"It's said that at the dawn of time, the Jade Empress saw suffering and injustice in the world, and sought the help of the best and brightest of all creation to stem the tide of evil."
"Wait, that's not what I heard," Varric interrupts. "I thought that it was the Maker, who wanted to know what the world he created is like, from his friend the Rat?"
"I heard that story too!" Josephine exclaims. "Some say it's the Maker, some say it's the Jade Emperor. He sought the help of thirteen animals to defeat a great evil. But only twelve came."
"No, it's not thirteen animals," Leliana counters, "it's just twelve, all of whom answered the call. Twelve animals helped Andraste to stop darkness from descending to the world. But it could also be the Jade Empress, not Andraste, or maybe that's one of her titles."
"At the rate it's going, it could be one of the elven gods who asked the animals for help," Dorian adds. "Which is it, really?"
"Come on, guys, I'll never finish telling the story."
"So tell it," Cassandra says solemnly. "But make it the Jade Empress. In honor of Inquisitor Evie, of course."
"Let's make this interesting, Chief," Varric interrupts again. "How about you assign to us all each an animal from the story? Apart from Her Inquisitorialness, she's the Jade Empress by default."
"But I want to be the dragon!" Evie exclaims, and summons dancing flames in her hand.
"No, Varric's right, you're the Jade Empress," Cassandra answers authoritatively. "What? You're the one who stopped Corypheus after all."
"Fine, let me be the savior again," Evie concedes. "So if you'll continue the story?"
"The strongest of all creation is Cassandra the Ox—"
"Wait, I'm not the Ox?" the Iron Bull exclaims indignantly. He points at his horns.
"Now that's just plain racism," Josephine laughs.
"And utterly predictable," concurs Leliana.
"The ox is the animal of endurance," Cassandra says. "I approve. Go on with your story."
"Okay. So Cassandra the Ox plowed through the earth to answer the Jade Empress's call. But for all her might and endurance, she failed to notice the devious Rat, Solas—"
"I knew it!" Varric exclaims. "You made Chuckles the devious one here!"
"Varric, hush," Evie shushes. "To be fair, Solas is quite devious. And a bit on the deceitful side. Plus, he's not here, so he can't get mad at what he doesn't know, right?"
"It's a shame that the legend doesn't include a wolf," Bull remarks. "Solas would fit right in."
"Right. So Solas the Rat hid on one of Cassandra the Ox's horns, and upon reaching the Jade Empress's castle, jumped ahead of her, making him the first to reach the Jade Empress.
"The Ox did not mind. What is important is that she reached the Jade Empress and to assist her in her quest to be rid of the evil of Corypheus."
"That's quite true," Cassandra says. "But that doesn't mean I don't have a grudge against Solas."
The storyteller clears her throat. "After the Ox and the Rat, came Blackwall the Tiger, whose black and gold stripes represented the duality of his nature."
"What's so dual about my nature?" protests Blackwall.
"Oh hello there Thom Rainier," chuckles Sera. "It's obvious, innit, black for all that initial shite Warden lie, and gold because Evie here thought you were worthy of redemption, and you did, blah blah. Black and gold."
"I'll give it that," Blackwall admits. "Dualism indeed. Very poetic."
"And very macho," Josephine concurs. "Mmm."
"Can you all please stop interrupting?" Evie pleads.
"On with the story then. After Blackwall the Tiger came Cole the Bunny Rabbit, whose spirit of compassion is matched only by his agility and cunning."
"I don't understand," Cole says. "I'm not a bunny rabbit. And none of us are animals. And Evie is not an empress, nor is she made of jade. But I like bunny rabbits. They make children happy."
"And you make kids happy, kid," Varric says, giving Cole a pat in the back.
"But I'm not a rabbit!" Cole persists.
"Cole, the story is not literal. Please stop interrupting, all of you," Evie says for the nth time.
"The fifth who came was the Dragon, Divine Victoria, the most powerful of animals in all creation."
"Now that's perfect, darling," Vivienne says with a smile. "Yes, but why did I come late?"
"That's precisely what the Jade Empress asked the Dragon, to which she said that she just couldn't help but visit her tailor in Val Royeaux in order to be not only the mightiest, but also the most dashing of all creation."
"Typical," Bull points out with a hearty laugh.
"The Jade Empress was also most pleased that the Dragon brought her the latest fashionable hats from Orlais. As soon as she tried one of the Dragon's hats, there came Dorian the magnificent stallion, panting, 'That hat's so horrible!'"
"Oh, I like that, truly!" exclaims Dorian. "Why do all Orlesians claim that they are the center of fashion, when we know that civilization itself comes from Tevinter?"
"Because all evil comes from Tevinter, darling," Vivienne coos. "Darkspawn, slavery, all that ugly business."
"While Dorian the Stallion and Vivienne the Dragon were arguing over the smallest detail in the Jade Empress's new hat, Leliana the Snake arrived to give a third opinion about the Jade Empress's wardrobe."
"I'm a snake?" Leliana asks.
"You're sneaky and scary," says Cullen. "But you're also enduring and industrious. I read in a Chasind book back in the Circle that those are the characteristics of the Snake."
"Oh well," Leliana concedes. "So I'm a sneaky, scary, enduring, and industrious fashion consultant to the Jade Empress. I can live with that."
"Can we please get on with the story?!" Evie exclaims. Not for the last time!
"The next who came were Bull the Ram, Varric the Monkey and Josie the Rooster. The three of them helped each other to reach the Jade Empress. They all depended on each other—Josie knew where to find help, Varric was really clever and resourceful, and when they got tired, Bull the Ram carried them on his shoulder."
"Bull the Ram," Bull says. "Almost tolerable. Make sure Krem doesn't find out, or I'll never hear the end of it."
"Bull the Battering Ram, eh?" laughs Sera. "You look like a battering ram!"
"Buttering Ram, that's more like it," says Dorian.
"The story, for the love of the Maker!" Evie exclaims.
"Ssh, darling," Cullen pleads. He wraps an arm around Evie, and plants a kiss on her hair. "But what of me?"
"As it turns out, Cullen the Dog—"
"Cullen the dog, hahaha!" laughs Bull. "Definitely better than Bull the Battering Ram."
"Yes, hawt dawg," guffaws Sera. "Naughty, naughty!"
"Maker," Cullen whispers as he blushes immensely.
"You're cute when you blush," Evie tells him, and pecks his cheek.
"And your overwhelming sweetness just makes me want to wrap you two in a big red ribbon," Dorian says haughtily.
"Can I go ahead with the story? So Cullen the Dog arrived. He's actually one of those who first heard the call from the Jade Empress, but on the way he couldn't help helping poor people from being attacked by rogue templars and rebel mages. So when his beloved Jade Empress—"
"Wait, the Jade Empress and the Dog are having sex?" Blackwall asks.
"No, of course not! I'm just saying that the Dog is the most loyal and loving of all of creation."
"Not to mention he's cute Cully-Wully mabari-puppykins too," Sera giggles.
"The Commander has such a charm, I concede," Cassandra adds, as the Bull continues laughing his enormous heart out.
"Will we ever get to the end of the story?!"Evie pleads.
"So after welcoming her adorable Dog to her Palace, the Jade Empress was about to call it a day, when she hears a small squeal. Any guesses?"
"Shouldn't Buttercup here be the last?" Varric asks.
"Yes, but what should Sera be?" Josephine queries. "I can't recall all the animals of that tale."
"Sera was the Pig. She heard the call of the Jade Empress—"
"How fitting," Vivienne says contemptuously. "A pig is most definitely more likable than her. Especially a teacup pig."
"Now, no need to be mean, O Wondrous Divine Victoria," Dorian counters.
"Well, Sera does seem to be the type who is late," says Leliana.
"Hey, you, I'm no pig!" protests Sera.
"And I'm no dog too," says Cullen, "how does it feel to have the shoe on the other foot?"
Sera blows a raspberry.
"Why was Sera late?" asks Josephine.
"Because she got distracted and made a stop at all the taverns on the way to the Jade Empress's castle. So when she appeared before her, she was all tipsy. But the Jade Empress was magnanimous, and didn't turn down a genuine offer of help. Thus, Sera became part of the Inquisition. And they all teamed up to kill Corypheus, and peace and justice and happiness ruled the world."
"Wait, that's it?" Evie asks. "I just sit around being magnanimous and peaceful and just? No action?"
"Well," the storyteller, Chef Ellie, answers, "the Jade Empress is quite fond of sweets. So while waiting for her super mega awesome task force, she ate a lot of cake. Then when everyone's there, she grabbed her staff and proceeded to kick Corypheus's butt. I haven't gotten to the details of that story yet. Besides, Varric's writing something like that already."
"Sure am, Your Inquisitorialness," Varric says. He raises his mug, and proposes a toast: "To our very own Jade Empress, and to her awesome companions and advisers!"
More drinks are drunk, more stories told, more toasts are made in honor of the New Year, and soon it's time to say farewell. The inner circle, some of whom don't spend much time in the Inquisition anymore, all have come back to Skyhold for Evie's New Year get-together. Even Divine Victoria—whom she still calls Viv when they're alone together—is there. And of course, the person whom she's leaned on for support and cooked all her comfort food, her best friend, Chef Ellie. Well, except Solas, who hasn't really been the most friendly of all. Maybe it's fitting that he got cast as the Rat.
Evie smiles as Cullen leads her by the hand to her bedroom. She thanks Andraste and the Maker—who she's come to believe over the past few months, thanks in part to Cullen's own faith—for all the love she's received.
.
A/N: Credit where credit is due: Thanks to Bioware for creating such wonderful characters and allowing us to play with them! I also have to thank AgapeErosPhilia who asked for a story about the cast of Inquisition as animals of the Chinese Zodiac in the Dragon Age Fanfiction Writers Group in Facebook, and to my beloved partner Rebo, who shared to me the wonderful Chinese legend which I have used as template of this story. There are many versions of this tale, some featuring the Jade Emperor, some featuring the Buddha, and I humbly add this one featuring my Inquisitor, Lady Evie.