So this is going to be three parts I decided when this part was getting really long that I should just break it up n three parts. A lot happens in this part I should warn you. ALOT its the dark chapter the one that gives you a insight of how bad his condition gets.. Next chapter will be more of answers and conclusions. Well here we go.. part two ;)
Six
Seeing the girl you are pretty sure you're in love with for the first time in awhile with hickeys on your neck from a girl you don't know, when you were someone she doesn't know. Speaking doesn't sound right and apologizing doesn't sound fair. It hurts just looking at her, knowing she hates me and if she doesn't she should. I don't want to be someone else right now, I want to feel everything that I've caused her, then my family the only people who have ever cared about me and little by little I ruin that by the actions that I cant control. So as I'm sitting there watching my brother and this amazing girl walk towards me sitting outside this shitty bar, I know what has to be done. For once I cant be selfish I have to do whats best for my family –for her.
" I'm not coming home." I can tell they don't believe me, that I think I just playing into my own guilt but I do mean it. I mean ever word of it, I can't go back and ruin lives. " Finn, look it's been a long day can we just get in the car and talk about this on the way back home." He's tired, and mostly fed up he could be out with his boyfriend right now but instead he's here cleaning up after me. As always…
" I'm not going with you Kurt, you should just go and be with Blaine and not worry about me anymore. I can take care of myself"
I quickly glance at Rachel whose eyes and glossed over and I know she's doing everything in her power to hold back the anger she feels towards me. Most likely because she feels sorry for me. "Finn.." Kurt starts but there isn't anything he can say, I'm right I can take care of my self I might not be me while doing it all but I always end up somewhere safe for the most part. Sometimes it's a moment when my worlds starts to warp where it's a little me and a little of someone else and I know its about to happen and I fight it, this time though something is different " I'm sorry" I whisper before it goes black.
"He said he didn't want to go home mom, if it wasn't for Sam taking over I don't think he would have come. It was different this time it was …almost like we had lost him."
That's the first thing he hears when it finally comes too, he can tell that a lot of time has passed most likely days he's in different clothes and the hickeys that lined his neck were slowly disappearing. Tht feeling though, the one he hasn't been able to shake is still there. He reaches over to his medicine box and empties the day that is next seeing that it's Thursday he swallows the hand full of pills and starts to plot a easier way to rid his family of the disease called " Finn". He sits in his bed for awhile wondering to himself if Rachel has been around since they got him back home. He pulls out his phone and stares at her name.
She flew out to get him when he was at his worse, he should atleast send her a text in appreciation.. at least let her know that he understands if she never wants to talk to him again and that he wont take it personal because he knows he's fucking crazy and as much as he wishes he could change that, he can't no matter how much he would for her.
"Hi, Rachel it's me Finn I wanted to let you know how sorry I am about everything that has happened since you've met me I know I can mess things up pretty easy and again i'm so sorry. I think you are amazing but I fully understand if you want nothing to do with me. I know I'm fucking crazy and I know that you shouldn't have to put up with that. Well, its been really nice knowing you and I hope you know I don't blame you for not wanting to be around me anymore. Have a great one Rach."
He hesitates before actually sending it, because sending it makes it real. Sending it makes that little part of his heart that thinks that maybe he can be normal and have a normal life with her go away. He can't and he needs to understand that so he presses send and throws his phone on his bed pushing himself up and heading downstairs to face his family that will be walking on eggshells like they always do when he comes out of having a episode.
They hear him before they see him and they stop talking ( he hates that) and plasters on a fake smile. " Hey…" him mom says not knowing if it's him or Sam or whoever ( he hates that too) " Its me mom" she lets out the breath she probably didn't even know she was holding and runs to him " I've really missed you" she says and he can tell she trying to hold in he cry, he hugs her a little tighter and runs to go get Burt, it's a routine at this point they all want to be around him when he comes back because they know hes going to want them to fill him in on everything. Once his mom is out of sight he turns to Kurt whose cooking something that Finn is sure he's going to hate but Kurt also has thing odd thing about Finns body being healthy and maybe the episodes will slow down. Finn doesn't think that's true but he doesn't stop him because he still has hope and that's a shit load more then Finn has. "Why's you bring me back?" he says a little lower then a whisper to make sure his parents don't hear, " I told you I didn't want to come home Kurt why didn't you leave me." He feels like he isn't going a very good job at holding it together he's shaking and he just wants this all to be over. " Finn.. " Kurt finally says turns around and Finn actually looks at him, he looks horrible he notes and he's sure he has something to do with him. Hes so fucking tired of this, the self pity the hurting others. That's when it hits him, he doesn't need to plan and set a date he's just going to do it. Tonight when everyone is asleep, he's going to do what he tried to do years ago and has been fighting against for years. He snaps back into the here and now when Kurt starts to talk again " Don't talk like that, you were just upset why would you not want to come home Finn? We're your family this is where you belong." That's when Burt and his mom return with smiles on their faces but he doesn't want this right now he doesn't want any of this. So he just turns and runs to his room.
Seven.
He has 3 text and their all from Rachel and he doesn't know what to do because he doesn't think he can handle anything right now but then he thinks that he at least wants to read it before he does what he has planned to do tonight, he paces around his room for awhile before his phone lights up again and he knows its from Rachel so he just grabs it and opens it because its nothing she can say that he hasn't heard or doesn't already know.
" meet me at the park behind your neighborhood"
"ill be there in 45 mins"
" I hope you are too."
"I'm leaving my house I hope you're waiting for me"
Before even thinking he's grabbing he's grabbing his jacket and running out of his room and screaming he'll be back to his mom knowing that she doesn't like that at all but he's in a rush right now the girl of his dreams is currently on her way to meet him and he doesn't know if he should be smiling or scared to death.
He gets there pretty fast he runs the whole way and when he finally sits down on the bench he's completely out of breath. He puts his head back trying to get a grip on whats actually happening when she comes and sits next to him, he smells her perfume before she actually says anything " Hello Finn" and hearing her voice actually makes him a lot calmer then most the medicine he's been on his whole life it feels. " Hey Rach " she giggles and he wonders what he said that was funny, she must read his mind because she continues by saying " I love that nickname no one has ever called me that." He feels himself blush and he's thankful for the darkness of the night.
"I don't want to be away from you, I just think its better for you to get as far away from me as possible." It's important for her to know that he wants to be around her almost like his body craves her. " Good thing I don't care what you think." She says and he can see her lips turn into small smirk, " I'm s big girl Finn, it's not like I don't know what I'm getting myself into. But I also think its completely worth it." he's absolutely stunned by that, he moves closer to her because he feels like if he doesn't at least touch her he might explode. " Im a DID bipolar teenager, you have no idea what it's like. Look at Kurt he's a wreck tonight he looks exhausted because he has to deal with me. I don't want that for you."
"You're wrong." She says he can feel her burning a hole in the side of his face but he cant bring himself to look up from his hands. " He s wreck today because when you told us you didn't want to come back he was afraid he had lost his brother to this disease and that at any moment Sam would lose control and you would come back and you wouldn't want to come back. And I know what your diagnosis is Finn, im fully aware of what that means." She doesn't he thinks to himself she's seen the DID but she hasn't been the bipolar she hasn't been those episodes.
"I'm really tired Rachel, I feel like I'm a fucking pity party, inside my head its like nonstop." He can feel his anxiety rising. " Then stop it, stop feeling bad for yourself Finn, you didn't ask for this and you cant make it go away but you can stop feeling so bad about it. Your family loves you, your not some burden trust me I know what it's like to be around you and it's definitely not a burden."
" I just want it to all be over." They are so close not that he cant help but not take his eyes off her lips, she smiles when she realizes that he's staring and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, " You know you can kiss me if you want." She says, " I want too." And he does. It's soft and everything he could imagine when he thinks about kissing her, she taste sweet and he feels like he could do this forever, until he hears " Rachel!" coming from somewhere close to them, "RACHEL BARBARA BERRY ARE YOU OUT HERE?" and it sounds like her dad and that causes that feeling he hates more then anything to come back. He finally sees them and rushes over and snatches her by the arm like she was about to get in the car with a stranger that offered her candy. " what are you doing here?" he ask through his teeth, " and why are you with him?" he tries to make it sound less offensive but Finn knows that sound it's the sound that every parent gets when Finn is around their child every since he was young. " Its fine Rach, thanks for coming out." He leans over and kisses her cheek, he's sure her father doesn't like it but he never has to worry about him after tonight so he's going all out he pulls back just enough to whisper in her ear " no matter what know that you made it better. Goodbye Rachel." And he pulls away and turns around even after she calls for him, he can hear her father saying to just let him go and he quickens his pace. It was a moment there when he was kissing her that his mind wasn't on taking his own life it was on staying here forever if he got to kiss her everyday but he couldn't do that her father would never allow that.
When he walks back into his house they are all sitting around the table he pulls the chair out and sits down with them and they all look like they are waiting for something to happen and he doesn't want DRAMA he doesn't want discussion on the events that have happen he just wants to eat go lay down and wait until he can just do what has to be done. " can you pass the mash potatoes" and he knows they all understand what he's doing, they all fall into easy conversation and every so often his mom will shot his a smile. He smiles back, but it's less then sincere. He helps his mom with the kitchen after and she looks really surprised but he really wants her last memory to be of him being a good son instead of a crazy one. He does a little studying with Kurt and lets him talk his ear off about New York and what's it going to be like when they all go ( he has this vision of Finn actually being able to go with them, its that hope again). He finishes up on the Nissan that Burt has been working out for a few days apparently that the owner just wanted it "completely worked over" and Burt smiles at the end and thanks him, when all is said and done he thinks his last night has been pretty successful. When they all say goodnight he retreats back to his room and waits until he hears then all settle down before getting up and sitting at his desk. The first letter he writes is to Rachel, even thought he's known her for a while he feels like he has the most to say to her. He's moms is the longest though because he wants to her know that this has nothing to do with her, it's all him and that he rememebers the good and he recalls a few times when he would get sick and she would sing and dance around the room just to make him feel better. Kurts is when he starts to cry because he's saying goodbye to his best friend, his brother and his rock. But he tells him how he knows this is what's best for him. When his phone goes off and he sees her name he opens it immediately; "what did you mean by Goodbye?" he waits until all this letters including the one to Burt telling him to hold his mother together, they are all labeled and laying on his desk with the appropriate names on them, he gets the rope he snuck from the garage earlier when he was helping Burt and makes a knot he knows won't break. This is how it felt last time like everything he felt before was heighted he loops the rope around the bar that usually is lined with clothes, he decides then was the best time to answer Rachel back because when else would he have the time? " It means Goodbye Rachel and I know we just met but I feel like I need to tell you that I love you." He sure it sounds crazy but hell.. he is crazy right? He presses send and puts his phone on the desk with the letter before standing on the chair and putting his neck through the rope and letting a tear run down his face , the music he started is playing in the back and door is locked he can hear his phone vibrating and he finally kicks the chair from underneath him..
Its hurts.
The pain fades.
The banging on the door makes his struggle which only makes it tighter around his neck. His ears pop and that's when he knows it's over he can hear his mom crying on the other side of the door but it's to late.
He's gone.
Eight.
When he starts to wake up all he can hear is crying and a clicking of heels, he knows they have been upping his medicine because he feels a little empty but his head doesn't feel so noisey. He hears his mom excuse her self and the door close behind her, he doesn't know who she's talking too but the heels still are going back and forth in the room so he knows it's not Kurt or Burt.
He finally wills himself to open his eyes and he sees her, she looks a mess but really pissed at the same time and when he tries to say something, nothing at all comes out. She finally looks over to see him trying to talk and lifting his hand to his neck that is wrapped with bandages.
"Don't bother, you basically destroyed your vocal cords they have to paralyze them to see if they can heal a little before attempting to give the shot to fix them." He voice is cold and distant. " I should go get your mother." She says but he reaches for her and she stops in her tracks, but when she turns to face him her face is softer now and tears are rolling down her face " HOW COULD YOU!" she yells and he cant even say anything so he tries to rely what he wants to say through his face. Which isn't a lot because he doesn't even know where to begin, " Why would you do that Finn? Why would you do that to your mom and Burt and oh my God if you had only seen Kurt when they were rushing you out the house. And ..and me? Why would you want to leave me? We just found each other I just don't understand?" He knows this is where he's suppose to give reasons as to why he did it, but even if he could talk he doesn't think she would want to hear it He mouths " I'm so sorry" but he knows it's not enough. Her reaction tells his he's right, she shakes her head and mumbles something before rushing out of the room.
A few moments later his mom comes rushing in and she looks just as bad as Rachel and the guilt takes over again, she throws herself on to him and holds him like she never thought she would again and he thinks that's actually what is happening. So she holds her back with just the same about to love, when Burt comes in he just lets out the breathe he's probably been holding since it all happened he hugs him too and whispers that he loves him in his ear. Last but not least was Kurt and he just looks exhausted and scared and almost as mad at Rachel. He pauses at the door and just looks at Finn when his mother suggest that they give them some time alone. When they all have walked out Kurt goes and opens his bag and pulls out a notebook " I want you to explain it to me, I want it in your words why you tried to leave me again! I want to know why you text Rachel confess your love and then say bye and then do..this!" he's crying now and so is Finn, "If she hadn't called me and woken me uo demanding I check on you do you know what could have happened?" He does know, it's what he wanted to happened but right now he just feels like shit. "I know it wasn't you Finn we all know it wasn't you it was your condition and I know that maybe I should have been paying more attention to you, I've been so caught up in my own life that I didn't even see you were drowning." This is exactly what Finn didn't want, he didn't want to be a burden anymore he didn't want people to blame themselves for him being crazy, he pulls himself up and motions for the notepad. He goes into detail about exactly what it was and how he doesn't want his family to have to take care of him forever, it's not fair to them and he's not going to allow it any longer. He goes on to say how much he loves him and that he does love Rachel in just the little time she's been in his life she has made everything a little better but he dads don't think he's good for her and he doesn't blame them. He finishes by just saying that he's sorry Kurt had to see him that way and they he has to promise that no matter what happens he won't ever blame Finn's craziness on himself. Because just like Finn and everyone else he doesn't know what caused this.
He watches his brothers face as he reads over his words that explain everything he was feeling and leaving out that he still feels like it now. Kurt looks at him and ask if it's okay to share with the family and when Finn nods he grabs the paper and adds. " I do love you Rachel" at the end. Because he feels like that really important to reiterate right now
Time passes and they just don't talk about it in dept anymore after reading what he wrote it's like they got a better understanding as to how someone with not one but TWO mental disorders would come to the solution of wanting to end his life. Rachel rushed in after and kissed him and before pulling all the way back she whispered that she loved him too. His mom smiled when she saw that, a real smile and every since then it's been more about everyone trying to do better. Finn was very adamant about them maintaining their own lives and so Kurt has been hanging out with Blaine and even though Finn has to throw him a very stern glare to get him out the hospital room he can tell he's happy when he comes back from being with his loving boyfriend. His mom starting back work and her book club and he knows she worries and hates it but he knows that its good for her, Burt is running for congress this year is was something out the blue that he said and Finn and Kurt both loved the idea, his publicist stopped by one day to say she doesn't know how having a "mentally unstable step-son" is going to look and Finn is pretty sure Burt was about to rip her head off. Until he explained " he's why I'm doing this." She just nodded and they continued with the meeting, Rachel is herself again or as much as possible with her boyfriend? Being in the hospital but she goes to school and Glee and does her plays and but she doesn't miss a day. They all have this thing that someone always has to be there and they all stop by even if for like five minutes, Finn thinks it's too much but in the middle of writing why he does Rachel took his paper away and told him that they are already "continuing with their lives , he has to agree to their terms now" and the look he got from his family he knew they were on her side.
Three weeks when they finally thought his vocal cords were well enough to get the steroid shot and hopefully repair what he broke, also that was when the doctor came in with the look that Finn knows all to well. " You can't send him back there! He hated it!" Kurt yells when the doctor suggest that maybe Finn should spend a few weeks in the 'crazy house' " You just wait until my parents get down here they are going to tell you to stick it where the sun don't shine!" and he storms out with his phone to his ear.
"What do you think Finn? Do you think you need to go? I mean if the medicine is working then it was just a dosage problem but if the medicine is doing the job then…"
Finn has no idea, he hates that place he has more episodes there then he does a whole year at home. But he doesn't know sometimes he's head feels cloudy and he gets the old feeling of self hatred back but it doesn't seem anywhere as bad as it was that night, that whole week. His family and Rachel all are actually listening to him and he thinks that maybe he can do it this time. Before he can answer Kurt is coming back in and he has a very smug look on his face " You sir are going to get a mouth full when my parents get here!" and Finn can't help but smile at how is brother is acting. " and not to mention Rachel Berry..you sir have Rachel Berry on your ass if I was you I would run.. because she's pissed and she's coming up the elevator as we speak" and just like that she busting in the door with one hand on her hip and the other wagging a finger in the doctors face " who even are you? You're not his normal doctor! You can't send him anywhere.. have you lost your mind! No.. no no no no.. Finn is going home you absolute imbecile! Are you even a doctor! GET OUT! " he throws the doctors a sympathetic look as he huffs and looks defeated he stops and looks at Finn and says " think about what I said Finn, it's up to you" but Rachel is walking towards him and a very unnerving speed and he hurries out.
" The nerve of that guy..seriously." and they all fall into the normal pattern, Rachel singing.. Kurt jumping in and Rachel insisting it wasn't a duet.
Nine.
She makes it better, the drugs make his blank but when she's around he can feel everything that is good. His voice is still very raspy but enough that they can hold conversation and that's the best gift ever. The doctors don't know if he'll ever get it back completely but he's okay with what he gets.
He didn't go the asylum, Rachel isn't at the asylum so he knew that wasn't the best answer for him.
Her fathers still don't like the idea of them being together but they don't stop it, she comes over Finns house whenever she has time and sometimes staying the night. He doesn't go to school he figures that he cant be normal and the faster her realizes that the happier he'll be. So he works it out with the school and he does it mostly online. He'll still have to go in with the major test but they said he could come on a weekend and do it when no other kids are there.
When she does stay the night, she gets to sleep in his bed she actually helps with the nightmares and the 30 minutes of deep kissing and touching doesn't hurt either, they haven't had sex mostly because of him. " I don't know what Puck does when he's out so I want to make sure it's safe" and she agreed even though it gets really hard sometimes. He told her she would be his first and she understood that his body probably has been around the block a few times but he hasn't " If that makes sense" she adds and she just smiles and tells him that she's fine with that " I want to go on the pill so that when we do finally do it, it's nothing inbetween us." He kind of loves her more and more everyday.
It's been four months since he's last huge episode when he tried to kill himself. They still come, Sam mostly but he never stays long at all anymore. Puck doesn't come at all which is weird… he's not complaining. His bipolar episodes don't stop either sometimes they find him on the floor rocking back and forth crying and just wanting it to pass because he hates feeling like that. But overall he's happy or at least as happy as he can be he thinks.
"Blaine wants to meet you." Kurt says bursting into his room one evening, " and I know you don't do good with the pressure and meeting new people but you've been doing so good and Mom and Dad love him and I think you would love him and I just really want you both to meet you are the most important people in my life and .."
"Okay"
"Okay? Is that all you're going to say Finn Hudson! This is important! I need you to be excited!" Finn can't help but laugh at how alike his brother and girlfriend are which is kind of creepy but funny. " I've been wanting to meet him but I didn't know if he wanted to meet me or if you even wanted him around all this." He laughs to lighten the mood, " If he can't deal with you Finn he can't deal with me! So it's settled, how's tomorrow for you?" It's not like he's going to be busy, "Sounds good, Kurt."
"It's about time!" is all Rachel says when she comes over and Finn tells her about meeting Blaine, " You are going to love him! And he really cares about Kurt!"
He feels pretty bad today and he can't because today is important today he meets his brother 'soul mate' as Rachel likes to put it. So he adds extra pill for anxiety an hour before Blaine is suppose to be there. They agree to just let them too meet and then after Kurt would come and so on and so on. He's sitting in the living room playing his new video game Rachel got him even though she hates them she knows it keeps him feeling like a regular teenage boy when he feel like couch dip down besides him. He pauses the game and reaches his hand over to Blaine. " Nice to meet you man." He says as Blaine takes his hand " N-n-nice to me-e-t you too, You look different in person. Oh God! I'm sorry I ramble sometimes when Im nervous.. Not that you make me nervous!" Finn can't help but smirk a little because he doesn't think he's nervous because of him being unbalanced I think he's nervous because he knows if he hurt Kurt he would have to answer to him, " chill man, it's good to meet you too. I haven't actually seen any pictures of you because i don't like looking at pictures because they talk to me…." Blaine's face drains and he's super pale that Finn thinks he's about to pass out, until Finn starts laughing hysterically " Just kidding dude, so you and my brother are like really serious huh?" he chuckles at the joke that was meant to make him uncomfortable but what's the fun of being like he is if he can't joke about it. " Yeah Kurt means a lot to me, he's really special." He says with a smile. " yeah he is and I'll kick your ass if you hurt him." He's serious even though he puts a little smile on. "Okay! That's enough of that." Kurt says walking from behind the wall " seriously Finn why must you scare him to death, I think you broke him.. Blaine..Blaine are you okay?" Finn just gets up and walks away turning to corner to see Rachel standing there " that wasn't very nice " She says smiling and pulling him down for a kiss, " I'm protective over the people I love, you should know that I love you the most." He tells her which earns him another kiss. "Lets go to your room." And something about the way she said it feels different.
As soon as they get in his room she hungrily attacks his lips and slips her tongue in his mouth fighting for dominance yet tasting every inch of his mouth and he doing the same.
The pace slows down and it turns from eagerness to wanting to feel everything, right after all their clothes has been discarded and Finns mouth has loved every part of her body he lines himself up with her and looks at her for acceptance she leans up and captures his mouth with her and he takes that as a yes so she eases in not wanting to hurt to too much. Once he's fully in he doesn't move and lets her adjust to his size (which he's always known was pretty big) before she takes his face in her hands and whispers " make love to me Finn" he starts to move and she slowly starts to make the sounds that easily becomes his favorite. At the end when he's spilling into her he repeats he loves her over and over again before resting besides her. " I never want to do that with someone else." She says and he looks over kisses her soundly and replies " you never will"
how'd you guys like it? Please review it would mean so much!