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I do have permission from TwigCollins and ThorneScratch to do these fanfics, so don't worry. I did just realize, though, that I'm not entirely certain that some of the quotes I use/sorta paraphrase aren't ones that I found in the comments section...-.-;; I'm so sorry! If you realize that I have done this to you please tell me.

Here is the pretteh in its original habitat (you'll need to remove the spaces): http:// thorne-scratch. livejournal. com /145125. html

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters within, aside from Kira. Nor do I own the inspiration behind it. I merely found said inspiration, scared the living dayllights out of my poor mother laughing, and wrote.

In Which One Learns Why Zack Is Not Not Allowed In the 63rd Floor Bar or the Bi-monthly BS Tournament

All he could feel was a sense of horrified déjà vu. The phone had rung and he, not knowing the horrors that lay on the other line, had answered it.

Worst idea he'd ever had. Again.

A minute later Kira looked up from where she was lounged on the couch with an ice pack on her head at a barely heard comment from the other end of the line.

"Knock it off wi-hic- th the pigtails!"

"Who's in pigtails?" Sephiroth's hand started twitching, "You, Dobbins, and Cloud? Who's Cloud?... You put pigtails on your chocobo?"

"He means one of the Shinra regular troopers, sir." Kira told him helpfully.

"Chocobo?"

"It's his hair. I'll get you a picture as soon as I can, sir."

"Thank you Kira. Why are you in pigtails?" At the answer he let his head droop to his desk, putting the phone down next to his head and pressed the speakerphone button. All Kira could do was stare in near shock.

"…-hic- then Fall said that whoever lost the bet, 'Cept I wasn't allowed to play, I hadta hope -hic- that Cloud would win. Only Cloud can't play BS -hic- 'gainst Kimley. Even I gotsta be cone sold stober to beat him. An' I wasn't. But I wasn't playin him, Cloud was-"

"Zack. Why. Exactly. Are you. In pigtails?" Sephiroth's hand was twitching dangerously close to his paperweight, a three-pound bronze dragon he'd gotten in Wutai.

"Cloud lost -hic- the card game. So now me'n him'n Dobbins gotta go round under the Pl-hic-ate in drag. Fall, Urick, 'n' Voltaire had'ta go round in their underwear. 'Cept Voltaire couldn't cause his brother's sick and his brother couldn't -hic- watch him. He wouldn'ta done it anyways, betcha he's got teddybears on 'is boxers. -hic-"

Sephiroth looked at the phone in horror at the thought of what they'd have had to do to get one of the most stiff-backed Soldier Firsts to go out drinking and agree to such a game, let alone sit by and watch as a squad worth of Soldier Firsts and Seconds got soused. Quickly, though, his brain caught up with Zack's exact words.

Staring at the phone in unadulterated terror, Sephiroth could just get out one word.

"Underwear?"

"Yuppers! -hic- Urick's got rubber duckies on his boxers! Fall wears briefs. -hic-" An appreciative noise came from Kira, "You an' -hic- everybody else on the street, Kira. Then some -hic- cops came around and dragged them off fer some reason … -hic-"

"Wandering the streets in merely your underwear is not generally acceptable." Was all he could tell the other man in his dumbstruck state.

"Yeah but we were all born nekkid -hic- anyways. What's the big deal? The cops said they'd give'em back once they weren't drunked no more. -hic- So don't worry 'bout being short people!"

For some odd reason Sephiroth found himself adjusting to the situation, almost to the point of accepting what was going on. It really shouldn't have been as surprising as it was, considering Zack.

"Trust me when I say this Zack: that was the last thing to cross my mind."

"Shit, this skirt keeps -hic- blowing up. Is Kira there?"

"Right here Zack. I'm not lending you fishnets if that's what you were going to ask." Kira told him from where she was standing by the desk, having given up on her attempt to get in a quick rest.

"I know. But when the skirt flips -hic- the whole street gets a good look at my -hic- premium Soldier ass."

Kira's eyes went wide and her mouth began to pull up into a smirk. She looked to Sephiroth.

"General, sir, why don't I go down there to bring them all back and deliver a pair of shorts to-"

"Let's not, hmm?" Sephiroth cut in evenly, "That way we don't have to worry about the pictures you'd inevitably take falling into the wrong hands. Now Zack, I want you all to put your proper clothes on and come back to the compound immediately."

"Aww! But Sephy! We're having fun -hic- " a soft, bewildered 'We are?' came from Zack's end of the line, "'O course we are Cloud! 'Sides, all our clothes are -hic- back at the bar and the owner ain't letting us back in till we're -hic- sober! Ain't they Reno?"

Sephiroth and Kira looked at one another in horror as an equally soused affirmative was sounded, before springing into action. Sephiroth hung up on the drunken party and quickly put in a call to Tseng, as Kira ran to call down for a car to be readied, throw her gun in its holster, and grab her and Sephiroth's coats. In the background Sephiroth's brief conversation could be heard.

"It's Reno and Zack. The two of them and some of Zack's Soldier friends were betting while drinking. Several were arrested for public indecency and several more are still on the lam in women's garb without underthings. Be in the garage in five minutes….Yes, please do." With that he hung up and, grabbing his jacket from Kira, ran out the door and into the elevator, PHS in hand. Kira patted the camera she kept in her jacket pocket for occasions like this with satisfaction.

Once they were in the elevator he called Zack to bark one last order, "Put some pants on. Now. I mean it. What do you mean Strife is being sexually accosted? Then get him away from them and into some pants as well! Immediately Zack!"

Kira's hand went to the gun in her other jacket pocket while her eyebrow twitched.

Thirty minutes later they pulled up in separate Shinra issue vehicles in front of the church where Zack was sitting on the steps with Dobbins, Kimley, and a blond who Sephiroth assumed to be Cloud. Zack had Cloud on the step below him with his arms hanging on his shoulders and his chin on his head grinning like the cat that had eaten the canary. Cloud, on the other hand had a miserable, terrified look on his face like a chocobo who'd gotten into the garbage, even though he knew better, and been caught.

Kimley and Dobbins were leaning back on the stairs laughing at something or other, Sephiroth and Kira doubted they wanted to know. As it was they were too busy trying to get the view they had up Dobbins' skirt out of their minds. This time Kira did pull the gun out of her jacket and point it at Dobbins who stopped laughing along with Kimley and sat up straight with his legs pulled together.

"Thank you, Dobbins." Sephiroth said in a calm monotone that disguised his inner harassed feeling, "Dobbins. Kimley. In the van, now. Dobbins there are pants for you on the back seat. Zack, passenger seat in the van. There are pants for you as well." So saying he turned to the van to get in.

"C'mon, Cloud, sweetness. You're riding with me. There are some pants and a shirt for you in the car. You can change on the way to the bar to get your clothes." Kira coaxed Cloud. Once they had gotten in and Cloud had shimmied the pants on in the backseat and was putting on a shirt she turned to ask him one question, "Where the hell is Reno?"

"Well, about that…" Cloud near whispered, obviously hesitant, as he jerked his head down to his shoulder but not fast enough to see what had been hidden by the tall collar on the women's blouse he'd been wearing.

"What the hell happened to your neck Cloud?! Is that a hickey? Reno did it didn't he. That little shit, he's done it this time. Why didn't Zack stop him? Where is he Cloud?"

Kira's arm was twitching in what looked scarily like she was trying to fire a rifle; she had lived in a backwater town afterall, he reminded himself. Out in the middle of nowhere everybody needed to know some way of protecting themselves, and it was usually firearms for women. Though…Cloud did remember Zack saying something was off about Kira's files before, about ten to fifteen years of her life were missing; but then, so were those of plenty of people who lived in the boondocks. About seven years or more were missing for most of the older Nibelheim residents.

"It's…a hickey. Um, Zack left me with Reno so he could beat up some guy who grabbed my…at me. When he came back he saw Reno…um, yeah…so he almost attacked him except Rude showed up and dragged Reno off."

"So Rude dragged him off, huh?" Kira whipped out her cell phone and hit the speed dial, " Sir? This is Kira. The Turks have custody of Reno. According to Cloud, Reno was the instigator of all this."

"I never said that!"

Zack's voice came over the phone corroborating Cloud's supposed confession along with Kimley's and Dobbins' agreements.

For the next three weeks the Turks had Reno under 'house arrest.' Those that had been present that night or had been told of what had happened preferred to call it protective custody.

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