In that moment I could swear that my beats were paralyzed, I forgot how to breathe and my head was spinning, his words were going round my head and stabbed my heart as a knife. 'How can this be happening? There's no way this can be true' that was all I thought.
"Are you… completely sure about this?" I asked with a broken voice while my eyes filled themselves with tears waiting for the confirmation to finally fall down to my cheeks, making the terrible theory become an unavoidable truth.
"Yes, highness. I'm afraid it's truth, the exams show it very clear, and I myself couldn't believe it either, but I'll find a solution, for now we should tell your servants to make sure they take good care of you." I was frozen in my misery, something like that just couldn't happen to me, how much more pain would I have to bear until something finally went right? I covered my mouth with one hand so he wouldn't listen to my sobbing; it took time for me to speak again.
"How is this even possible? Are you sure there's no mistake?" he shook his head looking sad.
"I'm so sorry, your highness. I wish I could've tell it to you earlier…" at that point there was no good reason to hide what I truly felt, I began to mourn, feeling the weight of the world on me. My tears burned like my resignation to failure, what would I do? How would you explain this to everyone? My tragedy meant not only a bad thing for me, but for all the crown and country. At that second I was a loner about to drown in the terrible destiny I had made for myself. Someone knocked the nursery's door making me shake and I had to stop the tears.
"His highness requires the presence of the princess, please" I recognized Mr. Leeroy's voice at my back, I sighed and stood up.
"Highness, you shouldn't really worry about other matters now that you know what's happening" Doctor Stevens surely sounded nervous and concerned, but what was the point of staying there and doing nothing? I said goodbye with a wave and followed Mr. Leeroy with a trembling step like the prisoner who walks to serve his sentence.
I got to Maxon's office with my eyes to the floor, the playback screen was on and my husband and Carter looked scared, the diplomats didn't look as uneasy as he did but they looked angry, how fast did the gossips get to the palace people's ears?
"You should see this, honey" he said while rubbing my arms, he had absolutely no idea of how big my sorrow was, the video played and for my good luck it was Emperor Cho who was talking.
"Good morning, dear leaders of Illéa! Greetings from New Asia to you all, though you shouldn't be so happy about anything now. After the little incident we had at The Royal Encounter I've come to a conclusion: The princes have a big mouth but a small brain, It was very brave from you to defend your wife as you did, Prince Maxon, but still it was a bit was a little inappropriate and imprudent from you to say something like that, what would your parents think if they would've heard what I heard? You should be ashamed, but more than ashamed you should be scared. The warnings were sent not so long ago, and anyways you decided to proceed the way you did, so now… My proposal becomes a threatening, I'll give you three weeks and no more to report pregnancy news, if her highness isn't is not in gestation during that period, New Asia troops will attack your country and the territory of Illéa shall become monitored by our government, as it was once before. I wish you all the luck in the world and I'll wait for your answer so I can congratulate the princess when the time comes. Until then, your highnesses, it's time for you to start thinking straight and do something good for your beloved country." With his last word I was crying insanely again, no one seemed to notice and I somehow thanked that.
"This might sound crazy but… We must hasten all this matter, dear. We can't be sure that you're pregnant in one day, so three weeks seems good, I just can't believe that is actually happening! It's the worst thing I've ever heard! All this fuss because of a baby… but, anyways it has to be done. What did the doctor said?" Maxon always talked hurried when he was worried about something. In other occasion that would've been cute for me.
"I can't do it…" I whispered, he frowned and turned to see me steadily as I felt I was drowning in my tears.
"Darling, I know this is a bit complicated, but we have no other choice…" I stopped him before I could hear his deception reflected in his voice.
"I can't, Maxon, I really can't. It's not possible for me" he sighed sounding a little angry and tried to talk calmly.
"Could you please wait outside while we talk a bit?" he asked those who were present left, so he could release his scolding against me "I don't know what to think... if you're thinking selfishly or you just lost your mind, you did watch what he sent right?".
"I did…" I was far too scared at the moment to speak clearly.
"Then what the heck are you saying? It's a death threat you heard! You cannot just give it all up and sell your country because you don't want to have a kid!"
"It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't!" We both started yelling at each other.
"Why on earth can't you do it?"
"Because I'm infertile! You wanted the reason? Well, that's it!" saying those words hurt as much as the whole situation did.
"What? You mean it?" he took my hands but still I didn't see him eye to eye.
"You really think I would lie to you in a moment like this?" my crying confirmed his suspects and he approached to hold me tight.
"But what happened?" How could I answer calmly when he sounded as bad as I did?
"That's what the doctor said, I have a malformation inside my body and that makes it impossible for me to bear a kid…" In my life I thought I would have to say something like that, but sometimes things change so much that they don't even give you time to think about what you're doing.
"Oh God, America. I'm so sorry, dear…" what else could he say? But still, there was no way for him to feel the pain I felt.
"What are we going to do?" I tightened my arms more against his back, I was very frightened.
"I don't know, but I'll think about something… there's always a solution, my love. You don't have to worry about this" he asked me the impossible thing, he was more than wrong if he thought that I would be okay with all the problems that we had.
But still I didn't say a thing about that, I don't exactly know if someone else heard the scandal, and I didn't care. Maxon of course had to tell this to the parliament to look for a solution and they didn't react very well, I couldn't blame them though. I spent two days practically locked in my room, Mary and Marlee were about to go crazy with my attitude, it was the third day that my friend came to see me when she couldn't stand it anymore.
"With all respect, your highness. It's already enough! For the lord's sake you're going to get sick if you don't get out of here!" more than concerned she sounded angry, she sat next to me on the bed.
"You don't understand, Marlee…" I would face no one so my eyes kept looking to the floor.
"Well, maybe I don't. But I'm your friend and I hate to see how shattered you are because of this like if you would have chosen it, but you didn't, America, stop blaming yourself" she forced me to look at her, she looked sad too.
"Do you have a better suggestion of what to do? I'm a disaster, Marlee! It's the only thing that any woman in the world can do and I can't!"
"It could have happened to anyone, America. It's not just you, there's thousands of people who feel the same way and you don't see them praying for their lives to end! "
"Well, the thing changes when a whole country is watching you!"
"Since when do you care about that?"
"Since my people is being threatened by my misery!" now, we both were crying inconsolably "I always tried to do my best so Illéa wouldn't have to suffer because of the monarchy anymore, I knew better than anyone the kind of life that we have because of the crown's mistakes, I had the power to change that but the only thing that I've done is putting them in danger, and the only truth is that there's no possible solution for this. And that's actually why I feel shattered" she took my hands.
"You think you're the only one suffering because of this? You think you're the only one who hasn't slept or eaten in all this time? Not really, Mer, We too have been crying night and day because this is happening, but tears won't wash away our problems, and that's why I came here, it's time for us to stand still and think about a solution, although we may not have any pride left, we still have hope. You have to know you're not alone in this, you'll never be, because more than being my princess… you're my best friend in the entire world, and I would go to hell and back to free your soul from all this useless drama, I'm tired of shedding desperate tears too, Mer… I'm tired of feeling destroyed" I felt guilty, she was the only one who said a word to me in 3 days, there was no use in focusing in my own pain. I hugged her tight.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I was selfish and thought that no one could feel the same" my eyes hurt for crying so much, tears may not wash the problems away but they sure help you unburden.
"That's the thing of being surrounded by people who love you, grief and love are always shared" she wiped my tears.
"I just don't know what to do, I never felt so lost" I wish I could have talked more with her, but someone entered my room.
"Your highness, we require your presence. We might have found a solution for our troubles" announced Mr. Leeroy, I nodded and wondered what could it be, how could I have known that things would only get worse? Marlee didn't let go of my hand and together we went Maxon's office.
"Greetings, princess" I was surprised to see Doctor Stevens there showing pictures of my insides, he seemed to be better about my unfortunate situation, was I the only selfish one? And, damn! That was a selfish thought too!
"Could you tell me again what's with the princess' body?" Maxon talked as he wouldn't even notice me.
"Of course, Highness. As you can see here there's a little thing over here that stops the conception to be done, but if we supposed that the conception would actually happen the birth would be dangerous and even mortal for the princess, I've done research for cures or treatments and the best option would be surgery" So that was his solution, I had a little hope once again.
"But…?" and Mr. McAffle had to talk!
"But, it would take time and we would need more analysis and tests to see if an implant is needed or maybe to remove some skin".
"And how much time would that take?" I asked.
"Three weeks of testing and six more for recovery and final examinations" what was the point of saying something like that if it was impossible still?
"And by the time that the princess would be healed, our nation would be property of New Asia. So, with the parliament we've developed a secret project for safety and welfare of all. Just need the approval of their majesties and we will continue to do as planned" Mr. Leeroy said.
"What exactly have you thought?" I couldn't believe that Maxon was actually going to hear a word from them.
"Well, your highness, we've thought it trough and the best solution seems to be… a womb rental" Marlee froze next to me and I myself wasn't feeling very well either.
"You mean, hiring a substitute?" he asked.
"Of course, with the princess being incapable of becoming pregnant it's surely a problem, but taking in consideration that she's not the one with royal blood any other girl who's willing to serve her country would give a child as it's needed" He sounded so pleased with his idea, I had to talk.
"And can we be sure that the result would be a boy?" he looked at me with a death glare.
"There's always ways to fix a marriage, highness. And we have to remember that the Emperor has many nephews too" that was it.
"And who would you think could be right to bear with the future prince?" Maxon didn't sound like him at all, and I thought that he was the only one who could understand me.
"We'll look for suitable candidates, your highness. Only if you're willing to do it, of course"
"No more talking then, please prepare all the necessary, we have no time to lose" Saying that I was shocked with his attitude wasn't enough to explain what I was feeling, not freaking out would have been unnatural.
"Excuse me? I believe that I haven't been asked if I'm okay with this!" I stood up hoping Maxon to look at me, he was obviously avoiding me, but as always his "helpers" had to talk when I wasn't saying anything to them.
"Highness, it's an urgent matter we're talking about, and the prince has left very clear that this has to be done as soon as possible."
"Well this idea is even worse than the first one! Can you buy a woman's kid, really? Is that the way you want to fix things?" if he didn't turn to face me, I would have sent everything to hell.
"Highness, please…" Mr. Phillies wanted to say, as shakily and intrusive as always, but Maxon stopped it.
"Do you think we have another option, America? I've thought everything until my head hurt ad there's no other solution! You want to see Illéa destroyed by the Emperor's whims?" so he was the one who was angry when he didn't have reasons to be.
"I didn't say that, but this is completely ridiculous and insane! It's inhuman to even think of doing something like that!" at that moment I thought something very cruel, but while hearing him I couldn't help of realizing how much he resembled his father, he could turn very cold and firm if the situation required it.
"Tell me what am I supposed to do then? You have a better idea? Or you're just suggesting that we have to sacrifice our country because you cannot think even a minute in someone who isn't yourself? Just answer, America! Do you think we can take this as a little problem and that's it when everything we have is in danger? This whole matter may seem insane but we can't change it! Things are what they are and you can't always change them, I guess that's something you never understood" what could have I said when he ended me with that? It looked like everyone had managed to destroy me with their words, but I never thought he would be the one to hurt me the most. I wouldn't take no more and I refused to shed any more tears, I got out as quick as I could and Marlee followed me. I didn't know exactly where I was going; Silvia didn't talk to me either so why would have gone to the Women's room? I just walked and walked all over the palace trying to get that fire out of my body, I was about to go insane.
"America, wait! We can fix this" Marlee was tired of following me, of course.
"No, we can't! You know what? I'm tired of trying if I know I'm going to fail anyways! I'm tired of being pushed aside of every single thing that happens in here, for them I'm nothing but a pretty accessory for the prince. In fact, do you even know what every prince needs a princess? To have heirs! But as I cannot even do that I'm officially out of his business, you get that?" I should have felt bad looking at her worried expression, but I was far too mad with the entire people.
"I do highness. You should take some time…" she left and I somehow thanked her for that, she didn't have to stay and hear my mourning. But still I needed someone who could understand me, and who could have been better that the one who called me at my back?
"You alright, Mer?" I turned to see Aspen, he looked concerned too. I shook my head and he approached and hugged me, it felt so right being with him when the entire world was against me once again.
"You heard?" I asked trying to not sound sad, he nodded.
"I couldn't believe it, Mer. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but there must be a way to solve this…"
"There is, and Maxon's perfectly fine with it…" he scowled.
"What do you mean? You already know what to do?" I smiled resigned to let him know everything.
"They will find a substitute for having Maxon's kid" now, he looked terribly upset.
"Can they do that? But, you're the princess! It's you who has to do it, not any other girl…" once again he said what I already knew.
"I can't" I said with a sad smile. "It is according to the plan and I'm afraid I've been sidelined"
"This can't be true… that motherfucking Emperor. I swear that if I could I would go back to New Asia and return with his head in my hands" I took his hand.
"Would you give it to me to keep it in my room?" we both laughed, it felt like years since I laughed the last.
"A princess doesn't keep such awful things in her room, but you deserve much better than this… I'm sorry I was such a douche with you, you have many reasons to feel vengeful" he stroked my cheek.
"More than vengeful I feel defeated, I've always tried to the best no matter what the consequences would be, but now I have no courage left, Aspen. They've taken everything away from me…"
"I've always wondered why the worst things happen to the best people" If I was luckier, he would have stayed longer but then Officer Deaton, the head officer came to us.
"I'm sorry, highness, but Officer Leger should be in training right now" he scolded Aspen; he just showed a tender smile.
"My bad, I shouldn't distract him. Please go back to your duties" with his lips he said: Sorry, I answered: It's ok. After that I went to my room, there wasn't anyone else I wanted to see, at least not inside the palace, so I decided to write a letter to my family and when I finished it I read one of my favorite books one again. As I didn't know every paragraph and word in it.
It was awfully late when the alarm woke me up, I had fell asleep on my desk, my eyes hurt a bit and I was totally uncomfortable but what I felt at the moment was panic. I tried to look for Mary in the darkness of my room, wondering if there was the tiny possibility that she could be there. I opened the door to Maxon's room but he wasn't there either, someone entered my room and I stood still carefully watching to confirm he wasn't the enemy.
"Please, tell me you're here, Mer!" I ran to meet Aspen.
"What's happening? " I took him by the shoulders so he could calm down a bit and explain something to me.
"Rebel attack as always, Officer Deaton said this could happen but not so soon. It's terrible, Mer! They've always been a big group but now there's more of them" my heart stopped at that moment, the southern rebels were a strong group and it was even more dangerous if their alliance grew.
"Where's my husband?" he shook his head and took me by the hand leading me to the closest refuge.
"Someone must have taken him already, there's no one at the office…" only God could know where he was, I tried to stay calmed but although I was hurt by him I couldn't help of feeling that a part of me was missing. We heard the sound of a window being broken.
"I can see the princess!" A man shouted from the outside.
"This is bad, get in, quickly!" I pulled the release lever while Aspen pointed to anything with his gun, but it did not open. I tried over and over again and the screams and exclamations became even louder.
"It's stuck" Aspen turned to me desperate and just broke it, thank God for his reflexes, the door opened and I got in, but he wouldn't follow me, when he turned to leave again I took him by the hand.
"I can't stay here, Mer. You know that, but I'll come back for you" I was shivering with fright.
"I know, just… take care of yourself…" He nodded and kissed my cheek, after a second I was all alone inside there, listening as everything around me was destroyed, so I thought it would only be worse if the Emperor attacked, all that violence would be present every day and who knows where would he take or do with us. But what if he discovered we tried to fool him with the child? What if he knew that the kid wasn't mine? It didn't sound so bad taking in consideration that he hated me badly, 'Maybe, it is the best you can do. You're tired of trying, uh? Give up then, let him do things right. You're nothing but a troublemaker…' That was my final thought. I stayed there for two hours maybe until I heard someone approaching.
"Aspen?" I whispered next to the door.
"She's alright" he opened the door, he was hurt, there was blood coming out of his lip and he had wounds everywhere, I was alright but he wasn't.
"Oh God" I took his head in my hands to look at him better.
"I can assure you that he's fine" said Maxon next to us; I didn't count on having him there.
"Are you?" I tried to take his hand but he moved away.
"I try to be" how come could he be jealous? They got along very well! I smiled to Aspen and followed Maxon to wherever he was going.
"So now it's you who's hurt?" he stopped in the middle of the hall and turned to see me.
"No, I just like watching my wife looking for comfort with someone else!"
"I would have gone with you if you had not acted like that today. What the hell was that?" he sighed angrily.
"Don't mix things, America. This is completely deferent"
"No, it's not. It's the same, actually, have you heard about cause and consequence?"
"Ok, fine. You still want to fight about this? We will!" who was him at that moment? He didn't sound like the man who promised me all his love once.
"I don't want to fight; I want you to listen to me! If you don't do it, who will then?"
"I don't know! Why don't you try with Aspen?" I was so frustrated and he acted so ridiculously.
"This has nothing to deal with Aspen, this is about me! And only me, why are you blaming him? I felt bad and he's my friend, he obviously was trying to help me!"
"Help you with what? The only reason I did that is because of you! I wouldn't have done it if you…" Oh, he wasn't about to say that, if he said it that would be done.
"If I… what? If I was capable of having children? Thank you very much for doing this for me, you're always so caring!" no matter what, he had his ways to make me cry even when that was my latest hobby.
"It's not my fault…" that was all he was going to say?
"I'm not saying it is; it's just that… This is too rushed, Maxon. You heard what the doctor said; with a surgery I would be fine! I just need some time…" I definitely got to his nerves.
"We don't have time, America! Time is not an option for us; you know what the Emperor is trying to do!"
"But it doesn't make sense! It's a baby we're talking about not a peace offer!" How could I make him understand when he was so closed with his own thoughts?
"Well, there's nothing I can do! You choose, it's your precious time or is it Illéa, you cannot have both. I've thought it over and over again and there's no other solution. This is not the time for the rebellious and reckless America Singer to show up and try to change everything with just one blink! So please, don't try to do it, I beg you…... no, I demand you to stay out of it" since when did he demand me something?
"Isn't that what I'm doing just now?" He was completely blinded with his concerns.
"What are you talking about?"
"I didn't choose this, Maxon; you did it on your own. You said it! Anyways I'm out of this, because there's no way for you to look farther than what everyone tells you… Fine, I'll do as you say, Highness. You're not talking to me as my kind and fair husband right now; you're talking as the heir of King Clarkson's throne. And you don't know how scared I am that you may have no heart left…" that took us both by surprise; I said the exact same thing I was thinking.
"America!" this time, I moved away from him.
"Just… leave me alone" I decided to go to my room on my own, there was nothing more to say.
The next morning he called me again for discussing the matter about candidates, but when I got there he was on the phone talking about something else with someone else.
"… with all that's happening, is amazing that we have to think about the rebels too, August."
"Hey, we are rebels too and we're not a problem for you! Right? Georgia, Nerissa won't stop crying!"
"Of course not, how's the father life over there?"
"It's great, it really is. A little tiring but good still, poor America… I still can't believe this"
"She feels awful, I wish there was a way for me to… I don't know, help her somehow"
"Well, I cannot be sure about that but, if you have any other problem with those southern pests, you just tell me. We'll protect you from the inside of the palace if we have to!"
"And how exactly are you going to do that?"
"…Uh, it's a metaphor, man! What I meant is that we'll take care of you in any possible way".
"That's very nice from you, August…"
"Highness, is the prince okay?" Mr. Leeroy touched my arm and I shook part for the surprise and part for what August said to my husband.
"I can't really say I just got here" lies, lies everywhere.
"Well, there's no time to lose, let's get in" said Mr. McAffle and he opened the door letting us all in.
"Ah, good afternoon, gentlemen. America" I knew his eyes were on me, but I didn't want to look at him and see those furious eyes again.
"As you know, we've done much research for the suitable candidates, and we may have found the right one to help us" announced Mr. McAffle with a stupid smile on his face. This was somehow familiar, like The Selection itself but instead Maxon was looking for the mother of his child.
"I'm dying to know" I said, they all detected the sweet sarcasm in my voice.
"I bet you are, princess. To make this a little easier we've decided to choose a person who was very close to you and with whom you can get along well so you can support each other in this difficult task, she also said that she's ready to help in every way she can and I must add that she's a very respectful and centered lady". Someone close to me, who could she be?
"I don't think that anyone that is close to me would be willing to do something like this…" I was searching inside my head: Marlee? No, Mary? Hell no, May? I wouldn't let that happen ever in my life!
"We said that she was very close to you once before, and also very close to the prince. Someone you have much in common with, highness…"
"Could you just tell me who she is?" all that mystery was getting me nervous.
"Miss Kriss Ambers"
To be continued…
Dreamer.