OUR LIVES, CHAPTER 46: "IDIOTS"
By the Binary Alchemist, 2015
"Well, that's a waste of a perfectly beautiful erection."
A hot hand trailed lazily down the length of Ed's spine as he sat on the edge of the bed, fumbling for his glasses. "You're absolutely sure you can't stay and play…hmmmmmm?"
Damn that Mustang. Ed gritted his teeth and tugged on his boxers, his own cock twitching in response to the rough purr in his husband's voice. "I gave my word to Ling, didn't I? Somebody's got to get Maude to North City and make damn sure she gets to the San and gets checked in. Hell of a way to wreck half of my day, but it can't be helped."
The hand was replaced by a tongue, which was so unfair it was downright ungentlemanly. "We could ..come… together," Roy whispered. "Maybe show Maude a little…in-flight entertainment."
"Huh!" Ed made a face like a cat licking shit out of its own fur. "Even for you, that's disgusting! Besides, you've got that radio interview this morning with Garrison Moyers, right?"
"Damn. Well, I guess it will keep until you get home. Want to go for a ride tonight?"
"Depends on who's getting ridden…."
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"Kelly Winchell said she wouldn't set foot on a plane with Edward Elric in it," Jean Havoc informed the ground crew. "And Alphonse was…entertaining some guests when we called. " Yeah. Havoc thought with a grin. Two or three guests, and they were rolling around the kitchen floor with Al and drizzling pancake syrup all over each other and licking it off. Lucky bastard. "Soon as Alphonse gets her out here, we'll take off." Havoc crushed out his filter-tip on the tarmac and adjusted his sunglasses.
"Bright and early" suited Havoc fine as a rule, but it was a little brighter this morning than it needed to be. He was pretty worn out, truth be told. He's spent some time with the Elric family the night before while Riza was on duty, and he'd stayed up too late, eaten too much good food and laughed too hard at Maes' newest acquisition: a type of 'picture radio' transmission device called a television camera. Television had been invented in the mid-20's, but only in recent years had anybody taken any real interest in it. Maes had finally gotten his hands on some Drachman equipment a few days ago and Havoc and the family had sat up late into the night watching the young genius going amusingly half-mad trying to get the camera and receiver set up. "There's a Marconi tower station at Radio Central," Maes had chattered excitedly. "They got in an experimental transmitter a month ago. There's about hundred other receivers in Central—and Dr. Tesla and I went to talk to them to see if maybe we can broadcast the election returns. This could be a whole new wave of reporting, Dad!"
The crew had spent the evening eating pizza, drinking beer and unloading and sorting out the colossal mess of wires, tubes and cabinets, the task becoming more complicated as they finished off the first couple of mugs. Havoc had headed home around three in the morning and was now blinking painfully into the sunrise and wishing he was curled up in bed with his lovely wife and the assorted half dozen puppies that always managed to sneak in and share their sleeping arrangements.
His half-drowsy reverie came to an abrupt ending with the sound of Maes' motorcycle and side car screeching up the tarmac. "What the hell-?"
It was a good thing that both Alphonse and Sheng Yao were wearing helmets, otherwise Winchell would have brained them both with the wild arcs of her swinging handbag. "That's enough, Maude" Alphonse was barely smiling now. "Behave yourself. You're not a child. I'm sure you don't want to travel to the San in restraints, do you?"
Havoc cringed inwardly. So this was how it's going to be, eh? Crazy broad decks the goddamn Emperor of Xing, manages to get out of jail because Sheng's a fast talker with a soft heart, and she still can't quit acting out like a damn five year old.
Laying his helmet aside, Sheng dismounted and for the first time, Havoc noted, the young prince was wearing the starched white doctor's coat. The badge pinned over the pocket read "Hohenheim Institute School Of Medicine, S. Yao, PA". So the kid's made Physician's Assistant, huh? Good for him. And if he decides to work on a psych ward, ol' Maude will be a good learning experience.
Havoc offered his hand to the prince. "So what's all the ruckus about?"
"A minor misunderstanding. I had informed Miss Winchell that she only needed a small bag of essential items. Everything else will be provided for her. She was under the mistaken impression that she needed a half dozen bags, including a special case for her makeup and wigs."
"No fooling?"
The young Xingese was smiling gently, ignoring Winchell's angry curses and threats. "When Alphonse-sama politely declined to load the bags into the car, she threw herself on the pavement and began to scream and kick her heels. Since there is no room for extra bags in a side car, Alphonse-sama decided that this would be the best way to transport her to the flight."
"Wow," Havoc whistled. "Damn! How did you get her in the side car?"
A sly look from under silky black eyebrows. "It wasn't pretty, Havoc-sama."
"I can imagine." There was an ear-bending screech, and Alphonse—in a grumpy mood from having his romp interrupted- swung the older woman up on one brawny shoulder and carried her bodily up the cargo ramp at the rear of the aircraft.
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"Going live in three…two…one…."
"Welcome back to The Morning View. I'm Garrison Moyers, and with us again this morning is President Roy Mustang. This morning we're coming to you live from—and I'm absolutely serious here—the kitchen at Rose Hill, which is the home to President Mustang and his family. Mr. President, this is quite a change from sitting in the formal reception area of your office. I have to say I like it. Good to know that your kitchen table is no less cluttered than any other in Amestris, although the clutter is probably unique to your household."
"Alchemy books, a horse bridle I need repaired—oh, and that cathode-ray vacuum tube that went missing last night. My son has become fascinated by television, Garrison, and we were up half the night putting together his camera and receiver set. You wouldn't believe the mess in the family room this morning. Poor kid was so tired I found him asleep on the floor with his head stuck in the receiver cabinet."
"Television? That's a pretty expensive hobby."
"And every penny of it came out of his own pocket. He and Drs. Sarnoff and Tesla from Stoltovgrad University are experimenting this summer with the first ever educational broadcasts from the Hohenheim. However…it's all pretty experimental. I seriously doubt that Radio Capital is in any danger of competition from an eight inch screen."
"I understand Dr. Sarnoff and his crew are going to have their camera crew down at Election Central to provide live television coverage of the election in a few days."
"That's what I hear. Supposedly there will be a crew at the Samuelson headquarters, and one at the voting precinct in downtown Central, along with the rest of the press."
"And will they be covering your side of the campaign?"
"If they like. I'm all for freedom of the press and equal access to coverage. Strange to think that Donal Samuelson and I will-literally—be making campaign appearances in a few hundred homes and public locations across Amestris at the same time. Even my Aunt Chris has a set in her bar—but I think her patrons would be more interested in seeing the boxing matches in the arena than my good looks, don't you think?"
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"I'm hungry."
Sheng nodded. "Alphonse-sama, I don't imagine you had time for breakfast, did you?"
"Well….I wasn't expecting to take a trip this morning to North City, so—"
"—so I took the liberty to ask Ramsay-sama to prepare some boxed lunches—in that bag there, Havoc-sama. Oh, and the pink box is for Miss Winchell." The young intern smiled warmly at the glowering woman who was perched miserably on a scarred leather bench seat in the cargo hold where they were huddled among the rest of the crates and bundles. After all, the first plane out had been a cargo carrier full of live chickens, produce from the South and mail bundles, and Ed frankly didn't care if he even had a seat, as long as there were cargo straps to hang on to in the event of turbulence.
Al and Havoc were soon gnawing happily on roasted herbed chicken legs, grilled spicy peppers stuffed with creamy cheese, a chilled carrot salad, buttered rolls and walnut-studded brownies. Maude had torn eagerly into her own meal and frowned in disgust at a dainty cheese and watercress sandwich with the crusts trimmed off, some sliced cucumbers in vinegar dressing, and a miserly sliver of angelfood cake, drizzled with a tiny bit of lemon jelly. She wolfed it down and seemed to be positively sniffing in the direction of the men's repasts.
She turned and glared at Sheng. "You're not eating?"
"Indeed. I have a bento of traditional foods from the Five Jewels, my mother's people." He held up an elegant stack of small lacquered boxes, bound together by silk cords. Opening the top box, he displayed a small quantity of raw fish and rice generously sprinkled with shredded seaweed and sesame seeds. "This is my luncheon, but the other trays have treats to share. Would you care to try them?"
The lid to the middle tray was removed and Havoc leaned forward, grinning. "Haven't seen these in ages!"
Al was smiling as he reached in with a pair of chopsticks. "Wow! Didn't know you could get these around here! Did you make them, Sheng?"
"Freshly fried. They were delivered yesterday. Mother had them sent down with Father, since you can't find them in Central. Here, Miss Winchell. Try the ones with the eggs—they are the most savory. "
Half a second later, Maude Kelley Winchell had managed to crawl halfway up to the cabin's ceiling, screaming as she swung from the cargo netting.
Alphonse reached for a rag out of the tool kit. "I do believe she wet herself," he observed, wiping down the seat she had just bolted out of. He waved up to where she swung, shivering with terror. "You all right, Maude?"
"Those….those….th…" she babbled, pointing at the delicacy on the end of Al's chopsticks.
"-are fresh-fried and really good. They roll them in spices before they go in the hot oil. Of course, they defang them first. The oil also burns off all the little hairs so they don't get stuck in your throat."
"You said EGGS!"
"I said, " Sheng Yao clarified, "the ones with eggs. The females."
"I think I'm going to be sick!"
"Yeah, that's what I thought the first time I tried 'em," Havoc offered. "But you know, they taste just like crab. Even see a little bitty bit of meat when you tear the legs off." He tore off another leg and crunched it with obvious enthusiasm. "Eight drumsticks, if you wanna think of it like that."
"You barbarian!" she railed at the prince.
"Not at all," he smiled. "Insects have seventy percent more protein than red meat. Besides, the Five Jewels are crawling with them. A perfectly healthy food source, self sustaining and digging them out of their burrows makes it safer for children and livestock. Oh, well," he shrugged, "if you're still hungry and don't want any of the tarantulas*, I've still got some sliced fruit in the bottom box.
"Have you ever tried durian?"**
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"Ha,haha! Hard to believe that at the turn of the century most of Amestris was at war, had no electricity and rural areas didn't even have gaslights or running water. We had movies at the end of the 1800's, and radio is everywhere now. You were born in 1885; now at the age of fifty, the country is in an unprecedented era of peace and prosperity, and you're going to be the first President of Amestris to appear on a television broadcast. Now, you're a very youthful looking half-century, Sir. Your health is good and you've always been active. Do you think you'll live to see the scientific advances in 1985, if you reach the century mark?"
"Hmmm…..that's…..an interesting question, Garrison. Very interesting indeed…I'd…well….hell, Garrison! I could get hit by a bus tomorrow or fall off my horse or…who knows?"
"I can see that question doesn't make you feel comfortable."
"Well….a lot of foolish people once thought they wanted to live forever. That's been the whole point of the Parliament hearings, the so-called Immortality Project and the Old Guard. We saw what came of that. Nobody can know the span of days they have. Mine could have ended on my wedding day when I was shot. What I do know is that you can't stay in one place forever. You have to keep growing or you'll go out of your mind. My own alchemy teacher told me himself that stagnation was what made him a miserable man. I don't want to ever wake up on a morning when I can't learn something new or make a difference for my country. "
"So, getting back to the topic of the election that's just a few days away, Mr. President. We know that your approval ratings have risen significantly since the hearings at Parliament. But it's also true that there is no way to predict an election of this nature. What are your plans if, for some reason, Samuelson wins his bid for the Presidency?"
"If the people elect my esteemed opponent…it will make no difference—in the sense that I will continue to dedicate my life to service. If I'm not elected, I plan to take a position as Ambassador at Large. The idea that I might travel someday across the ocean and walk on another continent fascinates me—and it's a promise I have made to my husband. Edward has explored nearly every corner of Europa, farther than many other explorers, and he's brought so much of what he's learned to the Hohenheim and the other schools of the Collegium of Alexandria. I gave him my word. When I Ieave office—whenever that might be—we'll go off and see the world together. And if that gives us a chance to offer the hand of friendship and offer a peaceful alliance with other peoples, so much the better.
"Long story short, Garrison: I plan to do all I can for my country—as President or as Ambassador to the world at large. End of story."
#####
"I said he'll pay for the fumigation—if it is necessary."
Sheng Yao looked embarrassed. "As jokes go, I suppose that was…well…rather—"
"Tasteless, Sheng. Fuckin' absolutely tasteless. If you weren't a prince, I'd wanna kick your ass." Havoc was still slightly green and had had to dispose of a half-dozen greaseproof bags filled with his own vomit. "That durian crap may taste like heaven to you guys in Xing and the Jewels, but to us Westerners, it smells like-"
"—the farts escaping from the decayed corpse of a skunk stuffed with rotten onions," Alphonse agreed. "With just a hint of almond custard. That's how Ed describes it." It had taken Al nearly an hour to coax Maude down from the plane's ceiling, and she'd puked three times in the process. Still, he reflected, it was funny. Devious…but funny. In fact it was the very sort of thing that Nina might have come up with—perhaps even did come up with. I bet you anything she had a hand in this. Who else would have gone to the trouble of making that pink lunchbox? Alphonse glanced sidewise at the prince, who was bowing in apology to the pilot. Hmmm…perhaps those two are more suited to one another than Ed thought.
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"Nicely done. You got him sidetracked. Good job."
"Part of a president's job. I didn't want him to start pressing for details about Selim Bradley."
"Dodged another bullet, yeah?"
"Uh huh. So…what are you doing here? You're supposed to be landing in North City right about now."
"Wellllll….somebody got her pantyhose in a wad about me being stuck in a plane with her for hours. Guess she thought I'd do something sadistic, like have some of Cock's Flock riding with us-which would have been a brilliant idea—"
"Ed…"
"Hey! I'm innocent!"
Roy gave his husband a dirty look. "Your lips move when you're lying, Ed. I can tell."
Ed threw up his hands in protest. "For the record, goddamn it, I had nothing to do with it." He paused for dramatic effect. "Nope, Nina and Sheng managed just fine without any help from me. They make a good team."
"They do. Do you think he's going to speak up before the next ice age?"
"Hey, I keep out of my kid's love lives and they keep out of mine." He brightened. "Speaking of which…I know I've got a…tight…schedule….but I think I just might be able to…fit you in."
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"Dr. Tesla! Can you see any image from your end?" Maes stuck his head inside the radio lab at the Hohenheim Institute, Collins and Selim Bradley at his heels. "I set it up, just as you told me."
The charming Cretan smoothed the ends of his mustache, revealing a smile. "Just so, Maes. Is the lighting sufficient? Remember, electronic transmission by cathode ray requires greater illumination."
"I set it up in the main family room. It's the sunniest place in the house. All the curtains are open. Should be light enough. I have the camera pointed at a porcelain cat that Dad bought Nina in Xing when she was a kid. I set it on the turntable of the record player, so it's revolving about 33 and a third revolutions per minute."
"Good, my boy. Good! And we are linked in to the tower at Radio Central, so your hopes of broadcasting outside the city are very possible. The signal is very good this morning. I am hopeful of success with our experiment, and if all goes well, this will work when we attempt to broadcast the election. Are we ready?"
Maes nodded. Slipping on his headphones, he leaned into the microphone. He nodded to Tesla, who struck three notes on a vibraphone as a transmission alert. "Good morning, Amestris! This test transmission is being broadcast via Station W2XAX from the Hohenheim Institute in Central. This is an experimental broadcast using a 334-line scanned image with interlacing for higher resolution. The simultaneous audio of this transmission is brought to you by carrier wave via frequency modulation. This video broadcast will last five minutes, for those of you keeping broadcast logs. Thank you."
#####
"Leave the curtains open?" Ed was ripping at his tie as Roy secured the door behind him. "Kinda bright in here."
"Hmmm. Never know when the press might show up. Close them." Roy glanced around the room. It was slightly less cluttered than it had been in the wee hours when Maes was setting up his camera and receiver. What he intended to do to Ed, on the other hand, was not going to take up a great deal of space…or time, if the rock hard urgency of his cock had any say so in the matter.
"HEY!" Ed found himself being flung rudely against the couch cushions. He struggled to get up, and Roy quickly spun him around so he was kneeling on the couch, holding on to the top, facing the other way. His thighs were pride rudely apart, but before he could complain he could feel a hot, greedy mouth nuzzling him right behind his balls. "Damn…all right!" He squirmed and Roy shifted his position on the floor. There was a loud crash somewhere in the room. "What was that?"
"Don't know. Don't care. Spread your legs."
"Uhhh!" Oh hell, this was just about perfect, Ed decided. Roy had a death grip on his thighs and the slick teasing of that clever tongue was short circuiting Ed's brain. His eyes popped open in pleasant shock as the tongue shifted upwards and slid between his cheeks. He noticed that Nina's favorite china cat was lying on the floor in pieces. Maes can fix it, he decided and turned his attention back to Roy's urgent ministrations.
#####
"The lights are out?" It was a statement, not a question. Tesla adjusted the image. The screen was dim grey and the revolving china cat was out of the camera's focus. "Have we lost audio? Check the levels, please, Maes."
"Not that there's much to hear, but we should hear the radio in the room. Sounds like some crime drama." He glanced at Collins. "Too early for Precinct Seven, right? At least we can log the audio signal. Can you turn it up, Dr. Tesla?"
#####
"Ohhh…you're killing me, you bastard!" Roy's chest was soldered to Ed's sweaty back, hips grinding hard against his ass. "Harder!" His thighs were straining, Roy was biting down hard on the sensitive spot at the back of Ed's neck and, goddamn it, life just didn't get any better. Ed let out an enthusiastic yelp of delight and Roy snarled back, affirming their mutual delight in pummeling furniture and pounding into one another.
"You want hard? Then take it….uhhhhhgrrghhhh!" The soft symphony on the radio was completely drowned out by the sound of slapping flesh and primal groaning.
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"What the hell?" Chris Mustang reached over and flipped the volume control on her television. Confined to a wheelchair, she'd taken quite and interest in the new media and turned her set on in the restaurant to entertain her patrons, who turned out in droves to see the sporadic broadcasts. Wasn't this one of Maes' tests? Or was it…?
"OHHHSHITOHHSHIT! FUCK! YEAH!! HARDER! HARDER!AGGHHHHHHGGGHGGGG!"
"Idiots." She switched off the set.
"Was that—?" Rebecca asked, face drained in horror at having heard Roy and Edward's depraved rampage.
"Yeah. A little campaigning by my idiot boy. Guess he's trying to prove that he's…a hard man to beat."
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Once he'd gotten his composure back, Maes switched off the signal feed and leaned into the microphone. "This episode," he adlibbed," of Undercover Dicks was brought to you by…."
…TO BE CONTINUED….
*Deep fried tarantulas are an actual snack, highly prized in parts of Southeast Asia, very rich in protein. If you're brave enough to try them, the website Thailand Unique sells them in cans. And no, I haven't tried them!
**Durian—an exceptionally foul smelling fruit that is a delicacy in parts of Southeast Asia.