I dreamed about my first kill last night. It's been a long, long time since I thought about it.

I grew up in the civilian orphanage back in Konoha- it's right on the edge of the red light district. Dangerous for orphans- civilian orphans. Always too many of us- them, too many of them, never enough matrons. Always someone- watching. The matron's nearly let us run wild, and there was always someone around the orphanage watching and waiting. I was always too- something. Some of the other kids there weren't. They tended to disappear- but I was always too… something, to just disappear. There was one guy in the dorms, Kai- he wasn't. He wasn't too something to just disappear… he was pretty- like a doll. Big eyes, soft little mouth. He used to smile. He'd share candy with me, sometimes.

Quick fingers, he had, and with that face- who'd ever guess what he'd done?

Except someone did. He warned me away, but I followed him, when that- monster- took him away. Made him follow like a- like a dog.

I saw what that monster made Kai do. When I asked Kai about it, he begged me not to tell anyone.

I didn't tell anyone.

I did kill a monster, back then. Got Kai to quicksilver away some clothing I could burn no problem. Threw vinegar and Cryin' pepper powder, anise oil and peppermint- no one would ever find me. Foul'd the scents, taught us how in the academy. Clothing went into the incinerator, hot hot hot- and Kai was good at genjutsu.

And the monster was dead.

Kai's the head of several hanamachi throughout Fire Country now; it's an informal position, according to him. In actuality, it's more like what the Kages would be if there weren't hidden villages. Some of the geisha's he's in charge of- I wouldn't be surprised if they're hidden ninja clans, just like Nadeshiko-chan was. Come to think of it, Kai's the one who told me to look Nadeshiko-chan up…

I pray to the gods that my daughters don't get blooded the way I did. Please, let them be able to laugh and smile while they're young and mean it. Let them live beyond the world of willows and flowers- beyond the world of their parents.

This job I chose- after that monster died, I chose to become a ninja. This job- it takes things from you. I thought I'd already lost what the job was supposed to take- but, as it turns out, the job took something I didn't even know I'd had. It takes things money can't buy back; it takes things people don't know they have until it's too late. I send my wealth to those girls, my- but- money can't buy back time lost. It can't buy back a childhood, or a relationship that never got a chance to exist… bah.

I'm getting old.