Cal encircled his arms around Rose's waist. Robotically, she leaned against him, making him believe she wanted his embrace. "One of the largest suites on the entire ship," he boasted. "Do you like it Sweetpea?"
"I do, very much," Rose said. I hate it. All of it. All of this. She stared out at the sea from their private promenade deck. She couldn't see much being that it was just past eleven at night. But even the cold blackness seemed more inviting than Cal's touch. Rose felt his lips brush her neck and she forced herself not to stiffen. He moved his lips along her shoulder blade, pulling back the fabric of her dress as she did so.
Rose shivered from his touch and hated it. It wasn't that Cal was a terrible lover. In fact he was a rather good lover. If she had never known Jack she wouldn't be fighting the urge to tear herself away from Cal. Instead she let him turn her so she was facing him and let him kiss her.
Rose closed her eyes and her mind wandered to Jack. She didn't think she would have been able to prevent it. Cal scooped her up in his arms and carried her to their room. She kept her eyes closed the entire time, knowing that if she opened them, she'd lose what felt like her last bit of sanity.
For the first time in a long time, Rose hadn't even come close to an orgasm. After the first month or so of being married to Cal, Rose had given up and allowed herself to enjoy sex with him. More often than not, she had been able to reach orgasm. If not, she would fake it, just as she faked it now. After Cal was satisfied, he moved off of her and was soon asleep. Rose rolled over so that her back faced him and began to wonder if she'd ever enjoy sex again.
Just as Rose was falling asleep, Cal rolled over and wrapped an arm around her. For a moment, she tensed. His hand lay against her stomach and for the first time she noticed how smooth and cold they were, like polished marble. They were too impeccable, the complete opposite of Jack's hands. Jack's hands were callused and rough. She knew he bit his nails, she'd seen him do it. After drawing his fingers were dirty with charcoal. Jack's hands would grip her shoulders tightly as he kissed her, and his fingers would dig into her flesh as they made love, unlike Cal, would seemed to think she'd break if he handled her too roughly.
Oh Jack. I wish I knew where you were.
…
Rose brought her cupped hand to her mouth and sipped slowly. Rather than drink the water, Rose swished it around in her mouth and spit it out. She cupped her hand again, this time taking a drink. She turned off the sink and looked in the mirror. Her face was flushed from being sick and her eyes were bloodshot. She'd been traveling on ships since a child, but she hadn't been seasick since she was twelve.
"Rose?" Cal called out before knocking on the door. Groaning quietly, Rose splashed cold water on her face before answering.
"I'll be right out darling." Rose grabbed a fresh towel and wiped off her face. She knew she didn't look her best, but she decided it would just have to do. "Good morning," she greeted as she opened the door.
Cal looked at her with concern. "Are you alright Rose? You don't look well."
Rose sniffled and wiped her tired eyes. "I'm fine. I'm just feeling a little seasick." She felt a shiver and tightened her robe. "I hope you don't mind if I don't join you for breakfast," she said apologetically as she retreated to the bedroom.
Cal flashed a fake smile. "That's alright." Relieved, Rose climbed back into bed. "I'll send Trudy before I leave," he offered. Rose just nodded and pulled the blankets up. Cal didn't say anything else and left. She closed her eyes and began to think of Jack. Actually, it was more that she continued to think of Jack. He hadn't once left her mind. Rolling over she snuggled against the pillow and let herself drift back to sleep until late morning.
…
Jack sat on the deck with his legs crossed. His sketchpad sat on his lap. Fabrizio was next to him talking to Tommy Ryan, who had just embarked that morning from Ireland. He semi listened to their conversation as he drew the father with his little girl looking out over the ocean.
He sighed quietly, not loud enough for anyone to hear as he thought of Rose. He thought of her constantly, but it seemed to sting a bit more when he drew. Every night when she came over, she was eager to see his drawings that he had done that day. She'd study them in amazement and compliment his talent. He remembered the first time Rose had seen the nude sketches. She had tried to hide her surprise but failed and he had teased her for it.
"A lady of society has no business looking at such scandal!" Jack cried in mock horror.
Rose flipped the paper and studied the next drawing for a moment before closing the portfolio and laying it to the side. She leaned forward and kissed Jack. "Nor should she be doing this," she teased as she began to unbutton his shirt. Rose pulled Jack's shirt off and soon they were collapsing into the bed, giggling.
"Ah that's typical! First class dogs come down here to take a shite!" Tommy scolded, causing Jack's memory to fade quickly. He couldn't help but smile at what Tommy said when he saw the dogs being walked.
"Nah, just lets us know where we rank in the scheme of things," Jack replied.
Tommy chuckled. "Like we could forget?" He took another drag of his hand rolled cigarette and pointed to Jack's portfolio. "You make any money with your drawings?"
Jack looked to the drawing and shrugged. "Sometimes. A few years ago in Santa Monica I sold them for –" Jack's words immediately ended when he looked up. Above them on the first class deck was a women with her red hair pulled back into a typical up do. Her back was to him and he found himself mentally willing her to turn around.
"Jack?" Fabri followed his gaze and understood. Though he had never met Rose, Jack had described her often enough that the red hair on this woman explained to Fabri what was going on in Jack's mind.
The woman turned just enough for Jack to see her face from the side. It was all he needed. He felt his heart beat faster and his eyes widen. He ignored Tommy's remark about angels flying out of his ass. The angels had already flown.
Jack had to stop himself from calling out to her, despite his longing to. It was possible that she may have been with someone, though he saw no one near her. She seemed to be lost in her thoughts as she stared out at the sea.
"Rose," he breathed.
…
Rose breathed the salty air slowly. She hoped that no one noticed as she sucked it in deeply through her nostrils before letting it out gently through her lips. More than that, Rose hoped she wouldn't end up getting sick in front of everyone on deck.
"Rose!" She rolled her eyes and pretended not to hear Cal's voice. Regardless, Cal grabbed her at the elbow and spun her to face him. "What is the matter with you?" he hissed quietly.
Rose pulled her arm free. "Cal please, don't make a scene." The nausea that she had managed to fight off began to return, though not as severely.
"It wouldn't be any worse than the way you embarrassed me with your little joke about Dr. Fraud."
"Freud," Rose corrected. She took a step away from Cal. "I'm still not feeling well. I'm going back to the cabin," she told him. She walked away without looking back, but Cal was soon at her side much to her annoyance. After a few more steps she was grateful though, as her legs began to feel shaky. Rose grabbed Cal's arm for support.
Cal looked at her and saw how pale her face was. "Rose?"
"I'm fine," she insisted. "Just walk with me back to the cabin."
They didn't speak after that. Cal escorted Rose to her room before calling Trudy to assist her and leaving to return to the Verandah Café. Rose began to feel better once he was gone and once she was out of her dress and constricting corset she felt even better.
"Would you like me to bring you anything Miss?" Trudy asked with more genuine concern than Cal.
"I'd like a cup of hot tea with lemon," Rose told her. Trudy turned to leave and Rose sat at the edge of her bed. Feeling another wave of dizziness coming on, she leaned forward and placed her head in her hands. "Why am I so miserable?" she asked herself. She remembered the first time she had been seasick. She had been seven and couldn't step onto the boat deck without vomiting. She couldn't even bear to look out a window and see that the ship was moving. As long as she was inside and away from windows, she was perfectly fine. Then she seemed to grow out of it. This was the first time in five years she could remember even being sick at all.
"Here you are Miss," Trudy said when she returned. Rose lifted her head slowly and took the tea off of the tray.
"Thank you Trudy," she replied. She took a sip and closed her eyes as the hot tea soothed her. "I just don't understand why I feel so wretched."
Trudy picked up Rose's dress from the chair she had set it on. "Perhaps it's something more than just seasickness," she offered. "Perhaps you are more ill than you realize."
Rose's eyebrows squeezed together in confusion. "What do you mean? When I'm not fighting off the nausea, I feel fine." She took another sip of tea. "Except that I'm more tired than usual." And my heart is broken,she added silently.
Trudy smoothed out the dress and hung it in the closet. Rose noticed that Trudy has a thoughtful look. Then Trudy smiled ever so slightly, just enough for Rose to notice.
"May I ask a personal question?"
Rose's brain kicked into overdrive. Suddenly she understood. No. She's not going to ask me that?
"Y-yes," she stuttered.
"When was your last…" Trudy stopped, assuming Rose would know where she was going. Rose did, but she denied it and remained silent. "Your last…cycle?" Trudy finished, the last word coming out in a whisper.
Rose could hear the tea cup rattling against the saucer as her hand shook. Trudy took it from her quickly and set it down. "Oh my God," Rose whispered. Her hand flew to her stomach and she felt through her nightgown for any changes.
"It's alright Miss. When I was pregnant with my Daniel, I was experiencing the same thing. It passed and this will too," Trudy assured her.
Rose swallowed hard. She didn't have to once question whose child she was carrying. Prior to last night, she had Cal had not had sex in just over three months. She'd had her period twice since then. But she hadn't had it since she had been with Jack. Rose did the math quickly and realized she was two weeks late.
"I –" her eyes darted around the room as she tried to calm down. "I have to get to the infirmary." She stood up too quickly, prompting a dizzy spell. Rose sat back down suddenly.
Trudy helped steady her. "Miss I think you should lay for a while. When Mr. Hockley and Miss Ruth return, I'll tell them that you wish you go."
"No!" Rose cried. She took a deep breath and collected herself, remembering the situation. "I'd rather tell them myself," she said as calmly as possible. She forced a soft smile and laid her head on the pillow. "Please don't say a word to them Trudy."
Trudy nodded. "If you so wish." She stood. "Is there anything else I can get you?"
"No. Thank you," Rose whispered. Trudy left and Rose was alone with her thoughts. I'm pregnant with Jack's child. Repeating it over and over in head, Rose tried to let it sink in. She whispered it to herself. It just didn't seem real. Getting out of the bed, Rose stood before the full length mirror. She studied her stomach, lifting up her nightgown to reveal that it was still as flat as ever. Rose rubbed her hand over it. Jack's baby is growing in there.
...
Jack lay on the bench and stared up at the stars. There were millions of them, billions and trillions even. He thought of Rose. She was on the ship. She was so close yet so far. Jack knew he wouldn't be allowed into the first class area of the ship. Unless he figured out a way to find her, the ship would dock in New York and he'd lose her again. She'd be nothing more than a shooting star in an endless sky of stars. There and gone in the blink of an eye.
Jack took a drag of his cigarette and let the smoke lazily drift out of his nostrils. He heard the sound of approaching footsteps and thought nothing of it. He closed his eyes for a moment and heard the person pass. He swore the person was a sobbing woman and for a brief second, he damned his own good intentions.
The woman had obviously been running more than she had been walking; Jack could just make out her form, already by the stern of the ship. A terrifying thought occurred to Jack and he practically leaped from the bench. He moving quietly but quickly, never taking his eyes from her. It wasn't until he got closer that he noticed her red curls.
…
Rose stared down at the ocean. Her mind hadn't stopped reeling since she had talked to Trudy. She had wanted to go to the infirmary, but was afraid to. It would make it more real. She had to figure out what she would do first. Would she stay with Cal and raise Jack's baby as theirs? Or would she figure out a way to strike out on her own? She knew staying with Cal would guarantee the child would be healthy and safe. What would become of it if she ran away?
Rose wiped her tears away and forced herself to take a deep breath. She followed with a few more deep breaths. She looked up to the sky for a moment, amazed at the vast night sky. Realizing that her absence would be noticed soon, she decided to return to her cabin.
With a heavy sigh, Rose turned around to head back.