And that's how I spent another day locked in my room, this time drowning with anger and confussion more than sadness, as Marlee promised she was beside me all the time, neither me or her wanted to go out and see Kriss or our husbands. The situation was awful, just when I thought everything would be okay something had to go wrong and ruin it again, but this time It hurt the moxt, what was happening to Maxon lately? He wasn't himself, he was completely blind and I couldn't finish understading why. I knew perfectly what was going on with us, but I just didn't want to accept it.

"This is a complete disaster…" said Marlee looking out the window, she sounded mad but still a little depressed, like I didn't know how she must've been feeling.

"It's seems so ridiculous but still it's terrible, why do things like this happen to us? Have I done something wrong?" she turned to look at me.

"Of course not, don't say that! I'm sure you don't deserve this… I mean… no one does, but Kriss is just so insolent for showing up like that, she wants to help? Yeah sure, that woman's crazy!" her complaints sounded funny at that time.

"Or maybe we're the crazy ones for hating her so bad when she hasn't done anything to us…" Celeste jumped to the bed and rested her head on my hand.

"Well, I don't really have reasons to hate her but she makes me feel uncomfortable. But you? She almost married Maxon, and I can't imagine how that would've left you… knowing how you are I would dare to think that you would've killed yourself or something like that..." she approached to me and took my other hand in hers.

"Not really, I would've killed her first and kidnapped Maxon then to make him marry me one way or another" we both laughed.

"That's not a bad idea actually. Any life would be easier than this is…" I sighed at her words.

"Not really, at least in here I don't have to choose between eating or having electricity… but no one denies that emotional pain is much worse than physical pain is… still they both hurt and leave a mark" she hit me softly with her elbow.

"Do you have any visible scar?" I smiled at her.

"Not that I remember right now but I'm sure I do…" we released a chuckle again.

"What has happened to us, America? When did we stop being foolish and crazy in love kids? When was the laughter replaced with tears?" I was shocked with that; she had all the right to be worried about that.

"When you started saying things like that…" I couldn't help of laughing again, I saw her smiling a bit but then her expression changed to concern again.

"I mean it… once this place seemed like a dream to me and now all that I see is suffering… I see you feeling so bad and I see Maxon always so troublesome… even Carter doesn't seem like himself lately… it looks like he's never on my side anymore …" That didn't sound good at all, was all that really happening to us? When did our dreams turn into nightmares?

"I perfectly understand that; just imagine how life is when your husband is the ruler of the entire country… I have to share him with everybody and now I don't know if he wants to see me" I bit my lip; where did all that come from?

"I can't believe that something so small and unimportant can cause so much damage… but what I can't really believe is that it happened to you, it doesn't make much sense to me…"

"You don't have to understand thing so they happen, Marlee, things happen because they have to and that's it… you can't choose what they'll be like, at least not in this particular situation" she held my hand a little stronger.

"What are you going to do now?" that was a very good question actually.

"I don't have a single freaking idea… but I'm not sure I want to go out and continue living, if it still can be called like that… You know what? This place never felt so horrible with Maxon by my side but now… everywhere I go I feel this weight on my shoulders and I can hardly control my mood and everything is so… award and heartbreaking… I need a vacation…" I covered my face with my free hand but Marlee seemed to smile at that final sentence.

"That sounds good, Mer" I looked at her part shocked and part annoyed.

"Are you out of your mind? There's no vacation from being the crown princess!" I reminded her.

"But remember that Maxon said that you could visit your mother whenever you wanted to? And May must miss you like crazy! It wouldn't be bad for anyone for you to… relax and clear your mind a little" actually, it didn't sound so wrong. And considering that everyone was going mad about my behavior it would be also good for them to take a break from my drama.

"You think he'll accept that?" I asked her, she scowled.

"I think that's the least he can do after sending your best friend to a certain death…" she smiled sarcastically.

"I guess that's a good option… I should talk to him about it…" but I wouldn't do it on that specific moment, I didn't feel completely recovered.

But the next morning, while I was headed to his office I found someone I didn't really want to see.

"America, you think we could talk for a bit?" Kriss said with her angelic and cute voice, everything about her was so annoying at my eyes.

"Sure" I agreed, but in the inside I was burning with desires of hit her against the wall. We went to the library; no one would dare to enter there.

"Ok, look… I know that things have been a little difficult between us, and I really want to know why… when I left the palace we seemed to be friends and now I just don't know" why did she sound so worried about it? Why did she even care?

"I think I already explained it to you… it's not because of you, Kriss, it's because this whole matter is tearing me to pieces" my voice broke at the last word though I didn't want it to.

"I don't mean to hurt you, it's all the contraire actually" I turned so she wouldn't see my tearful expression.

"I know that you have the best intentions… but this is not as easy as you think, please try to see it from my eyes… what would you think if the love of your life was having a kid with…" I stopped myself from saying something I didn't want to say.

"With who? What exactly do you think about this?" now she sounded serious and willing to do everything for hearing a complete and honest answer.

"With someone he once kept so close to his heart, you always had such a special connection with him that I'll never get to have … I feel replaced, Kriss…" the tears that I fought so hard to stop them finally fell through my cheeks.

"You think that me and him…? No way, America! That's not why…" but I was tired of hearing more excuses.

"I know, ok? I know that you're not that kind of person and that you wouldn't hurt even a fly, but you know what? It isn't necessary to want to hurt somebody to do it, sometimes it just happens" I wiped my tears, why would I cry about something so stupid?

"Believe me, I'm exactly the same way as you are… I'm between the sword and the wall and I had to take rushed decisions. If I could do something to make this easier I would've already done it…" she seemed to be regretful about something but there was no reason for her to feel like that.

"That's the thing, Kriss! This isn't easy at all! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me… this whole thing has managed to make me feel so miserable, I feel destroyed… I have nothing left… I'm not even sure about having my husband's love anymore…" I didn't want anyone to know that, but I already had let so many things out that it seemed nonsense to hide anything anymore.

"Please, are you saying that for real?"

"Yes, I am" now she thought I was kidding? What kind of cruel joke was that?

"America, you don't know how lucky you are… at first I didn't really want Maxon as much as you did, but with time I realized that I would never meet anyone like him ever again… but I also knew that it was useless, I was actually surprised that he took so much time to choose you officially when he had already done it… I knew from just the way he looked at you, the fact that he always wanted to be around you and that he only had eyes for you being surrounded by other 34 girls, maybe I had his parent's and all Illéa's approval, but from the beginning you were the only one who had his heart, you've always had him completely, and I can't believe you're doubting about him right now…" oh, she didn't know a thing! I doubted about everyone at that point!

"I'm sorry but that doesn't really concern you… it's over for me right now, Kriss. Now it's my turn to say this" I turned to see her sad expression but I didn't pity her, I had no reasons to do it "Congratulations, you win… I'm out" it was somehow ironic but it was true, she was going to have my husband's beautiful baby while I stood there doing nothing and watching Maxon become a father. I realized there was nothing more left to say so I just walked to the door and left. 'It's over…' those words were constantly going around my head, I couldn't think of anything else.

But just when I got to his door, at one second of asking him to give me some time for myself I wondered if I was doing right at leaving him…

"Are you alright?" he appeared before I could think about knocking. I couldn't look into his eyes.

"Technically, well… I'm as good as I can be…" my voice sounded shakily.

"I'll take that as a no, then" he wasn't doing very well either, and it was just stupid to think about why when everything was so obvious at that moment.

"Anyways… I just needed to tell you something…" I sighed but I could swear he stopped breathing for a second.

"As long as it doesn't include Kriss, you're free to say anything you want to…" all around us felt so cold, so unnatural, it wasn't like it had been before and I was afraid that it would never be again.

"Fine… Maxon, you've always been so kind and lovable with me and I need you to continue being like that right now because…" I took a deep breath so the tears wouldn't fall again "because I'm about to lose my head and my useless attempts to forget about this have shown no results and I don't know for how longer I can keep up ignoring the pain, I feel like I'm dying on the inside… and I need your comprehension now more than ever…. But please don't feel like I'm leaving you because I never will… in fact I'm doing it because I want to fix this mess…" but while saying that I felt a sharp pain in my chest and I couldn't stop me from crying.

"What are you talking about?" he seems to be a bit annoyed and that managed to make me feel even worse.

"I'm going to make this easier for all of us…" I forced myself to look up to him; I could see that he was as miserable as I was "I'm staying at my mother's for a while, until all has finished… maybe even a little longer. Heaven knows I won't handle it, Maxon, I won't live with the idea of being here while she… is doing what she's supposed to… let's face it, I won't be more than a problem for you all… and you don't really need me here, and I don't want to be here either… I don't want to frustrate you anymore… the last thing I wanted was to become a burden for you and this whole matter is tearing us apart and I don't want that, so you were actually right at asking me to stay out of this… and that's exactly what I'm going to do" I looked down again so I wouldn't see his hurt expression, I couldn't see his eyes while knowing that I was damaging him.

"When will you come back?" he began to shake.

"I can't say… it's going to take much time for me to accept this completely…. I need my family right now" but how could he know that he was also an important part from me? But he wasn't only mine, and that's something I would never change.

"I… understand that… who am I to deny you that?" I nodded in agreement, though I desperately wanted him to say something so I wouldn't leave.

"Thank you… I'll try to keep in touch, okay?" try? I wouldn't just try; I would die to know what he was doing at every minute of the infinite days I would spend alone.

"Alright, tell your mother I said hi, will you?" he tried to make me think he didn't really care about what we were saying.

"Of course I will, but May… will be hurt if you only say hi to her" I reminded him, I'm sure we both showed a sad smile. He got closer to me and said something to my ear.

"Tell her to come more often here… but not alone of course, I will be waiting to see her sister again" his lovely voice made me lose all the control I had left, I hugged him softly.

"You'll be a great father, I'm sure…" I had to use my last strength so that would come out of my mouth and it felt like my life would end there. Then I got apart from him with my eyes to the floor, if I kissed him I wouldn't be able to leave, so I just turned around willing to say no more goodbyes and let things be what they had to be. But he took my hand and I knew that he was begging me to reconsider it, who were we kidding? This was destroying us both. He sighed wistfully.

"You can keep the bird locked but not its spirit…" he whispered sounding harmed, he let go of me. 'If you don't move now it'll only be worse' that thought made me woke so I had to run to my room to stop me from crying my eyes out in front of him, he couldn't know that I didn't really want to leave.

All the people of the palace had been announced of my departure that night. So when the morning came and Mary had to help me packaging my stuff she didn't say a thing, no one actually said nothing to me, the palace was quieter than it had ever been. But I couldn't leave without saying a word; God knows how much time I would be away.

"Please, look after my baby, okay? I don't know what I would do without her" I stroked Celeste's head and then I took a quick glance to her necklace and remembered what Maxon had engraved in it 'Celeste. In sweet memory of the princess's best friend', so annoying and yet sweet from him, that thought made me smile.

"Of course I will highness. She'll be the only reason why I'll come here every day now" she wanted to cry badly, I heard her broken voice clearly.

"Oh, Mary…" I walked up to her and gave her a hug "It's not like I'm leaving forever… I just need some space for myself, I'll be fine…" she was very good at keeping her suffering for herself, maybe I should've learn from it.

"I know, my lady. It's just that this is so unfair for you… life has treated you badly" I shook my head with those words and patted her shoulder.

"Hey, I was the one who won the prince's heart, life had been nothing but beautiful for me… but everything has it consequences and this is what I chose, but I'm not giving up on my life, Mary… I'm just taking a breath…" she nodded.

"You'll be dearly missed, princess" she said no more and walked out of the room with one of my bags; I took my kitten and lifted her to give her a small kiss right between her eyes.

"Be nice, Celeste. I'll miss you, baby girl…" she meowed sounding confused; maybe she would've followed me if I hadn't closed the door behind me. I pictured her scratching Maxon's door at night so she wouldn't feel lonely, she used to do that when I was asleep and she wanted t play.

I didn't count on having so much people at the outsides of the palace, all of them watching me preoccupied, but Kriss w protruded from all of them.

"There's no need to do this, America, really…" she took my hands like begging me, funny, that was what I wanted Maxon to do, but he wasn't there… neither I would've told him to be.

"But I want to do it, don't blame yourself, Kriss… what I'm doing now has nothing to deal with you…" she looked down being terribly nervous, Marlee had a death glare on her face while looking at the mother of the future prince of her country. But when I faced her, she just smiled and gave me a tender hug.

"When you walk through those gates again I want to see you better, I don't want to look that hurtful expression reflected in your beautiful face again, ok? We'll be waiting for you…" she said as gentle but firm as always, then I looked up to Carter, they didn't seem to be doing well with each other though they had talked a bit.

"If we hear something about Aspen we'll let you know…" he assured me.

"Thank you very much" I tried to smile at him but it was useless.

"Good luck, I hope you feel better…" that was the most honest wish for me I had heard in weeks. I waved at the three of them, the rest were just men from the parliament and I had absolutely nothing to tell them.

I can't say that the trip was awfully long, my family's house was pretty near from the palace but everything went by so slowly that day that it looked like I had been on the car for hours. I wished I could've felt happy for a moment when my siblings ran to meet me, Gerad had grown so much and May didn't look precisely as a child anymore, she became taller and prettier. My mother on her side knew perfectly that something was wrong.

"Welcome, my dear" she kissed my cheek and whispered something then "I guess we have to talk, but now… focus on them, they've missed you" probably May heard that but she didn't care so much.

"So, crown princess. Where the heck is my brother in law?!" we all laughed at her comment.

"His highness had some royal business to attend but he told me to tell you that you should visit more often, he loves your squeaky voice and your scandals" she scowled at me but then smiled. Gerad pulled my hand.

"What on earth am I supposed to do to shut her up? she's driving me crazy!" my little brother was bored of hearing May's teen troubles, who could blame him? May was a very special girl.

"I'm afraid that there's no way to make May keep silent, you should know that" he took me to their giant house, I had visited them before of course, I love the way Mom made the house look more like a home, everything was so fancy but still our family pictures where everywhere, it was relieving because that kept them feeling not so lonely. But what I loved the most of that place was the little altar they had built for my father, I really felt I could talk to him being there, everything reminded me about him so much.

"She'll say exactly the same thing about you when you turn 14, you'll see" my mother said, Gerad kind of petrified with those words.

"Don't worry, you'll be much easier to handle than she is" we both laughed. God, I had no idea of how much I needed to see my little sister and brother. We went to the living room where some of the maids were cleaning stuff, one of them approached to my mother.

"The tea is served, ma'am" she said and mother made us sit in front of the coffee table.

"So, Mrs. America "lucky" Schreave. How have you been? How's Maxon? What have you done these days? And why do you look like you haven't slept in a month?" I couldn't lie at May's sweet eyes; I looked at my mother so she would help me.

"Oh, you already started with the interrogatory May Singer? Let her breathe a bit… she just got here" she scolded her.

"But mom! She's the crown princess! The royal monarch of all Illéa! Wife of the most charming prince that has ever existed! Her life is a fairytale and you don't want me to ask a thing? That's just nonsense! I'm sure America has many things to tell…" and hell she was right!

"You have no idea, May… but what I can tell you for sure is that… nobody's life is a fairytale".

After a lot of chatter and laughter and like a hundred cups of tea, I decided to go and talk a bit with my father, though I know he wouldn't answer to me, feeling his presence was relieving somehow, my father had been one of those few people that had the power to calm everything and everyone when it seemed to be the end of it all. I lit a candle so I wouldn't be talking to no one in the darkness.

"Hey dad, how's the other side? Ok, that was silly I know. It's been a while since like I felt I had to talk to you, well… I always need you, dad, I miss you badly… I've never felt so lonely before, when I was with you all I felt like nothing was too bad for me to surrender but this… crushed me… I don't know at what point I am right now, but I'm definitely out of the game… I mean there's nothing left I can do… I've tried to stop them from doing this but I guess this has to be done one way or another, tell me… you think I'm selfish for wanting to stop it? Am I being cruel or unfair? I just want Maxon to be happy… I just wanted to have a family together; you know how much I dreamed of giving him a child? You know how much I wished to see his expression when he was holding our first baby? Maybe I thought too much instead of actually doing something, but I still wonder how this could happen to me… the only thing that everyone expected me to do and I can't… I don't know what to do… How will I handle watching that baby grow up and Maxon giving him or her all his time and attention… what's going to happen with me? What am I going to do with Kriss? This is terrible! I have absolutely no idea of how am I going to live after this… I need a sing, dad… I need to know what the hell I can do! Because… if I let this get trough me I'll never be better… am I really as strong as everyone thinks I am? Because right now… strength is the least I have left… and hope? That word's not on my dictionary… but what I do hope is that you're not too disappointed at me, just understand that my options are done, so don't dare to say I gave in without trying… I love you, dad…" I can't really say at what precise moment I started crying, but at the thought of my father being sad because of me was unbearable.

I needed a reason to tell myself it wasn't over, that I could still do something to stop it from happening, but maybe it was a little late. The insemination would be the day after.

So I got up the next morning with swallowed eyes and a pain in my chest, and I wondered what would everyone be doing in my absence, Marlee would surely be angry as hell and Carter was frightened by her so they wouldn't talking much, Kriss… god, Kriss would've been more than joyful, I could see her bright smile showing her victory inside my head. And Maxon, my sweet, lovable and dear Maxon, maybe he was scared, maybe he was nervous or maybe he was excited but he must've been the person with the most emotions that day, I wished I could share his happiness, but that part of his life didn't include me. During breakfast I tried to smile to my little brother, he knew something was wrong, May on her side was too busy complaining about everything with mom and mom was getting nervous because of me.

"Why are you so upset, Mer?" asked Gerad showing concern with his beautiful eyes.

"Nothing, little boy… I'm a bit tired, I didn't sleep well last night" and I wasn't lying, I had so much in my head that other night, how could anyone try to sleep while having so much to worry about?

"And you haven't eaten anything either…" my mother scolded me, I looked down to my breakfast but no food would enter my mouth that morning.

"I'm not particularly hungry right now…" I confessed, she pretended to be displeased but in the inside I knew that she was wondering what on earth was happening to me, maybe she already had an idea how what was going on but there's no way she could know it all, our tiny problem had to remain secret so entire Illéa wouldn't go crazy.

"Mom! I was talking…" protested May; it was kind of heartwarming to hear her voice again.

"Don't you see that your sister's pale white? You're not my only daughter, May! And besides I live with you, now I have to take care of something else… get up, America… we need some privacy" that's how I knew I was in trouble. May had a shocked expression on her face and as I followed my mother to the living room I heard her scream: "What the hell was that?!" Luckily my mother didn't hear a word. She made me sit next to her.

"Alright, what's going on? And don't try to tell me that it is nothing because you know I won't believe you…" funny, she thought I would hide my problems from her when I already couldn't take no more.

"Mom, I … well, I'll start from the beginning…" she nodded assuring me she would listen to every word "Everyone in Illéa knows that we have big problems with New Asia, but the emperor… he asked us to do a task so our nation would finally become allies…" my voice broke for a second, she stroked my cheek.

"And what was that, honey?"

"A marriage, between his niece and… our first kid, but…" I felt that tears gathered in my eyes again, but I didn't want to cry anymore.

"What is it, America?" I started to shake; I didn't want to tell that to her, how would I manage to see her eyes after knowing her daughter's curse?

"I'm sterile, mama…" and that was it, no more calm and no more pretending, that was it.

"Oh God, how is this possible?" she sounded like crying too.

"But that's not really the worst part…" telling half of the story had no point, I had to reveal everything.

"Are you telling me that there's something worse than that?" she was breathing heavily.

"Kriss Ambers is the surrogate… that girl form the selection? She's having my husband's baby…" but then she didn't seem sad anymore, now she was just angry.

"What? Is that for real? How could someone accept something like that? It's ridiculous! How come did you agree to let her do it?"

"It wasn't my choice!" I tried to explain her, but once the grenade explodes… there's not much to do.

"I think it was! You're the crown princess, America! It's up to you to make the decisions based on what's best for your country! And you just let anyone enter the palace and do whatever she wants with your husband? What were you thinking?" she was blaming me for something I couldn't stop.

"It wasn't me who chose her to be the mother of Maxon's baby, the parliament did and they told me to stay out of it!"

"Who are they to tell you what to do? You're the ruler, you're the future queen! They must listen to you and to no one else…" I had been looking desperately for comfort, but now I didn't want to listen to her anymore.

"Well, it's already done, mama! The conception is today, if everything goes as planned the emperor will have what he wanted and Kriss will give birth to Maxon's first son and that's it! I can't do anything… I've already tried and there's no way to stop this" she sighed disappointed and took my chin so I would see her eye to eye.

"My children have never been quitters, America. You are a fighter for nature, not because anyone told you had to be strong… you are strong because life and the entire world made you be like that, you never needed someone's approval, you never listened to the ones you know wouldn't do anything right. You faced those who were unfair and claimed for justice and in all that process… you found the only person who'll ever be able to guide your life and have your heart completely… and while listening to you right now, I'm not seeing my daughter… I'm seeing a weak girl who will lose everything because of fear and I don't want to see that… America, hear me very well… when you decided to fight for the crown you knew that justice and love always come with a price, and you were willing to pay it to get them both, suffering is an essential part of the way if you want to win, it's something you can't evade, you'll never stop mistakes or tragedies from happening… but it's up to you to decide how you're going to react at facing them… so I want you to stand still and think about what you're doing… does this situation seem alright to you? You really think that there's no other way?" at first I didn't know what to say or do, but then I remembered what I had been thinking all those days, I wanted that Maxon could see farther from what they told him to do, but actually Maxon couldn't do anything about it, it wasn't up to him.. It was up to me. The emperor hated me not him, the emperor though that I was a disaster not him, and lastly… the emperor didn't want to harm the royal family, he wanted to harm those who were my family, and that meant… our people. With a war coming u, the first to be killed would be the people, not us; we would be protected and watching at every second, but what about the rest of Illéa? What if we had to escape and leave our country? Who would really pay the price for our insolence? Everything started to get clearer and clearer

"You're right, mom… having a baby won't solve the problem… it will just intensify it… if we share a bond like that with New Asia , Emperor Cho will have unlimited power over us, who says that we won't be threatened again? Who can assure us that a marriage will bring peace?" I stood up, I got the answer to my begging, and I finally knew what I had to do.

"Where are you going?"

"Sorry, mom. But I have to stop them from making another mistake…"

The driver took me to the palace as quick as he could, but I was about to go crazy at the idea that maybe it was late for me to show up, I just begged I was on time, I had to tell him everything, I had to take charge of the case and put aside the fear and pain, I had to do things right. I had to prove that I was not going to take it anymore, I was the crown princess, I was Maxon's wife, I was the ruler, and I was the one. When I got to the palace I was not only walking but running to the nursery, everyone would surely be there to watch the big happening. I didn't even knock; I just opened the door and screamed at everyone.

"Stop this" I yelled, the doctor and Maxon looked scared at me, Kriss just shook a little and the men from the parliament scowled.

"America, what are you doing here? Is something wrong?" Maxon approached me; I tried to explain things more calmly.

"Yes, actually. Everything's wrong, Maxon! We can't continue with this!" he looked confused and shocked.

"Princes, please…" began Mr. Leeroy.

"No, you all listen to me right now! I'm not going to take your useless scolding and listen to your stupid suggestions or whatever! Now it's your turn to shut up and look down!" with that all the room was in silence. "Listen, I know this is crazy, but it's just a trap, it's a hoax! You really think that the emperor wants peace? If he would actually want that, he wouldn't have asked us to give him our first kid! He would've just signed the alliance and that's it! The emperor doesn't want Illéa as an ally… think it well, Maxon! He hates me badly, why would he want my son to marry someone from his family? Why would he want to have an unbreakable bond with me? He says that I don't even deserve the crown! What would he really ask us to do this?" Kriss stood up looking worried.

"How did you know all that?" she asked.

"Know what?"

"Know everything, about the emperor and the false alliance… how did you know it?" I couldn't understand what she was talking about.

"Kriss, do you know something that we don't?" Maxon said, he didn't really sound mad but there was something wrong with his tone. Kriss seemed to be hiding something for sure. But just when she was about to answer, we began to hear sounds of windows breaking and also shootings, everything was confusing.

"They're here…" she turned to talk to Mr. McAffle.

"It's impossible! He said three weeks!" he screamed.

"He lied of course, it's too late… we have to get them out of here…" she got closer to us.

"What the hell is going on?" I shouted scared.

"Your highnesses, I'm afraid you're being attacked by the southern rebels… and New Asia".

To be continued…

Dreamer.