Disclaimer:
I own no part of the 'Twilight Universe'... only the idea to this story. This is strictly for fun.
Author's note:
'SIERRABEAR' has kindly offered to help me as a beta. Good thing! → fewer mistakes! ;)
Thank you so much!
AND: THANK YOU ALL!
For reading, for following, for favoring, and especially for reviewing!
Previously:
I felt myself being shifted gently and laid down on the bed, before the soft cover was placed over me. It was cold. I shivered and curled up after I had rolled on my side with difficulty. But I was still not completely aware. The bed was so soft and I was so heavy and a little achy.
I didn't hear more, as I slipped into dream-world.
Chapter 39 (Bella's pov):
When I woke again, I was disoriented and groggy. The room was dark now apart from the soft orange glow that came from the hearth. It idly crossed my mind that I hadn't had a nightmare in a long time... A soft knock on the door quickly jolted my thoughts back into the moment.
"Come in," I grumbled.
The door opened silently and within the next second Marcus sat in the chair next to my bed.
"Bella, it's wonderful to see you awake again. I hope you rested well?" he questioned in his soft voice that instantly had me more relaxed. It just put me so at ease.
"Mm-hmm," I told him wordlessly.
With a lot of effort on my part I managed to turn onto my back. It felt better like this. I must have lain on my side the entire time I slept. Marcus eyed me with curiosity and confusion, while as I struggled to sit up further in my bed. Honestly, I failed miserably. After writhing in one place for a few moments, I finally gave up with an annoyed huff.
"Bella? Are you in pain?" Marcus asked, when I didn't say anything.
This was so embarrassing. I couldn't even sit up by myself. My cheeks heated and I blushed in frustration. The rest of me felt slightly cold.
Unbidden tears sprang to my eyes and fell without my consent.
"Oh, Bella, I meant you no offense," my companion reassured me at once sounding truly contrite. I shook my head.
"No, no. This has nothing to with you. I just feel so, so … I don't like it. I couldn't even sit up!" I wailed.
"Oh, Cara Mia … here … let me help you … yes?"
He was beside me in an instant, one knee resting on the bed, his arms outstretched for me, emphasizing his offer of help.
I just lifted my arms a little, not able to do more, and I really didn't want to beg. Selfishly, I wanted to be held by him. It always made me feel better … comfortable and safe … warm despite his cold. It felt like nothing bad in the world could touch me when I was in his arms.
Marcus didn't hesitate and I found myself gently lifted from the bed with his right arm slung around my back. He brought me close to his chest and adjusted the pillows with his left hand. Slowly he laid me back. His scent was heavenly. It was like a drug to me, much like HIS had been. I nipped this thought in its bud. I didn't want to go there.
Reluctantly I released the already weak hold of my arms around his neck. How had they gotten there? I wasn't sure.
The tears had subsided as quickly as they had come.
Marcus rearranged the cover with care and sat back on his chair. His eyes had not once left mine, as far as it had been possible. Distantly I noticed they shone a bright crimson again, not the dark red I had last seen, when I had been awake. I was astonished that it didn't bother me more.
"Thank you," I mumbled, while I rubbed my eyes and cheeks to get rid of the lingering wetness – that- and to break our staring contest of sorts.
"You are most welcome, Isabella. I am glad I could be of help. Are you comfortable now?" he smiled at me.
A nod on my part and an answering smile were enough of a reply.
"Now that you are well situated, I would like to give you a small gift," his smile broadened and he presented me with a small parcel, wrapped in plain yellow paper, that seemed to have come out of nowhere.
When I wanted to object, he just sent me a scolding glare, and I faltered. I had not enough energy to argue, but I was still wary, when I held it in my hands.
I didn't dare open it. What if history repeated itself? What if I yet again managed to get a paper cut?
Automatically my mind flashed back to the evening of my eighteenth birthday and all its' consequences: the drop of red; the black eyes; the months of agony that followed; all the blood; my father's death; her cold eyes and cruel laugh.
"Bella!" I was jolted back to reality by my name being called and to someone shaking me.
"Good, Bella. Now, look at me," a voice commanded and my chin was directed upwards. I met Aro's penetrating gaze. It held mine.
"Concentrate on your breathing. Breathe with me … yes? In … and out. In … and out," he instructed me.
"Very well, just like that … and again." I felt like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs, and my hands and fingers were prickling painfully. I followed his lead mechanically.
We repeated that routine a few more times. Slowly the pressure in my chest became less and less and the tingling in my fingers got better.
"Good," he nodded letting go of my shoulder and chin. I became aware of a gentle hand rubbing soothing patterns on my back and I leaned into the contact.
Gratefully I looked to my side where Marcus sat quietly only a few inches to my right.
He had just wanted to give me something and I completely freaked out on him.
"I'm so sorry!" I mouthed at him silently, yet urgently, my voice barely a whisper.
He shook his head softly and reached his hand up slowly to wipe away fresh tears. I was appalled at myself, at my mind.
"It's alright, Isabella. You are alright now," he soothed me and brought me closer to him.
This outburst had drained me and I sunk gratefully back into his hold.
"Please don't ..." I begged, reaching out for his hand as if it were a lifeline, when he went to gently lay me back. For once I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I needed contact. I didn't want to be alone, even if I didn't deserve this, his closeness, the soothing physical contact. But what if he drew away?
Before panic could set in he smiled reassuringly and told me softly, "of course, Bella."
Slowly he laid back against the pillows and gently drew me closer to him.
I let out a deep sigh, when he had arranged us. I was positioned on my right side, my head rested on a thin pillow placed over his shoulder and my left hand held onto his shirt.
He kept soothing me, whispering in this other language, but I found I didn't care what he said, just the way he said it and held me. After a few minutes he turned to face me a little and began to brush his hand comfortingly over my head and hair down to my shoulders.
I felt safe.
"Can you tell me what happened, Bella? Just a short summary?" Marcus asked after a few moments of silence.
"It was silly, really. Just my head plying tricks on me again," I tried to placate him, adding a shrug for good measure.
I hoped he'd let it slide, that he wouldn't ask for details, but he did.
"Bella, dear, I wish you would talk to me," he sighed, then pushed on: "what caused you to flash back? Please explain … I need to know, so I won't repeat this mistake."
He was so considerate. He really cared for me it seemed, though I didn't understand why. Tears welled in my eyes and silently brimmed over to stream down my cheeks. He held me a little tighter. I could feel his chin resting over my head, we were so close.
"You can tell me, we are friends. Just trust in me, Isabella, I will do all I can to help you. You need not bear this alone."
I felt his breath in my hair.
Though his voice didn't change much I had the distinct feeling he was hurting, too.
"You are not alone," he whispered, resting his cool cheek on my head.
That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, or the last wall of defense, that I had left.
I clung to him with all the strength I could muster as I - for the first time in forever - opened up to someone. The waterworks were working overtime.
"It was your present. Thank you for it, really. It just reminded me, you know? Last time I opened a present … it was on my birthday … The coven had decided to throw me a party for my 'big day' … I hadn't wanted to celebrate at all..." I broke off, recalling my fear of getting older than he was. It seemed so silly now.
"I hadn't wanted presents either," I told him and I didn't even try to keep my resentment for that part out of my voice. If they had just listened!
"They insisted … there were so many gifts … I felt so ashamed, it was all too much, and I knew I'd never be able to give them anything back.
"When I went to open the first present, it was a small box like the one you just gave me … I don't know how it happened, perhaps it was just bad luck, me being my usual clumsy self or perhaps I didn't pay enough attention ..." I paused, trying to remember those details, but it was all just a blur.
"The paper cut my finger." I was breathing harsher, quicker. I could see it all so clearly before my mind's eye.
"It was just a drop … just a tiny drop." I remembered how it slid down my finger and fell to the floor, as if it had happened in slow motion.
"Jasper lost it, his eyes were black, cold … he went for me ... I was flung out of his reach," it was like viewing that evening as a spectator, but the fear was just the same.
"The table broke … so many glass shards … my arm was bleeding … they froze, all eyes black … I was so scared..." I sobbed. Squeezing my eyes shut. I had never thought about this evening in such detail. I was petrified.
"Shh! … Bella … Shh! You are here, not there. Take a deep breath. You are safe." Marcus reassured me softly. "Just breathe deeply, slowly. You are safe here."
Only when he told me to slow my breathing did I realize, that I was gasping for air, sucking in quick shallow breaths. With his help I regained control. And when I felt better I continued.
"They left … one of them stayed, helped with my arm ..."
Carlisle had been so calm, contrite and sad, but he had helped me, not like a doctor, but like a father. This thought made me cry even harder.
"… the next two days, were bad … my, erm, friend wouldn't talk to me … he was so distant." Thinking about this time hurt badly, my heart ached, the stitches holding it together crumbled into dust. I choked back another sob. Marcus remained silent. He still caressed my back in a rhythmic motion and let me come apart in his arms.
He was here for me. Did he understand the severity though? Was losing a friend as bad as losing your love? Would I reveal too much if I told him the truth? If I told him that my 'friend' had really been more? … Much more?
My tears had slowed during my musing.
Hesitatingly I craned my head back and looked up at Marcus. I was met with his incredibly soft gaze. I had never thought red eyes could hold so much feeling, so much compassion. The decision was easily made, he deserved the truth.
"You know, I wasn't completely honest," I told Marcus in a small voice. I felt his gaze on me, but I kept my eyes trained on his shirt buttons.
"How so?" he asked calmly. I thought he sounded merely curious, but I couldn't be sure.
"I mean, we were more than just friends … I liked him a lot. He … We dated. Of course he was always careful with me, even more so than with other humans, because I smelled better to him than anyone else ever had. That had been the reason why he left the school (extra space) for so long after our first encounter … He said I was his very own customized brand of heroin … that my blood called to him."
At my words Marcus' grip tightened to the point of pain.
"Impossibile! Il suo cantante!?" He growled.
"Marcus, please, too tight, your holding me too tight!" I whimpered.
At once his hold loosened, but he didn't let go of me and he kept talking … probably to whoever was still in the room. I didn't care, I was comfortable again, and too curious to what was going on.
"I apologize, Isabella. Did I hurt you? Should we call for the doctor?" Marcus asked only seconds later, his voice dripping with concern and remorse. He held me back and looked at me scrutinizingly.
"I'm okay, Marcus, really. It just hurt for a moment, then I told you straight away and you let go immediately. I'm good." I reassured him. I still felt secure in his arms.
"What was this all about? Did I say something wrong?" I worried aloud after a few more moments of silence.
"No, no you said nothing wrong, Bella. What you described, that your scent appealed to him more than anything else … we call a human whose blood has such an effect on a vampire a singer, for your blood sings to him. You were 'Il suo cantante', his singer. It is unheard, that a vampire resists such a siren's call. You could be dead … should be dead under normal circumstances," he explained softly, cradling my head lightly to his chest. I was stunned. Never had I thought I had such a devastating effect on him.
"I am so grateful you were the exception, that you are still here … with us … with me," Marcus whispered to me. I nodded mutely.
This revelation had stunned me and I was lost in thought about its ramifications.
Marcus steered me back to the topic softly: "his distant behavior must have hurt very much when you felt so strongly for him."
I nodded solemnly.
"One evening after the 'birthday disaster' he asked me to take a walk with him, and I thought we would finally talk it through, you know, get over it?" I whispered still not understanding how I could have been so sorely mistaken. The first tears were brimming over and I had to clear my throat before I could continue.
"He led me a short distance into the forest behind my father's house. Then he told me they were leaving, that he didn't want me … That the others had already left," I choked out between sobs. "He, he told me I wasn't good enough," I uttered despondently.
"He said I'd just been a distraction he had tired of," I coughed out another gut wrenching sob. "I would forget ... human minds were like sieves," I repeated, shaking with grief and heartbreak.
"His eyes were so cold, emotionless ... no trace of the tenderness I'd usually see … so cold."
I needed some moments to gain enough air to continue talking.
"It was like a slap to my face but, at the same time, I felt so numb. I couldn't comprehend what he'd said … what he meant. He was gone! I tried to follow him. I wanted to talk to him … no … I needed to talk to him. I ran after him! I tried so hard!" I rushed out between sobs, the feelings connected to this memory almost overwhelming me anew. I looked up, seeking eye contact; I needed to see he was still here … here with me. Without a word Marcus reached up with his hand and wiped some tears from my cheek.
"I felt so lonely. I got lost and it got dark. I fell. It was raining and I got so cold. I felt the coldness seep into my bones. My teeth were chattering but I didn't feel it. They told me later I had been hypothermic. I just didn't have the strength in me to get up again. I heard people call me, but I couldn't answer … I couldn't form the words. It was as if I was surrounded in a heavy thick black cloud. It was oppressive. I couldn't think and I felt like my soul had literally been ripped out of my body, leaving a gaping hole. The only thing that constantly went through my head was 'he's gone!" I confided hoarsely.
"Sam found me. It later turned out he is one of the people who shift into wolves. He found me by simply tracking my scent." By now everything just seemed to bubble out of me.
"The two weeks after that I don't really remember. I know they threw words around like catatonic, admission and stuff, but the meaning didn't register. I honestly don't know if I drank, ate, slept or talked at all during this time. I just felt so empty, so broken and alone.
"It was when my mum came up to take me with her that I 'woke up' from this stupor, my 'zombie phase'. All of a sudden I was so full of rage ..." I still felt terribly guilty when I remembered this night, the first and only temper tantrum I had ever thrown.
"Suffice to say, I got to stay with my dad in Forks. I couldn't leave. I was so afraid to remember, yet at the same time terrified to forget. By then I had successfully lost all friends, well, I hadn't had many to begin with. I had been so involved with him and his coven, that I had neglected all other social ties," I admitted ashamedly.
The tears still kept coming and Marcus had given up trying to wipe them away. Instead he simply held me and let me talk, drawing soothing circles on my back. All the things I had kept bottled up for so long simply spilled out of me as if I had no choice.
"I tried so hard to be normal, for Charlie. I saw how much my behavior hurt him and I tried. My mum and dad, even some teachers, tried to make me go and see a therapist, but I couldn't, … I was so afraid I'd let something slip.
"I befriended Jacob again, on Charlie's insistence. Jacob is the son of a good friend of my dad's … we practically grew up together," I explained.
"I got better, at least somewhat. When I would spend a day with him, I'd feel better, breathing was easier, and the nightmares wouldn't be as bad." My heart clenched painfully at the thought of Jacob. Was he well? Was the pack well?
"We were rebuilding old motorcycles ̶ " I stopped, undecided whether I ought to tell Marcus about the voice I had heard and the visions. In the end I went for telling him, because it really didn't matter anymore.
"I had ... I mean, when I did something dangerous, I heard his voice. It was like if he was right next to me." Marcus eyes were instantly on me. I felt his gaze burning a hole in my head, but I didn't look up. I just kept talking in that eerily soft voice that belied my own wonderment.
"Sometimes I could even see him. He was angry with me for doing reckless things, but I didn't care, because at least he was there, even if just for a fleeting moment ... the motorcycles were perfect," I confided.
"Then one day out of the blue Jake stopped seeing me. He wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even answer my phone calls. He had promised to be there for me no matter what; had promised not to hurt me," the tears and sobs had taken up in force again with the memory of those days.
"I didn't know what I'd done … I thought I was going crazy, seeing thing, hearing things, everyone I cared for leaving me … I was yesterday's trash, simply dumped somewhere and left for good," I tried to explain.
"I was alone again and the darkness that had receded so slowly in his presence came back with a vengeance." I shuddered and snuggled closer to Marcus, holding onto his shirt. He tightened his grip a little, obviously understanding I needed his hold. He held me together now.
I shook my head to come out of it.
"Although I knew he wouldn't answer, I kept calling him. One day my sadness turned into frustration and, after calling and being denied again, I was furious. I was sick and tired of being ignored." My voice grew louder with the memory of the anger I had felt back then.
"On the spur of the moment I jumped into my car and drove to the reservation to confront him. When I got there and finally met him, he had grown at least five inches within weeks and had filled out. But what astonished me most was that he behaved so funny, so cold it cut me deep. It was then that I realized there were other boys just like him standing behind him. Jake and I had watched them in previous months and thought they were part of some cult or something. One of them was so damn cocky. I don't know what came over me, but when he started to laugh at me because of something I said, I lost it and slapped him as hard as I could. The next thing I knew there was a huge, snarling wolf instead of the boy I'd hit in front of me. The rest is kind of fuzzy. I turned for the house running while Jake was running towards me. Behind me I could hear the thuds of the beast's paws on the sodden ground. Before I ran straight into Jake he suddenly jumped over me. I fell and when I turned around, Jake had disappeared, and in his place there was a huge second wolf, only this one was defending me. I was petrified and didn't move or breathe. I was too afraid I'd draw their attention. They fought each other into the woods. The other boys took me back to Sam's home and then they explained everything to me … how there had always been men like them, able to turn into large wolves to protect their tribe from vampires. They called themselves 'The protectors'. It was so surreal. I remember every detail though. How, when they exploded into wolves, little pieces of fabric fell to the floor ... the scent in the air … the torn shoes," I trailed off. It had been unbelievable.
Subconsciously I realized there was no movement in the room anymore, no sound but the beeping and dripping and swishing noises of the medical equipment.
I was still safely cradled to Marcus' chest.
I took a deep breath and relished the complexity and richness of Marcus' scent. It enveloped me like a security blanket.
"It turned out okay. When I got over the initial shock we became friends again and I got better. I even found new friends within the pack. I could talk freely about most things with them, but I was still an outsider, somewhat … at least I felt like one … I was still the vampire girl."
I knew what I would tell him next and I feared it. For a few minutes I refused to think about anything. I closed my eyes and just lay there in my friend's arms, accepting his comfort.
" And then she was back, … Victoria … " I broke the serene moment. "I was terrified. There were hikers going missing," I had to swallow hard as the first tears fell. Somewhere deep inside I idly wondered how there were still tears left.
"The pack chased her away again and again. I had to sit back at the reservation and wait. I was so worried one of them might get hurt, that one of them might not return ..." I was full out sobbing now. "And then … " I couldn't talk anymore. I was falling again.
"It was all my fault," I cried out hysterically. I struggled to get away from Marcus, but he wouldn't let go. I fought him, while my mouth kept screaming through the sobs.
"She tricked us … the pack … dad and I … I couldn't stop her … I couldn't do anything! … she kept laughing at me … I begged her to let him be, to just kill me – not him," I screeched incoherently. Funny thing was that I felt myself calm down, but it was an unnatural calm, briefly I thought of Jasper. The anxiety and pain didn't completely recede though, but it allowed me to become more coherent and in control of my own actions.
"I can't … I don't deserve it … how could I?" I wailed and tried again to get out of Marcus' strong, restraining embrace.
"What don't you deserve, Bella? What?" Marcus asked me sternly.
"Comfort, anything good ..." I sobbed and I told him that I didn't deserve comfort, care and all these things … that they were not for me, that, in fact, I had denied myself physical contact, comfort of any form, because I wasn't worth it. All those people had gotten killed because of me. I was not worth their lives … That's why I had come to Volterra … to put an end to all the pain and killing once and for all … so no more innocent people would be hurt because of me.
I went on to share that I feared the consequences if he or anyone I got close … how they could be hurt because of me … that he could be hurt, or Aro, or someone else here.
I also told him how selfish and weak I was, because I wanted contact, that I craved it, that it made me feel better.
All through my breakdown he held me close to him, but never interrupted me once. He offered silent support, rubbing my back and caressing my hair, while I sobbed my heartache into his chest, choking on my tears sometimes in my hysterics.
There was movement around us, but I didn't look up, didn't care who was there, because I was safe in his embrace. I was cocooned by him.
After what must have been hours, the rivers of tears had dried up and the sobs had turned into sniveling.
Marcus leaned away from me a little but still had a good hold, when he spoke in an even softer tone: "I am here for you, Bella, and I will stay here. I will not leave you. You're safe here. You will not be alone again. I promise." His eyes held mine, telling me in their own tongue that he meant every word, that he was sincere. And I believed him. I was too tired of being wary, of being distant. I just wanted to enjoy the comfort he offered and he offered it still, although he now practically knew everything. On my part there were no essential secrets anymore. He had seen me at my lowest.
He softly wiped his thumb over my eyes and it was sheer bliss, the coolness of his touch the perfect remedy for my aching, burning eyes.
"But I'm scared for you. I'm not good for you or your family," I admitted sadly.
"Oh, Bella. You are safe here. Victoria will never cause you sorrow or grief again. We intended to wait to inform you until your health had improved … but seeing you like this I think it will be better if you know now. Bella, Cara Mia, the red head you told us about, this Victoria, she set foot into Volterra two days ago. You might think it was yesterday, but you have slept the day away without ever waking." I was shocked at this information.
"She was brought to trial and found guilty on the account of exposure, the creation of a newborn army and generally risky behavior. She was sentenced to the final death and executed immediately. She will never harm you or anyone dear to you again," he told me gently. I had heard him loud and clear, but I couldn't get my head around it.
She was dead. It was that simple. After all the trouble she had caused, all the times she had escaped the wolves, she was dead now. Nonexistent. Gone. Erased.
There was so much I wanted to say, to ask, and I opened my mouth several times to speak, but nothing came out.
Marcus continued, "I apologize for the blunt delivery, Isabella. I thought it would be cruel to let you live a moment longer in this fear," he explained.
I nodded feverishly. He was right. I liked that he had been so open with me.
In response to my obvious agreement he smiled a tiny smile and held me closer again.
"Good. You don't have to say anything, Bella. Just relax now, you are safe. You can sleep now. Just rest … I will stay," he murmured calmingly in my ear, while his hand had taken back up rubbing the soothing circles.
First I was certain I would never find sleep. My body was tired, wrung out, but my mind was a flurry of thoughts, like life on an anthill. Marcus never ceased his efforts though and my eyes grew heavy and I relaxed more into his hold. He was still here. Victoria was gone …
"Thank you," I yawned loudly. "All of you."
End note:
So, 'SIERRBEAR' and I worked quite hard on this chapter. I value her input so much. She is wonderful and helped immensely to shape this chapter. Thank you!
Reviews are, of course, very welcome. ;)