NOTE: Whew. I won't waste your time with a paragraph on why this took so long. Just know that I have written seven versions of this chapter in the last month, and NONE of them were to my liking, so I just kept going. Writer's block is a bitch, and I'm still not completely happy with the way this turned out, but I hope you guys like it! As always, thanks for all of your support! Love you all!

EXPRESSING MY LOVE

- 4 -

Lindsey

The sound of his ex-boyfriend's voicemail was enough to make Logan vomit all on its own.

"Hey, what's up, babe? Sorry, but you don't get the extreme pleasure of talking with the Ethan Collier right now. I know, it's a sad feeling. But look, why don't you leave me a message, and if you're a really good girl, I'll make your day and give your bell a ring later. Ciao, baby."

Having to hear that shit eight times in one day was enough to make him cut his ears off. Eight times. Yep, he'd tried calling Ethan back eight times since the night before. He'd sent ten text messages, too, each one getting more impatient than the one before it. And after all of these attempts at contacting the first, and only, person he'd ever been in a relationship with, he had nothing to show for it. Absolutely nothing. Ethan had never answered the calls or replied to the texts, and now Logan was feeling like a complete and total fool.

No more, he vowed to himself as he hung up the phone and put it on the coffee table. No more chances for him...no more BS for me.

He sank into the sofa in his grandmother's living room. It was Friday afternoon, and he was feeling sorry for himself. He looked out the window, where a grey sky did nothing to help his mood. Would he ever get through this summer? He was stuck in Nowheresville, where nothing was familiar and very few things were welcoming. He had to keep watch over a dying grandmother that he barely knew. Apparently, there was no cable. And now, he was being played like a fiddle by an ex who was hundreds of miles away.

"What's wrong with you?" his mom asked when she came down the hall from her sickly mother-in-law's room. She and Mr. Mitchell had decided to spend the day at her bedside.

Logan just shook his head. He didn't want to talk about it, especially not with her. His parents had warned him about Ethan from day one, and the last thing he needed was another "We told you so" lecture.

"Nothing's wrong," he said quietly as he rose to his feet. "I'm just a little bored." He yawned and stretched, soliciting a puzzled look from his mom.

"Didn't you bring along a ton of your medical journals?" she asked. "I figured you'd spend half the summer with your nose buried in those."

Logan eyed the stack of journals on the floor by the TV. He'd read eight of the ten, cover-to-cover, and for the first time in his life, he was utterly tired of looking at them. "I read them all," he effortlessly fibbed.

"Well," Mrs. Mitchell said, "there are plenty of other things for you to do. Why don't you get out and see the sights?"

Logan sauntered over to the screen door. In the weeks he'd been in Autumn, he hadn't found a whole lot of points of interest for himself. There was no museum, and the library was only useful for those who really, really needed fifty years' worth of Autumn public records. He had to admit that he was mildly interested in exploring the town's plant life, but as he looked out across the empty road, all he saw was wheat. Acre upon acre of wheat. "All right. The sights have been seen. Now what?"

Mrs. Mitchell sighed as she sat on the sofa and started looking through the papers that had been left there since the night before. She couldn't help but feel as though it had been a mistake for her and her husband to raise their son in Dallas. He was too used to the hypnotic pace of the city to fully appreciate the tranquility of a town like Autumn. "Why don't you go for a drive?"

"To where?"

"Nowhere!" she said matter-of-factly. "Just get in your car and go! Feel the breeze, explore uncharted territory!"

"And risk being stranded on the side of the road again? No thanks." He perched on the screen door, watching as a little barefoot boy walked down the street with a mangy dog. It was the most exciting thing he'd seen all day.

Mrs. Mitchell regarded him with sympathetic eyes, and she sifted through the papers, trying to make sense of something she and Logan's dad had been having problems with. It seemed like something was missing from the records...as if there was some secret stash of money that wasn't accounted for, and therefore, could have been anywhere. They'd been wracking their brains trying to figure it out.

"Wait a minute!" she recalled. "Didn't you just go to a new friend's house last night? Why don't you see what he's up to?"

Logan sighed and pressed his lips together. "I told you already. He's straight."

She rolled her eyes. "So what, Logan? Not every boy you meet has to be the next great love of your life, you know," she wisely advised. "Maybe it's exactly what you need, actually, after all the mess with that Ethan kid."

Ugh.

"A male friend with whom you're not romantically involved," she continued. "That way, there aren't any feelings to get in the way of anything."

Logan pondered, letting her words sink in and blend together with what he'd been thinking about for the better part of the day. He kept going back to what he'd seen in the corner of his eye as he drove away from Kendall's home. The darkness. Everywhere. It had come quickly and completely, and with it, Logan had known that Kendall wouldn't be spending the night with some dime-a-dozen, good-time-havin', small-town blonde after all. He felt really, really shitty for just leaving, and the more he'd thought about it throughout the day, the guiltier he felt. Here was a guy who'd gone out of his way to make him feel welcomed, and Logan had ditched him for someone who'd always done more harm than good. Kendall was sweet, and he was cute...and like Mrs. Mitchell said, so what if he was straight? Logan was smart enough to not let himself fall for a boy he now knew for a fact was straight, right?

Yes, yes I am. He's cute, and that's it. I can deal with that.

"He's probably busy," he shrugged, but he turned and looked at his keys on the end table. Lord knows he needed a friend, especially now.

"Well, I don't know what other options you have," his mother replied, closely concentrating on a document and slowly checking out of the conversation, but Logan was already picking up his keys and headed for the door. He wouldn't dare give her the satisfaction of knowing she'd solved his problem, but once he was gone, she looked up from her work and smiled, content with the fact that mother's intuition had saved the day.

End of Part One

Part Two

It was always very easy for Kendall to down himself. Whenever something in his life went wrong, he'd always take the blame. He'd done something stupid...or said the wrong thing...or made the wrong decision. Most of the people he'd ever really cared about had left him, and it was all his fault. It was like there was something in him that made people want to stay away. He didn't know what it was, but he knew for sure that it was there.

He slowly drove along the backroads of his hometown. There'd been some kind of chemical accident at the mill, so about half of the workers were sent home with pay to get a jump on their weekend. While most of Kendall's wheat factory brethren were planning to fire up the barbecue or crack open that first can of beer, Kendall's plans weren't as exciting. All he had was a lonely, empty trailer...and his own sad thoughts.

I had him in my house. And he was talkin' to me, and he was bein' sweet to me...and then he ran away from me. I mess up everything.

Logan had been a chance for something new and different, a chance for him to see if the "wild feelings" he'd been having for other boys since junior high were real, but the chance was gone. And if history had taught Kendall one thing, it was that once someone ran away from you, they never came back.

But as he rounded the last curve on the way home, he could see a familiar car parked in his driveway. Wait...is that him? He sat up in his seat as he got closer, and yes, Logan was standing right there beside his Mustang, almost ready to leave. Kendall pressed down a little harder on the accelerator, but he resolved to keep himself calm. Okay, don't mess up...don't mess up...don't mess it up again...

He pulled into the driveway and brought the Chevy truck to a loud and eager hault before shutting off the engine. As he climbed out and walked around the truck, Logan watched from the passenger side, subconsciously giving Kendall a good looking over. He wore the blue pants and striped blue shirt that were universal symbols for "manual labor," and a strange tingle went through Logan's body - did he really find the whole thing extremely attractive? No, I do not. It's not attractive in the least.

"Hey," Kendall greeted with false nonchalance and a serious face as he offered his hand.

"Hi," Logan replied. The hard-soft meeting of their skin gave them both a slight stir, and their eyes locked on each other, and there it was again - the flash. "I feel so stupid," Logan quickly let out before the flash could turn into a spark. He pulled his hand back. "I should have known you'd be busy today. You work forty hours a week, for crying out loud!"

"Oh, I'm not busy," Kendall informed, fearful that Logan might leave again. "I actually just got off from work, so I'm free for the rest of the day." He casually leaned back against the truck and stretched an untanned arm along the side of the bed, revealing little blond hairs. "So uh...what brings you over?" he asked smoothly, but inside, it was all he could do to not stutter.

Logan gulped as he glanced at the arm. Sexy. "I was just wondering if...you might have had some leftovers from last night," he said, but as he found it harder and harder to not look at Kendall in that way, he retreated. "But you're probably very tired from working so much, so I'll just come back another time."

"No!" Kendall urged, almost physically stopping Logan from pulling on the door handle. Relax. "I mean...no. I'm not busy, and I'm not tired. And...uh...I do have leftovers." He smiled to show his sincerity, hoping it would make Logan stay.

"Are you sure?" Logan asked, discovering that it was impossible to run out on that smile. He could lie to Kendall's back the night before with no problem, but to his face now? It couldn't be done.

"Yes!" Kendall answered, the urgency coming back a little. "I promise."

And then Logan smiled back, and he knew he had to stay. "Okay."

"Good. Follow me."

Kendall led Logan up onto the front porch. His growing anxiety made his hands shake, and he almost dropped the keys as he tried to unlock the door. "Sometimes it's a little tricky," he played it off, but Logan wasn't too blind to not see that he was doing the nerve dance underneath all of his husky bravado.

Once they stepped inside, Logan looked around and the trailer seemed like a new place. It was exactly the way it had been the night before, but it looked different in the daylight. There was a certain type of warmth, and it really felt like a home.

"So...is it still fun?" Kendall asked when he noticed Logan's reaction. "What was that word you used...kitcheny?"

Logan chuckled. "Kitschy. But that's close enough."

Kendall blushed a little then went into the kitchen area to reheat the completely untouched chicken breasts from the night before. Meanwhile, Logan awkwardly stalked around the living room, trying to convince himself that he was in control of his attractions and that the tiny crush he'd had on Kendall wasn't still growing. His eye was caught by the framed photographs that hung on the wall. Some of them were older than others - once he saw feathered hair and bell-bottoms, he knew those pictures went way back - but others were fairly new. One of the somewhat older photos featured what had to be a young Kendall, maybe six or seven years old, donned in full clown makeup, complete with big red nose. He was being held by a woman with a big smile, and Logan knew right away that it had to have been his mother. He looked at Kendall, who was busy in the kitchen, and it amused him to see that this masculine, blue-collar guy that he currently knew was once as playful as he had been in the picture. The reminder that Kendall no longer had his mother, though, sent a chill up Logan's spine.

Next to the clown picture was Kendall's graduation portrait. It was a stunning head shot of the boy dressed in a tuxedo, with his skin unblemished, his hair perfectly combed, and his expression serious and distinguished. Logan found himself staring harder at the picture and longer than he'd wanted to, for Kendall was soon behind him.

"Seems like a lifetime ago," Kendall commented quietly. "But it's only been two years."

Logan nodded, remembering what he'd learned about the trials Kendall had endured since taking that picture.

They sat in the living room and ate silently. Kendall chose to sit in the recliner (If I'm too close, he's gonna get scared and run again), but the whole time they ate, Logan kept taking quick looks at him from across the room. Kendall ate with his head down, and Logan could see that something was different about him today. He's sad because he lives here all alone and I ditched him last night. Duh. But Logan wanted to make up for that, and he was going to.

"So...what exactly do you do at the Autumn Wheat Factory?" he asked, hoping to perk Kendall's mood up a little.

"Uh...well," Kendall began. He didn't want to just tell the truth, that he swept and mopped and kept the factory clean while the real men did the real work, but he didn't want to lie, either. "I maintain the facility," he decided on. "I make sure everything's the way it's supposed to be."

"Wait...you're a supervisor?"

"No!" Kendall denied, laughing at the notion of him supervising anyone. "To be completely honest, I'm basically a janitor. They're startin' to show me how to do some of the other stuff, but for now, I just clean."

"Oh, okay," Logan replied. He couldn't really relate to the concept, but he smiled, satisfied that he'd gotten Kendall to loosen up a bit.

"Where do you work?" Kendall asked, but he quickly thought it stupid of him to do so. Pretty boys like him don't work.

"Nowhere now," Logan answered. "Usually, I work at this science camp in the summer, but...well, as you can see, I'm not doing that this year."

Kendall nodded. "You're real smart, ain't you?" he asked, almost as if he was accusing Logan of some kind of crime.

"Well," Logan pussyfooted, not wanting to be arrogant. "I'm good with numbers," he said. "...and chemical equations, I guess. And historical facts, too...uh...literature, as well."

"Just 'fess up and say you're a nerd!" Kendall tittered.

"I am not a nerd!" Logan playfully refuted. "I'm just...I'm intellectually well-developed, okay? And I have very sensitive feelings!"

They broke into laughter, and Kendall could finally feel himself settling into his own skin and feeling comfortable again. Logan secretly adored the sight of Kendall's bright smile and the sound of his laugh, but he quickly reminded himself that this was just a friend.

"No, seriously," he said, "I think everyone has the ability to be 'smart,' whatever 'smart' is. It's all about who you are and what you're doing."

"Yeah, well, I think you might be sittin' with the only exception to that," Kendall cracked.

"I don't believe that," Logan disagreed, shaking his head.

"It's true!" Kendall insisted. "I mean...I push a mop and a broom around all day...I don't know anything 'bout anything outside of this stupid town."

"That's nonsense! You're what, twenty years old? Twenty-one? You live on your own. You have your own truck, your own home, and you're taking care of yourself. It takes a very smart person to be able to do all of those things."

"I guess."

The discussion came to a standstill, punctuated only by the sounds of them both chewing on their last pieces of chicken. Kendall had completely forgotten about the salad, and it seemed like Logan had, too.

"Besides," Logan found himself adding, though he wasn't sure why, "you were able to take that handsome graduation picture up there, so you must have done something right." 'Handsome' is okay, right? I can say 'handsome' without getting into trouble right? I didn't say 'gorgeous,' though that would have been more accurate...

"Yeah," Kendall conceded. He says I'm handsome. "It's not hard to graduate from Autumn High, though." Handsome.

Kendall took their empty plates and tossed them then washed his hands at the sink, something he figured Logan would appreciate. Logan rose behind him, wrestling with himself over whether or not he should leave now. He didn't want to leave, but he knew if he hung around, he'd just be digging himself a deeper hole

"You probably had plans for this afternoon," he began, standing at the counter as Kendall dried his hands. "I came over and kind of cut into them."

"No, you didn't," Kendall shook his head, letting his eyes meet Logan's. "I'm glad you came back. Honest."

Logan accepted this rebuttal, and he silently made the decision to just stay for the time being.

"I wasn't gonna be doin' anything real big anyway," Kendall continued. "Probably just play guitar...drink a few beers."

"Oh. Wait...beers?"

"Yeah." I probably shouldn't have told him that.

Logan's eyes went wide. "Do you have any idea what beer does to your insides? I mean, your liver, your stomach...never mind the effects it has on your breath and teeth!"

"I only drink one every now and then!" Kendall promised, amused by how adamant Logan was.

"Yeah, well, that's one every now and then too many, okay? I'm doing all of your shopping from now on."

They laughed again, and yep, another flash hit them both. Logan was so beside himself, but the more his mind told him to chill out, the more his heart told him to keep it up. "So, you play guitar?" he asked once their chuckles calmed down.

"Yep," Kendall replied. He started to aimlessly clean the kitchen counter. "But I don't play for nobody, so don't even ask."

"I think I can make you play," Logan teased.

"How?"

"Oh, by just standing here...and asking...please play a song for me?"

Kendall put down the dish rag he'd been cleaning with and looked back at Logan. He waited for the flash to return, and when it did, he gave up. He's too darn cute, like a lil puppy. "All right. I hate you, but all right."

Logan went back to his seat on the couch while Kendall went into his room to get his guitar. While he was opening the case, he could feel his hands shaking again. Was this going well? There was no time for questions, though.

"All right," he said when he returned. "Don't laugh at me if I'm a lil rusty." Without making a big deal about it, he sat on the couch next to Logan, this time not particularly leaving too much space between the two of them. Logan didn't scoot away, either.

"I promise I won't laugh," Logan vowed, though he girlishly giggled a little out of nervousness. "Go ahead."

"All right," Kendall said again, trying to brace himself. Please like this. And he began to play. The rhythm was dark and slow, very depressing-sounding, but it was the only song he'd been practicing lately, and so he sang...

"My life is likened to a bargain store,
And I may have just what you're looking for
If you don't mind the fact that all the merchandise is used,
But with a little mending it could be as good as new."

"Take, for instance, this old broken heart.
If you would just replace the missing parts,
You would be surprised to find how good it really is.
Take it and you never will be sorry that you did."

"The bargain store is open; come inside.
You can easily afford the price.
Love is all you need to purchase all the merchandise,
And I can guarantee you'll be completely satisfied."

Soon after Kendall had started to sing, Logan's whimsical mood had quickly turned into a more somber one...one that was much more ruminative and reflective. He had not expected Kendall's voice to be so crisp and clear...his intonation was spot-on. His words were filled with a conviction that couldn't be faked. The sadness behind each lyric pierced him, and each phrase melted him down until he was just a soft weakling sitting next to a cute green-eyed boy with a guitar.

"That was...beautiful." He gulped on the last word as Kendall slowly strummed the rhythm into silence.

"Thank you," Kendall responded, his heart beating out of his chest and his head held low. Now he's gonna do it...he's gonna get up and leave...I shouldn't have played that song...

"Did you write it yourself?" Logan asked with a shaky voice.

"No," Kendall answered. "It was...uh...it was one of my mama's favorite songs."

"It's beautiful," Logan repeated.

Kendall's breath was getting short, and he knew he had to do something, but what? Turn to this guy was still very much a stranger - though that seemed to be changing - and tell him that he knew the truth? Or just sit there, waiting for the stranger to make the first move? Unsure of what to do and still so terrified of Logan leaving him again, he got up and went back to the recliner, taking his guitar with him and sitting down.

But, of course, Logan didn't want him to move. Why shouldn't he move? Yes, he's lonely and sad, but he doesn't want some heartbroken gay boy to be his only friend this summer.

"I'm sorry," Kendall suddenly said, slowly chipping through the silence. "I know you don't want to hear about that."

"Hear about what?" Logan asked, trying to extinguish any stupid flashes before they came back.

"Me...and my depressin' life," Kendall answered hauntingly. "I know that's why you left last night."

"No," Logan disclaimed. "I left because of my own desperate stupidity. It had nothing to do with you."

Kendall looked up at him, and Logan realized he'd made a mistake. What he'd just said didn't line up at all with the excuse he'd used the night before to leave, and he knew Kendall was smart enough to catch it.

"Look...I'm sorry, okay?" he said, prepared to be called a liar and a loser. "I lied to you last night. I didn't get a message from my parents, and my grandmother was fine."

Kendall didn't say anything. He knew all of this already. He just wanted to know how truthful Logan was going to be.

"That message was from my ex, the one I told you about last night," Logan continued. "She texted me, and...well...I told you already. I'm not completely over her, and...well...yeah."

'She,' Kendall thought. He's still saying 'she.'

"I understand," he forgave. "It's all right." Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Logan didn't go the other way like him. Maybe he'd been wrong all along...maybe this stranger in his living room was just another girl-chasing guy, like the ones he worked with and had gone to school with. Maybe he'd never had a chance at anything at all. Maybe his life was indeed cursed. That "Ethan" he'd seen on Logan's phone could have easily been "Emily" or "Ellen." He didn't really get a good look at it.

"It's not all right," Logan said. "I lied, and I'm sorry. I mean, to be honest, she constantly plays me like a fool anyway, so I don't know why I got my hopes up so high last night." But he doesn't matter anymore. "The point is, though, that I didn't leave because of anything you did or said. I was having a really good time with you last night, Kendall, and...well, I'm having a good time today, too."

A flash.

"Good," Kendall said, but he still didn't completely believe that he hadn't been at least part of the reason why Logan had left. He wasn't stupid, though, and he was even smarter than Logan had given him credit for. He cleared his throat. "What did you say her name was again? Your ex, I mean."

"Oh?" Logan hadn't counted on that question. What did it matter, anyway? "Uh...Lindsey." The name of his former best friend. "Her name is Lindsey."

Right, Kendall thought. Not Ellen. Not Emily. Nothing that starts with an E.

"That's a pretty name," Kendall said, feeling something burgeoning within him. Was it anger? Was he mad that Logan was still lying to him? Or was it excitement?

"Yeah," Logan nodded, feeling gross for lying, but he was still afraid to tell the truth.

"You know...you can forget about her," Kendall said. "If you try, I mean. You might be able to find somebody who can take your mind off her."

"Heh," Logan let out, feeling grosser. "We'll see, whenever I get back to Dallas."

"Why do you have to wait until then?" Kendall asked, a small fire fueling his every word. He was going to make Logan admit the truth. "You don't think you can find somebody here in Autumn?"

Logan shook his head. "I don't think so. I don't think I'll find my type of girl here."

"Maybe you already found your type of person here."

And then the thought flew through Logan's mind. Does he know? "What do you mean?"

"I mean...Autumn is full of surprises. Maybe you already met the person who's gonna take your mind off that other person. Maybe that person's just scared to say somethin' because h-she doesn't know what you're gonna say."

Logan looked Kendall in the eye, and his suspicion got stronger. Is he...talking about himself? Or am I losing my mind?

"Maybe that person should just say something," he replied. "I mean, it's really hard to tell a girl like Lindsey just from the way she looks. You have to really know her to figure out if she's...you know..."

"Special?"

"Yeah. Special."

"Maybe you should just give that somebody some time, then. And maybe they'll say something when the time is right."

"I hope so."

Logan was confused as to where this sudden interest in his love life had come from. It was as if Kendall was taunting him, trying to force himself to admit to being a big ol' queer. But on the other hand...was Kendall trying to tell him something?

Just as he was about to ask, though, his phone rang.

"Hi, Mom," Logan answered. Kendall gently put his guitar down to the ground beside the recliner. As Logan talked to his mother, though, he thought long and hard about what his next move would be. He was so, so ready to just come right out and say it, that he knew exactly what type of guy Logan was and that he was the same type of guy. But was it too soon for that? What would happen afterwards? He wanted to play this just right.

"I have to...uh...go," Logan said as he slowly hung up his phone and put it down. "They're having trouble figuring something out, so I just said I'll go and...figure it out for them. I swear, it's the truth this time."

"I believe you," Kendall said as they both rose and went for the door. He tried to come up with something to say that would ensure another meeting between the two of them, but he didn't know where to begin, but then...

"Hey," Logan began just as he stepped over the threshold. "Are you gonna be busy tomorrow?"

"No, it's Saturday. Why?"

"I don't know...I was thinking that maybe I can come over and show you something new. To cook, I mean. If you're into that sort of thing."

The corners of Kendall's mouth turned up as the final flash of the day very slowly passed through the two of them. "Yeah, I'm into that sort of thing. Come over whenever you feel like it, and I swear I'll be ready for whatever you want to show me."

Logan tentatively smiled back. "All right. I'll think of something tonight and come over tomorrow. See you then."

"See ya."

Kendall stood in the doorway and watched as Logan made his way down the porch steps and back to his car. They waved before he got in and drove away.

What the fuck am I doing? Logan asked himself as he drove. He's straight. Isn't he? He never said he was, though. I only assumed. But he has to be. He has a very sick sense of humor if he is.

Kendall, meanwhile, couldn't stop beaming after closing the front door. He almost would have let out a big "Yee-haw" if he didn't think that would be overdoing it. He picked his guitar up off the floor and began to bang out a fast, rowdy rhythm. For once, he'd gotten a second chance to show someone what he really felt, and he swore on his life that he wasn't gonna mess this up.

Kendall is a mess when he's lacking confidence, but when he's on his A game? When he knows he can get the prize he's after? Nothing can stop him.