Chapter Seven

Inconceivable!

As everyone's hearts stop racing — except mine, as I was quite aware we were not really in danger the whole time — I look around and count heads, and find we're all here with one large noticeable exception: Thor. Just where has the God of Thunder got off to?

As if sensing my thoughts, there is a crash followed by a flash outside on the terrace, and there is Thor. He dramatically shakes back his head to get the perfect golden hair out of his face (much like a L'oréal commercial), then calmly strides to the doors, pulls them open and comes inside.

He pauses, looking at the frazzled group, then looks at me with a raised brow.

"Don't ask," I tell him.

"As you wish," he says.

"My name is not Buttercup," I tell him.

He looks at me with a perplexed expression. "Why would anyone name their child Buttercup?" he asks.

I shake my head. "I have no idea, any more than why an author would make rodents of unusual size the most treacherous danger in a fire swamp."

"What's a fire swamp?" Pippin asks.

"It's a swamp with flame bursts, rodents of unusual size and…ummm…" My mind draws a blank. "Oh, lightning sand!"

"Sand does not have lightning," Thor tells me. "I should know."

"It's just a story," I say.

"Next you will be telling me it contains a six fingered man."

"Errr…"

He winks at me, and I realize he's seen The Princess Bride! He flashes me one of his gorgeous smiles, too. But he's no Glorfindel, so I do not succumb to his masculine charms (though he is nice to look at—OW! It's not nice for Glorfindel to smack me in the middle of parentheses!)

I glare at Glorfindel, who has shown up of his own accord. Guess he's coming along, too. Then I turn back to Thor.

"So where have you been?" I ask him. "We came here, then went— Well, we went somewhere else too, but you weren't with us."

"Lady, you travel by snapping. I travel by Bifrost. I had to alert Heimdall of our change of location."

"I don't think that's going to work well when we go to Middle-earth," I tell him. "You are going to have to travel with us."

"Yeah," Pippin says, seeming to have recovered from his fright. "Could have used you against the t-rex."

"What is a t-rex?" Thor asks.

"Kind of like those Chitari beasts we fought in New York but has legs and doesn't fly," Natasha tells him.

Thor looks around the room. "Is that all? Then why do all look as if you have been hiding in the shrubs?"

"Because we were hiding in the shrubs, Thunder pants!" Stark says. His voice is still wobbly. Probably because he had no access to Jarvis or his Iron Man suit in Jurassic Park. (And just how is that going to work anyway in Middle-earth? I wonder).

"Running through them, more like," Clint mutters.

"Not me," Legolas adds.

"Yes, we know, Goldilocks," Stark sneers. "You were running through the tree tops. Well we can't all surf down tree limbs, now can we?"

"Enough." I hold up a hand before others jump into the senseless argument. "We need to come up with a plan, and NOT leave until we have everything we need," I remind them. Then I glance around looking for Aragorn. He's usually best at this sort of thing.

I find him in a corner, with Arwen, and they're snogging! We have a psycho Asgardian and a flaming maia on the rampage and they're snogging?

"Oh no," I say, dragging them apart. "Arwen is not going with us!"

"Why not?" she shrieks.

I never did like her annoying voice.

"Why must I stay but she," Arwen glares at Natasha, "gets to go?"

"Because Natasha is actually useful in a dangerous situation. Whereas you can sew pretty banners, sit on a dais and look pretty!"

She gasps. "I can fight! Did you not see me take on the Nazgul at the river when I saved Frodo?"

I snort and look at Glorfindel. His face is turning that terrible purple color it gets when he is very angry, and I look at Arwen and say, "You might want to run now."

She screams and does just that, for Glorfindel has NEVER forgiven her for 'borrowing' his horse in the movies and taking HIS part. At least she will not be an issue for the time being.

"Too bad," Raj says. "I was kind of hoping she might decide Aragorn wasn't sexy enough for her and choose me instead."

"Like she'd pick you," Howard snaps.

And I just stand there wondering when these two showed up. And hoping Leonard and Penny stay in Pasadena.

"Still not the physicist I'm looking for," Gandalf says from the bar, where most of the group has reassembled with their drinks.

"Howard isn't a physicist at all!" Sheldon states in that Sheldony fashion of his. "He's just an engineer."

"And more useful on this quest than you will be," I mutter.

Howard smiles at me and wags his brows. Which of course brings Glorfindel back in an instant.

"Do not make me call Bernadette here, puny person," he says.

"Puny mortal would sound better," Bruce says before he drops several ice cubes into his glass of water.

But only if you're green, I think. How have I lost complete control of this situation?

"You still think you ever had control?" Námo asks.

"You never have control," Dr. Ian Malcolm says from the corner.

I close my eyes and think I'd rather be back home with the usual insanity over this new form of mental illness. Because the longer I stay in this story, the stranger things become. And we've still not really made any progress, and I think I may need a drink as well.

"If anyone needs to stay sober for this, it's you," Clint reminds me.

"I think I could handle it better tipsy," I tell him. He grins at me, but shakes his head.

"I'm with Clint. If you get drunk, we're all in trouble." Natasha informs me.

I laugh, because it doesn't matter how drunk or sober I am, we're all in trouble anyway!

"Pretty much," Námo agrees.

"Go away," I tell him, but only halfheartedly, because well, for one thing, I know he isn't going to go, and second, we might just need him.

I turn back to the others around the bar. "We need a plan."

"I have a plan," a new voice says from behind me, and I'm actually afraid to turn around, because I have a pretty good idea of who has just turned up. And honestly, I don't think I can go to Mordor with—

"Did you hear me, psychotic author person?" Rocket the raccoon snarls. "I said I have a plan!"

I still don't turn around. No, I wait for it, because I know it's coming.

"I am Groot."

Well, I guess if we're going to Middle-earth, it can't hurt to have a walking, talking tree along with us. But so help me if "Star Lord" shows up, I am not going.

To Be Continued…

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Reviews feed the muse! :)