"Eleven Inglorious Avatars"

(Excerpted from The People's Book of Lists, by Ōuwén, Eimi, and Deibu U-Orisu, Niihama Press)

In these times of societal unrest, an important, yet too often neglected skill of the authentic free-thinker is that of maintaining a proper historical perspective. Lionizing or demonizing the figures on the world's stage becomes mere naifish frippery when one lets themselves forget how much better they could be…or how much worse.

In that spirit, the Editors have compiled a list of the most peculiarly singular personages, the incarnations of our world's own Avatar. Or, more specifically, some of the least august iterations of that titular sacred spirit.

11. Avatar Jomon (Earth)

The early Avatar was believed to be from a surviving group of pre-cataclysmic peoples, descended into savagery in the wild; probably orphaned at a young age, the semi-feral Jomon never mastered more than about a dozen words, and was an avowed cannibal.

10. Avatar Ja Thig (Air)

First person to break what is now known as the "sound barrier." Died at some point during the attempt.

9. Avatar Pūhuruhurutama (Water)

Died of Lepleurisy, barely three weeks after being confirmed as Avatar.

8. Avatar Bo Lé (Earth)

Convicted of "unnatural vices" with a Kirin, in a show trial. Exiled for life to the Kabhī Mukta spirit forest.

7. Avatar "X" (Fire?)

A curiosity, the very existence of this Avatar is supposition, proposed by scholars to explain the anomalous "Nation Gap" between Avatars Subotai (Earth) and Dichen (Air). Given the relatively small gap between the lives of the two, if he or she lived at all, "X" must have died in infancy—demographic evidence obviously suggesting that this may have been during the eruption of of the Mt. Huo caldera.

6. Avatar Ran (Water)

Lead the revolutionary, but apparently disastrous attempt to establish a utopian undersea settlement in the North Yutu Ocean, in 1088 B.Z.C.—and was never seen again. The "brain drain" of the "elite" recruited colonists is blamed by many scholars for causing the collapse of the Second Silver Epoch (the so-called Serene Clockwork Era), and setting back the Industrial Revolution by some centuries.

5. Avatar Shiro (Fire)

Court physician of first Fire Chief Ah Qaq, a medical pioneer but also infamous for his studies in the transmission of disease, and the cerebro-spiritual origins of "wickedness," using (alleged) criminals as "patients" for his work. Often blamed for the (almost certainly apocryphal) loss of supposed "healing techniques" of Firebending.

4. Avatar Joji "The Mad" (Earth)

Virtually crippled by mental illness from a young age, this Avatar spent most of his life in occlusion as a "guest" at the palace of Earth King Ying Guo—essentially under house arrest. Died of a "fever" in his sleep after a short illness—and is generally suspected of having been euthanized.

3. Avatar Guan Chang (Fire)

Accidentally strangled during mysterious "meditation experiment."

2. Avatar Sar (Water)

Incarnating in the chaos and depredation following the Second Middle-River War, Sar was moved to found the hyper-agrarian Great Ko Ming Cooperative, aiming, perhaps even understandably, to "burn the old slate clean" so a "new people might grow."

The full, tragic scope of enormities and failures of this great experiment, are of course, both well known, and beyond the scope of this article—he collapse of megascale agricultural policies alone leading to the extreme desertification that expanded (and lent a name to) the Si Wong region. The KMC was later disbanded (forcibly) by Avatar Hong.

1. Avatar Botei (Earth)

Living in the middle of one of the longest eras of peace and stability in world history, this Avatar's uneventful reign is remembered chiefly for her invention of over two hundred different varieties of curdled milk cream (All now lost).

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Author's note: Inspired, as some might guess, by the seventies-era "The Book of Lists" book series' by the Wallaces, a cherished staple of my pre-internet childhood. I've tried to ape the dry, if somewhat supercillious tone as best I could.

Many of the entries, y'might guess, have real world or fictional inspirations, and/or punning names. Try to spot 'em all. ;)

A few ideas got left on the cutting room floor…maybe I'll do a follow up, some time.