As the autumnal equinox and my coming of age day approached, the city steadily thinned. Almost the entire forest had emptied of elves, Oropher among them. Thranduil had been busy organizing the late arrivals and I had begun to miss his friendship. The empty halls of the palace echoed with loneliness and silence, and I ached to have been able to celebrate before the war preparations had begun. The unfairness of my social deprivation had me settled in depression.
It was late in the evening on the equinox when there was a knock at my door. I wrapped myself in a thick robe before opening the door. Thranduil stepped over the threshold, holding two small cakes, a pitcher of wine and two glasses in his arms.
"I thought we might celebrate," He set the goods on my desk. "Since your party was cancelled – you were looking forward to it so."
"You are very welcome here!" I said. I bolted the door – a recent habit, and poured wine for the both of us. "I could have sworn I was doomed to celebrate alone."
"I would never leave you alone," Thranduil said, accepting a glass. We sat by the window.
"How soon will you depart?" I asked.
"A week's time. I thought you were to join us."
"I will not," I lamented. "I received orders form Lórien – I am to report there for the time being. The letter arrived today."
"Lórien! But why?"
"I am under the impression that I am to run messages between commanders. I am sure that I will arrive at the fighting before long."
Thranduil's face was borderline murderous. "Messengers are the targeted ones – the Úlairi will hunt you!"
"Fortunately, I do not fear the wraiths, however twisted they have been by Sauron," I looked at him with level eyes. "And I have always believed that my duty outweighs any discomforts."
"Including death?"
"Death will reign over many in the coming months," I reminded him. "There is no better way to die than in the service of my king."
Thranduil was silent as he gazed out of the window at the twinkling stars. The companionable silence was comforting, and I knew that it would be our only peace for a very long time. I grew drowsy from the wine and complacent from the amity, holding Thranduil's hand. He did not resist. I looked out into the forest at the thinning leaves, breathing the tangy scent of damp leaves. The moon was bright, and its light made the forest seem almost silver.
"I will miss the beauty of the woods," I said. "I doubt there will be much time for contemplation and enjoyment of such magnificence in the months to come."
Thranduil quirked an eyebrow. "I would have assumed that you would find the sight of handsome elves in armor to be magnificent enough."
"Your argument is valid," I conceded as a smile grew on my face. "Now I grow excited to spend time among the army!"
"I was teasing," Thranduil scolded. "You should not speak so lightly of elves going to their deaths."
"You are gloomy tonight."
"Merely accepting the fate of our people."
"Do you believe that we will be defeated?" I asked.
"I do not know," Thranduil said. "Sauron is very powerful and has many resources at his disposal. I wish not to be unrealistic."
"We are powerful as well," I objected. "And we are many. I would venture to declare that with Galadriel, Gil-galad, Elrond and your father, we are nearly unbeatable against any other foe."
"I take comfort in your hope," Thranduil smiled at me. "As well as the thought that you will not be present for all of the fighting – I hope that that will keep you safer, despite the Úlairi." He reached out and stroked my cheek with a long finger.
I shuddered at the spark of longing that jolted my body.
"Caradel…" he murmured, eyes darkening. "I have a confession."
"What is it?" I asked softly, fearing the answer.
"I care deeply for you, no longer as merely friends...to you my heart is already tied." His voice was a tender and caressing whisper.
He loved me! I felt my face body stiffen at his declaration as I stared into his mournful eyes. His expression of yearning wretched my heart – with disgust or wanting, I did not know.
"You cannot," I whispered.
"I do," he wove his fingers in my hair. "I did not wish to take leave of you without you knowing how I feel towards you." His body moved towards mine, and I was paralyzed. I watched as his eyes closed and he burrowed his nose in my hair, breathing in deeply. His other arm was wrapped tightly around my waist. My own eyes closed to be so near the solid expanse. How was I so affected by this closeness? I had never felt so weak. I felt his lips travel down my forehead, and I knew what he was going to do. I could feel his mouth hovering over mine, and I opened my eyes to see his staring back at me, as if asking permission. My own mouth was parted slightly in surprise, and my breath came out in a ragged puff.
"Please…" he whispered.
My heart was beating too fast to respond. I wanted to give my consent – but my dry throat caught the words. It was fortunate that Thranduil knew me so well, for he understood what I wanted.
His lips were gentle and slow, and I felt as if my insides had dropped to my feet. My arms trembled and I was grateful for his grip on them, holding me steady. His breath was warm and reminded me of the pine needles that scattered the ground in the forest. I could not stop my hands from clutching his chest. I was falling, falling, into an oblivion of yearning as he tightened his hold on me.
We stood like this for several minutes. I could have held the position for much longer, so content was I, but Thranduil broke away first, cradling me in his arms and pressing his lips to the top of my head.
He laughed then, the sound vibrating in chest and causing my breath to catch. "You are wonderful," he murmured. "I have never felt so joyful. I feel as if I could sing!"
"Don't," I said, still shaky. "You lack the skill to make the sound pleasing to any ears." I looked up and our gazes caught, and once more I felt need sweep across my body. His enamored expression would have caused me to laugh if I was not feeling lost to similar emotions.
"Will you pledge yourself to me?" Thranduil asked.*
My hazy mind was jolted. "I - no!" I exclaimed.
Confusion crossed the prince's face.
"I meant – I am sorry," I pulled away from his gentle hold and turned to step away so that he was facing my back. "I – do not love you. We have fought too long – how would that translate to a marriage? Besides – war is hardly the proper time for such things." I was struggling to suppress my feelings, but still the thought of what I was saying made the heat in my body turn to chill.
At the continued silence from Thranduil, I turned, and his dejected face was worse than I had imagined. "Linna qui admelant," he said. "I will never love again."
It was true, for the love of the Firstborn comes only once in a lifetime, and the pain I was causing my closest friend made me feel regret so deeply that I thought I might collapse. "I am sorry," I said, lips trembling. "Please – I do not wish to lose your friendship."
Thranduil nodded, his eyes still on me. "It will be as you wish," he bowed slightly and he turned to leave the room. Once the door shut with the finality of what I had done, I fell to my knees and cradled my head in my hands. How could I be so foolish! He was too tender – he would never recover. I could have at least pretended to love him to give him hope to carry into battle. Now he was broken, and I was to blame.
I rose the next morn to watch the final legion set out. A few snowflakes were descending from the gloomy, grey sky, and I wrapped myself in a dark green cloak against the cold. It matched my mood – I was miserable after a restless night. Thranduil was resplendent in armor of green as he rode at the front of the ranks, and his stern face contributed to the image of a perfect elven commander-prince. When he saw me he dismounted and we walked a short distance from the other warriors for privacy.
"I did not expect to see you this morning," Thranduil said.
"I could not miss such an important occasion," I said, trying to lighten the mood. "The great prince's first command!"
"Don't say that!"
I was thoroughly berated.
"I will miss you," he said, calming himself. We clasped hands in the traditional parting. "Until next we meet," Thranduil said.
"My heart shall weep until we meet again," I responded, and I stood on my tiptoes to kiss his forehead. At his doubtful glance, I hit him in the arm. "I mean it, you dunce!"
Thranduil finally smiled. "Journey safely. If you are ever near where I am stationed, please come – even if only for a brief while."
"I will," I promised. He let go of my hand and returned to his post. Soon he was cantering out of the meadow and my sight, and there were no bird sounds or noises of good wishes as the warriors, a cold sight in their silver armor, disappeared into the trees.
*The Eldar wedded for most part in their youth... (The History of Middle Earth vol 12. "Laws and Customs of the Eldar".) In this context, Thranduil proposing marriage straightaway is less preposterous.