Note: Sorry this took so long. I rewrote it about five times. It had to be perfect. I'm still not sure it is, but it's as close as my meager skills can make it. Enjoy.

Part 6

Kathryn stood in the middle of the darkened Admiral's quarters – her quarters – feeling dwarfed by the size of the empty rooms.

Afsarah Eden's belongings had all been removed weeks ago, but Kathryn, still not entirely accustomed to having unlimited replicator access on this particular ship, hadn't replaced them with any of her own. She'd replicated uniforms and a few clothes, of course, as well as linens for the bed and dishes for the table, even though she'd barely used either. Her mother and sister had gutted her San Francisco apartment in the days following her memorial service and placed everything she owned in storage. She had nothing here, or at least very little, and nothing of significance.

She turned slowly on the spot. As lovely and spacious as these rooms were, they weren't home. Not yet. She doubted they ever would be.

The few things she did cherish were all in Chakotay's quarters. The coffee mug he'd rescued for her. The copy of Dante's Inferno he'd never returned. Her favorite silk nightgown, tucked under his pillow. And Chakotay himself, her island in a sea of confusion and uncertainty, both during their first journey through the Delta Quadrant and now, in the weeks following her forced "suspension."

Kathryn wondered if, after the events of this evening, he would ever be her refuge again. He needed time to think, that much was obvious. Kathryn suspected that, consumed by his concern for her, he'd been ignoring the emotional upheaval her sudden reappearance among the living had caused him.

If the situation weren't so fragile and her own state of mind so precarious, she might have chuckled to herself at the thought that he was the one not taking care of himself this time. Somewhere along the way they'd managed to reverse roles. And what would Chakotay have done in her situation? He might have tried to draw her out at first, but would soon have realized she needed to work through her emotions on her own. He would have bided his time, if reluctantly, and let her come to him when she was ready.

Kathryn resolved to do the same, as difficult as she knew it would be.

With a tired sigh, she wandered into the dark, unfamiliar bedroom and began to strip off her uniform. She'd just hung her jacket in the closet when her comm badge, resting on the bedside table next to her rank insignia, buzzed to life.

"Chakotay to Janeway."

Kathryn stared at it with wide eyes. He needed time to think, yes, but she'd assumed "time" would be a matter of days, not just a couple of hours.

The comm crackled again.

"Chakotay to Janeway?" His voice was more hesitant now. Maybe even afraid.

Kathryn tapped the comm with her fingertip. "Janeway here."

There was a gusty exhalation on the other end of the line. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Kathryn… Can we talk?"

"Of course we can." She frowned at his guarded tone of voice. "Did you think we couldn't?"

"I wasn't sure."

She picked up the comm and cradled it in her palm. "We have to be able to talk. We need to agree to that now, or this is never going to work."

"I know," he replied. "I was just worried that..." She could visualize him in his quarters, shuffling his feet and shaking his head at his own artlessness. "I don't have a lot of experience with this."

For a second, Kathryn wasn't sure what he was referring to. Then it occurred to her in a sudden flash of insight: He'd never been in any kind of long-term loving relationship, as far as she knew, and maybe now in middle age he was only just learning how to navigate those waters. "That's all right," she soothed. "We'll work through it and figure it out together. My place or yours?"

"Actually… That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about."

Kathryn sat down hard on the edge of the bed. She wished she hadn't put it in those terms, but before she could rephrase her question he continued in a softer, gentler voice.

"So why don't you grab whatever you need," he said, "and come home."

She jumped up so fast her head swam a little. "I'm on my way."

She was out the door and headed for the lift before he closed the channel.

Though only one deck and one corridor away, the trip to the Captain's quarters seemed to take hours while a jumble of questions tumbled through her mind. Had he changed his mind about Tom and B'Elanna's baby? Would he allow them to stay? Was the use of the word home deliberate?

When the lift doors slid open again she forced herself to stay outwardly calm, unwilling to expose her emotions to his crew. But the corridor was empty, and so she practically skipped the last few meters to his door, drawing herself up short only when she would have reached for his chime. Before she could touch it, the door opened and she stepped inside.

He was still in his uniform trousers and gray shirt, standing in shadow and framed by starlight just a few meters inside the door. His feet were bare, and even though the brightness of his eyes brought a lump to her throat, it was the sight of his toes, curled inward against the carpet, that went straight to her heart.

"Chakotay," she began, but he took a step toward her, one hand raised, palm up, as if making her an offering.

"I'm sorry," he said. "So sorry, Kathryn. For every damn word I said."

She ignored the offered hand and stepped into his arms. After a startled gasp, he folded her to his chest, tucking her head up under his chin.

"You were right," he continued. "I just wanted to give Tom and B'Elanna something we can't have, but it's not my choice to make. I have no right to force them into something just because I can't have it anymore." Kathryn frowned at that, but let him continue. "There's no regulation against it. Even though I would choose something different for them, you told me once that Starfleet is reluctant to regulate people's personal lives. So my only responsibility here is to make sure they're as safe as possible. We can tell them in the morning. We found a way for Naomi and Icheb. We'll find a way for them."

"We always do."

"Always." He took a shaky breath. "And I know you weren't trying to make a decision for me or undermine my authority. I'm sorry for even implying it. It was out of line, no matter what our personal relationship is."

She hugged him tight. "Why do you think you reacted so strongly?"

He sighed and led her to the couch. Seated together under the stars, Kathryn remembered all the many times she wished she had been able to curl into him like this, all those years ago.

"I probably need to talk to Hugh," he began softly, "but I think I just…panicked."

"That doesn't seem like you."

"No, it doesn't. And that's why I need Hugh's advice." He smoothed her hair away from her face. "It took me a long time to find myself after you were gone, Kathryn. I felt…scattered. Like a statue shattered into a million pieces."

"Broken," she offered.

"Yes. Broken. I had to put myself back together You being back in my life… It's nothing less than a gift. But it's a foundational change. I don't feel broken this time, so much as...shaken. I want to be with you like this more than anything. You know that."

"Of course."

"But I don't want to lose the man I've become, either. As difficult as those fourteen months were, I don't want to forget them."

"I would never ask you to."

"I know. But for a minute this afternoon, just a split second, I thought I had forgotten. And it rattled me. I think that's why I reacted the way I did."

They were both silent for a long moment. Kathryn listened to the sound of his breathing in the darkness, felt his strong heart beating beneath her cheek. "I'm sorry I accused you of letting your emotions drive your decisions."

He chuckled softly. "You were right, though. I do have a habit of feeling first and thinking later."

She drew back to look into his eyes. "It's one of the things I've always loved about you, Chakotay. I have a tendency to…overanalyze things sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

She poked him in the ribs. "I'm trying to pay you a compliment, Captain."

"Then by all means, Admiral. Proceed."

She nestled against his chest again. "You have the ability to cut right to the heart of the matter when I would gnaw at tiny details until I made us both crazy."

"We complement each other."

She nodded. "I think it's one of the reasons we worked so well from the start."

He bent to nuzzle the top of her head. "That, and the fact that I was madly in love with you?"

"That too."

He reached down and tilted her face up to his for a tender kiss. When he drew back again his eyes were very bright and full. "I love you, Kathryn. I'm sorry I accused you of walking out on a fight."

"I love you, too. I was only trying to give you space to think."

He gave her a sheepish grin. "And realize what an ass I was being?"

She smiled in response, glad he could make a joke about it. "Something like that, yes."

He took a deep breath. "Are you still willing to give up your quarters?"

"That depends." She looked up at him with the most innocent expression she could muster. "Do you think the Captain can find somewhere else to put me?"

This time, his kiss was far less tender. "The Captain has some very specific ideas about where he'd like to put you, Admiral."

He started to pull her up off the couch and toward the bedroom – their bedroom – but she drew him back down beside her. "Can you explain something to me first?"

"I'll try."

"When you said you just wanted to give Tom and B'Elanna what we can't have, what did you mean?"

He backed away from her, his face suddenly in full shadow, unreadable in the dimness. "I just meant that we've made our choice to stay out here instead of going back. That's all."

She shook her head, watching him. She could almost feel the sudden tension radiating off him. "That's not what you said. You said you had no right to force them into something because you couldn't have it anymore."

His shoulders slumped. "Can we drop this for now?"

"No, we can't." She peered at him, certain from his change in mood that he was hiding something from her. "We've just agreed that we have to be able to talk. But there's something you're not saying, Chakotay. Something you feel deeply, but you're not sharing it with me. That's a habit you have to break if this is going to work." She reached across the couch and slipped her hand into his. "If we're going to work," she added.

"I know," he whispered. "But it's so hard."

"It hasn't always been. It used to be very clear what you were feeling." She smiled and brushed his cheek with her fingertips. "Even disguised as a story or a gift. I always knew what you were feeling."

His lips twisted into a grimace. "Grief changes you."

"I know," she murmured. "I've been there."

"And that's the other reason I can't tell you. I won't ask you to risk going through it again."

Bewildered now, Kathryn let go scooted to the far corner of the couch. "I don't understand."

He gave his head a little shake and smiled, but she could see that it was forced. "There is something that I want and have wanted for a long time. I didn't realize how badly I wanted it until tonight. But our decision to stay out here has put it out of my reach. Maybe not forever, but for the next few years." He smiled again, and this time it was genuine. "But I'm not one to put off today waiting for a tomorrow that might not come, so I've made peace with it. I almost forgot how grateful I am that we're together at all and got greedy. Having you here, having you tell me that you love me… It's enough. I'm not about to tempt the Universe by asking for more."

She blinked, almost unable to keep up with his thoughts and his changing moods. "Is there something you need from me that I haven't given you?"

"No, Kathryn. Never. It's just me." He sighed and ran a hand through his rapidly graying hair. "Just a middle-aged man wishing for more than he deserves."

"Something Tom and B'Elanna already have," she offered.

"Something they could have, but don't want. And that's their choice."

"But it wouldn't have been your choice?"

"I made my choice."

She rubbed her forehead. "Talking in circles may be another habit we have to break."

He chuckled. "Actually, I think this is a new one. We've usually been pretty straightforward with each other."

She threw him a disbelieving look. "Have we? Tell me: How long was it between your breakup with Seven and Proxima, Chakotay?"

"Point taken," he said. "But I think by then we were both so accustomed to not talking about what was between us that we didn't know how to even start the conversation."

"We were used to hiding from each other."

"Exactly," he said. "But we don't have to do that anymore. We can't do that anymore."

She quirked an eyebrow at him.

"I mean… Damn," he breathed. "I forgot how good you are at that." He rubbed his chin. "All right, Kathryn… I'll tell you. But try to remember that this isn't necessarily something I need from you. It's something I wanted for us, but I realized tonight it won't happen. And that's all right."

"You've made peace with it."

He nodded. "I have."

She patted the sofa next to her. "Tell me what's so important to you, then. Maybe it's not as out of reach as you think."

He gave her a sad smile. "Oh, I think it is."

"We'll see."

With a sigh, he slid close and took her hand in both of his. "We were supposed to meet in Venice," he began, and after catching her breath at the unexpected change in topic, she nodded. "Well, I went. I was waiting in the café for you. That's where I was when…" He swallowed hard. "Your mother and sister sent Mark Johnson to tell me."

Kathryn gasped and pressed her fingers to her lips. "I didn't know that."

He nodded. "I sat there for hours, thinking about what our life together might be like. We'd talked a few times over subspace, but I'd never articulated any of it, not even to myself. But sitting there that afternoon… I had time to think about what I really wanted out of life, for myself and for us. And I was finally going to tell you."

He paused, gathering his thoughts, until she couldn't stand it anymore. "And?"

"It's everything Tom and B'Elanna could have now, but have chosen against. A place they never have to leave if they don't want to. A home to fill up with love and laughter and memories." He gave her hand a soft squeeze. "I was going to give up my command and take a desk job to be with you. I was even thinking about resigning my commission and going back to teaching. Whatever it took for us to be together, to grow old together, I was willing to do."

She cocked her head to one side, trying to understand what he wasn't saying. "You were going to ask me to move in with you?"

"Kathryn…" He leaned forward to peer into her eyes. "I was going to propose."

Kathryn's heart leapt into her throat as everything – the drinking, the desolation, the difficult journey out of despair – clicked into place and she suddenly comprehended both the depth of his hurt and his concern for the Paris family. "But then Mark came."

Blinking back sudden tears, he nodded. "Mark came, and I knew. He didn't even have to say anything. I knew. And I was afraid I'd never be the same."

"'Grief changes you,'" she whispered, repeating his own words back to him.

"It does," he agreed. "I finally understood what you'd been through when you lost Justin and then Mark." He took both of her hands in his. "And I won't put you through that again. I won't make you choose between me and Starfleet. Sharing quarters… It's the deepest commitment we can make now."

"Why?"

He frowned at her a little. "Because we both know how dangerous it is out here. I could climb into a shuttlecraft tomorrow and never come back."

She raised her chin. "And how is that different from our first trip through the Delta Quadrant?" His face hardened and she shook her head in frustration. "I'm not talking about your piloting skills, I'm talking about the dangers we face now and the dangers we faced then. They're the same, but we know more now than we did then."

"We do," he conceded, pulling her hands to his heart. "But we weren't together then."

"Do you think I would have grieved less if I had lost you then?"

He stared at her. "You wouldn't?"

She pulled their clasped hands to her lips, pressing kisses to his fingers. "I would have grieved, Chakotay. Not for what I lost, but for what we never had. And that may be even worse."

"I didn't know that," he choked. "I didn't realize-"

"Because I never let you see. I couldn't. You know why." He nodded. "But losing you out there…it would have destroyed me. I'd have done my utmost to get them home, but my sanity wouldn't have survived the trip."

"Kathryn…"

"You were going to propose to me that day in Venice."

"Yes."

"But now you're not?"

"I don't think I should," he whispered. "I don't think I can."

"Yes, you can," she said. "Because I can." Kathryn extricated her hands from his and cupped his beloved face in her palms. "All these years, you've sacrificed what you wanted to protect my heart. It's time I protected yours just as fiercely." She raised herself just far enough to press a soft kiss to his lips.

"I love you, Chakotay," she said. "I've loved you for a long time. I want what you want: A home. A life. I want us to grow old together, just as much as you do. I know our lives are dangerous and every day out here is a risk, but I'm willing to take that risk. Maybe this is not the ideal beginning that you imagined, but it is a beginning. You are my rock, my foundation. With you, I know I'm never alone. I want you to be just as sure of my devotion as I've always been of yours."

Before he could react, before she could talk herself out of it, she slid to one knee in front of him, his hands folded in hers again. "Chakotay, will you marry me?"

Her words fell on his heart like the first golden rays of dawn after a long and lonely night. They brightened every shadowy corner of his mind and healed the dark and devastating wounds crushing grief had left behind. As he pulled her up and into his arms, his tear-streaked face pressed to her soft belly, and felt her wrap herself around his shaking body, he chanted out her name, over and over again, a mantra, a prayer, a refrain of hope and love. When she bent over him and answered with his own name in the same fashion, her lips pressed to his forehead, he knew that they had truly come full circle. They had traveled across the galaxy to find each other, only to discover that they'd been home all along.

-END Part 6-