it seeming that the other one was ever there…probably.
"You could if Hidan and Kakuzu hadn't snapped it in half…" Kisame reminded her. Hidan had been being himself, which, naturally pissed Kakuzu off. While this wasn't something abnormal, it had resulted in the death of an innocent couch again.
"Right…" Leah said slowly, remembering.
Deidara announced that he was tired, so he was going to go to bed. "Come on, Leah," he commanded.
Leah whimpered unhappily but followed Deidara out of the room.
Kisame yawned that they should probably go to sleep too, and Eva agreed silently. They struggled a little bit trying to get on the beds, but managed after a few minutes without injuring themselves too much. Kisame turned off the light switch next to his bed once both of them were under their separate blankets.
Kisame bid Eva good night. She rolled on her side so she was facing Kisame since that was the only way she could turn without pulling on the chain. "Hey, Kisame?"
"Hmm?"
"You think Leah will be okay?"
"She'll be fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
All was quiet. Eva listened hard for anything other than their breathing. She heard a loud moaning noise that seemed to come from nothing but the hideout itself. She was a little freaked out until she remembered most buildings did that. She briefly wondered why, but thinking made her head hurt so she stopped. "Hey, Kisame?"
He grumbled. "What?"
"Whose handcuffs do you think these are?"
"Ours. Go to sleep."
It wasn't long before Eva began talking again. She asked if Konan and Pein had any 'relations'. Kisame said he didn't know. She asked him why buildings made weird noises sometimes. He said he didn't know. She asked him what dog food tasted like. He didn't know. The she asked him what fish food tasted like, what religion he practiced, why he was blue, what music he liked, if he thought Hidan and Claire secretly loved each other. To each question, Kisame said he did not know. She asked if he thought if Leah was being molested by Deidara at that very moment…He said probably. Then he told her to shut up or he'd kill her. She didn't say another word, even when she remembered more questions to ask him, like if he felt like a cannibal when he ate fish. She resolved to interrogate him in the morning.
Xxx
Leah relaxed a tiny bit after about twenty minutes, though she was still practically hanging off the bed in an effort to be as far from him as possible. But now that she had relaxed enough, she was thinking, so she remembered something.
"Deidara, something's been bugging me…" she muttered, still staring at the ceiling.
Deidara lifted his head off his pillow slightly and turned it so he could see her. "Un?"
"Why did you have ink all over your pants…?"
The blonde slowly dropped back down to the pillow, feeling slightly disappointed for some reason he didn't know. Then he flipped up the sheet and stared down at his legs. His gray pants had splotches of black ink all over them. "Dammit…" he grumbled. "When Kisame knocked on the door I was doing a design and I accidentally squeezed too hard and my pen exploded," he explained irritably.
"…Were you writing with your legs…?"
"What the hell? No! I wiped my hands on my pants…"
"Okay." Half an hour of silence passed. Leah slowly inched herself on to the bed. Being only partially on it was really uncomfortable, and she was still pretty far away from Deidara. "Are you asleep yet?"
Deidara sighed and shifted a little. "Go to sleep Leah, I'm not gonna do anything."
"Ehh…I don't care…I'm not going to sleep."
"If you don't go to sleep, you'll be tired and an easier target for me."
"But…"
The artist sat up, looking tired and exasperated. "Think of it this way: If I do decide to do something, do you really think you'd be able to stop me?"
"Ehh-hehhhh," Leah cried pitifully.
Deidara took that as some sort of resignation, and, figuring his job was done, lay down one last time. Once he was snuggled up under his covers again, he grabbed the back of Leah's shirt and jerked her over so she was only a foot away from him, but at least two away from the side. "And don't sleep there, you'll fall off."
Leah spent the rest of the night completely still.
Xxx
Current time…
"Kisame? Eva?" Konan's voice called gently. It was around noon when Pein had mandated it was time that they got their asses out of bed. She stepped into the room completely and closed the door behind her. Neither Kisame nor Eva stirred in the slightest.
"Aw…that's cute." Konan smiled. She stared at them for a few more seconds before deciding to share the cuteness with everyone else. In a way it was also revenge for both of them claiming that she and Pein were having some sort of sexual relations.
A few minutes later she returned with Deidara, Tobi, Leah, and Claire. The others had offered their various excuses; that they were sleeping, working, etc. Konan randomly noticed Claire was avoiding Hidan like he had a flesh-eating virus that he had contracted by having sex with a rabid unicorn on steroids, and decided she would look into that later.
Tobi clasped his hands together with delight when he saw the handcuffed pair. "Aw, you're right Konan! They look adorable!" he said with almost sadistic happiness.
Over the night Kisame had migrated onto Eva's bed since the gap was only big enough for Eva not to be able to roll over and fall through. Kisame, being a naturally large person, was able to cross it while staying at the same altitude. Eva's forehead was resting against Kisame's chest and their arms tangled with each other between them, Kisame's big hands covering one of hers in an almost protective manner.
"Hey Kisame! Eva! Wake up, un!" Deidara called from the doorway where he was still standing. Leah laughed, imagining their reactions when they realized how they had been sleeping. She pictured both of them freaking out and falling off the bed. Or even better, just one of them falling off the bed and dragging the other down with them.
Kisame opened his eyes groggily and was met with a mass of blue and blonde hair. He shut his eyes tight and blinked a few times, trying to get used to the light in his room. Then he noticed the people standing in the doorway and Tobi running around pretending to take pictures of them.
Eva blinked her eyes open and didn't recognize where she was. All she saw was a big man next to her and she felt her hand being held a bit too tightly to be comfortable. Then she screamed and pushed at Kisame in fright. As a result, Kisame yelled as well and sat up quickly, both of them trying to get away from each other. They kicked the blankets and knocked pillows off the beds in their futile attempt to put some distance between them.
As Leah had secretly hoped, they both ended up falling off the bed. The onlookers laughed at the handcuffed pair.
"Nice…" Claire said as she watched the two try to stand up. They failed and ended up on the floor again. Lack of cooperation hadn't worked yesterday and it sure as hell wasn't working for now.
The other Akatsuki members, having heard all the commotion echoing throughout the hideout, had eventually vetoed their previous decisions not to get involved and had gathered around the doorway as well. The only exception was Hidan, who was reading his weird religious books and couldn't be disturbed even if Itachi had set his hair on fire.
"Kisame, what are you doing?" Zetsu asked. "It looks like pedophilia from this angle," he added.
Kisame managed to maneuver himself into a kneeling position. He glared at the blank-faced and innocent Zetsu. "Not cool," Kisame said, though he was too tired to actually argue with the plant man. He helped Eva to her knees as well. Once they were both kneeling they got to their feet without much difficulty. Eva was struck by a small sense of accomplishment while Kisame was hit by a fresh wave of shame at being stuck to a teenager more than ten years his junior.
Tobi, meanwhile, had begun retelling the tale of how Kisame and Eva were sleeping in the same bed and 'cuddling' and 'holding hands'. Kisame vowed to start writing down his reasons to kill the masked orange bastard instead.
Before he could act on this thought or even skip a step and get straight to homicide, Hidan rushed down the hall with a look of utter horror marring his pretty face. Under his arm he carried his gargantuan bible, one of his fingers jammed between the pages as a place marker. "Claire! I—"
"Ah great, everybody's here." Pein emerged out of nowhere, having been smart enough to wait for everyone to gather in the same location instead of going through the trouble of rounding them up. "You are all going on missions."
"What?!" Hidan yelled, still in a panic. "No, I thought you said we had until fucking New Years off! It's the twenty-fucking-sixth! We have—"
"Well, since you've all been getting rather disobedient and irritating lately I figured you were in need of some discipline. Happy belated Christmas." Pein said. He took pulled a few tan sheets of paper out from his cloak and handed one to Deidara, one to Kakuzu, and one to Itachi. "You're going with your teams and one of the girls. The missions are to be completed before New Years. Understood?"
"What?!" Hidan yelled again. "Why the hell are we bringing those idiots?"
"Yeah Leader, the girls might get hurt." Tobi said worriedly.
Itachi raised an eyebrow slightly as he read the mission. "They will just hold us back."
"Yeah, no offense to any of you—not that there's anyway you could deny this—but you'd all be more of a hindrance than a help," Kisame stated blankly.
"Well, you for one don't have a choice in the matter," Konan pointed out. She pointed to the fuzzy pink handcuffs that attached Kisame to Eva. Kisame tugged the chain half-heartedly and sighed in defeat.
"I'm personally in agreement with everyone else…You seriously want the three of us to go on dangerous missions with the members of one of the strongest organizations of this world? You do remembered that we're non-ninja weaklings who sit around computers all day, right?" Claire asked incredulously.
"Yes, I want you three to go on the missions," Pein affirmed, more or less ignoring Claire's excellent points about their non-qualifications.
"We're going to die," Leah whimpered. She looked at Leader with unintentional puppy dog eyes.
Leader ignored her look but not the comment. "I'm paying these guys extra to try to keep you from getting violently murdered. But there's no guarantees," he said honestly.
"That's reassuring." Eva muttered, even though she knew she was probably the safest of the group since if she died it was likely Kisame was going down with her, and it didn't seem like he would allow that.
Pein turned around as if to walk out of the room, but paused halfway to the door. "Read over the missions, and if you have any questions, ask Zetsu. Good luck."
For the next couple of minutes they stood there, each team huddling over their papers. Leah and Claire stood with Zetsu and Konan since neither of them wanted to claim a team to go with, though they pretty much knew who they'd be forced to accompany in the end.
Deidara flipped over the paper to make sure there wasn't a backside to it and then pointed at Leah with his eyes still on the mission sheet. "Definitely taking Leah, un," he said definitively and motioned for her to come read the sheet.
She did as ordered and read over the details of the mission, frowning in horror as she reached the end. "No way," she said.
"Yes way, un. Go pack some stuff and meet Tobi and me outside. Tobi, pack some things for yourself and me while I get the bird ready," Deidara ordered.
Tobi saluted him. "Yes sir Deidara-senpai!" On his way out of the room he also urged Leah to gather her things. Konan offered her an authoritarian look, and Leah was forced to comply.
Claire had attempted t hide herself behind Konan and Zetsu while pointedly analyzing the texture on the wall. These efforts were as pointless as she had known they would be, and Kakuzu called her over to review their mission. Kakuzu was actually grateful in the smallest way that she would be coming, considering he would be getting extra pay and she and Hidan would keep each other occupied and out of his hair.
Kakuzu handed her the sheet. "It shouldn't be too bad. Just collecting some money from some guy named Daichi Nishimura in Kusagakure…"
Hidan leaned over to Claire and whispered. "Money collecting gets pretty violent with Kakuzu…"
Claire scoffed, attempting to ignore the rush of embarrassment she felt at having been acknowledged by him. Hidan seemed to have forgotten anyway, the man whore, so she figured she could just respond normally. "I think between the two of you, making pudding could get violent."
"What kind?"
"…Tapioca."
"Very violent," Hidan said. He stretched his arms behind his head and said that he had to pack. Kakuzu gave Claire a time limit to meet him outside the hideout. Claire grumbled, knowing well that she was going to over pack, and headed to Leah's room where she had stored her things.
Itachi just stared at Kisame and Eva, his genius brain obviously working very hard to find a way to get out of this.
"Itachi, you have to take them," Zetsu said, smiling a little at the Uchiha's misfortune.
Itachi kept staring at the handcuffed pair with menacing eyes. "Don't screw up," he said, vanishing from the room with a dramatic swish of his cloak.
Having overseen the initiation of each mission, Konan and Zetsu left the room as well. Though they knew one of Pein's goals for ridding the hideout of idiots had been his own peace of mind, he had also expressed a desire to discuss something with them. What, exactly, he hadn't said. But they were willing to be that it had to do with eradicating their California base of unwelcome Konoha ninja.
Xxx
It took Leah and Tobi a half an hour to get all packed up and meet Deidara outside the hideout where he was giving his oversized clay bird a test flight. When he saw them he had the bird land a couple of feet in front of him, eyeing them both casually.
"Pretty bird." Leah commented. She touched the powdery white surface of its beak cautiously.
Deidara grinned. "Thank you. It's a new design. It should be faster than some of my older models." He patted the clay bird fondly.
Leah cleared her throat. "So how am I going to stay on the bird? I don't have chakra like you guys and—"
Deidara waved his hand dismissively. "I've got it figured out, don't worry, un. Tobi, put the bags in its beak. We don't want them to cause any drag."
Deidara pulled Leah up onto the bird while the two of them took a couple minutes to make some final preparations. She took the mission sheet out of her pocket again and read it for lack of something better to do.
'Location: Northern Kirigakure ; Time required: Four days maximum; Mission Level: S; Objective: Find Yuuto Wakahisa. S-class missing nin. Has a scar on the left side of face from eye to ear, black hair, brown eyes. He's a known womanizer and gambler. He most likely will be in Takaro, which is famous in Kirigakure for its nightlife. His skills and techniques are unknown to us, but he is undoubtedly powerful and dangerous. Stealth is imperative; fighting is strongly discouraged.
Merry Chistmas,
Leader.'
Leader sure knew how to be a total jackass. Leah still had no idea why it was so important she was on this mission, but she had a feeling it was some kind of joke or a ply to piss her off. Still, Leader wouldn't have done something like this without too much of a reason, so the assassination part of the mission had to be true. That made it worse, of course, since she didn't want to be around when Deidara killed some guy. Death disturbed her. Very much so.
"So what am I going to be doing?" Leah asked, holding up the mission sheet. Deidara hopped onto the bird and tied a safety rope around Leah's waist and around himself. He knew he wouldn't fall off so as long as Leah was attached to him she wouldn't either.
Deidara seated himself for a moment in from of Leah and cut off the excess rope with a kunai. "Well, you are a very important part to the success of this mission, un. Leader says what's-his-face's a total womanizer and Leah, you are a hot girl. Get it?"
Leah blinked, stunned silent. He wanted her to…oh dear…that would not work…at all….
While Leah was still trying to comprehend Deidara's plan Tobi had gotten on the bird behind her. She was confused that she was the only one sitting down…Even if they were ninjas, they had to recognize sitting down would be safer than standing and exposing their whole selves to the dangers of flying.
Deidara made a seal with his hands and the bird lifted off. Leah hugged Deidara's leg in fear as she watched the hideout turn from a mountain to a mere pebble below them. What had been giant burnt trees looked like a bunch of toothpicks. Leah whimpered and clawed at Deidara's pant leg.
He laughed. "Stand up, it's not bad!" he yelled over the roar of the wind.
"Hell no! I'll fall!" Leah protested.
Deidara apparently didn't like that answer. He pulled his leg away and turned around. He pulled Leah to her feet and wrapped her arms around his waist, despite Leah's loud shrieks and whines.
"I don't feel safe!" she screamed, clutching at Deidara's cloak for dear life.
Deidara ignored her and turned around in her grip. Leah had no choice but to remain standing now, which was probably much more comfortable for Deidara than it was for her. He just didn't like her clawing at his leg.
Tobi laughed and patted the brunette on the shoulder. "Leah it's fun! Like surfing!" Tobi jumped and assumed a surfing pose.
Leah screamed again and buried her face into Deidara's back. She felt Deidara shaking with laughter. She considered punching him in the gut but that would require moving one of her hands for a brief moment, which was something she really didn't want to risk.
"Why do I have to flirt with the dude!" Leah shouted awkwardly after about another fifteen minutes of flight. She'd have preferred to mumble since it would better portray her misgivings about this whole event, but seeing as they were on a giant clay bird doomed to explosion at high speeds, it wasn't possible.
"Well, Leah-san is the only one who's a girl," Tobi led off, "so…"
Leah gulped. She had expected that response. That didn't mean she was just going to accept it though. "Yeah…I definitely can't do that."
"What?" Deidara yelled over his shoulder.
Leah sighed and closed her eyes. "I AM NOT GOING TO THROW MYSELF AT THE RANDOM NINJA GUY YOU WANT TO KILL."
He blinked at her with his visible eye and Tobi cocked his head to the side. "Why?"
"B-because!" Leah spluttered indignantly.
"Because why?" He held a hand cupped against his ear to emphasize his induced deafness.
"CAN WE LAND FOR A SECOND?"
Deidara rolled his eye and began to descend.
None of them bothered getting off, but the two Akatsuki members turned to face Leah inquisitively.
"Okay, what were you saying?"
"I think Leah-san said she wasn't going to help us with the mission," Tobi informed his mentor quietly.
"Um…not exactly…I'm just not going to do…the main part…" Leah added vaguely.
"That's obvious," Deidara snorted. "No one expects you to kill anyone. As if you could, un…"
"Not that main part…although I won't do that either…The other main part…"
"Finding Wakahisa-san?" Tobi suggested.
"No! Flirting with the dude." Leah clarified.
Deidara stared. "Why not? I already explained you're the perfect person to do that. I don't really have a brilliant plan B yet. Any suggestions?" he asked condescendingly.
Leah stuttered. "You do it! I don't know."
Deidara stared at her. "He's a womanizer, not a fag, un."
Tobi clapped his hands together. "I like Leah's plan! We should make Deidara be the girl!"
Leah hadn't said that…or had she? Either way, she liked that idea better than her making a fool of herself in front of a dangerous ninja.
"Fuck no! You're the one who acts like a total fag! You should be the girl!" Deidara shouted at his partner.
Leah shifted her feet. "Actually, Tobi couldn't do it 'cause he doesn't take of the mask. And I couldn't do it anyways since I don't have the acting skills…so…" she led off quietly.
Deidara wouldn't admit it but Leah had a point. "I could tell you what to do…" he offered, slightly panicky.
"I'd mess it up though." Leah pointed out. "I freak out around you and I've known you for almost half a year, how do you think I'll act around a guy I just met?"
"All you have to do is flirt a little, get him a couple of drinks, I give him a spiked one, and dead. Simple. How can you screw that up?" Deidara questioned frantically.
Leah began to list off all the things that could go wrong and it slowly occurred to Deidara that they really couldn't get her to do it. He started feeling queasy and spent the rest of his time ignoring her ramblings while trying to think of a way out of the situation, even though he knew what the outcome would be. He rubbed his forehead, "Leah, you owe me big time." He had the bird lift off again without another word.
Xxx
"God. I fucking hate Tobi!" Kisame growled as he awkwardly carried his sword with his left hand, which he hardly ever used.
Eva sniffed as they trudged along behind Itachi, who was trying to avoid their whining. He was probably too wrapped up in his mysterious Itachi-like thoughts to really care what they were talking about anyway. "I hate him too." Eva agreed.
They were on their way to Takigakure and they were walking. This irked Eva very much, but Kisame had said if she complained he'd cut her arm off, so she held her tongue. Apparently the mission was an interrogation of some of the Akatsuki's underlings. A man by the name of Minoru Saito was apparently acting as a double agent for the Wind Country and was going to give away some crucial information, if he hadn't already. Another underling, Takumi Kawaguchi, had ousted him to Pein. They were going to meet and pay Takumi, and then he would lead them to Minoru's hiding place, perhaps to kill him, perhaps only to interrogate him. After that, Eva didn't know what exactly they were doing. Maybe they'd stop at some random bar place…ninjas did stuff like that after missions, right?
"How the hell am I going to fight like this? If I don't use my right hand I use both hands. I hate fighting with just my left."
Eva frowned. "I'm going to get decapitated," she whined.
"Fighting's going to suck…" Kisame complained.
"I'm going to die."
"I really want to kill Tobi."
"Me too."
During the course of their complaining, Itachi had gotten a considerable distance ahead, so they both shut up and agreed to catch up to him. Eva had been concentrating so hard on keeping up with Kisame's erratic strides that she almost ran into Itachi, who had stopped. In fact, she would have if Kisame hadn't yanked her back.
"Six ninja; low ranking; four left; two right…ambush." Itachi whispered just loud enough for Kisame to hear. Eva's crappy hearing failed to pick up any of Itachi's words, but she knew something bad or unscheduled was going on.
"Oh that just figures!" Kisame lifted his sword and assumed an awkward fighting stance. He flinched. "This is going to suck…."
Eva felt like crying. This really was going to suck.
And suck it did. Itachi pulled out kunai, and in an instant, had sent six of them towards the six ninjas. Kisame sighed and released the wrappings on his sword, letting them pool onto the ground. He set the edge of the handle on his shoulder, so it was relaxed but ready to go. The ninja came at them all at once, circling them slowly, some with senbon in hand, others with ninja stars or kunai. One had a katana.
The senbon, stars, and kunai holders all attacked at once, and four of them followed up the attacks with taijutsu, while the one of them stayed back and started making quick hand-signs for a genjutsu.
Itachi stared the man in the eye for a second and he collapsed. Kisame put his hand behind his back, and knelt down slightly, hissing "get on my back, Eva." She jumped on without hesitation. "Get a kunai from my bag. It's by your left foot." She got it, leaving the bag unbuttoned, and tried to hold it like she'd seen ninjas doing it in the anime. Kisame glanced out of the corner of his eye. She was holding it incorrectly, but as long as she didn't drop it, it wouldn't matter. "Slash at anyone who comes close, but try not to throw it. I don't trust your aim."
"Got it." Her palms were already sweaty, and she was thankful for the grip on it. Kisame took care of two of the three ninjas that came at them, knocking one away with his sword and the other jumping up to avoid it. The third one came at him from behind, and he did a quick backwards thrust with it before dipping his sword and using the momentum to come back and hit the ninja who had jumped up.
Eva held onto her kunai more for a feeling of safety than anything, her other arm holding onto Kisame's shoulder desperately. She trusted him to not jump quickly or do anything that would make her fall off, but she worried that he would get hurt and it would be her fault.
Itachi had already incapacitated another ninja, and had drawn his katana to match the sixth ninja. They paced back and forth, Itachi's expression as blank as always, but his opponent's eager and confident. It was mostly a contest of patience, waiting for openings, but there was the occasional hit and block, mostly initiated by Itachi's opponent.
About a minute later, one of Kisame's ninjas was dead from a snapped neck, and a second ninja was suffering from decapitation. Eva had buried her face in Kisame's neck, holding back bile only from the sounds. She did not want to watch people being killed.
"Eva!" Kisame yelled in a commanding voice.
Her head darted up, and she looked towards the left. A ninja was coming towards her at full speed. She froze, staring at him. Time didn't go in slow motion like she was counting on, but she managed to throw out the hand that had the kunai, hoping that through some miracle it would actually make contact with the man's skin.
It didn't. He hit it out of her hand with a sharp knock from his wrist, and the force of it threw her off of Kisame, jerking him slightly and forcing him to fight at an awkward angle. The man had pushed forward his kunai as she fell, and as she landed, blood from a deep gash in her upper arm splashed onto the ground. Turning around, Kisame stuck his kunai into the man's chest and send him flying back into a tree, where he landed with a crash and was still.
Eva screamed, both in pain from her arm and in situation-induced fear. She didn't know what to do with herself, and didn't want to move her arm. Kisame turned to her and grabbed her forcefully on the un-injured shoulder. "Eva! Eva! Get a hold of yourself. I can't have you panicking right now." Fucking damn it, he thought angrily, why the shit didn't Leader have Itachi go on this mission by himself, or at least postpone it until we got the handcuffs off?! Knowing him it's some crappy 'the pain of seeing death will help her grow' bullshit. She can't even qualify as a civilian! She has no right to be here. "Eva!" he said again, shaking her gently.
She whimpered, though her screams stopped. "My arm..." Her voice was shaky. He threw a worried look over at Itachi, who was finishing up with his opponent. He narrowed his eyes slightly, which in Itachi language meant 'Don't care. Deal with it.'
Kisame picked Eva up as gently as he could, which wasn't very easy seeing as he was still holding his sword, and sped off, finding a conveniently-placed river they had happened to pass a while ago. He sat her down on a rock on the bank of it, and pulled out a rag, dipping it in the water and quickly cleaning off the blood. Then he rinsed out the rag, and wrapped it over the cut. The cold helped some, making it a little numb, and she was able to stop crying.
"How can you do that so easily?" she finally asked.
"Wait, what?"
"Kill people. You didn't even blink."
"We're ninjas. We're uncivilized like that."
"Ah."
"Er…yeah." He narrowed his eyes, trying to read her expression. "Are you gonna be okay the rest of the mission? We can have Itachi finish it by himself, probably."
She shook her head. "I'll be okay. I don't want my only story to tell Leah and Claire 'Yeah I got scared so I ditched.'" She looked awkward. "Are there any special ninja tricks for making things stop bleeding?"
He shrugged. "Uh…not really. I can wrap it, and I have some pain meds, but there's not too much to do until we get back to the hide-out."
She nodded tersely, face slightly pale. He pulled out some of the same material he used to wrap his sword, and tied it in layers around her arm. Then he took a small, round pill from his pack and handed it to the hand-cuffed hand. She plopped it into her mouth. "How long does it…oh. Wow." The pain in her arm had already gone down to a muted throbbing. "How?"
"Not sure. You can ask Zetsu when we get back; he's the one who makes all the stuff like that."
Eva looked worried. "I'm scared now."
"That's wise."
Kisame picked her up again and they went back to where they had left Itachi. The bodies were exactly how they were left, and Eva tried not to look, deciding instead to stare intensely at a blade of grass. Until, that is, she realized it had blood on it, in which case she tried to find an ant to watch.
Itachi appeared silently, with his ninja-skills Eva found much scarier now, behind them. They continued walking towards the city.
After awhile…"Hey Itachi." Eva said annoyingly.
"Hm."
"I love you…"
Itachi kept walking.
Kisame sent her an odd look.
"He's pissing me off. I figured saying that would be more effective than saying I hated him."
"Neither of them do anything as far as reactions."
She narrowed her eyes mischievously. "Yeah…but deep down, he's burning."
He flicked her in the ear. "You wish."
"Yeah, I totally do." After a couple more seconds, she said, "I'm in shock, huh?"
"Yup. I'd say that was a safe bet."
"Okay. Just checking."
Xxx
Claire popped her bubble gum loudly. It had been an hour and a half since they had started walking and neither of them had said anything to her, unless Kakuzu's mutter of "this way" at the beginning had counted. Now he was about a hundred feet ahead of them, doing some weird business calculations while she walked. Hidan had his eyes almost completely closed and had been chanting some weird ass prayer thing to himself, completely oblivious to everything around him. It wasn't that she wanted to talk to him, but the chanting was getting on her nerves almost as much as plain silence would, and she wanted a reaction to break up the monotonous stretches of time. She popped the gum again, but all she got was a slight twitch from him.
Claire huffed and rolled her eyes over to Hidan awkwardly. She was going to have to be the one to start something. "What're you doing? Praying for rain?"
"No." Hidan mumbled distractedly.
"You should. It's hot out." Claire said. He didn't reply. She clicked her tongue. "So what are you praying for?"
"I'm praying to forget something," he said, sounding just as distracted as before.
"What?"
He hummed. "I forgot…."
"Then you don't have to pray anymore…" Claire pointed out. Even if it was just arguing with this obnoxious man, she wanted something to do.
Hidan opened his eyes finally, trance over, and glared at Claire. "You're a bitch."
"And you're a manwhore, we've been over this a dozen times," she replied.
Hidan rolled his eyes. "Is that the only comeback you have?"
"Is that the only insult you have?" she retorted.
He grinned. "I have a million, but I think bitch suits you best."
"Lovely, thanks," Claire said with sarcasm.
"You're welcome bitch." He patted her on the back like she was a good friend.
Hidan started to complain about the heat and that his feet were starting to hurt. Claire told him to stop being such a baby, knowing well that she was being a hypocrite. Kakuzu continued wisely ignoring them.
Claire popped her bubble gum again. "Dare I ask what nonsense was so important that you had to interrupt Kisame and Eva's waking ritual this morning?" Claire prodded cautiously.
"What?"
"Back at the hideout, when you came in to the room all in a panic and then Leader cut you off before you could say it."
Hidan was silent for a moment. He remembered that he had had something really important to say to Claire, but he couldn't remember what. Maybe that was what he was praying to forget. Wait. Yes! That's what he was praying to forget the thing he needed to tell Claire…wait…why did he want to forget that? If he really wanted to tell Claire something he must've had a good reason, and it wasn't a new insult he knew that. Damn, it was something really important too.
The same horrified expression he had been wearing a few hours ago reappeared on his face as the last ninety minutes he had spent on forgetting were rendered void. He quickly turned to Claire. "Claire!"
She jumped at his sudden exclamation. He started to run at her. Claire, in response to a religious madman carrying a scythe running at her, broke into a sprint to catch up with Kakuzu swearing as she went. Hidan chased her but was slowed down since he was carrying both his and Claire's things (he had also forgotten why he'd offered to but he had a good idea now).
They ran past Kakuzu. Kakuzu stopped in his tracks to watch them.
Hidan caught up with Claire and grabbed her shoulders. She screamed and tried to keep running. They stumbled a little but managed to remain standing. Hidan moved so he was standing in front of Claire with a firm grasp on her shoulders.
They both stood there panting for a few seconds.
"What the fuck, Hidan!?" Claire yelled.
"Shut up bitch I need you to marry me!" Hidan roared back.
Claire didn't have a response to that. She stared at Hidan's magenta eyes for a long time and he stared back. He was obviously waiting for an answer.
Claire pushed him away. "…What the fuck, Hidan!?" she repeated.
Hidan didn't look at all hurt by the rejection. He seemed more pissed off that he was pushed than anything. "Because of what happened this morning! I kissed you so now we have to get married!"
The teenager felt her face go hot and vehemently hoped Kakuzu wasn't within earshot. "Why?!" she hissed.
"Because! It's against my fucking religion to do that sort of thing! I kissed you so now you have to marry me!" he argued.
"Why am I being punished for your mistake?!"
Ouch. Although he wasn't really keen on marrying her in the first place, that last insult stung a little. "B-because! We have to!"
"NO!"
"Come on Claire. Marry me!" he demanded.
"No!"
"Marry me!" now it just sounded like an order.
"No."
"Please?"
"Now you just sound pathetic." Claire paused and said 'no' again just for good measure.
Kakuzu watched them argue for a bit. He decided he really didn't care and just kept walking. Claire and Hidan just followed behind and played 'Proposal. Rejection.' for the next couple of hours.
Author's Note:
Claire: Blah. Stuff to say…At least I'm not gonna rant cuz I don't remember how really and I'm not going to try to make excuses for myself…
Leah wrote like 85% of this chapter and Eva wrote like 15% of it, and I wrote none…
Gahhhh just blame this whole hiatus on me…I go writer's block and then I got laziness and I got guilt but it wasn't really sufficient enough to do anything but edit, and even that took for-fucking-ever. I kind of had this illusion that we would write the rest of the story and then post it like, once every other day but that will take too long, so I guess we're just gonna go back to trying to write one chapter at a time. I hope it doesn't take too long D:
And I'm really really really sorry…and I'm not even going to try to express it in words because I'd fail at it…lol, I suppose that's the whole problem…-sigh-
Blahhrr, if it's any consolation the sun is getting your revenge on me for you cuz it's like 95000000 degrees here.
Eva: :) And we're.....back! I wrote some of it, this time. Less than a fourth of it...but still!! KisamexEva fluff is love. I swear. Hmm...I never really know what to say in A/Ns...Um um um um Oh! Leah was at her dad's house and was bored and started playing neopets, and then I was talking to her and was all 'Neopets sounds ridiculously fun' and so now we have neopets accounts. :D Yes. We win. Uhyeahthat'sitbye!