When Are We Going to Die?

by Nairo Xana and Jemmi

Only a few months after the Akatsuki first showed up in their living room, the three girls are forced to face a consequence they would have never expected... Again, Akatsuki induced. T for swearing and Eva. Sequel to 'How Are We Still Alive' Doesn't suck

22. Strip Clubs and Blackberrys

Author's Note:

Claire: Gonna try to do the notes at the beginning so we don't ruin the end with our retardness.

Um. Did we mention this was going to be the last chapter?

Cuz it is.

……SURPRISE?!

-shot-

My usual groveling applies, but I figure not to the same extent because this chapter is uber long and is the last one –shot again-

It includes muchly drama llamas! Like fighting!

Honestly, you don't read this story for the action. You read it for the lols. Thus, it is justified that the fight scenes suck some major balls.

Leah told me she doesn't really know what to write and I realized I don't either. So I'm just going to let her talk now.

Leah: Claire! You made a rhyme!

Okay, some things to say.

First off, I'm going to apologize in advance if what Hidan says about a group of Muslims he knew offends you. He's Hidan, he doesn't care about offending people.

Secondly, Charli's profanity towards the end is sort of a joke to us. You see, I was playing Sonic the Hedgehog and I randomly shouted the word because I got scared. It was hilarious and awkward and largely influenced by Jason.

I don't wish to spoil anything but those had to get out of the way.

Enjoyyyyyyyy!

Claire: OMG GROSS I DID MAKE A RHYME. I hate rhyming FFFFFFFFFF

Just read yer dang story.

Chapter 17:

At least half of the people in the room were convinced the Akatsuki leader had finally gone insane. He had been leaning against the coarse wall of the hideout with a dead-serious expression on his face while everyone else had gathered to hear his news. His calm demeanor actually completely contradicted what he had told them; he looked more content and at peace (though still maintaining the underlying aura of the head of an evil organization) than he had for many weeks, if not months. This was obviously due to the extended absence of his bickering underlings, who were ever present. But despite all of this, his words were baffling and absurd.

"Okay, I must still have jet lag or something because I can't believe what you just said, un." Deidara said this slowly, voicing the opinion of everyone in the room, though he was one of the few who could supply an excuse of that validity. "So you're going to have to say it again."

Pein displayed no frustration, irritation, or any other negative mood, and calmly acquiesced to the blonde's appeal. "We're all going to an onsen today, and because it is mandatory, it will be my treat," he repeated, enunciating slowly so that there would be no mistake.

There were several replies to this, all along the lines of 'why?'. The ones who offered no protests appeared too confused or horrified to do anything but stare, blink, and glace at each other in wonder and shock. Pein waited until this had ceased and were awaiting his answer before he gave it to them.

"Because the last few weeks have been particularly stressful, what with the constant abductions of people…and places. Not to mention the missions you just returned from. Onsens rejuvenate the mind and body, and you are all in need of that. I know that most of you don't take good enough care of yourself, and you've gotten lazy lately. I will need you to be at your best so we can successfully eradicate the Konoha ninja, so I'm taking temporary control of your health."

This motive, while reasonable, did not sustain everyone. Namely, Konan, who had been one of silent and shocked. She now tentatively stepped forward and half-whispered to him, "Leader, are you sure that would be…appropriate…considering—"

Pein cleared his throat and subtly avoided looking her in the eye. "Not that onsen, the other one."

This exchange was not lost on the others, whose suspicion and subconscious powers of observation had been set on edge by the irregularity of the event.

"Wait," said Kisame, a smug grin creeping onto his face, "you guys have another onsen?"

"An onsen that wouldn't be 'appropriate'?" Eva giggled mischievously.

Everyone, excluding the two suspects, Itachi, and Zetsu's white half, snickered. The first notch was carved into Pein's serenity, marked by a barely perceptible tightening of his jaw. But he coolly recovered his patience. "Leave it to you two to come up with that interpretation," he said, nodding at the handcuffs, which had lost some of their pinkness but none of their strength. "Did you consider that perhaps Konan is simply familiar with the area and knows the different establishments and their specifications? And for you three in particular—" he indicated Eva, Leah, and Claire "—was showing concern for your modesty? Most onsen don't allow any kind of covering." The three of them tensed with varying degrees of shyness and embarrassment, and Claire quietly muttered 'Fuck that…' in a definitive tone. The others took on the slight appearance of scolded children, averting their eyes and examining their nails.

Pein smiled slightly at having achieved this effect, and nonchalantly began walking to the other side of the hideout. "I thought it was a rather generous and uncharacteristic suggestion on my part, but since you're all so skeptical…" he led off meaningfully.

This prompted contradictions and oaths of a slightly pathetic nature, but that kind of relaxation really sounded amazing after all they'd been through. Pein watched them with falsely indifferent eyes, enjoying the pathetic groveling they were partaking in to get on his good side. Yes, this was how it should always be. "Well then, I think we should leave in about an hour," he said, and left them to prepare.

XxX

As everyone else was leaving to get ready, Leah hung back. "Tobi," she hissed at the ninja. Tobi turned his orange-masked face around, looking from side-to-side and then pointing toward himself questioningly. Leah paused. "Do you see another Tobi here…?"

Tobi shrugged and followed her back to her room.

"Soooo…" he led off.

"I know Deidara's story is bullshit," Leah said.

Tobi uttered a sound that was something like 'eep'.

"I want to know what the truth is."

"Well…would you believe…at the restaurant there were…um…" He pushed the tips of his fingers together nervously and avoided her unnaturally menacing glare. "This is going to sound strange, but there were miniature pentapuses."

"Miniature pentapi…" Leah repeated.

"Yes. And when you walked in there was a guy carrying a tank of them and he tripped and they spilled and some of them latched on to your neck and…and…yeah. And that is what happened," Tobi rambled.

"Do you have anything more believable...?"

Tobi hung his head. "Tobi thought it was a good story…"

"Just tell me the truth, Tobi."

Tobi half-hummed, half-whined in protest. He looked around nervously for nothing and seriously hoped Deidara would not be able to hear him.

xXx

They had all dressed minimally, the Akatsuki members leaving their characteristic cloaks at the hideout, since clothes would be more or less unnecessary anyway. Thankfully, the Akatsuki's recognizable faces were not enough to set the attendants of the onsen on edge. They were welcomed as enthusiastically as normal, law-abiding citizens would have been.

As they separated to go into the Men's and Women's respective locker rooms, the first problem arose. Eva was the one who pointed it out. "Kisame…which locker room are we going to go into? And…how are we going to take showers? While we're on this topic, the onsen are gender-specific…which one are we going into?"

"The guy's," Claire answered for her. "I don't care if I'm wearing a towel or not. The only reason I even agreed to go was because I was told it would just be girls."

Hidan looked temporarily crushed. "But I was going to ditch the towel just for you, Claire."

"Oh my God, shut the fuck up."

Kisame grimaced. "I think Claire's right, actually. As prone as I am to being the gentleman…" he said, laughing a bit at the irony of the statement, "it'd be better if you went with us. After all, you've been handcuffed to me for two days, you should be used to men by now. If not, sucks for you, you're going with us anyways."

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Eh, it won't bother me too much to be in the onsen. Nothing I haven't read about. But what about the locker room predicament? I'm sorry, but I draw the line at taking a shower while in the same room as so many guys. I'm assuming that there aren't any curtains, so…"

Konan spoke up with "Well, after Leah, Claire and I are done changing, you guys could use the girl's locker room. It would be empty then; no one uses the onsen this late."

"Sounds good to me. I've always wanted to know what the inside of one looked like," Kisame said, and sat down against a nearby wall. Eva fell down, and then recovered herself and changed to a sitting position.

"Yeah, sure," she allotted. "Sounds good to me too."

Moments later, they were the only two people left outside. Eva was basking in how comfortable their silences were getting, taking it as a sign of a progressing relationship. Kisame had been thinking about whether he should wrap their wrists to prevent chafing from the handcuffs, and whether or not the fuzzy part would protect them enough. Hooting and laughter came from the boy's locker room. She smiled. She didn't think she would ever get used to the fact that a bunch of S-class ninja murderer people were, when it boiled down to it…still just guys.

"You have a really stupid thoughtful look on your face. It's scaring me."

She stuck her tongue out at him. "That could almost constitute as flirting, Kisame."

"Che. You wish."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." She rolled her eyes and wondered if her smile was permanently etched on her face.

She heard a towel snap, twice, from the boy's locker room. She chose not to comment.

"Hidan!" Kisame yelled gruffly. "Don't get Kakuzu pissed off, he's probably paying for our food!"

"How the fuck did you know I was the one who whipped him?" came the almost-faint shout from inside.

Kisame chuckled, but heard a thump and another shout from Hidan, so didn't bother responding.

The girl's locker room, on the other hand, was completely silent; almost serene. Eva half-expected Mozart to start drifting in from the background. This contrast surprised neither of them.

After ten minutes or so, Konan stuck her head out of the door. "Locker's free."

Kisame got up first, and then gave Eva a hand. "Finally." He walked in with large, confident strides, looking around briefly before seeing the showers. He grabbed two towels from a rack hung up in the hallway, and took a sharp right into the area. He tossed one to Eva, and turned the closest shower nozzle on. "Okay. So this is how it's going to work. I'll strip first, and you close your eyes. I'll shower, wrap the towel around me, and then we switch."

"Um…'kay." She realized he had already started pulling down his pants, so she turned around. When he was done, she took her stance in the shower, stripped, and washing as fast as she could, blushing the entire while, did what she had to do. She grabbed her towel, then, and wrapped it around her as well.

"That was done with a lot less awkwardness than was expected," Kisame commented.

"I'm glad you wear boxers, and not briefs," she said in return. At the look on his face, she said "I saw them on the floor!"

"Sure you did. It's not your fault," he joked, as they walked back to the front, and through the boy's locker room, which was now empty, and towards the onsen. "I know that you just can't resist my dashing good looks and rippling muscles."

"No! No, I swear I didn't look! I'm not like that. I talk the talk, but I'm too young to walk the walk!"

"Whatever you say, Eva."

They then entered the onsen area, and the sight they were met with took away any and all responses that she had been thinking of. Everyone was out there, of course. Tobi was still fully clothed except for his shoes, and his leggings, which were rolled up a bit, to allow his feet to soak in the water. But, it was sufficiently awkward that the rest of them were naked, and Eva might have been able to stare at the night sky the whole time if not for Hidan. Not only was he nude, he was standing up unabashedly, and was letting loose a constant stream of profanity.

"Fucking hell, Kakuzu. Stop being a whiny little bitch and give me my fucking arm and my fucking towel back before I run home, get my scythe, and kill your sorry ass, you motherfuc—"

"Watch your mouth," Pain warned. "And watch the blood. Don't get it into the water."

"If you want me to fucking calm down, make that motherfucker give me my Goddamn towel back! I need to stop this fucking bleeding."

Eva's eyes were soaking in the status of his right arm, which was, in a manner of speaking, MIA. Kakuzu had it slung over his shoulder, and was keeping Hidan at bay, apparently due to his lack of scythe. There was a large puddle of blood collecting on the pavement next to the onsen, and Hidan stood maybe a foot away from Kakuzu, who was looking extremely nonchalant. "Uh…Kisame?" Eva asked. "Is it safe to go over there?"

He, who hadn't even slowed his pace, completely used to this type of fight between the two teammates, said, "Yeah, of course. They'll keep it between themselves."He slid into the onsen with a relaxed splash, and Eva went in next to him.

Pein was now raising his voice at Kakuzu, telling him to give Hidan his towel back, and sew his arm back on before the blood got to the water.

Hidan seemed to quiet down, but protested loudly again when Pein told him to clean up the spill. Eva and Kisame watched it like they would a movie, Eva occasionally sinking up to her nose in the water so she could laugh without earning the Jashinist's horrifying glare.

XxX

The blue mist rising from the springs was so calming that they all relaxed and enjoyed the feel of the water for a while. A stream could be heard trickling from somewhere in the distance, and dense exotic ferns and palm trees lined some of the edges of the pool. The others were decorated with softly lit lanterns and bamboo chairs, which the Akatsuki members had flung their towels onto.

"Y'know," Hidan said, opening one magenta eye lazily, "This reminds me of the time I went to a strip club with a bunch of Muslims."

"You went to a strip club with a bunch of Muslims?" Eva repeated incredulously.

He shrugged. "Allah doesn't have a passport."

"After we initially met the girls," said Zetsu, who had been inspired by Hidan's story, "I found a cure for the common cold. I tried using a loquat as an ingredient, and it worked. But I destroyed the recipe anyway."

Pein sighed, appearing comfortable but for his words. "Zetsu, I'm docking your pay by 20% until further notice."

"It was worth it."

Eva giggled and looked around the circle, surveying the Akatsuki's upper halves as best she could so as to select a suitable candidate. "Itachi, you should tell us a story. I bet you have some funny ones."

"No," Itachi said without opening his eyes.

Eva frowned, dejected.

"I have another story," Hidan volunteered. The others raised eyebrows curiously. "I met this girl once, and she was kind of a bitch, but shit happened and now I have to marry her."

"Great story, un," Deidara said sarcastically, splashing the rotten tomato equivalent of a wave towards him.

Tobi snickered. "Sounds like true love to me."

"You want to talk about true love?" Kisame remarked suddenly.

"Please spare us another of your stories about your dumb sword," Kakuzu moaned.

"I wasn't going to talk about Samehada…I was going to talk about socks." The others groaned, knowing where this was going. "So there were these socks that I found, right? And they were this beautiful red color. It was like….it wasn't as dark as cherries but it would be like that if cherries were lighter…I guess it would be more like a dark magenta—"

"Kisame, please. Enough," Pein interrupted. Kisame scowled. "I have something I want to talk about with all of you anyway."

"So," Pein said loudly, hoping the girls in the adjacent onsen would be able to hear him. "We need to talk about the Konoha ninja." The rest of them were quiet. He took this as a sign to continue. "Konan, Zetsu, and I came up with a plan while you were all on your missions, but it still has some details to be worked out, and anyway we need to go over it with all of you."

Eva blinked and deeper into the water. She sensed that she and her friends would once again be useless.

"Anyway—"

An eruption of giggles from the girls' onsen interrupted him. A vein in Pein's jaw twitched slightly. "Are you listening to me?!" he yelled even louder than before.

The giggling ceased, followed by discreet whispering. "Are you talking to us?" Konan shouted back faintly.

"Yes!"

"Talk louder!"

There were snickers from some of the guys while Pein paused and collected his scattered patience. He awkwardly attempted to yell with an authorized composure. "I was saying we need to—"

"CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Claire interjected.

"WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE MISSIONS!" Pein roared.

"…YOU WANT TO MOCK KISSING?"

"NO HE SAID HE WANTS TO GO FISHING." It was unclear why the girls were still yelling when talking to each other.

"I HEARD NUCLEAR FISSION."

"FORGET IT!" the freshly irritated Akatsuki leader shouted. "WE ARE GOING TO THE SAME ONSEN. YOU GIRLS HAVE 30 SECONDS TO GRAB YOUR TOWELS."

There was a frantic scrambling sound and shrieks from Leah and Claire from the other side of the fence.

"Sweeeet, un, it's party time," Deidara grinned to himself.

"All of us will be wearing towels, Deidara," Pein clarified.

"Wasn't the whole point of this that it's against the rules to wear towels in the onsen?" Kisame muttered disinterestedly as he grabbed his from a chair.

"Yeah! You guys were all bugging me earlier about wearing a towel…" Eva agreed, pouting.

"I've decided the rules in this case are irrelevant," Pein offered simply. "TIME'S UP," he called to the girls, and jumped over the fence. The others followed.

Kisame glanced at Eva, then at their unfortunate bonds, bits of which had freed themselves in the pool and were now floating about like little fluorescent snowflakes. "Let's just walk around…." he said.

Eva nodded. "Yeah…"

xXx

"How come the girls get a nicer onsen than we do?" Hidan complained, sinking back into the water. "All these frilly ferns and waterfalls and shit."

"We appreciate aesthetics," Konan supplied somewhat sarcastically.

"If that's the case we can ditch the towels."

Deidara chuckled and offered Hidan a rare high five, which was accepted by an equally rare stroke of good humor. Konan rolled her eyes and Leah decided it might be best to stare upward, just in case.

"Where's the bitch anyway?"

"Claire's over there." Leah pointed behind a rock where the redhead was hiding.

"Dammit Leah, you fucking traitor!" Claire screeched.

"Claire-san, what are you doing over there?" asked Tobi as he resettled his feet in the therapeutic liquid.

"Enjoying my privacy. I don't like naked people," she muttered.

"C'mon bitch, we don't bite," the Jashinist grinned.

"Speak for yourself."

There were more chuckles and splashes at this comment, which quickly rose into something more rowdy. Pein's serenity was quickly dissolving, and he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.

"As enjoyable as this banter is, we do have an agenda," Itachi reminded them.

The Akatsuki leader cleared his throat. "Thank you, Itachi. Now, as I was saying before, we need to discuss how we're going to get Konoha out of the girls' house. Here's the plan…"

XxX

"'Charli, it's Pein. We're getting tired of waiting for you to call. We've noticed a massive lack of force surrounding Konoha, and we're going to take the opportunity to attack it. There's also been a rumor the Kazekage has been missing from Suna, and Deidara claims to have some kind of personal score to settle there…'

'—FUCK YEAH, UN!'

'…Anyway, I was going to ask if you wanted to help with a mission, but you're being too unreliable to count on. Don't try to contact us; we don't want to take any unnecessary risks of being noticed.'

Click."

"Think it's a trap?" Gai asked, unusually solemn.

"Maybe," said Kakashi.

"It would be unrealistic to think they didn't know we were here. Otherwise, they probably would have come back by now," Jiraiya reasoned.

Charli clenched the edge of the chair she was sitting on harder. "Sometimes they don't come back for a long time, you can't say that!"

"Quiet, you." Temari put a hand on the girl's head, gently, but firm enough to convey the message of seriousness. The other ninja did not react to her outburst.

Kakashi unfolded his arms and stared towards the tiled floor in thought. "Still, it's true that having all of us occupy this house we've taken a major chunk out of Konoha's defensive system. They could actually use this chance to attack."

"Either way, odds are they're trying to draw us away from the house so they can come back," Shikamaru said.

"But we could return quickly," Lee added somewhat hopefully.

Neji waved away his optimism impatiently. "It would be easy for them to set up an ambush here. Much easier than in Konoha, or anywhere in our world."

"It doesn't look like we can take any chances," TenTen said quietly.

There was silence as the large group tried to think of contradictions to her words. Frustrated tension flooded the atmosphere and pressed in on them. Charli's eyes were starting to hurt due to the intensity with which she was watching them. Of course it was a trap. It was painfully obvious. But it did have a sadistic little "What if?" factor. What if it was true and the Akatsuki destroyed Konoha and Suna while its greatest protectors were away? It would be their fault. Charli focused all of her energy into willing their paranoia to succeed, so much that she was half certain someone's hair would spontaneously combust.

"What about us, Gaara?" Kankuro mentioned to his younger brother gently.

The eyebrowless boy stared on ahead, noticeably disturbed. "Considering what happened the last time, I have confidence Deidara could do serious damage to Suna if we are absent. I don't want to take a chance."

"Maybe some of us should stay here and some of us should go back?" Hinata suggested, very timidly. She seemed to shrink into her coat collar like a turtle and blush deeper when most of them turned to look at her. "N-nevermind…"

Jiraiya smiled and put a hand on her shoulder. "No, Hinata, it's a good idea." He dropped his arm and faced the rest again. "I wish there were a way we could avoid reducing our numbers, but I think we'll have to. If either group gets attacked, hopefully a messenger can be sent for backup before any real damage is done. I propose myself and one team should stay behind, while the rest of you return."

"That doesn't seem like a very equal division," Choji pointed out worriedly.

"Protection of Konoha comes first. It'll be enough."

Charli did very complex gymnastics of joy internally, and diverted her hair-roasting powers of concentration to keeping the glee off her face externally.

"I think Jiraiya's right. And I find your bravery youthful!" Gai gave a ridiculously large smile and a thumbs up, both rather inappropriate for the mood.

"So who's gonna stay?" Kiba asked.

"I think my group should," Shikamaru volunteered. "Not to say that everyone else is under qualified, but we tend to excel in stealth, which seems key to this situation."

Ino and Chouji glanced at each other. "I'm game," Ino agreed. The other nodded.

Kakashi nodded. "I think this is a good arrangement. The rest of us should probably go now. The message didn't say how soon they would be attacking. For all we know, they're already on their way."

xXx

Charli felt like she was in a Saw movie. The wire had snapped, and she now had about sixty seconds to complete her task before the timer went off and the death machine blew up her heart. The "death machine" being the departing Konoha ninja and "blew up her heart" being "caught her", that is. As soon as everyone's back was turned, she snatched her phone from the counter where Gaara had set it down and flipped it open.

Her fingers trembled with stress. She glanced up. They were still distracted, and the jutsu was making its thundering noise. She didn't have time to change them both. Oh well, she knew both numbers by heart anyway. She clicked the 'Erase' button next her brother's contact information, hastily tapping the yes button, yes she was sure she wanted to delete the info. She glanced up again. The lights were stopping, the wind and thundering noises still destroying the cleanliness of the living room. She missed the contact on the first try, and had to go back and open the right one. Tap, tap, tap, tap. Pein's name was gone. Five, two, seven…too many sevens…damn the six key…there.

"Contact 'JASON' updated."

XxX

"What are you doing with that?" Shikamaru snapped at Charli, grabbing the phone from her.

The girl frowned at him with practiced intolerance. "I was just texting my brother, gawd," she replied, taking it back to show him. The text message window displayed Jason's name at the top, and the unfinished message innocently read 'Jason, when are you going to be ho—'. Still suspicious, the ninja clicked through recent messages and calls, looking for anything devious. "If you don't give me that back soon I won't be able to resist pulling on your pineapple hair any longer," she threatened.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at her. He shut the phone and returned it to her after a few seconds, as if he had been done anyway. He sat down next to her and crossed his arms. "Don't think because there are fewer of us, you won't be watched."

Yeah, nice job on that so far, Charli thought smugly. Pein responded quickly, however, and saved her the trouble of thinking of a slight for her new watch dog. He peered over her head indiscreetly as she opened the phone. She sighed. "Be—the letter B—back—spelled B-C-K—'at' symbol, 6, on second—2-n-d. Keep dog distractd—no E in 'distracted'," she read aloud, and gave him the phone after so he could check for himself.

She tapped her foot loudly against the chair and continually checked her nonexistent watch while Shikamaru scrutinized her phone. After a couple of minutes, he pocketed it, though he still seemed dissatisfied. "I'm on to you, kid," he muttered.

Once he had turned and gone, Charli smiled, in such a way that it was almost a smirk. I seriously doubt that.

xXx

When the dust cleared, the girls carefully rubbed their eyes and squinted. It looked like a heaven-dwelling being had taken a leaf blower and cleared off a huge circle where they were standing with their Akatsuki comrades. Rocks and eucalyptus leaves made crumbling barriers on the edges of their circle, occasionally discharging a bit of leftover electricity into the air. As usual, the ninjas were more composed than the three teenagers, and disinterestedly brushed airborne dirt off their cloaks and hair.

"It smells different here than I remember," said Eva. She sneezed after inhaling a tiny gnat with her curious sniffs.

"Thank you for setting the mood, Eva," Claire mumbled sarcastically.

The Akatsuki leader was already a good distance ahead of the group. "We need to start walking," he told the rest of them.

They walked in their teams about 100 feet apart, in areas where the trees grew the thickest. Hopefully no residents would peer off their balcony to see what would look to outsiders like a cult trudging through a canyon; and if they did, they would just assume they were all druggies and leave them be. They were silent with apprehension. If anything went wrong, it could seriously mess up the plan. The chances no one from either side would get hurt were infinitesimally small. It had taken a lot of arguing from the girls to convince the ninja to alter their fighting style so it would be as short and uncomplicated as possible.

"You don't think anyone noticed us?"

"No, Tobi. The trees where we transported were almost as dense as you, un."

"Don't forget, Deidara. There's a reason we're approaching the house from different angles," came Pein's voice over their headsets. Despite what they had told Charli, each of them was equipped with one of the numerous earpieces she had supplied them with. "Even if we mask our chakra, chances are they left someone there who will be able to detect us. That's why we have to draw our signals and get in there as quickly as possible. Everyone knows their signal, right?"

There was a chorus of solemn 'yes's.

"All right then, Claire, Leah, you're up."

XxX

The doorknob was moving. Someone outside the house was trying to get it, and it wasn't Jason. Jason never had key troubles, and was never this quiet if he did. The Konoha ninja were on guard. Jiraiya, from his perch at the top of the stairs, was prepared for an aerial attack. Ino lurked behind the large supporting column that stood Southeast of the doorway. Choji and Shikamaru took the West flank, crouching low behind the half walls and furniture. Charli watched from the living room couch.

After an eternity, the door sprung open. Five hearts skipped a beat—for nothing.

"I told you so! You were turning it the wrong way!"

"I thought you just had to stick it in and move it a little, not full on turn it."

"You're so dumb, Jenny."

"Not as dumb as you, stupid Nicole."

Shikamaru sighed and revealed himself from his hiding place. "Hello, ladies," he greeted coolly. He was slightly disappointed, but also relieved that it had not been the Akatsuki. Then again, he hadn't been expecting them to come in through the front door.

"Oh hi!" she said, flipping her hair. "Sorry about just barging in like that."

Shikamaru waved his hand dismissively and watched as the others casually joined him in the entry way. "It's fine," he replied. "But I must ask that you come back another time. We're expecting company."

"We are?" Charli questioned innocently. She skipped over to Jenny and Nicole, giving them both hugs in an attempt to up her innocent factor. "Surely they can stay for a little bit. Can't they, Jiraiya?" The three blonde girls gazed at Jiraiya pleadingly.

Jiraiya leaned his forearms on the banister and gave the eleven-year-old an irked smile. "Charli—"

"We promise we'll be gooooood," Nicole smiled and batted her lashes and pushed her arms together in a way that made her chest push forward just a little more.

Jenny's eyes grew wide. "Nicole, girl, check out his hair!"

The elder sister turned her head to get a better view of said hair. "Oh my God!" she grabbed Jenny's hand and they started up the stairs. "You have to let us play with your hair!"

"It is so gorgeous!" Jenny gushed.

Jiraiya seemed not to notice the compliments, eyes fixed a little further South than they legally should have been. "Girls, I'm sorry but—"

Jenny took hold of Jiraiya's hand and attempted to pull him further up the stairs. "Oh don't be shy! We just want to chat and you must tell us your secrets!"

The elder ninja was about to offer another feeble protest until Nicole tossed her jacket to Charli, asking the child to hang it up. Nicole's slim figure and her large chest, both of which were perfectly accentuated by her tight white tank top that was a little too short for her, were revealed by this motion.

A few minutes wouldn't hurt, Jiraiya thought. He grinned as the MacElliot sisters led him away.

Shikamaru gaped at the spot where Jiraiya had just been standing. The dignified composure he had attempted to adopt had quickly fallen to pieces. And then those pieces had evaporated. "Did that honestly just happen?"

Ino crossed her arms. "Men," she scoffed.

"It's fine, you guys. If anything happens, Jiraiya will know. He wouldn't choose two girls over a chance to fight the Akatsuki," Chouji said optimistically.

Ino rolled her eyes. "Sure he wouldn't." She slipped the kunai she had been holding back in its holster. "I'm going to go file my nails or something."

"I think you should take care of your girl-stache first," Shikamaru quipped.

"Only after you get your bikini line waxed. Seriously, it's gross," Ino retorted playfully and disappeared into the living room.

With nothing better to do, Shikamaru and Chouji stared at Charli.

"What?" she barked at them.

"We're watching you," the shadow ninja said then immediately contradicted himself by turning around, retreating into the ground floor's spare bedroom.

Charli silently poked Chouji's stomach and then returned to watching Spongebob.

This was anti-climatic, Chouji thought. He followed the eleven-year-old so he too could watch the fanciful adventures of the sponge that lived in a pineapple under the sea.

xXx

"Charli!" called Leah, dropping her bag unceremoniously on the floor.

"Leah! Claire!" gasped Ino.

"Ino?" said Claire.

A blonde head popped over the railing of the stairs. "Leah?!"

Another head appeared, equally blonde. "Leah!"

"Jenny?" Claire looked at Leah.

"Nicole?" Leah looked at Claire.

Shikamaru appeared from the hall. "Claire! Leah!"

Claire spotted Charli, who was in the kitchen. "Charli!"

"Can we stop this?" pleaded Chouji.

"What are you doing here?" Shikamaru demanded of the girls, his face an uncomfortable blend of surprise and anger.

"What are we doing here? We live here!" retorted Claire.

"What are you doing here?" Leah added.

"They're TORTURING me!" Charli screeched, feigning hysteria.

Ino huffed and rolled her eyes. "We did not torture you."

Jiraiya finally joined the confrontation, his hair clad in a medley of bows and braids and sparkly things. "What's going on? When did they get here?"

Nicole started hopping up and down on the stairs, something the others considered vaguely dangerous considering her high heels and ditsy manner combined with height. "Have you guys seen his hair?! It's so pretty. Look, we made it better." The ridiculous girl beamed with an intensity inversely proportional to her intelligence.

Shikamaru dropped the playful method he had adopted around his friends and switched into interrogation mode, facing his new suspects with a stony expression. "Where are the Akatsuki?" he persisted.

"They're talking about Antarticans again." Claire sighed. "Or was it Alaskans?"

"I'm getting really tired of Alaska. It shouldn't even be part of the United States. It's freaking attached to Canada. It's the appendix of Canada," Leah frowned.

This had gone on long enough. What right did these teenagers, these outsiders have to question the politics of a world they were barely acquainted with? None! They were interfering with a justice so obvious it could be detected by a child. The people they were protecting—that they had befriended—were murderers! Murderers who were trying to attain as much power as possible to create a world dominated by fear and forced into submission by the threat of impending war. And they were treating this all like it was a game; they were pretending they had no idea what was going on, when really they were just being immature children who had gotten a few too many chances to be snide.

How could they be so careless? How could they have so little concern for an entire world, a whole separate universe that wasn't that different from their own? Not to mention, the two were now linked inextricably, with this magical tie. They had an obligation, a responsibility, a duty even to care. And they didn't. They were just being ignorant brats.

What's more, the Akatsuki could easily be using them. Using their house as a base—a base that was almost inaccessible to enemy nations—nations that had experienced the raw terror brought by these demonic humans. They could be building a larger army in the secrecy of this alternate world; they could be learning how to use the advanced weaponry, the advanced technology, the advanced medicine. They could exterminate these girls if they defeat the shinobi nations and they no longer served any purpose to them...

They could be planning to take over this world next…

Shikamaru's temple twitched, and he could feel his blood pressure rising to a rate that would have worried him if he wasn't as young as he was. He climbed the few stairs to the platform the girls were standing on and stood rigidly in front of them. "Stop playing innocent. Stop. Protecting. Murderers."

Claire and Leah only stared at him, assuming equally grave expressions. Protecting murderers? How hypocritical. Konoha ninja were just as murderous and bloodthirsty as the Akatsuki. What's more, they were self-righteous and arrogant enough to assume that they alone had the right to be the international—no, interdimensional—police. They had a very limited understanding of the Akatsuki's motives, and found that to be enough justification for taking away their basic human rights. Instead of offering a better alternative to the situation, oligarchies like the Konoha system were what had driven these men to become outlaws in the first place.

In any case, it wasn't as if the girls didn't understand the ramifications of their actions. It may have been cowardly, but in reality, what could they do? Three girls who had grown up completely apart from this new world, who had been taught that it was fiction, only to encounter a group of highly dangerous criminals in real life? They couldn't do anything about that.

Besides, as inconsiderate as it might sound, as terrible as it might appear to an outsider, it really wasn't their problem. It was their world, their consequences. They couldn't expect to use this new world as a resource, an advantage? To bring havoc upon the Earth, just as it had been brought upon their own? If Konoha and their allies couldn't deal with a mere eight men and one woman, what with their magnitude of power, maybe that was the natural order of things, the path their world meant for them to take.

"You've got a lot of nerve, inviting yourself into our house just so you can harass us," Claire said acidly. She calmly slid past him to join a perplexed Ino and Chouji on the couch.

"If it's your house," he continued cooly, "why haven't you been here for the last two weeks?"

"Well," began Leah, sitting next to her sister at the counter, "first we were kidnapped by you all, and then we were kidnapped by duck-butt-hair, and then we decided we needed a vacation and went to Disneyland." She took an apple from the bowl on the counter and bit into it casually.

"Is it really only the four of you? What if your Alaskans had shown up? You make it seem like they're such a big deal, and then you leave one sannin, and, what, three chuunin?" Claire casually combed her hair over her ear with her fingers, making sure it was hidden completely. She heard a slight crackle, but no words.

"We're more than enough to handle them," Chouji said bravely, though he failed to follow through with the icy composition of his comrade.

"Don't change the subject. Where's Eva?" Shikamaru inquired. He was eyeing Claire suspiciously, attention captured by her strange movements.

"Maybe she got kidnapped again," Claire offered, changing the channel on the TV.

"She wanted to get groceries, and we didn't want to wait for her," Leah supplied.

Shikamaru strode casually over to the couch, leaning over Claire's shoulder. "Or is she still with you?" he hissed into her ear. The feedback from Claire's earpiece whined loudly and she cringed, clutching it. Ino and Chouji leapt off the couch, suddenly on guard. "They're bugged," Shikamaru announced unnecessarily.

Jiraiya, who had been re-captured to the bathroom by the double-D duo, reappeared in a frenzy. Jenny was close behind him, wielding a hair straightener, and oblivious to the fact that it was unplugged. "Shikama—!"

Four doors burst open simultaneously. An inexplicable gust of air chilled the house; upon reflection, the girls could not help but imagine it had been added by the intruding ninja for dramatic effect. The large glass windows that walled the back of the house darkened with the sky, and the colors of the spilling sunset silhouetting the Akatsuki and enhancing the blood-red stains on the stark black of their cloaks.

The Konoha ninja extracted puny kunai from their belts, which were dwarfed by the menacing presence of the seven rouges that surrounded them. Sensing, despite their minimal intelligence, a magnificent tension between the foreigners, Jenny and Nicole huddled together at the top of the stairs, the former still clutching the useless iron in her manicured hands.

"So," Shikamaru forced out, his kunai hand shaking almost imperceptibly, "you finally showed up.

"Don't insult me with that toy, brat, seriously," Hidan sneered at Shikamaru, lazily swinging his scythe down from his shoulder into his hand.

Across the house, Jiraiya was staring at Pein and Konan, apparently dumbstruck. Adjacent to them, Itachi and Deidara serenely surveyed the scene, and perpendicular to them stood Kakuzu and Tobi.

"Some of them are missing," hissed Ino to Chouji. They stood back to back, she facing the Uchiha and the artist, he facing the formidable zombie and his cohort.

"The girl is observant," Pein remarked, his face an unusual mask of manic joviality. Jiraiya's eyes were still darting between him and Konan. "By the way, I like your new hair style. It's very slimming. Wouldn't you agree, Konan?"

"I would." She smiled peacefully.

Jiraiya reached up to his hair and slowly tore the bows and braids from it. Jenny and Nicole made little gasps of disappointment. "Go upstairs, girls," he said.

"We're not going to hurt anyone, if that's what you're worried about!" Tobi squeaked.

The Konoha ninja offered him a skeptical glance, never relaxing one cell of the tension they had stored throughout their bodies despite Tobi's lack of authority.

"We'd also appreciate it if you helped us try to keep the house in one piece. We promised not to destroy it, but some amount of damage seems kind of inevitable," Konan added. "That is, unless you were planning to surrender." She looked up casually from her nails.

Shikamaru scoffed. "Yeah, right."

"In that case, I have something to request of all of you," Claire announced. Eleven sets of eyes glanced her way. "If you're going to fight, then fight. Don't spend hours talking about it. This isn't Betty's Hair Salon, gals." She put up a calm pretense, but in reality, she and Leah were terrified. They didn't want either side to be harmed, even though Konoha most likely deserved it; and in the back of their minds they realized the Akatsuki did too, to some extent.

They still watched her expectantly. Claire glanced at Leah and sighed. "Well…go!"

The clang of metal on metal rang through the house as if it were an armory. The ninja were smears of color on a canvas, as far as the girls were concerned. Charli watched in awe, not sure what to do, as Claire and Leah slowly inched towards the doorway again.

Laughing his maniacal laugh, Hidan backed out of the glass door he had come through. "Come out and play!" he taunted.

Shikamaru, sufficiently confused and worried, hesitated before following him. He could have been planting a trap the whole time they had been preoccupied with the girls. Other Akatsuki members could be waiting to ambush him. He spared a backward glance at his friends, who were engaged in battle with other Akatsuki members. He couldn't afford to fail them, not when so much was at risk. If only he had a little more time to think—

A shuriken whizzed past his left shoulder and cut through his shirt, grazing his arm.

"Come on, kid, I don't have all day!"

Diverting a substantial portion of his chakra-sensing energy outwards, Shikamaru tentatively followed him into the yard. As he had expected, he was immediately assaulted by the scythe weapon, which he barely dodged. He barely had any time to recover a kunai when he was met head-on by another attack, this time short distance. He saw the intensity of the sadistic man's magenta eyes and, with great effort, repelled him and the giant scythe.

This is bad, Shikamaru thought, I'm no good at taijutsu. They continued to spar, Shikamaru ascertaining many lacerations while Hidan received few. The younger ninja could barely hold off his opponent, whose attacks were incredibly frequent and hard to analyze for pattern.

Eventually, Hidan abandoned his scythe in favor of a simple kunai, and was obviously toying with Shikamaru as they sparred. Beads of sweat formed on the younger ninja's forehead as he attempted to make some kind of mark on the Akatsuki member. Hidan, meanwhile, was hopping around like a four-year-old on a sugar high. "Whassamatter, can't keep up?" he taunted.

Shikamaru answered by faking a lunge left and slicing right across Hidan's stomach. The latter just barely managed to bend backwards enough to dodge the worst of it and avoid having his organs spill out onto the floor. Even though he was immortal, that wouldn't have been particularly fun.

He chuckled. "Ouch. Got me."

Within seconds, their hand-to-hand match was resurrected. Between fractions of seconds, Shikamaru tried to take notice of the surroundings. Hidan cut left; he hopped to the opposite direction. Little dots of light on the ground. A sharp kick to his side cost him his footing and launched him into a somersault. Trees blocked the moon. The zombie man lunged and Shikamaru sidestepped. No light from inside the house either, the blinds were drawn. The swish of a kunai past his ear and the swift rustle as another was drawn from a belt.

Theoretically, the conditions were ideal for his jutsu, as everything was in shadow. But the taijutsu allowed him no time to make even one hand signal, and every time he backed away, he encountered Hidan's grinning face moments later.

"Stupid little brat," muttered Hidan as he stared at his enemy. Shikamaru was bleeding in several places, and probably had even more internal bleeding, but he refused to fall. Hidan flipped his scythe off of his back and into his hand. Shikamaru gulped. Now was his chance. Carefully, he edged away. "I know I'm not supposed to do anything to you," he said wistfully, running a finger along one of the blades. Shikamaru prepared himself, going over the symbols in his mind so they would come out easier through his hands. The Akatsuki member, meanwhile, continued, "but you're really making this difficult for—hey—what the—TOBI, what the fuck are you doing?"

"The Macarena! It's the dance of peace!" Tobi explained, moving his left hand from straight in front of him to his right shoulder. "Quick, knock him out!" he hissed. Tobi continued to dance, facing Shikamaru with the intent of distraction. Shikamaru forgot his mission temporarily in favor of being completely baffled.

And then Hidan hit Tobi on the head with his scythe. As the masked man fell heavily to the floor, Shikamaru watched in amazement. "So much for camaraderie," he muttered.

Unfortunately, after all his planning and scheming, the time Shikamaru had taken to look down and make this little comment cost him his consciousness. "Goddamn you Zetsu, you fucking poacher," Hidan complained, looking at his prey, incapacitated through no fault of his own.

"Sorry," Zetsu said, not sounding very sorry at all. He reached his arm up through the patio floor and scrawled a symbol on it with a piece of chalk. "I'm almost done. Get him to the middle."

XxX

Inside the house, Ino was attempting to fend off the formidable Uchiha. "Do I scare you?" he questioned monotonously as their kunai clashed.

"I think it would be stupid not to be afraid of you. Doesn't mean I'm not going to fight, though."

Like Shikamaru, she was out of her element when it came to taijutsu, which was the method the Uchiha had decided their fight would be in. Of all his skills, of all the ways he could have chosen to fight her, this one was the most work. She had pegged him for one of those uninvolved fighters.

A shuriken stuck in her left shoulder and she yelped in surprise. Itachi raised his eyebrows skeptically. "This is the power of Konoha?"

Ino put on a face that displayed more bravery than she felt. "No, I was just thinking about other things. That's how easy this is for me." She danced around another volley of kunai and tossed a few of her own, which missed by miles.

Itachi was feeling quite ready for this fight to be over. This girl was no challenge at all, and she wasn't doing anything interesting or noteworthy. He tossed three more kunai her way, and they made parallel lacerations on her thigh.

Itachi sighed, figuring it really was time to end it, when he noticed an involuntary fluctuation in the girl's chakra. Apparently she was thinking about something very hard, because she was giving off so much extra energy that she actually deflected one of his shuriken. Nevermind, that was a bit interesting.

Apparently getting to the point, Ino took in a rather obvious breath and swiftly mashed her hands together in conformations only she could understand and shouted, "Shintenshin no Jutsu!" thrusting her hands forward in a closed circle.

No, he had been mistaken. She wasn't interesting at all. He easily deflected her feeble attempt without even exerting any of his conscious energy and blinked. "You really thought," his voice seemed to whisper in her ear, "that would work on me?"

Ino stood frozen, and before she could determine whether it was over her own volition or some complex sharingan technique used by her opponent, he was behind her. She felt his cold hands on either side of her head, felt them turn, and she was unconscious.

xXx

While Itachi dragged his unconscious foe out of the way, Deidara had joined Leah and Claire across the room. "What are you guys doing over here, un?" he hissed.

"We're trying to help with the symbols," Leah explained, ducking as a shuriken flew towards them and embedded itself in the door with a 'thunk'.

"You're supposed to leave that to me and Zetsu!"

"Deidara, move!" Kakuzu shouted as Chouji rolled toward him. Deidara hopped out of the way in time for the boy to strike a potted palm. Luckily, the foliage had a plastic pot rather than a ceramic one, and he merely bounced off and rolled back towards his opponent.

"This place is too fucking small for four battles to be happening," the blonde complained, grabbing the chalk Claire was holding. "Your handwriting sucks," he explained.

Leah peered over his shoulder as he scribbled something on the floor and roughly pushed him over as another flying piece of metal made its way towards them.

"WATCH IT, KAKUZU!" Deidara sighed and opened the door under the stairs. "Get in," he commanded.

The girls stared at him. "What?" Claire stated dully.

"Get in the motherfucking closet. I don't want you guys getting hurt!" He waved his arm dramatically towards the opening, as if he could waft them into it.

"Ah, look out!" Leah said.

Deidara dodged the third shuriken by leaning against the girls and squishing them into the tiny room. He then slammed the door shut and held it there, breathing heavily. "Great. Super. Okay."

"I fucking feel like Harry Potter," came Claire's muffled complaints from behind the door.

"Tough, un." He picked up the chalk and darted to the next spot.

XxX

Although Konan was present with Pein, she mostly served to go against Claire's demand and distract Jiraiya with small talk. Meanwhile, Pein was abstaining from using his jutsus so as not to damage the house. Thus, he and Jiraiya were, like the others, resulting to genin level attacks. Namely, kunai.

"It really is pitiful to see our old master reduced to this. Ribbons in his hair like some sort of pet," the Akatsuki leader taunted.

"I'd have to say it's more shameful to have a student who's resorted to murder and heading an evil organization," Jiraiya said solemnly, dodging one of Pein's kunai. Several more blows were attempted by each, and each was met by a clanging of metal. "I'm disappointed in you."

They figured that even though he didn't show it, Jiraya was aware that he was severely outmatched. He knew those kids, as they were now, were no match for even half an Akatsuki member. He cursed himself for thinking he alone would be able to protect them if the whole Akatsuki showed up, which they had. The trap had been so obvious, they should have risked leaving more men. Jiraya was so distracted by these thoughts that he let a kunai skim his cheek and drops of crimson trickled down his face and onto the tile.

"Well, sensei, your skills seem to be equally disappointing," Konan remarked. She nodded in the direction of Chouji, who had just been knocked out by Kakuzu and was being placed next to Shikamaru and Ino against the wall.

"I can't believe you two have reduced yourself to this. What happened to the kids I used to know? The kids I raised?" Jiraya pleaded. He refused to throw anything that might harm his former students, despite knowing it was his duty to do so. Maybe if he could keep them talking, he wouldn't have to. Though he had never been a coward, for the childrens' sake he might be able to escape if he could just figure out a plan.

"They're gone," Pein said simply. He cold heartedly advanced on his former teacher, armed and tensed. Jiraya pulled out a kunai wearily.

"Your allies have been defeated," Konan added icily.

The sannin clenched his teeth and tightly shut his eyes. He knew that he could not defeat them together; he knew that the battle for the house had been lost, but he also knew that he had to keep trying; he knew he could do something. Completely ignoring the informally accepted rules of combat, he leapt away from Pein, over the stair railing, to guard the kids. "I'm not just going to let you kill them. I'll take all of you on before I let that happen."

The Akatsuki members, conspicuously aligned on symbols that hadn't adorned the floor a mere half hour earlier, laughed cruelly. "We're not going to kill you, sensei," the leader said. He gave another chuckle at the ludicrous notion, as if something so obscene had never been suggested of him.

Something clicked and Jiraya whirled around the circle, noting the circumference around which the few visible Akatsuki members were now standing. His ninja training kicking in once again, he attempted to jump out of the way of the circle, prepared to fight even on his own, but a zombie-like hand exploded from the ground and grasped his ankle.

In the few seconds that followed, the hand signals the Akatsuki members were simultaneously performing had conjured up a genuine cyclone that whipped through the ring. Because the fighting had already thrust the house into a chaotic turmoil, the mess was only amplified and strewn about by the miniature tornado, dislodging kunai, shuriken, and various knickknacks that had been embedded in the walls and floor.

Pein looked up, his ringed eyes glowing as the red lightning began to crackle around the twister. "AKUMA KAWARI YOCHI YUSOUKI NO JUTSU!" echoed a voice, accentuated by the power of the jutsu surrounding the Konoha ninja.

The hand holding down Jiraiya's ankle disappeared as the lightning intensified. Jiraiya started to get up, but was reluctant to touch the swirling helical cords of red electricity. The cords spun in closer around them and crackled menacingly. They twisted closer and closer, drawn by a sinister, other-worldly magnetism, until they were all but touching the Konoha ninja. Then a loud crack zapped them away to their own dimension.

xXx

Itachi entered the living room, briefly listening to the animated conversations between his own teammates and the girls as they recounted the battles and their own successes.

"Leader," Itachi said curtly with an air of seriousness that made the conversations come to a screeching halt. "Did you send Kisame and Eva on a separate mission?"

Pein shook his head. "I did not. Is there a problem?"

"Other than their lack of presence, no," Itachi said dully, if not sarcastically.

"Wait…they're gone?" Hidan said, just to clarify.

"That is what 'lack of presence' means," Claire pointed out.

Itachi explained that he had looked rather carefully around the perimeter of the house before going inside, and was certain they were not around. He brought up the grave possibility that the two had been caught in the jutsu and were now stuck facing the Konoha ninja in their disabled state.

Deidara fell back on the couch. "I don't care. The losers are on their own, un. I don't want to play 'kidnap' anymore."

"I agree with him for once," Kakuzu muttered and sat down as well.

There were more mumbles of agreement.

Pein rubbed his forehead, seriously irked by the new set of problems that had been presented to him. After all that, all the planning and scheming and fighting, two of their team members were missing. Then he realized that at the moment, he really didn't care. He stared at his subordinates sitting on the couch somewhat sympathetically. At the same time, he recognized that if something really had happened to Eva or Kisame that they would, eventually, have to look for them.

"Doesn't one of them have a phone or a walkie-talkie?" Charli inquired.

"Probably," Zetsu answered.

Charli searched her pockets for her phone. It wasn't there. Then she scanned the counter where she had last taken it out, when Shikamaru…had taken her phone…and put it in his pocket... "BALLSACK!" Charli cursed. "That motherfucking Konoha ninja! I'm going to kick him in the nuts if I see him again!"

Pein stared at her strangely. "Charlotte, language," he scolded.

"Shut up, that bastard took my goddamn phone! It was a blackberry!" she paced the room angrily.

"Just use the house phone," Leah suggested.

Charli grumbled and reminded Leah that the house phone always seemed to be absent. However the girl dialed Eva's number on the phone's base and a ringing from the speaker resonated throughout the room.

'Hello?' Eva's voice said cheerily.

Relief briefly replaced the anger at her stolen phone at hearing Eva's voice. "Thank God you're okay. Where are you guys?"

'Well we figured we would be useless and get in the way a lot so we went to Starbucks and now we have coffee. Coffee is good. How'd the fight go?'

Charli felt her eye twitch. "I hate you." She hung up.

"What the hell…." Deidara drawled. "We just spent that whole time going through a battle royale to get this house back for you people for god knows what reason and those two just waltz off to get coffee?!"

"Coffee does sound good, actually. The fighting is done. Why not?" Leah replied.

Deidara dragged his hand over his face. "Still!"

"I kind of want coffee too," Konan added. "Leader, shall we join Eva and Kisame at Starbucks?"

Pein shrugged. "Why not? Just put on some different clothes and we can go."

With that statement, most of the Akatsuki members went off to get changed with the exception of Hidan, who was still cleaning his injury because he was being respectful for once and didn't want to bleed everywhere. Deidara still appeared to be in shock from his comrades' casual manner, and stood glued to the spot.

Claire held up a hand, apparently sharing the artist's concern. "Wait a minute. We're just going to leave? Just like that? What if they come back? This whole fiasco would start all over again!" Charli too, held this sentiment.

"Didn't I already explain this?" the Akatsuki leader said, sounding a little surprised. "I put a jutsu on the house. Only people with the Akatsuki rings can use the jutsu to get in and out of the house," he explained. "Meaning that the Konoha ninja can't get back here if they tried."

"Couldn't they just teleport down the street or something?" Charli pointed out.

"I've got it all taken care of. Don't worry," Pein said. "Speaking of the jutsu, I have something for you girls." He reached into his pant pocket and they heard little metallic clicks, presumably from kunai and other ninja weaponry, and he pulled out a little draw string bag.

He shook the contents of the bag into his hand and the girls saw four shiny metal rings that were very similar to those worn by their friends. "We decided we were going to have these made for you while you were out on missions."

Hidan, who had finished attending to himself and had gotten up, snatched one of the rings and ran to Claire. He got down on one knee and proudly displayed the ring in his open palm. "Claire, my dear, please accept this ring as a token of my love and marry me!" he said hopefully.

Claire plucked the ring from Hidan's palm, being careful not to touch the crazy Jashinist. A deep purple gem was embedding in the silver loop, displaying an elegantly written kanji within the jewel that she could not read. Nevertheless, it was pretty. "What does it mean?" she asked.

"'Buddhist nun'. There isn't a kanji for 'bitch' so this was the next best thing. It's pronounced the same," Hidan explained with a stupid grin.

Claire kicked him but put on the ring anyways.

Leader handed a ring to Leah after he was done giving Hidan an incredulous glare.

Leah thanked him. She laughed nervously, "I'm afraid to ask what mine says."

"'Chicken'. Because you are one. Also, I like chickens," Deidara said.

Leah laughed appreciatively. "Very true. And chickens are adorable and delicious so I very much approve. Thank you again, Leader."

"You're welcome," he turned to where he'd last seen Charli, but she wasn't there. Then he noticed her in the kitchen getting a glass of milk. "Charli," he addressed.

"What do you want?" she asked, sipping her drink.

He held out a ring to her and her eyes widened. "Really? Why am I getting one? Don't you hate me or something? I like it and all, but this is unexpected."

Pein slid the cool, powder pink ring on the girl's right thumb since that was the only place it could be without falling off. "You'll grow into the ring eventually, but I insist that none of you girls remove them. And Charli, before you ask, you're says—"

"'Demon'. I know. I had to look it up when I was reading one of Jiraiya's journals. Personally I think it's one of the prettier ones. Thank you Pein, you're awesome and I love you," she rose up on her toes and gave him a hug around her neck and he, in turn, gave her a light pat on the back.

Fortunately, no one but Deidara, Hidan, Leah, and Claire were witness to this sudden, somewhat uncharacteristic, display of affection from the Akatsuki leader and the miniature evil genius. After Hidan's constant marriage proposals to Claire and Deidara's slightly overprotective love for Leah, neither of them was in a position to tease him, so they just went off to get changed.

"Leader," Leah said, rubbing the back of her neck. "I know that this is going to sound a little awkward but I feel like I should thank you for all that you've done for us. I mean, you didn't really have to do any of this so…yeah, thanks. I wish there was something we could do to make it up to you."

"Your eternal servitude will suffice," Pein answered jokingly.

"Oh, by the way, what does Eva's ring say?" Claire asked.

Pein smiled. "'Idiot.'"

XxX

They spent the next hour in the plaza just next to Starbucks, enjoying their coffee and the treats they had bought for themselves. It was surprising how quickly everything had gone back to their sense of 'normal'. It was almost as if the entire situation with Konoha had been forgotten; it wasn't, but it was too much to think about at one time. So much had happened over the past two weeks. The Konoha ninja had figured out their association with the Akatsuki, and Eva, Leah, and Claire were kidnapped and they met the Hokage and all the heroes of Konoha and went to a festivals with said ninja and then were kidnapped by Sasuke and then stole Karin's glasses and braided Juugo's hair and then Claire and Eva were taken by Suigetsu back to Konoha and Leah was left alone with Sasuke and everyone was emo until the Akatsuki came and rescued them and then Hidan accidently kissed Claire and Eva and Kisame were handcuffed together and then they went on missions and Eva was mentally scarred, Leah got amnesia and somehow started dating Deidara, and Claire rejected Hidan a total of seventy-four times and after the missions they went to an onsen it was awkward but they succeeded in planning the mission that was executed only hours ago.

However, none of them could really seem to dwell on that at the moment, for more drama awaited them when they arrived back at the house.

Jason threw a sponge at Hidan's head. "CLEAN!"

Hidan viciously ripped the bright yellow sponge in half and shoved it in his mouth. "NO!"

He declared as loudly as he could with his mouth being full.

Jason blinked, several times. "You just ate Spongebob."

"Aww, tartar sauce," Kisame said, snapping his fingers.

Pein briefly wondered if that impact of the sponge had caused another metaphorical gear in Hidan's head to break. It was likely. He turned his attention to Jason. "I'll have them fix it."

Jason seemed to accept this and apologized to Hidan.

Hidan swallowed the sponge. "It's cool," he growled, sounding more lukewarm than cool.

"As a doctor, I'd have to say that probably wasn't wise," Jason said slowly.

Hidan shrugged.

Jenny and Nicole ran into the entryway, having heard the Akatsuki reenter the house and escaping their closet prison. "Okay, dudes, what, like, just happened?" Jenny asked.

"Pilot for a new MTV prank show. It catches on camera what a real life reaction to a movie-type scene would be; we volunteered this house for filming. It's doubtful it'll ever get on TV though," Kisame said simply.

"Ohhhh!" Nicole said. "Now everything makes sense."

Jenny too accepted this answer. "Oh, Jason, Rachel called while we were hiding. Apparently she took Tracey to the vet today and she's pregnant! Isn't that great Jason? Now we're going to have Tracey-puppies!"

"Really?! Maybe one of them could eat Durham!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"I want one!" Tobi said. He grabbed Leader's arm. "I really want a puppy!"

Leah glanced around. "Speaking of the Durham, where is the little bastard?"

"Maybe he accidently got transported to Konoha," Deidara whispered, vaguely remembering the dog's barking during the fight. He hadn't been seen or heard of since then, and it was unlikely that he had gone to Starbucks.

Jason shrugged. "He'll show up. Unfortunately. Evil things have a tendency to never die."

"Oh by the way," Hidan said suddenly. "Where are our goddamn presents?"

Eva raised an eyebrow in confusion and tilted her head. "What?"

"You promised us Christmas presents, what, two weeks ago? That's the whole reason I came here in the first place. I want my goddamn present," he paused. "Better yet, you don't have to give me one if Claire marries me."

"No."

"Damn."

Eva smiled and started to pull Kisame into the kitchen. "We should make a nice dinner since we didn't really get to have a proper Christmas."

Leah, Claire, Charli, and Jason went off to gather the Christmas presents they had gotten for the criminal organization, hoping they were all still intact after all the mayhem that had occurred at the house.

"Even though they're all idiots," Kakuzu began as the Californians left the group to the desolate room with the substantially damaged, but somehow still vertical Christmas tree, "I kind of like them."

"Me too," Zetsu added. Eerily, his black half smiled in agreement.

Pein and Konan glanced at each other. They too were sharing in this contagious and rare smile fest. "As weird as they are," Konan said, "I think they give us an unusual sense of family."

They looked around the room, where the other members, unaware of this warm little conversation, were beginning to pick up. Several months ago, it would have been unimaginable that they would…well, in any way it was unimaginable, starting with the fact that they now had friends outside of the organization. Not that friendships were common within the Akatsuki, but now they all shared a mutual liking (or at least a tolerance) for these three girls and their family. Because now, as Konan had said, they were family.

xXx

Eva stood in the kitchen, her belt against the counter as she tapped her fingernails next to the recipe she was staring at, which was sitting on the counter to the left of the refrigerator. "Kisame? Do we have butter?"

"Uhh...yes," he replied, after the sucking sound of the plastic door being opened came and went.

"Do we have...uh...cheese?"

"Didn't you just go to the store a few days ago? Why wouldn't we?"

"Jason," he replied.

"Good point." Nevertheless, she spun around him and over to the refrigerator and stared blankly at the closed door for a few seconds. "Okay good, he didn't eat it all. And milk, too." She spun across him and back over to the counter to stare at the recipe again. "Oh! Right. Flour!"

"You seem distracted," Kisame probed. "Even for you. What's up?"

She smiled internally at his attentiveness but kept her face neutral. "Eh. Just wondering how often you guys are going to be around after we get the handcuffs off and now that we're done with the whole Konoha thing." She got the flour down from the cabinet with her baking things above her and started measuring out the amount that needed to go in the mixing bowl.

"Who knows? We'll stop by when we get bored or need a break from missions or something. We get vacations occasionally."

She added the other dry ingredients. That had been about what she'd expected, but she kept her disappointment a secret as well. "Hmm. Yeah. I guess."

He didn't seem to pick up on it. "What're you making?" He looked out of the corner of his eye at the recipe, which he had ignored until this point.

A huge, malicious grin spread across her face. "Biscuits."

"Biscuits?" He seemed dubious. "Really? That's the amazing side dish you had planned?"

"Do not doubt the awesomeness of my biscuits. They can't be matched. When I was younger, and lived with my mom, people in the neighborhood would commission me to make biscuits."

He laughed. "Well now my expectations are high. If those biscuits are bad I don't think I'll be able to forgive you."

"Oh they'll be good. I promise. I don't even feel pressured since you said that. Not at all." Her grip on the wooden stick she was using to stir together the powdery mix tightened. She put the wet ingredients (retrieved from the refrigerator) in a smaller bowl and mixed the two together, eyes flickering back and forth.

He observed with a smirk. "Not at all?"

"Nope. Not a bit. See?" Eva grabbed a fist-full of flour, and threw it in Kisame's general direction. The blue shark man had his eyes closed and coughed out a cloud of white dust. "I'm so not stressed that I threw flour at you. Flour I would need for a...uh...new batch thing...if...." she had to stop, her eyes growing wide. Kisame had a rather evil, amused look on his face.

"You know not what you have done."

"Uh...uh..."

Kisame started walking forward, with her retreating as fast as she could due to their anchorage, deliberately heading towards the flour on her left. Eva realized this and thrust her hand backwards to grab it. They got there at the same time because she was closer, but he easily took it out of her grasp. "Okay, now...Kisame?" she began hesitantly, tip-toeing backwards slowly, until she was as far as the handcuffs would allow, lest she dislocate her shoulder. "Please keep in mind that I'm useless and not a ninja and not very old and rather small."

"Oh, I know. I haven't forgotten that. That's what's going to make this so entertaining."

He kept advancing, and she squeaked. "Kisame!"

The blue monster closed his hand, moved it over Eva's hand, and turned it upside down, all in one fluid motion. It coated her front, piling up in the wrinkles on her shirt and the top of her head and practically plastering over her face. This, fortunately, jogged her memory. Now armed with the knowledge that flour couldn't actually injure her, she walked closer to him, giving him a giant hug so he had a near-equal amount of flour coating him. While he frowned at her, she grabbed an egg from the counter and cracked it on the counter.

"Eva..."

She smiled.

"Be reasonable. Again, you're forgetting who you're trying to have a food-fight with, aren't you?"

"Oh I know exactly what I'm doing." She giggled, and then opened the egg with the same hand she thrust her hand forward. The slimy, raw liquid ran down the front of his face.

Eva's nervous-excited giggling tumbled into full-on laughter, and was only amplified when she suddenly had two raw eggs smeared on her. There was then milk, and salt, and sugar, and cinnamon, and pretty much everything within their reach.

XxX

So it turned out dinner included no biscuits, as Kisame and Eva had used up the entire supply of anything biscuit related with their immature squabble. They sat at the table, occasionally giggling when they found a stripe of white goo smeared on the other's neck, attempting to look solemn when Jason caught their eyes. He was a bit irked that his house had been hurricane'd and food-fight'd in the same day. But other than his initial confrontation with Hidan, he had said nothing and assumed the messes would be cleaned up eventually.

The real reason for his silence was actually the feast that had been prepared. Leah and Claire, notified to the commotion in the kitchen, had taken over dinner while Eva and Kisame cleaned up. When she had returned, the four of them had worked together to produce some store bought rolls, under an insulating cloth napkin, two oven-cooked chickens, a large bowl of creamy mashed potatoes, and various other baked goods. The Akatsuki and other residents of the house (Jason having invited Rachel, seeing as her sisters were already present) slowly filtered into the dining room.

The atmosphere was as relaxed and animated as if Konoha had never happened. Everyone was in the good humor of Christmas spirit, even forgetting to a point that it was already a good chunk of the way into the New Year. There was no more flinging of food (even Hidan was safe from Claire, as there were no pancake-like projectiles with which she could answer his marriage proposals), but a casual discussion of resolutions and a few anecdotes. Kisame tried once or twice to tell the Tale of the Red Socks to no avail, and then loudly announced that he had given up and no one would ever be able to know the secret, no matter how hard they pleaded. This was met with laughter by the few who were paying attention (who were indeed few.)

After dinner they piled a stack nearly to the ceiling of dishes on the counter and in the sink, deciding to leave it to the members of the cleaning spree that would commence the next day. They then crowded into the living room, some of them sitting on the steps, many on the floor, a few on the skewed couches, all after clearing away the debris that had accumulated during the eradication jutsu.

Rachel started a fire in the fire place and put on some soft Christmas music to set the mood while the girls dug into the large pile of shiny wrapped presents under the decrepit tree. They passed them out to their respective recipients, occasionally arguing about which one went to which and wondering why they hadn't bothered to add labels. After slapping a few prematurely excited hands away from a sparkly bow or taped end, everyone had their gifts.

"Most of the gifts were Leah's idea," Claire said, fidgeting. "Me and Eva suck at coming up with gift ideas."

"Some of them are kind of retarded too," Leah added.

Itachi looked particularly bewildered as to his gift. "I can't read it," he admitted, holding up a small box to the light.

Eva giggled, "They're vision correcting contacts. And they're colored so you don't have to wear glasses all the time. We thought the blue would look nice with your hair."

"And the DaVinci code. I heard it was about conspiracies, so we figured you'd appreciate it," Claire said.

Whatever response the Uchiha might have added was cut off by roars of laughter from Kisame. Everyone looked at him to see him holding up a pair of red socks. "I'm still not telling you guys the story," he grinned.

"But we care so much!" Claire pleaded sarcastically. He scowled but pulled off his shoes to exchange his white socks for the red ones, wiggling his large toes happily. Despite the darkness of the room, lit only by the Christmas tree's lights, a few candles, and the fire, he was wearing a pair of expensive sunglasses the girls had also gotten him, for lack of a better gift idea. Eva blushed a little, thinking he looked particularly dashing.

"Yay! Tobi got a DS and a Pokemon game!" the excited ninja hugged the nearest person, who happened to be Hidan. Hidan growled and pushed him off as he pulled the last bit of paper off his gift to reveal a plain white box. He lifted the lid cautiously to look inside and immediately groaned.

"This is a fucking joke, right?" he complained, holding it up. Inside was a beautifully bedazzled silver butterfly hair clip.

"I think I got yours, Hidan," Konan volunteered, holding up Grand Theft Auto 4.

"Uhh, yeah," Leah said, quickly getting up to switch the gifts. "I think it rated second or something on the most violent video games. You get to run over old ladies and stuff."

The immortal smirked. "That's more like it." Konan exchanged the flower in her hair for the butterfly and examined her other gift, a tiny piece of plastic she would have mistaken as a scrap if it hadn't been inside a box labeled "iPod Shuffle". Hidan was flipping through his other gift, a book from ThinkGeek called "The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You".

Pein, meanwhile, had extracted from a mess of cherubic angels a Blackberry phone, which Charli was eyeing enviously. Deidara was off in his own little world, isolated by some Bose sound-cancelling headphones and playing with a glob of green Play Doh.

"I'm happy," announced Kakuzu, flipping through a large stack of money. They had purposefully exchanged his gift for all ones so it would fill up a decently sized suitcase and appear to be more than it was. Buying presents for 9 Akatsuki members and their families had set them back a bit.

Zetsu's gift had been the cheapest, yet the girls felt it would probably be the best enjoyed. As he flipped through the seed packages of several exotic plants, he was grinning peacefully, unaware that the rest of his gift was not inside the house. "Zetsu," Eva said. He looked up. "We also decided to donate our garden to you. We figured you would take better care of it than we could anyway."

"Thank you," he said simply. Although it was nothing like an ecstatic scream or a bone-crushing hug, the girls knew he meant that sincerely, and despite the corniness of some of their gifts, were filled with a sense of warmth as they watched the dangerous criminals excitedly fawn over their presents.

"This was a very nice gesture, girls, thank you," Pein reiterated.

There was an awkward chorus of gratitude from the others, and the girls couldn't help but be reminded of a class of kindergarteners thanking their teacher for snack time, or something similarly childish.

Hidan picked his way through the mess of wrapping paper and piled knickknacks to Claire, who crossed her arms and sighed. "Don't steal Christmas."

"Fucking pagan holiday," he dismissed. "Now look, a man can DIE from a broken heart! So you can't say no again."

"Hidan, that's just a picture of a heart. The caption says 'arrhythmias'," Claire pointed out dully.

He snapped the book shut. "I don't care. Marry me."

Claire assumed a dopey, gleeful face. "Okay, sure!"

"YES!" the Jashinist roared, throwing his hands in the air triumphantly and calling everyone's attention to himself.

The girl stared after him as he jumped around the room. "Wait, no—this is the part where you say 'Really?' and I say 'No!', you can't do that!"

"Too late, you already said yes!"

"Fuck you, you know I would never say yes!"

"But you did!"

"I'M NOT GONNA FUCKING MARRY YOU."

"SHE SAID YE-ES, SHE SAID YE-ES!"

Leah and Eva were laughing hysterically, along with Charli, Jenny, and Nicole, despite the fact that they probably had no idea what was going on. Sitting among their friends, watching as Claire now attempted to impale the jovial Hidan with a fire poker, they didn't really care that their house was in shambles. They didn't care that their vacation had been one long kidnapping, albeit under different supervision. It didn't occur to them that they'd spent the last two weeks in an alternate universe under circumstances that might have driven normal people crazy. They were among their friends, and life was good.

"Hey Eva, I just thought of something."

"Hmm?"

Leah smiled as she surveyed the scene before her. "When are we going to die?"

xXx

Tsunade stared at her door. Her eyes flicked to the window, then the wall, unwilling to settle on the mountain of papers that were piled on her desk. She spotted the picture on the wall and decided to focus on that for a little while. It was a pond painted on sheets of bamboo. The water was surrounded by dry brushed green plants, which complemented the frog next to the fisherman nicely.

She frowned, eyes fixed on the small amphibian. Dammit. Frogs. Frogs reminded her of Jiraiya. Groaning loudly, she thrust her arms out onto the desk, dislodging several stacks of folders as she did so. She didn't care though, fuck the papers, there were bigger matters at hand.

The news she had received yesterday from the shamed Jiraiya had probably prompted most of the paperwork in the first place. Or maybe it was just built up from all the times she had procrastinated on it. Tsunade couldn't remember, and she grimaced as the thought briefly crossed her mind that maybe she should listen to Shizune once in a while.

As if the fates had been spying on her, a knock at her door brought Shizune into the room. Tsunade quickly struggled to organize the crumpled stacks, though there were enough on the floor to discredit her efforts entirely. She sighed again. "Good morning, Shizune."

"Nice to see you working, Tsunade-sama," the girl said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, well, what brings you here to disturb my work?"

Shizune straightened up noticeably, clutching a small piece of paper in her hands. "This note was discovered by one of the guards at the gate today." Without further explanation, she handed said note to her superior, who quizzically took it in her long-nailed fingers.

Dear Konoha,

You'll probably have figured out—at least by the end of this note—who this is, so we won't bother introducing ourselves.

As they had predicted, Tsunade already had a hunch.

We know you probably hate us, but we feel obligated to explain our situation to you, seeing as there are some things you may have overlooked.

"Surprise me," the hokage muttered under her breath.

We know the Akatsuki are murders. We know they do terrible things and kill people and do irrational things like try to take over the world. We know that. But they're our friends. If it makes any difference, we had considered you to be our friends too, for a little while at least. Just because we associate with them doesn't mean we're evil as well. It doesn't justify you to attack us. It doesn't give you the right to come into our home and threaten our loved ones, or to kidnap us.

We know you probably think it does, and can understand why. Going by your rules, you did the right thing. But when you come to our world, you have to go by our rules.

There were dots of ink and scribbles here, as if the person or persons writing it had hesitated or disagreed on what to say next.

Here's what we propose: you operate however you want in your world. We feel that's how it should be. But our world is off-limits to fighting. We aren't harboring them here as fugitives. Think about it this way—what could we do about them, even if we wanted to? You know we have no significant strength in any field. Even your ninja couldn't beat them.

Tsunade winced and tensed up, but kept reading.

What else could we do but befriend them? This isn't to say we don't enjoy their company—we do. Even if you think they're evil, we still like them. Even the worst people can be nice to their friends. Just think about that.

In the bottom right corner of the page were three poorly drawn kanji. She squinted at them and held the paper closer to her eyes. The first one was…'Chicken'? The second was 'Idiot'…well, whatever. The third……Buddhist nun. Tsunade frowned. "Shizune."

Shizune, who had been staring out the window, snapped to attention. "Yes, Tsunade-sama?"

"What do you make of this?"

The girl hesitated and looked down at her toes briefly. "I think it's a declaration of neutrality. Informally, of course."

Tsunade leaned back in her chair and she too gazed out of the window. It was a warm day, but not hot. The tops of the buildings sparkled in the sun, and cries of children playing in the street rose to her ears as they kicked up the dust of the roads. She watched the birds fly by the tops of the trees, standing out against the cloudless aqua sky. "Me too," she said.

THE END.

Author's Note:

Claire: I'm not sobbing like a moron this time.

Cuz I know something you don't ha ha ha ha ha haaaa :P And you won't correctly guess what it is, so don't try.

I love you guys so much though. I love all of you that have stuck with this story through the three years it's taken us to finish, especially with our excruciatingly slow pace. You're terrific, all of you. Thank you so much, we'd never have done it without you. If you were on dA, I'd donate you all a bunch of llamas.

Speaking of dA, I made a picture. It's quite lame, but you could check it out if you wanted to LAUGH AT MY FAIL. :D See our profile for a link.

I love you all again hearts and hearts and hearts!

Leah: This story has been a great and wonderfully fun project for all of us. It has provided us with lots of laughs and inside jokes.

Readers, I adore you. Thank you for all the support and reviews over the years. You're all amazing and I hope when/if we post more in the future, that you'll continue to be awesome.

Lots of love! –makes heart shape with hands-