PART II

Chapter 16:

The sun was warm on her face. Since her release from the infirmary four days earlier, she had been spending a lot of time sitting outside on her small patio. There was little else she could do with a leg wound, crutches, and two broken ribs but sit and relax and think. So here she was.

She did not hear the car pull up or the ringing of her door bell. She had been lost in her thoughts, her life before P4X-532, her life now, her future.

"Hey." The voice said startling her from behind. She turned quickly to seek out the familiar voice and was met with a sharp pain in her chest. She grimaced and a let a quiet moan.

"Colonel." She managed to say through clenched teeth as she waited for the pain to subside.

O'Neill grimaced too. "Sorry, Carter. I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay, sir," she said still trying to push back the pain burning in her chest. "I just wasn't expecting anyone. How'd you get in?" She was more than a little confused as to how he was standing here. Even more, why was he here? And she was surprised. She was surprised to see Colonel O'Neill, here at her home, alone. He always came with Daniel or Teal'c. Coming alone was dangerous.

"I used my key." The one she gave him three years ago for emergencies. This was the second time he had ever used it. "I've been ringing your door bell for the last five minute." he said as he pulled up a chair and sat down near her. "Are you okay?"

"Bum leg, busted ribs, I'm fine, sir."

"Riiight." He looked at her skeptically. "So how are you really?"

"Can I get you something to drink, sir?" She asked in a thinly veiled attempt to deflect the conversation away from her recovery.

"Carter."

"Why are you here? Sir." She added the sir on begrudgingly.

He sighed. Heavily. Frustrated. "I'm sorry."

"Sir. Don't," she said trying to stop him.

"I never told you. I'm sorry…for everything."

"Sir."

"Please, Carter, let me finish."

"I can't do this anymore."

"I…. What?" He could on stammer when the wrods registered in his brain. "Can't do what?"

"This," she said as she slowly turned to face him. "SG-1. The Air Force. The Goa'uld. The next threat."

He didn't know what to think. What to say.

"I've spent the last few days doing a lot of thinking."

"And?"

"I don't think I can do this anymore."

"Carter, if this is about what happened…"

She interrupted him although he was sure she hadn't heard him speak. "I was so screwed up after I was rescued from P4X-532. I thought if I could just get back to work back to SG-1 everything would return to normal."

"But," he supplied for her because he could hear the but coming.

"You were there, sir."

"Yes, I was. He's dead. Reynarc can't hurt you any more."

"Do you know this is the first time I've been on my patio in over a year? I spend more time on base than I do in my own home. Did you know that one of my neighbors called the police on me? They thought I was a burglar in my own house because I hadn't been there in a month," she added cynically. "I leave my house some days not knowing when or if I'll ever be back."

"What are you trying to say? You're giving up?"

"I…I don't know," she replied hesitantly. "But six months in an alien prison tends to change your perspective on things."

"Things being your job, your life, your relationships."

"Something like that," she replied suddenly feeling the need to move away from the Colonel's close proximity. She tried to hide the grimace she made as she slowly pushed herself up from her lounge chair and began to limp heavily toward the door.

"Carter," He gently grabbed her arm and turned her to face him. "You're forgetting who you're talking to. I'm the poster child for screwed up and I'm still here. Demons and all." He did not need to mention the demons that haunted him. 'Here sit back down before you pull something," he said leading her back to her vacated seat.

"How'd you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Sir."

"Friends, family, Guiness, Scotch. Carter, I fight my demons everyday. They'll always be apart of me." He waited for her to reply but was met with silence so he continued his pathetic attempt at, well, whatever he was trying to do. "Let me help you."

"I'm tired, sir." She attempted to move from her position again. "Maybe you should leave."

"No." He grabbed her with more force this time refusing to let her run away. "I'm not going to let you shut me out. Look, Carter, I meant what I said back on P4… back on that god-forsaken planet."

"I know," she responded just as she had back on Volostra.

"Do you really?" He questioned. He didn't specifically mention exactly what he was referring to. He said a lot of things on the plant. "Do you really understand what I'm saying?"

She responded by moving closer and resting her forehead on his chest. She knew. He wrapped his arms around her. They made their choice. The choice of keeping their feelings for each other locked away in hopes that one day when they were not fighting for the fate of the planet or galaxy or some other impending doom they could be together. One day.

She knew he would give it all up; she was not going to let him ruin his career for her. He was too important to the program. He was not going to let her ruin her career either. She was too important to the program.

"It's not time." She said quietly into his chest. She couldn't look at him. It hurt too much to face the reality of their choice.

They stood wrapped in each others arms. Sometime in the minutes they held each other, Carter had finally broken and quietly cried into his shirt. There was really nothing more he could say. She was right. It was not their time. He wondered silently would it ever?