OUR LIVES, CHAPTER 10: "HERE"
By The Binary Alchemist, 2012
Everything that lives has to die. That is the nature of this world
A soul impacts other souls and lives on in other hearts
Everything in this world flows and circulates—that goes for human lives as well
-Izumi Curtis
Nina Elric wasn't good at crying. Would have been so much easier to just break down and sob like Uncle Al, or to let the tears silently flow like Tinker. Instead her grief was like a cold lump inside her chest and a sick, jittery feeling in her stomach….just like her father.
She's ninety-four. We're lucky to have had her this long. Nana Zumi taught us that life only flows in one direction and that death is nothing to fear. But it's so….heavy….inside me.
"Nina? Honey? I've got your bags packed, dear. Do you want to check to see if I've left anything out?" Gracia slipped her arm around the girl's waist. As soon as Roy called her she and Elycia hurried over to the Hohenheim to help their friends any way they could. Elycia had fixed a generous hamper of food for the trip—not that anyone would feel much like eating, so there were also simple nourishing snacks of cheese and crackers and fruit. She'd headed over to the older sibling's rooms to make sure he was ready, finding Jean Havoc with everything well in hand and Maes bearing up as best as he could, for the young man loved his great grandmother very dearly.
"It's good. I'm sure." Why did her hands feel so cold? Just the smell of the food coming from the hamper made her want to vomit. "Is Tinker okay?"
Gracia's smile was very gentle. "Honey, nobody is okay today. Nobody has to be okay. But you're not alone…never, ever." She hugged Nina tightly, gently rubbing the rigid shoulders.
###
"Collins, I've called Mrs. Bradley and informed her that you will be staying on a bit longer yet. At the moment you'll be needed here."
The young butler nodded to his Majordomo. "Thank you, Sir. I will also call her myself and offer my apologies. If there is time I will stop by and introduce myself to Mrs. Bradley and Master Selim."
Sebastian nodded. He'd done well with this boy, guiding him carefully up through the household ranks, not simply to serve as a butler but to serve and protect His Excellency above all. "Present arms."
A flick of both wrists and a throwing knife slid into each hand. A discreet flip of his jacket lapels revealed loaded sidearms. "Pockets?" A fine coil of garroting wire and a sealed phial with a single dose of cyanide were revealed. The capsule was for himself if he were to find himself in a compromising situation and no way out. An enemy might take him captive but they would never take him alive…at least not for long. Sebastian nodded. "Good man. Well done. Carry on, Collins."
"Yes sir!"
###
The two battered brown valises were packed yet again with Sebastian's ruthless efficiency. A garment bag sat in the hall beside them, bearing Edward and Alphonse's best black suits. Silk black armbands, one for each of the brothers and one for Maes who didn't own one, were thoughtfully included. Havoc would drive Maes and Nina to the airfield where Edward and Alphonse would meet them, driven by Colonel Hawkeye. Havoc would be escorting the Elric family to Resembool and when they arrived at the depot an army staff car would be at their disposal.
There was nothing for Ed to do but fidget and snap at people. Eventually, even Alphonse retreated. He fully understood his brother was battling with his own emotions but that didn't mean Alphonse was in the mood to put up with them. After all, he recalled, once upon a time they had been two little boys in a graveyard—the same graveyard where Pinako would rest—and it was Ed who refused to accept that their precious mother was gone. It was Ed who railed against death, Ed who couldn't move on—and Ed who never stopped beating himself up over what that character flaw had cost them both.
He had warned Roy. "This is going to be bad." Roy nodded, clapping Alphonse on the shoulder without a word before heading up to the room he shared with his lover. There were going to be fireworks, most likely, and Al decided the best thing he could do was catch a cab to the dorms and see if Maes and Nina needed any help. There was a damn good chance Ed was going to throw a punch at something—and if it happened to be Alphonse there was no guarantee that Al wasn't going to clock him back. It would be awful if Granny's last words to the Elric brothers she'd midwifed into this world were "can't you boys behave?"
###
"Ice?" Roy's hand—the one that wasn't cupping his left eye—gestured towards their private sitting room. Sebastian always kept the sideboard well stocked. It was a point of honor that both the ice bucket and the state-of-the-art electric coffee percolator were at the ready on the bar, since Roy and Ed often relaxed their with family and friends. Ed grabbed one of the clean linen tea towels stored in the sideboard, scooped up a handful of cracked ice and improvised a compress for His Excellency.
"Fuck…I'm sorry. I….damn. Roy-"
The free hand gestured for Ed to shut the hell up. "What time's your flight?"
"I thought we were leaving at ten, but the when Havoc called me he said 11:30—"
"The airship leaves at ten, but there's a transport flight to East City tonight. Twelve-seater puddle jumper, but it will get you there faster, if you don't mind riding with the mail."
Despite his mood, Ed looked interested. "A Handley-Page?"
Roy shook his head and instantly regretted it. "Armstrong Argosy."
"That seats fourteen, and Armstrong would be pissed to hear an Argosy called a 'puddle jumper'." The limited run of the three-engine Armstrong Argosy aeroplanes was due to their higher standards of passenger comfort. Their famous "Silver Wing" service route was the first passenger air service to Aerugo and Table City and would soon carry up to twenty passengers in first class luxury to the Imperial City in Xing.
"Technically it's for military officers, but that's a waste of taxpayer's money. I had it modified and now it runs express air mail and parcels between the region capitals. I'm surprised you didn't know."
"I design the fuckin' engines—I don't know who routes 'em where." He turned away, feeling awkward. He'd just…swung out in frustration when all Roy was trying to do was offer him comfort. It was the dumbest thing he'd ever done and he felt sick about it. No different than Winry decking me with a wrench for pissing her off. I can't say shit about that anymore. Guess I'm just as bad…no, I'm worse. She grew up and got over it. I'm fuckin' thirty-six years old and there's no damned excuse.
He touched his lover's shoulder. "No damned excuse," he echoed his thoughts. "How bad it is?"
Roy shrugged. "At least your hand is flesh these days. If you'd been fifteen you'd have gone out the back of my head."
"Lemme see….goddamn…that's gonna leave a -"
"A rather impressive shiner. I expect I'll have to enlist Ross to help me cover it up for the newsreel cameras." Roy smiled slightly. His head was still ringing slightly. Edward didn't have to punch as many people out as he did in his teens but his fighting strength hadn't diminished one whit since The Promised Day. "I fear I'm slowing down. Should have ducked."
"Should have decked me back, damn it." Ed sighed heavily. "I deserve it."
"Don't tempt me." There was a chuckle from behind the ice pack. "I could light your pony tail like a fuse and you know it. But under the circumstances, forget it. You can't handle death."
"I—"
A sharp look shut him up. "Let me finish. You're tough, Ed. Sometimes too tough—on the outside. I know you too damn well. You go to such lengths to be a hardass—you haven't changed all that much since the Promised day. You've got this damned stupid image of yourself as being ten foot tall and bullet proof…and at the same time you know damn well you're eating your guts out because you care too damn much about other people. You know it's the truth—so don't stomp off like a kid. Shut up and listen to me…for once."
Ed glared at him. That was good, Roy told himself. He needs to get this out of his system before he goes back to Resembool wound up tight and gets into a shouting match with Winry or starts in on Al. Pinako doesn't need a ruckus at the end.
"Ed, if you didn't have a heart our kids wouldn't have turned out as well as they have. Maes and Nina taught you that it's not a sign of weakness to feel emotion. Nina's got that same attitude and I'm worried it's going to break her some day, but Maes…he's the best of you, Ed. I see him and I see you the way you are when you've got your guard down. And I'm just as bad—no, I'm worse. I'm a soldier. I was trained to kill people and watch my comrades die and never break step…never cry for them…never lose my composure. You were with me in the tunnels, Ed. You saw me with Envy. You saw me break." Putting down the cold compress Roy faced Ed full on, his left eye purpled and swollen. "And right now…right now…you're about to break because you can't stand to lose another mother…even though she's lived a long, good life. Pinako raised you, she was a mother to you when Tricia died, even more than Izumi….and it's breaking your heart to say goodbye. Give me your hand."
The knuckles were reddened. Fleetingly, Roy felt a hint of satisfaction that it must have hurt Edward at least a little bit when his fist made contact with Roy's face. Roy guided the offending hand in between the crisp folds of his shirt until it rested over Roy's heart. "Look at me."
Ed obeyed, his own gaze guarded, not wanting to own up to the truth of the injury he had obviously done to the man he loved. Had Winry ever felt that sickening pang of regret after hitting him? She must have, he reckoned. It's a hell of a shock to look at someone you love and see your anger raise a bruise or make them bleed. Question is, is that shock stronger than your anger? It wasn't for her back then, maybe, but it fucking well is for me right now. But I understand her a little more now. Helluva way to behave.
"One day, this heartbeat is going to stop."
Ed felt sick, pushed back a rush of panicked thoughts and images. Roy facing down Edison in a back alley. Years later, Roy stoically having a bullet dug out of his shoulder, refusing to go in the OR, appearing in public a few hours later to assure the public he was well and that the sniper's ambitions had come to nothing. So close…damn, he's come so close…I've come so close to losing him…
"This heart will stop. Or," Roy's hand moved to Edward's shirt. "This heart will stop. No way to know when—and that's the way it should be. I don't want to live forever, Ed. Only fools and madmen like the Father or King Xerxes or the idiots in the Old Guard would even try." The scarred hand began to caress, sliding up and into Ed's disheveled hair, gently rubbing the tension at the back of Edward's neck. "I used to believe that there was nothing after death. That was before I passed through the Gateway the second time. Before my sight was returned. Before I saw Hughes." Roy leaned in close, resting his forehead against Edward's. "You know what he said to me. I told you. He told me to stop turning my heart into a grave for him. To go out and risk…and love…because life is short enough and I can't miss a moment of it." Both hands were caressing now, and Ed could feel a burning at the back of his throat. His eyes began to sting. "Ed…one of the greatest gifts we can give someone is to be there for them when they leave us. It's not about us—it's about them. She loves you, Ed. She loves Al and the kids and Winry and Pitt and it's an honor that she loves you so much she wants you to be right there, holding her hand when she goes on….and from what I've seen—what we've both seen, and Al and Izumi too—is that there is a 'going on'. We don't simply end. Whatever there is on the other side of that Gate isn't 'god'—but it's life and energy and what we love isn't gone. It changes, but it isn't gone. And I swear to you," Roy's arms were locked tightly around Ed's shoulders now, "I swear to you, if I go first, I'll wait at the Gate, just like Alphonse, until you come through. Whatever there is, we'll explore it together. If Al could wait, so can I. Okay? In the meantime," his lips grazed Ed's, "I am here. Right now. You're here. Let's not waste it."
###
"Hey."
Her father's voice was very quiet, very gentle. Her face felt like a frozen mask, and when he slipped his arm around her she thought she would fracture like a cracked china doll.
He pressed a kiss on the top of her head. "I've been through the Gate, kiddo. Nothing we love gets lost. Remember that. It just sucks to say goodbye."
Nina buried her face in her father's chest and wept at last.
###
Ruby's cheesecake, Maria Ross decided, was the eighth Deadly Sin. That didn't stop her from indulging in a second slice and a third glass of wine. They'd spent the evening at Ruby's flat making dinner and relaxing. Sheska had been there earlier but about halfway through the President's interview with Donal Samuelson on the radio she'd gotten a call and had to duck back to the office. The other two women spent the rest of the evening pouring over paint samples and wallpaper scraps over a bottle of wine, since Maria was planning on remodeling her kitchen.
They had just concluded that Maria should strip down the old oak cabinets and refinish the natural wood when the phone rang again.
Ruby heard a few 'uh-huh's' and a long silence. The phone clicked in its cradle. Ross buried her face in her hands. "I can't stand it," she groaned. "I just can't stand it any more!"
"What is it?"
"I've got to come in a half hour early all week-and I have to sit in the Presidential box at the gala."
Ruby lifted her eyebrows. "Like that's a bad thing?" Overtime pay and posh seats at the gala didn't sound too bad to her thinking. "C'mon, Maria! You're Mustang's other right hand woman! He knows he can't get by without you! You're a shoe-in for that promotion! You're bright, motivated….you've got great organizational skills. He needs your talents. He needs your input, He needs-"
Maria Ross shook her fist at her unseen boss. "HE NEEDS MY GODDAMN MAKEUP!"
…TO BE CONTINUED