We rode out at dawn; a foggy, misty morning that obscured our surroundings. But the road was easy enough to navigate, which I grew to resent, as I had too much time to think.

Thranduil had sent us off with a formal farewell at the gate of the city, with near all its citizens in attendance. I had fidgeted; not because I thought what he said was useless, but because I knew that the time for speaking was past. The phrases 'turn our hearts more fully to the light', 'unite against darkness', 'prevail in good works', fell into my mind like a sprinkling summer rain; refreshing and true, but brief and unnourishing. He bestowed upon me a wreath of holly and pine, both winter offerings of hope. I was skeptical of the pine, however, as I knew that it also meant pity, but I dared not to question his motives in such a formal setting with so many eyes watching.

Legolas had been absent.

My horse stumbled over a stone which protruded from the road, but I quieted her quickly and the company pressed on. I looked more closely at the path, and saw that in places the carefully placed stones were cracking, and sprigs of weeds peeked from them. When had the road fallen in such disrepair? I should have noticed, and immediately berated myself. Greenwood, my Greenwood, I thought bitterly to myself. How thy pure budding trees cry for a queen deserving of her crown and title. I sighed, unwilling to let despair root itself into my heart. I mentally shook myself and began to sing; mumbling at first, but when hope brightened my mood I allowed my voice to fill the chill wood around me.

The wintry day, descending to its close,

Invites all wearied nature to repose,

And shades of night are falling dense and fast,

Like sable curtains closing o'er the past.

Pale through the gloom the newly fallen snow

Wraps in a shroud the silent earth below

As tho 'twere mercy's hand had spread the pall,

A symbol of forgiveness unto all.

I cannot go to rest, but linger still

In meditation at my windowsill,

While, like the twinkling stars in heaven's dome,

Come one by one sweet memories of home.

And wouldst thou ask me where my fancy roves

To reproduce the happy scenes it loves,

Where hope and memory together dwell

And paint the pictured beauties that I tell?

There is my home, the spot I love so well,

Whose worth and beauty pen nor tongue can tell.*

"It is a very nice song, my lady," I heard a voice beside me, and turned to see my second-in-command riding beside me.

"Thank you, Rui," I said. "I am quite glad that you enjoyed it."

He was quiet for a moment. "If I may speak so, my lady. I wish to extend a vow of protection to you. Many years ago I was a guard when we were attacked near the old city - your son was with you. I have seen you in battle and I will follow you to whatever end."

I pondered his words. What comfort could I find in such a destructive, vain promise? But he declared loyalty, and for that, I was thankful, and a warm feeling grew in my breast. It was quite a nice feeling, for I suddenly realized that I had felt completely unsupported of late. I loved Thranduil, with all the strength I possessed, but I was not bind. He isolated himself when the world the only prevail through alliances! What future calamity would he bring upon us through his cold politics? "Thank you," I told Rui absently, as he appeared to expect an answer.

"What strategies have you drawn, my lady?"

I spent the remainder of that day describing to him plans for attack. He expressed enthusiasm for one strategy or another, but describing each one left me feeling dull and hopeless. A plan for our contingent was one thing, but what was my plan? I was not intending to sacrifice these soldiers.

We camped the first and second nights at watch posts that I had not visited for years. Many of the wardens were the same, and were generous with information of the local events. The story was the same as I expected - more spiders, darker days, and more terrible nights. Their words strengthened my resolve. This is why I am attacking the fortress. My people need peace.

The road became near impossible to navigate as we neared Dol Guldur. Bracken grew across the stones, and our progress slowed considerable as the roots and general mess was cleared away. I chafed at the delay, and after only a few hours of plodding, I ordered that all would dismount and lead the horses, which thankfully sped the pace.

"This seems as good of a place as any," I said, turning back to Rui, who had become momentarily caught within a tree's brittle arms. "We shall make our camp here."

"Yes, my lady," he said.

"Please instruct that the tents are to be erected facing towards the fortress, as near to each other as possible," I continued, nodding towards the small peek of the evil stones I could see from where I stood.

"Very good."

Even after my own quarters had been prepared, and the smell of dinner roasting was filling the cheerless glade, I felt increasingly restless. I wandered around the trees, keeping the camp in sight but wishing I could be invisible. I remembered these beeches and oaks, and I placed a hand on a particularly shriveled specimen in memory. During my youth this area had been the prime of the entire Greenwood, and now it was dead. Anger rushed through me, sudden and violent. How dare that dark Presence befoul my beautiful wood! Yes, I was very glad to be seeking my vengeance, now that I saw the repercussions of this evil.

A branch snapped behind me, and I whirled around, drawing my sword from it's sheath. Legolas stood before me, having apparently jumped from the tall reaches of a nearby maple, and he grimaced at the tip of my sword pointing at his throat. "I see you are prepared for your attack," he said.

"Indeed," I said, returning my sword to its place with a swish. "What are you doing here, Legolas?"

"I came to see you."

I crossed my arms in front of my chest. "That is quite vague. I would appreciate more, and more of the truth, if you will."

"Truthfully," he said, his mouth hardening. "I was patrolling nearby and I wished to ask you again to reconsider."

"To reconsider the fight or my disallowing your help?"

"Either one will be acceptable to me."

"I imagine so," I mused. His chin was raised high, as my own did when I was feeling particularly obstinate. But there was a soft pleading around his eyes. "As I told you before," I said, recognizing his tenderness and responding kindly to minimize hurt. "My vow is made. I am glad you see you again, but my mind is made."

A frown crossed his face.

"You missed the farewell," I said lightly. "It would have comforted me to see you there."

"Is that so?" he asked.

"Yes."

His head tilted to the side. "I imagine, Mother, that if you truly loved Father and I, you would not be doing this."

Guilt pricked at me, and I bristled. I hardly wanted to be reminded of the pain I was causing others, though I still believed that the greater good currently weighed more heavily. Shame was no emotion for this day, nor the following. I did not need interfering emotions to compromise my battle and tactical abilities. Or so I told myself, to rationalize how cruel I was being to my husband and son. "No more, Legolas," I said. "I will not hear this argument again. You are not without understanding of the situation, though you pretend your desires outweigh what must be. I ask now that you return to your post and do not return to this place again. If you will not comply with me as your mother, I will have no choice but to give an order as your queen."

A short silence following, during which Legolas stared at me intently, his eyes narrowing. Measuring my resolve, I supposed, but I did not falter in my demeanor. He then bowed shortly. "Then this is goodbye, Mother."

"Oh, posh!" I exhaled sharply. "I do not intend to die. You do not need to speak to me as though I will not live to see the dawn."

"Very well." He closed the distance between us and leaned forward to kiss me on the cheek, surprising me. "I shall see you again soon. I will be in the city to celebrate your victory, when the time comes."

My gut wrenched sharply, but I smiled at him in return. "Be safe."

"I will." He gave me a grin, and turned to disappear in the trees, fading from sight quickly in the growing darkness. After a moment I could no longer hear his footsteps.

"Well," I said to myself, my throat constricting painfully. "Well then. I suppose that is over." I felt tears rise. Why could I not be honest with myself? Why was I denying that my end was not near at hand? Because I did not want to believe - because I did not want to add to the worries of those I cared for. Emotional suppression was one thing I was truly superior at, though I had grown rusty in my incapacitation after Belegorn's death. In that place in my heart where I kept all truths I knew, was the belief was I was to die, and I was to die soon. I did not want to, but I would.

I trampled back to the camp, not caring of the noise. I refused dinner and retired to my tent, shuffling through my saddlebags for my writing supplies. I spread the paper across my lap as I sat on my cot, carefully setting the inkpot on the ground and dipping the fresh quill in the black liquid. It hovered over the paper for a second. I took a deep breath. No more denial.

Thranduil -

Firstly, I am sorry that it has come to this. Please believe me when I say that I would choose nearly any other ending for our story, but I retain hope that it is only a pause, and not an end at all.

You have known me longer than nearly anybody, and you know why I chose this path. I do not choose it because I dislike my position as queen of our forest, or as your wife and consort. I cannot see others suffering from this evil and not act. Your misery, which I am sure has already begun, is beyond unfortunate. There is a deep regret in my soul that I must be the author of your loneliness. I plead now that you will remember me always, not as the flippant girl that denied you in her youth, or the wretched companion of the last years, or the stubborn queen that would rather die than see her people continue in misery. Please - I am, always, your devoted partner and the woman that you love. Do not let my death taint that.

Do not stop sending delegations to Imladris and Lórien. If you lose your allies you will lose the war against evil. Do not roll your eyes! You know I am right. If I discover that your own stubborn nature has worsened the world's outcome, I will return as a spirit and haunt your dreams.

You are, without any doubt in my mind, the very best king this forest could have. I know your love for it, and I know your love will guard it well. Do not let grief weaken your capabilities.

I do believe I have covered your weak points. If I have forgotten something, I am sure you will know.

I am, as always -

Your most devoted wife-

Caradel

I folded the paper carefully, and quickly began another letter to Legolas. It was much shorter and to the point, assuring him of his place in my heart and reminding him to do good in the world. I felt immensely pleased with myself, and I placed the letters in my saddlebags, where they would surely be discovered and delivered. With peace in my heart knowing that my feelings would be known, and successfully pushing down my painful regret to where it no longer bothered me, I fell into dreaming without changing out of my mail coat.

*Text written by Orson F. Whitney.