"Alright Dr. Grey, Let's see what you can do," I could tell he was smiling through his mask as he came in, I went over the steps in my head over and over again. I waited until he got beside me, I could feel his breath on my neck. I was starting to get nervous.
"There's no way she can pull it off," I heard someone in the gallery say and I looked up. I took a deep breath.
'Just Breathe Mer'
"Scalpel," I channeled the inner Grey and took control, sort of. I took the scalpel and slid it across the marks on the lower abdomen. Nothing.
'Crap'
"Push harder Grey, or can you not even cut a guy's skin open?" He snickered and my blood started to boil. I pushed down harder with the scalpel and the skin came open.
"Pickups," I ordered and the nurse handed them to me. I held open the tissue as I cut through the rest of the abdominal muscles. The room was silent as I continued.
"Clamps," I grabbed them from the nurse and placed them where the large intestine and appendix met.
"I'm there," I smirked through my mask. I knew I could do it.
'Wow Grey," Dr Shepherd scoffed, "Farther than I thought you would make it, now can you actually remove it?"
I continued working, despite his scoffs that were completely annoying. like he had no faith in me at all.
"Scalpel," I asked and the nurse gave it to me. I cut the appendix out and one of the nurse held out a bin as I threw the appendix into the bin and it made a loud clank. I jumped a bit but continued my composure as I looked up, some people looked surprised, others looked upset, but George and Cristina looked proud and that was all I needed.
"Appendix is out," I said with a sigh of relief. It was almost over.
"Wow Grey, now all you have to do is invert the stump into the cecum and simultaneously pull up on the purse strings, or is that to hard for you?" He scoffed again. His scoffs were getting annoying.
'Just one more... SHIT!'
Just as I got caught up into my thoughts, my hand slipped and I pulled too hard on one of the strings and they broke.
"Damn it, I thought you could do this!" Dr Shepherd yelled, "What are you suppose to do now?" He said in a hurry.
I couldn't move I was frozen, what do I do?
'I knew you couldn't do it,' I heard my mother's voice seep through my thoughts then immediately I remembered what I had to do. I've seen my mother do this before, except she didn't rip the strings.
"What are you suppose to do now? You have a bleeder and the abdomen filling with stool," He said getting more anxious. He sounded as if he wanted and expected me to fail. I sat for a minute, trying to think of what exactly to do before I remembered.
"Suction," I said louder than I expected. One of the scrub nurse started to suction as I searched through and found the purse strings. I quickly re-stitched them and managed to stop the bleeding. I finished stitching up the patient and bandaged him up.
"Good job Grey," he said in a less enthusiastic tone. He was surprised - Hell I was surprised too. He walked out of the OR and started scrubbing out.
After I became aware that I had really done it, I was overcome by a feeling of happiness that I had never felt. In recent years I have felt nothing more than sadness, pain and uncertainty.
Of course, there were days when I had fun, but everything had changed since that one day.
'Don't think about it. Be happy and enjoy it'
When Dr. Shepherd was gone, I started scrubbing out - if Ellis would be proud of me? At that moment it didn't matter. I, Meredith Grey had finished a successful surgery. I went to Cristina and George, who were waiting for me outside the scrub room.
"You kicked ass!" Cristina grinned.
"You did great, Meredith." George wanted to hug me, but I pulled back- hugs were scary. I didn't know, how to handle them.
The next four hours passed without major events. Bailey made me realize that she still hated me even though I had made a good surgery - I didn't care though, I felt good.
'Dr. Meredith Grey '
I would be a good surgeon, no matter what Ellis said.
As I stood hunched over a chart at the nurses station, and scribbled something into it, my pager went off - what did Richard wanted from me?
'Maybe he wants to congratulate you on the successful surgery?'
I quickly wrote my notes, and made my way to Richard's office.
Suddenly I saw Dr. Shepherd. As our eyes met, I had the feeling that he looked sad. Then, in less than a second, his glance was quite hard and impenetrable - as he wasn't able to show emotions.
He ran past me and disappeared around the corner.
'For some reason he hates you'
Actually, I was sure that he would be pleased that I, despite my mistake in the OR, I coped the situation - but it seemed, as if it would have made him even more furious.
'Why is he like that?'
It couldn't be the coffee.
Carefully, I knocked on the door that led into Richard's office.
"Come in." I went in. Richard was sitting in front of me and smiled from ear to ear.
"Take a seat, Meredith." He said kindly.
I obeyed, and sat down on a chair across from him. "Why did you page me?" I was curious.
He squeezed my hand gently and said in a low voice. "Dr. Bailey told me about the surgery. I'm sorry that I could not be there. You were good, she said, and I know that. You are one of the best in this program."
These words drove tears of joy in my eyes - Richard had always been more interested in me than my own mother. "Thank you, Richard." I looked down. I didn't know, what to say.
"You stayed calm in a difficult situation and have reminded you of what you've learned. I'm so proud of you," He stood up and walked to the window, which showed the view of a cloudy sky - A typical day in Seattle.
The silence was broken by a loud noise - someone opened the door. "Good thing you're here! I'm so disappointed in you" Shouted Ellis angrily at me - what had I done?
Richard looked at me helplessly. "Ellis, come in." He took off her jacket.
I didn't dare to look at her - I would never be good enough.
"An appendectomy, a simple surgery! You are a disgrace to me! Now everyone will know that my daughter is not able to take an appendix out."
From tears of joy, I cried tears of guilt - I was a worthless person.
"Ellis!" Hissed Richard. "Everyone is enthusiastic about Meredith." He wanted to hold her, but she pushed him away.
"Everyone is enthusiastic? I can't believe that. Dr. Shepherd has called me and told me, you've broken a string!" She was off the wall.
With a tear choked voice I replied. "I re-stitched them..the patient is alive! I did nothing wrong .." The last words I whispered.
"You did nothing wrong? You almost killed the patient! You're not a good surgeon Meredith. You should not be surprised when Richard throws you out of the program. Now get out of my sight. "
"Meredith" Richard came up to me, but I opened the door and ran away - I should have known. I would never be good.
'You're a disgrace. You are not worth anything '
At that time, he probably thought the same.
"Thank you Ellis, I just thought you should hear it from me," I sighed through the phone.
"Oh no, thank you Dr. Shepherd, you did the right thing, goodbye," I could hear the disappointment in her voice as she hung up the phone. A part of me didn't even want to tell her but my impulse made me, she should know. I felt my pager go off, I looked down and saw who it was, Richard. I turned it off and made my way up to his office.
"Derek, come in," he motioned inward as I came in.
"If this is about Dr. Grey, then I don't need to hear it," I sat down in the chair, adjusting my coat.
"Derek, this is of course about Dr. Grey, I told you not to let her do the surgery but you disobeyed my orders," he spat angerly. I didn't understand why he was angry because she made it though unlike most people.
"She passed, you know most interns fail during that surgery but she didn't," I stood up and walked back toward the window and glanced out at the gloomy sky.
"I knew she wouldn't, she is just like her mother. She is probably the one who shows the most promise in this years interns but you don't get to push her, that is the last thing she needs," he sounded bitter, like there was something wrong with her.
"I don't understand, why would she become a surgeon if she didn't want the pressure?" I looked confused at him, he made no sense.
"Derek, it doesn't not concern you, just back off of her, you of all people should understand the need for..." was all he got out before there was a knock on the door and it opened, appeared Meredith.
"Come in Meredith," Richard said and I watched her, I felt the guilt inside me rise up before I quickly pushed it back down and walked out of the office. I made my way to the nurses station where Mark was standing filling out charts.
"Hey Derek," Mark looked up briefly.
"Hey, these interns are terrible," I scoff and he stops and looks up at me.
"Or maybe you are just being an ass," He informs me.
"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"
"That means not to treat them like they are incapable of doing anything, they spent four years in medical school and it's our job to teach them," Mark turned and looked at me.
"What the hell are you talk about, I have no problems with interns, I just don't trust they are capable to save lives yet," I spat back at him.
"Then what was that in the OR earlier, the intern saved that persons life and you act like she killed the guy," he answered back.
"That was luck and she needs to learn how to do one of the most basic procedures."
"Look, I know just because and intern was working on Rebecca you think-" I cut him off before he continued.
"This has nothing to do with Rebecca, do not mention her again, do you understand me," I spat, rage came through my body.
"Sorry man, it's been five years and I have no idea what it's like for you but you need to leave that in the past, just don't do anything you will regret," Mark said calmly.
"I know your trying to help but you aren't, and I'm fine, I'll try is all I can say, I'm going home," I walked off before he had a chance to say anything.
'None of this was about Rebecca, I don't understand why he would think that.'
I walk back to my office and start changing into my shirt and jeans, I start thinking about her.
'Why the hell did Mark have to say anything.'
After I finish getting dressed, there is a knock on my door and it's opened by a squealing little girl.
"Uncle Derek!" The little girl exclaims as she runs in, barreling toward me. Her red hair bounces as she is running.
"Grace," I smile as I lift her into my arms. Her blue eyes stare into mine as she smiles. Somehow she can always seem to make my day better.
"Where is your mom?" I ask and she shrugs.
"She was behind me, den she was talking to daddy so I came to see you," she has her arms around my neck as she begins talking about daycare.
"There you are!" Addison smiles as she comes into my office after a minute.
"Hi mommy, Uncle Derek said I can go home with him," she then looks up into my eyes.
"Oh Grace, I never said that," I laugh as the she tries to convince her mom.
"Well you can't go home with Uncle Derek because you have gymnastics, remember?" Addison reminds her.
"But, Uncle Derek can take me," she bats her eyelashes at her mom.
"No Grace, maybe this weekend you can go spend the night with uncle Derek," Addison says.
"Here, how about Friday, I come and pick you up from daycare and we spend the day together and you can come stay the night at my house?" I ask and her eyes light up.
"Can he do that mommy, please?" She begs.
"Sure, now we got to get going, Tell uncle Derek bye," Addison sighs.
"Bye Uncle Derek," She kisses my cheek and giggles as I put her down.
"Bye Grace, see you later," I wave as she leaves. That little girl can always seem to brighten my day. I grab my phone and things before going out the door and locking my office back. I climb into my truck and drive across the street to the bar. The place is already packed as I make my way to the bar.
"Hey Joe," I sit down on the bar stool.
"Hey Doc, the usual?" He asks and I nod.