Chapter I: Loose Threads

You're never going to be impartial. You're never going to be good enough.

A gentle voice rips him from his train of thoughts. "Lavi?" Allen says. His eyebrows are pulled together with an air of concern.

It takes the redhead a second to muster even the simplest of replies. "Eh?"

"You look like you're getting lost. Everything all right in there?" Allen playfully knocks on Lavi's head. It's not like he hits him hard, but it still makes his skull ache.

"Just compartmentalizing. I can't forget anything before I get a chance to write it down." Bookman Jr. makes a show of glaring at the nurses and acting woeful. "These crazy doctors won't even let me go to my room long enough to get my archiving papers."

A familiar voice jumps in. "That's because they know you'd run for it."

Lavi jumps, his heart rate jumping as Bookman Sr. is suddenly occupying space that was empty moments prior. "Damn, gramps. Trying to give me a freaking heart attack?" The old man had shown no concern for his apprentice other than those few tears shed upon their reunion, but Lavi likes to think that Bookman would be lost without him.

"You can start recording these past few days as soon as you've rested." Bookman himself is in the infirmary too, but with much less harrowing wounds and a much better attitude that allows him more freedom.

Either way, it isn't Lavi's fault he can't sleep.

"I'm fiiiine. Is it really going to endanger my health if I just do some deskwork?"

Bookman says nothing, but Lavi knows he's not going to win this battle. So it looks like he's just going to have to lay here for a day or two and attempt to sleep.

"He's right," Lenalee says from across the room. She been so strange with emotion lately, but she's starting to get a grasp on things once more. Her expression is kind and full of concern. "You haven't even slept more than a few hours since we got home yesterday."

So one of his friends had noticed. His acting starts to slip when he doesn't sleep or he isn't feeling well- and of course those are the times when his acting skills are the most important.

Silly boy. She isn't your friend. You aren't allowed to have friends.

That sudden idea has him reeling. Where did it come from?

Lavi rolls his eye, shoving the intrusive thought to the back of his mind. "I can't sleep when I've got a headache, and Yuu is too close. I feel threatened!"

Kanda narrows his eyes, but lets his given name slide from the mouth of his natural enemy without a fight. He's too worn to care right now.

That's when a nurse moves forward with a syringe. "Oh, dear. You should have told us, I have something that will help you sleep."

Lavi shrinks back into his pillows a bit. "Yay," he says cheerfully.

He watches as the nurse injects half the syringe into his IV. By the time she's pushed the plunger all the way down, his vision is fading.

*(*)*

Lavi comes back to consciousness slowly. The drugs made him feel so oddly floaty and nauseated. The smell of food hits him like a ton of bricks and he doesn't even make it out of bed before promptly throwing up on the floor. Several people come flooding over to his aid but he brushes them off with apologies and excuses. Drugs just make him feel sick. They never agree with him.

Lavi tries to concentrate on reciting the entirety of the greek alphabet. He ignores the bile that still burns the back of his throat and the unending growl of Krory's stomach and every other minute distraction that makes him anxious. Being left with only his mind for entertainment is never good, but he refuses to let Road get to him; even if the after effects of Edo are leaving him shaking like a leaf. The attending nurse is flashing a light in Lavi's good eye and saying something about possible trauma. He pushes her away weakly, rolling onto his side as he mutter that he's 'perfectly fine other than the fact that he's now blind in both eyes.'

Two days. Two days since they barely escaped the Ark, two days since they barely got away with their lives. His mind, no matter how well trained or disconnected it can become, cannot fathom the fact that he is still alive and breathing.

He's in really rough shape, but dear God he's alive.

Lavi is just glad that the nightmares stayed away for the entire day and a half he was out cold.

The meager amount of sleep he had gotten the night of their return was so miserable that when he finally dragged himself back to the real world he had an anxiety attack that lasted nearly an hour. He was relieved that everyone else had gone to sleep and even more relieved that the nurse told no one of his embarrassing episode. He had practically cried a whole lake and wailed like a baby.

"Apprentice, look at me."

Lavi cracks his eye open to meet the gaze of Bookman. The panda places the back of his hand against Lavi's forehead, and makes a sound of disapproval. "You're running a slight fever."

"I'm fine. Drugs just don't go over well with me."

"You seem to be at war with yourself, Lavi." Bookman says simply. No emotion, no concern. Just an observation.

"I'm fine, Gramps. Just thinking about everything, making sure I don't forget anything important." He pushes his hair back out of his face. He feels so disgusting and dirty that he'd fight Road all over again if it meant he could take a shower. Lavi asks seriously, "Can I go for a walk?"

"I'll go with you, but yes. Do not try to avoid my statement. What is bothering you?"

Lavi throws his legs over the edge of the bed, using his uninjured arm to push himself off the mattress. He's sore as hell but just sitting there like a useless piece of shit isn't his idea of a good time.

This time it's a direct question, so now Lavi is obligated to answer. "Some shit happened when we were trapped in the Ark. I'm just not adjusting very well after what happened."

"You can talk about it, if you believe that would make you feel better." It's a sincere offer, one that Lavi truly does appreciate. The only problem is that Road was right. He's starting to get attached to these people. If he tells Bookman what had happened they will most likely have to move on to another place.

"That's okay, Gramps. Thanks anyway. I'm sure I'll be fine in a few days."

A comfortable silence creeps over the two. His 49th alias isn't fond of silence and Bookman Jr. himself isn't particularly fond of it either. It makes him anxious- even more so than he already is. He speaks up only to direct their path away from the mess hall, merely because he can't consider eating or even being near food without gagging again.

Lavi groans internally as they loop around back toward the infirmary. Only ten minutes of walking is causing all of his muscles to scream in protest, but he doesn't want to stop going. The constant movement is keeping him focused on remembering how to put one foot in front of the other without falling. With how drowsy he is from those drugs the nurse gave him, he's surprised he can keep up the charade of being more than just a useless pile of melted brain matter.

"One more lap?" Lavi asks. He hopes he doesn't sound as desperate as he feels.

"You need to rest apprentice- the longer you're up and about the slower you heal. Walking away from your problems can only keep them at bay so long."

Lavi knows that Bookman is right and that alone makes him want to run. He tries to convince himself of what he has told everyone else. He'll be okay. He's just adjusting. Nothing is wrong. But the redhead still can't shake the feeling that something is very slowly eating away at his sanity.

A/N sorry if it's rather short. didnt want to sit on it too long and then never finish it XD anyway, this is gonna be a relatively long chapter fic. it may or may not follow the manga loosely. we'll see. R AND R PLEASE SO I KNOW WHAT TO IMPROVE ON.

Thanks for reading 3