Chapter Nine

"I have never known you to be afraid."

Tauriel and Kili sat around the small fire they'd built under the portico with stones and brush gathered from the field. Snow had been falling lightly for a time, leaving a dusting over the ground. But the winds were calm, so it was as though a blanket of quiet was being tossed over the world.

"I am not afraid," she argued.

"Then why not come tonight? Thorin does not wish you ill. He wishes to thank you for all you've done for us."

"And the others? Dain Ironfoot in particular seemed to wish I would jump from the mountain."

Kili winced. "Dain is brash, yes, and at times outright rude. He thought to lead Erebor when it was unclear if Thorin would wake up again. He could have done it, though perhaps not in a way everyone would have liked. He is Thorin's cousin, and a warrior of some renown amongst our people."

"And hatred of elves runs deep in him, I think."

Kili knew it was truth and did not try to refute it. He was angry with Dain for his intractable stance, and wondered if he would counsel Thorin against giving the jewels to Thranduil. He wanted peace, and he didn't want his own people to be an obstacle to getting it.

"It does," he said. "But not everyone feels as he does. Bofur and Oin, they see you as you really are. And Fili. My brother will stand by me, by us, even if he does not understand what we feel. Even Dwalin, who is one of the most stubborn dwarves I've ever known, is starting to come around. And I think Thorin may surprise everyone once he speaks with you. I really do."

Tauriel sighed. Deny it she might, but she knew it made her a coward to delay going to Erebor to face Thorin. But she could not do it tonight, when her trip to Esgaroth had brought unexpected emotions to the surface. And try as she might to push them down, to deny she felt them, the stillness of the night was bringing them back.

"I told myself it did not matter," she said. "I told myself not to think about it, because there were more important things that needed my attention. But now, in the dark…" She drifted off, staring into the flames.

Kili frowned. "What…"

"I saw it today," she said. "Standing on the roof of one of the few structures left standing in Esgaroth, and in the distance I could see Mirkwood." She looked up at him, her eyes luminous and sad. "I tell myself it does not matter. I tell myself that I have enough in my life. But I saw it today, and I was reminded how close I am to the home I can no longer touch. I miss Mirkwood, Kili. I miss my home. And here in the stillness that is harder to forget. I do not want to face Thorin while my thoughts are consumed with Mirkwood. That is why I want to wait."

"Do you want me to go?" Kili asked, thinking that she seemed unbearably sad and lost, and he could think of no way to ease this pain.

"No," she breathed, looking over at him. "I will feel sad from time to time when I think of Mirkwood. I will mourn its loss. But when I am near you, when I look at you, I remember why I left Thranduil's halls to begin with, and I do not regret. That choice brought us together. It gave us a chance to throw daggers and watch the stars together. How could anyone regret that? I want to watch the stars with you for a very long time to come."

She leaned in, kissed his lips lightly, then rested her head on his shoulder. For a time they sat in the quiet of the falling snow, the crackling of their little fire the only sound.

Kili ran his hand up and down her back, drawing absent patterns with his fingertips, offering what little comfort he could. He knew what it felt like to be cut off from one's rightful home, as he had said to Thorin, but truthfully he and Tauriel were at opposite ends of a scale of sorts. He, with his home reclaimed after a lifetime of never laying eyes on it, and she, her home lost after a lifetime within its borders.

The same sort of pain, but at different steps along the journey to peace.

"If you could go anywhere," he began, and knew she was listening even though she did not move, "anywhere in Middle Earth, where would it be?"

Tauriel stared into the flames. "When I thought you were gone I asked myself that very question. Where would I go? I thought of the forests around Ered Luin, or Eryn Vorn. I think Lord Elrond would welcome me at Imladris, or I could have gone to Ithilien, even further away. When I thought you were lost, all I wanted to do was get away."

"I am not sure Elrond would welcome me and my kin back anytime soon," Kili said lightly.

Tauriel lifted her head and looked at him, curiosity edging out the sadness in her eyes. "You have been to Imladris? What could you have done to earn Lord Elrond's displeasure?"

Kili smiled, glad to see her sadness begin to ease. "Dwarves love a good feast," he said. "Songs and dancing and merriment when we can get them. The elves gave us food that night. I seem to recall Bofur climbing on top of a table and playing a tune. Food may have been thrown about, though not in the quantity that we consumed. Oh, and there is the small matter of the bath we all took in one of the larger fountains scattered around."

Tauriel's mouth dropped open. "You bathed in Lord Elrond's fountain?"

Kili nodded, enjoying the memory. "It was a brief bit of revelry in the middle of a very long journey."

"Indeed," was all Tauriel could think to say, but at the same time could not hold back a smile. "I think sometime I would like to hear the entire tale of your journey from the beginning."

"I will tell you," he said. Because all of it, the good and the bad, had brought him to her. And that was a tale worth remembering.

The morning dawned cold but clear. The snow of the previous evening had been light, and the horse Tauriel had borrowed once before was able to maneuver easily across the valley.

Tauriel had dressed in her long winter cloak, her daggers sheathed under the cloak at the small of her back, with a smaller pair tucked into her boots. She did not expect to need them, but she never went anywhere without some sort of weapon.

The trek did not take long, and soon she was approaching the gates of Erebor. She slowed the horse to a stop and hopped down, then ran a hand along the animal's back, over its mane. She told herself not to be nervous and walked slowly toward the ruined gates, where several dwarves either stood guard or finished clearing rubble.

"Thorin Oakenshield is expecting me," she said when she stopped in front of them, but before anyone could answer, a familiar and welcome voice sounded from just inside.

"Tauriel."

Kili came toward her, a smile on his face. He took her hand and kissed the back of it, bringing an answering smile to her own lips. The dwarves around them were quiet, watching, wondering. "Come with me," Kili said.

She had been here only days ago, but she remembered little of the inside of Erebor. Her thoughts at the time had been too consumed with urgency and fear. But now she paid attention as they walked through the halls, and she was awed by the towering size of it. It was a world away from the living caves of Mirkwood, but there was a different kind of power here in the soaring columns and ancient carvings.

Evidence of the dragon's destruction and long occupation was everywhere in crumbled stone and piles of rubble, but there were already signs of rebuilding in the cleared ground and groups of dwarves working and planning. She recognized Dwalin as he carried large stones to a damaged section of wall, and acknowledged Bofur's wave of greeting with a nod. The friendly gesture relaxed her a little, as did a noticeable reduction of the hostility she'd felt the last time she was here.

It was still there, hanging in the air, but it was a little less potent than it had been before. She probably had Kili to thank for that, she thought. She had learned already that he could be relentless when he was fighting for something, and it was one of the things she loved about him.

Instead of taking Tauriel up to the room where she'd healed them before, Kili took her in a different direction. He took her into a vast hall with a solid golden floor that Tauriel could not help but gape at.

"It was not always like this," Kili told her. "Thorin says there was once a giant gold statue of Thror there at the end of the hall, and he and the others melted it down in an attempt to kill the dragon before it left the mountain and came to Lake-town."

"It must have been a very large statue," she murmured.

Up ahead of them, sitting on some rubble between two of the many columns lined up along either side of the golden floor, were Thorin and Fili. They stood as Tauriel and Kili approached, and for several long minutes there was silence in the hall.

Thorin and Tauriel took each other's measure. Tauriel thought Thorin looked weary but strong, pride riding his shoulders as naturally as his cloak. Thorin in turn thought he saw determination and something heavier, maybe grief, behind Tauriel's carefully blank expression.

"I was cruel when you were here before," he began, and when Tauriel opened her mouth to respond he held up his hand to stop her. "I saw your grief on Ravenhill, and I believed if it was real you could be convinced to come here and save my nephews. I knew you would face scorn from many here and I did not care."

"If fear of scorn could stop me from saving the lives of good men, then I would not deserve the gift of healing that was bestowed upon me."

"And still, I was purposefully cruel after all you did for my kin. I said cruel things in an attempt to drive you away."

"You were dying," Tauriel pointed out. "Do you think I hold ill will for anything you said in that room? You were willing to sacrifice your life to save your family. I think as such a few cruel words can be forgiven."

Thorin looked away with a frown and a shake of his head. "I do not understand you," he said. "I have heard even the venerable Elrond of Rivendell express his dislike of dwarves, and yet here you stand claiming that my deliberate cruelty meant nothing to you."

"Perhaps it is because I know what it is to face the reality of losing your family," Tauriel said, and Kili squeezed her hand in silent solidarity, because he knew of what she spoke. "Or perhaps it is simply that when we met I saw something the rest of my kin refused to see."

She looked over at Kili. She had certainly seen something in him that had changed the way she saw the world around her. Would she have dared pit herself against Thranduil if not for her feelings for Kili? Would she have gone after the Orcs if she had not believed they would lead her to Kili? She had long grown weary of Thranduil's insular philosophies, but she did not know if she would have dared take her own path without Kili.

"Whatever our pasts," Thorin said, drawing her out of her thoughts, "whatever animosity exists between our people, I asked you here today because I owe you my thanks. For saving the lives of my nephews, and I am told for saving mine as well."

"I did what I could," she said. "It was not much." There had not been much left in her by the time Thorin collapsed, she remembered. In fact, she could barely remember kneeling over him on the floor in between the two cots. Her strength had been sapped, and her memories of those moments were dark.

"But it seems that it was enough." Thorin stood before her, pride in his stance, and held out his hand. "I thank you for your efforts to save my family."

For reasons she could not entirely explain, her heart beat faster when she reached out and clasped his hand with hers. It felt like a beginning, to be standing in Erebor clasping hands with the King Under the Mountain. This was the world she wanted, with cooperation and respect between their people. She tried to imagine Thranduil standing here in her place and could not. Even the battle-weary Thranduil she'd seen on Ravenhill was probably far too stubborn. But in the moment it was hard not to imagine what peace between the two kingdoms might be like.

When Thorin stepped back Fili held out his hand. "I thank you for protecting my brother when I could not."

Tauriel took his hand but only nodded, her words clogged in her throat. Acceptance after banishment, after rejection, was a very powerful thing, she discovered. "I could not have done otherwise," she managed to say.

"In that vein, I have a favor to ask of you," Thorin said. "A favor that could greatly help my people, but may also put you at some risk."

Tauriel looked over at Kili, then back at Thorin. "What sort of favor?"

Thorin reached behind him and retrieved a small chest, which Tauriel had not noticed before. He held it in front of him and lifted the lid. Tauriel's breath caught, her eyes widening as she looked down at the contents. "The White Gems of Lasgalen," she murmured. "Every elf in Mirkwood has heard of them, but I never thought to lay eyes on them myself."

She reached down and gently lifted an elaborate necklace that sparkled like starlight. After a moment she placed it back on its bed of loose stones and looked at Thorin.

"Opinion is much divided on what should be done with these," Thorin said. He glanced at Kili as he closed the lid of the chest. "There are those who believe that giving this chest to Thranduil will help keep the peace between our people. But there are others who believe that the wrongs done to us by Thranduil over time outweigh any potential for peace."

"I believe he will come back here for these eventually," Tauriel said. "More of your people may come here by then to replenish your armies, but Thranduil is stubborn and persistent. He will come for these, and there will be more fighting, more death."

"If this decision had been posed to me at the outset of this journey, I would have said Thranduil could rot. When he held us prisoner in Mirkwood, he claimed to offer me his help in exchange for these jewels. I turned him down," Thorin said, neglecting to include the insult he had offered to all elves as part of his refusal. "Things have changed now. There has been enough loss here. I want peace, and a chance to rebuild. You know those lands. What I would ask is that you guide my chosen messengers through so that the spell that lies upon the forest does not take hold of them, so that if there are more of those accursed spiders they will not fall prey to them. And so that if they encounter Thranduil's soldiers, they will have a chance to deliver the gems without being harmed."

"Who are your chosen messengers?" Tauriel asked.

"I will send Balin and Dwalin," Thorin replied, thinking of his strongest diplomat and one of his strongest and most loyal fighters.

Kili immediately shook his head. "No," he said. "If anyone is to do this, I will do it, and Fili will come with me." He looked over at his brother, and received a nod in confirmation.

"Kili, the two of you nearly died only days ago," Thorin said.

"So did you," Kili pointed out. "I have been back and forth to Dale more than once since then. We have both helped clear rubble so that we may begin to rebuild this place. Tauriel healed our wounds, and if you wish to send her back Mirkwood, then she is not going without me. We are strong, Thorin." He did not add that part of his insistence came from the fact that only last night he had sat next to her while she spoke of the sadness of missing her homeland. If she was to face the sadness—and the risk—of going back there again, then she would do it with him by her side.

"I would not risk the two of you again so soon," Thorin told him.

"But you would risk her?" Kili pushed. "Only moments ago you were thanking her for saving our lives, and now you are asking her to risk Thranduil's wrath to benefit us all. If she goes, I go."

Tauriel schooled her face into placid lines to keep from showing the pleasure that Kili's defense brought to her.

Thorin frowned at Kili, but had to admit that he was not surprised by his nephew's insistence that he be the one to take the chest to Mirkwood. He looked back at Tauriel. "If I send Fili and Kili with the chest, will you do this for us?" Will you keep them safe? was the question left unspoken.

Tauriel nodded to herself. She thought of Feren and Elros, and the chest of supplies they had brought to her in Dale. "I believe Feren has taken over as captain of the guard," she said, mostly to herself. "If we could make contact with him, I believe he would let us come and go unscathed. But carrying such an offering…we must be cautious. Thranduil has guards watching Mirkwood's borders. We will stay to the fringes; they will alert Feren, who can carry the chest to Thranduil, and there is no reason they should not allow us to leave." As long as they left before Thranduil knew she was there.

She looked at Thorin. "Yes, I will do it." Because whatever risk there was in going back to Mirkwood, there was more risk in keeping the gems from Thranduil. She wished Legolas was still at Mirkwood, because she had no doubt that he would look out for her, but she had to believe that if Feren and Elros held sympathy for her still, then there would be others.

Thorin inhaled deeply and looked at both of his nephews. Young, reckless, but brave and strong and proud. They were why he was doing this, he reminded himself. "Tomorrow we will begin our push for a lasting peace in these lands. We will give Thranduil his precious gems," he said with only a little sneer in his voice, "and we will also honor our word to Bard and the men of Lake-town. They have lost at least as much as we, and we will give them what they need to rebuild. We did not regain our home only to forfeit our honor."

Fili and Kili felt tremendous pride in that moment, and knew that Thorin had fully and completely beaten the dragon sickness that had claimed him.

Tauriel herself felt a strange combination of happiness, anticipation, and fear. She hoped for peace, and believed that returning the gems to Thranduil could help bring it to elves, dwarves, as well as the men of Dale. But fear of returning to Mirkwood lingered at the edges of her emotions. She had to push it back, had to remember what was at stake, she told herself. And to do so all she had to do was look down at Kili.

He smiled up at her, and she was vaguely aware of Thorin and Fili leaving them alone in the echoing quiet of the hall. Tauriel stepped over and sat on a large fallen stone, and Kili came to stand in front of her.

"How much risk are you really taking, going back there?" he asked.

"Peace is worth any risk we might take." She leaned forward and touched her lips to his. "We are making progress already. Thorin would not have walked away just now if he was not beginning to accept the idea of you and I. And if Thorin accepts us, then perhaps more of your people will begin to follow. We are going to give Thranduil what he was ready to go to battle for. And then we will live our lives."