Don't trust anyone
you will regret it!

I have to trust
otherwise I am alone
with all my fears
and concerns.

At the end, there's just one person, who earns my trust.

I have no pride
I miss the freedom
I have no words.

You destroyed me

It's dark outside, the moon shines bright and dives everything in a diffuse light.
His steps are drowned out by the loud music - the party is still in full swing, which is not surprising.
The night is young, everyone has fun. Through the slightly opened window, I can hear happy voices.
I enjoy the solitude, I need some time to myself.
Suddenly the door opens, and he stumbles into my room.

"Are you asleep?" His breath smells like alcohol.

I grab the blanket that lays beside me, and cover my body with it. Somehow I feel uncomfortable.

"Hello?" His face is slightly red, and he sits down next to me. "I asked you a question."

Why I haven't told him that he shouldn't drink too much? "I'm still awake." I whisper softly.

"That's good." He grins at me. It is not the smile which I know and love, it scares me. He looks like a cat that is about to catch its prey.

I curl into a ball and stare at the wall. I act, as if I would fall asleep.

"Oh no." He whispers in my ear. "Today, I get what I want."

I swallow. He doesn't mean, what I think?

Without warning, he pulls the blanket off and throws it on the floor. I lie there, dressed only in shorts and a top. The gentle breeze let
me shiver. I don't move. I'm just waiting.
Someone turns the music louder. The voices I've heard before, are silent. The only thing I can clearly hear, is my irregular breathing.
I'm not ready.

"Relax." He pants. "You'll like it."

I shake my head to tell him, that I can't do it yet. I wish I could tell him, but no words are coming out of my mouth.

"You don't want to relax?" He looks at me angrily. "Up to you."

He grabs my shoulders and turns me hard on my back.
"Stop." I whimper. That is all I can say at this moment.

"Trust me." I want to tear myself away from him, but he grabs my wrists and holds them above my head. "Don't move. Don't tell me, that you don't like it." He kisses my neck and slids his free hand under my top to my breasts.
I'm not wearing a bra, so there's no more material in the way.
He digs his fingernails deep into my flesh. I suck in a sharp breath. Why does he hurt me?

I kick my feet, to get away from him. He scares me. What is he going to do? Tears are burning in my eyes. I'm trying to get my hands out of his grasp.

His eyes narrows to slits. "Stop it!" He let go of my wrists and hits me hard in the face, so that my head rolls to the side. I have no more control. I
feel weak and alone.
"I won't hurt you. But if you keep moving, I have no choice. "He looks at me sadly.
I just nod and close my eyes. The tears fall, but I'm dumb.

"Dr. Grey!" Someone shook me.

"No, no, no!" I raised my hands to push the person away. "I can't." I whimpered. Why it didn't stop?

"You have to wake up." The person didn't stop to shake me.

I was afraid to open my eyes. Hot tears flowed down my cheeks - I could hardly breathe. "Please..don't." I begged.
When I finally opened my eyes, I realized that I was in an on call room.

"Is everything ok?"
'What's he doing here?'
I had not expected to look into the worried eyes of Dr. Shepherd.? What did he want from me?
'Perhaps you've done something wrong, and he was looking for you, to yell at you?'

I turned on my side so that I didn't have to look into his blue eyes. "I'm fine." I muttered quietly.
'stop crying'

He laughed harshly. "Don't lie to me. I don't know any person, who cries, when she's okay. "

Anger rose up in me. He had called Ellis and told her about the surgery. He was responsible for ensuring that my mother hated me even more and was mad at me. He had made sure that I felt so bad. And then he had the balls to tell me, how I felt? Seriously?

I swallowed my tears and turned to him. "I'm fine." I hissed.
Why had he found me in this moment?
'You shouldn't have slept'
I decided not to sleep during work. These nightmares I had almost every night, drove me out of my mind.

He pulled me out of my thoughts. "Those dreams...do you have them often?" He wanted to know.

I didn't want to talk about my nightmares, I just wanted to forget them.
'Only dreams, Meredith. Don't let them destroy your life'
He should leave me alone with this issue. "No."

"Hmm." He walked toward the door. "I just wanted to tell you, that you're scrubbing in with Dr. Sloan and I." When I looked into his eyes, the cold look was back.
What had I done wrong?

"Oh." My body was still shaking.

He shook his head and looked at me for several minutes. Somehow I had the feeling that he was angry and sad - but why?
"I want to see you in half an hour in Mrs. Parkers room." He closed the door loudly behind him.

If I had enough time, I would have gone to Cristina - I felt the need to talk to someone about it.
'Someone? You've only her'
That was true. A life without Cristina was unimaginable for me. She was the only one who knew the truth, and the only one who would ever know.

"Have you seen Dr. Grey?" I ask the nurse standing by the nurse's station.

"I haven't, sorry Dr. Shepherd," The nurse said quietly, I was certain most of the nurses were scared of me, I still haven't figured out completely why.

"Thanks," I nodded walking off. Passing one of the on-call rooms, I heard a cry and I quickly figured out which one and went inside. My insides felt sick, it reminded me of how Mark said I was in the beginning after the accident.
'Was this really what I was like?' I questioned, watching the person lay there, shaking in fear. Soon I noticed that it was Dr Grey. I decided to wake up her, I slightly shook her.

"Dr. Grey," I whispered as I shook her lightly, I tried to hide the fear in my eyes as I shook her awake.

"No. No. No!" she whimpered, trying to push me away but I wouldn't let her.

"Dr. Grey, you have to wake up," I said again, continuing to shake her gently.

"Please don't," she begged and my heart began to break. Tears fell from closed eyes and when she finally opened them, her eyes looked as if she had just been awaken by a monster.
'What could have happened to her to cause her such pain and nightmares?'

"Is everything alright?" I questioned, knowing something was seriously wrong.

She turned to her side, facing the wall, "I'm fine," she whispered.

I laughed, not intentionally, "Don't lie to me. I don't know any person, who cries, when she's okay."

She quickly sat up and looked at me, she was angry and my face quickly returned to the natural blank stare as her tears had stopped.

"I said I am fine!" She hissed, seeming as if she didn't want anything to help her and I wasn't just going to leave her helpless.

"Those dreams... do you have them often?" I asked after she had been silent for a minute.

She shook her head, "No."

I nodded, knowing she was lying. A part of me wanted to help her but I couldn't, I couldn't be involved with another woman, especially an intern. I walked to the door and turned to look at her, "I just wanted to tell you, that you're scrubbing in with Dr. Sloan and I."

"Oh..." I watched as her body still shook from fear.

I shook my head, watching another person suffer like that was terrifying, and extremely sad. I remembered how down I was at that point in my life and how I felt, knowing that one day she will get help, "I want to see you in half an hour in Mrs. Parkers room."

I turned and left the room, leaving her there to think. Maybe now that she knows someone else may find out, she will get help... hopefully.

With hasty steps, I went to the nurses' station and asked for the chart.
"Only 15 minutes." I grumbled.
I knew my luck. My day would end badly. Dr. Shepherd hated me. But maybe I could show Dr. Sloan, that I was good.
I made up my mind to give my best. When I made no mistake this time, then Ellis would perhaps rejoice, and show me some credit. Finally, I was a surgeon.
'And you're a good surgeon'
The distraction was good for me. I pushed the thoughts of the nightmare away and read the chart.
When I entered the room, Dr. Sloan and Dr. Shepherd were already there.

"Um. Hi. "I said carefully, and stood at the end of the bed of Mrs. Parker.

"You're late, Dr. Grey." There it was again, the evil eye.

"Derek." Dr. Sloan looked at him annoyed. "Enough. We should prepare Mrs. Parker for the surgery."

He nodded. "She probably didn't read the chart."
'Should I yell at him?'
I was glad that the hearing of our patient was not all too well. "I read it, Dr. Shepherd." Actually, I wanted to sound confident, but I felt powerless.

"What?" He asked a little louder. "I did not hear you."

"Derek, that is enough." Dr. Sloan warned him.

"I." I wanted to speak, but he interrupted me with a brief gesture.

"Sorry." He whispered now. "She has a headache, what you should know, if you had read the chart. Maybe we should all take a lesson from you, and talk as
quietly as you? "He nodded. "Yes, that's a good idea. Just that when you speak so softly she can't hear you. So, can you speak a little louder? Or is that too much for you? Are you too tired?"
He was now very close to me. Instinctively I stepped back a few steps and began.

"Emily Parker, 38, complained of hearing loss in the left ear, headaches and dizziness. The MRI has shown that an acoustic neuroma has formed, which has the size of 3.5 cm x 4cm. Due to the fact that the brain stem has been moved to the right, the only way to remove the tumor, is to operate it. " With every word my voice became a little louder.

"Right." Said Dr. Sloan in a whisper and he smiled kindly at me.

"Do you have any questions, Mrs. Parker?" I whispered, as they told me I should to help her headache.

"You're operating with them, right?" She looked at me intently.

"Um..Yes." I played with my watch.

"If something goes wrong." A tear felt down. "Tell my husband and my son that I love them. Jason turned five yesterday. "She smiled sadly.
"If there are complications, it's ok. If I don't make it, please tell them, promise?"

Why was life just so unfair?
'Don't lose your self-control'

I cleared my throat. Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Sloan looked at me expectantly. "I promise, Emily." I took her hand and squeezed it gently. "We will do our best."
She had to make it. Her time couldn't be over.

Without saying a word, Dr. Shepherd left the room.

"Please prep Mrs. Parker for surgery." Dr. Sloan said, leaving after Dr. Shepherd.

An; So now you have a tiny bit of incite into what is going on with Meredith, next chapter will answer a few questions about Derek and what is wrong with him. Lola and I would like to thank each and every one of you kind people who leave sweet comments and really inspire us to keep writing!