I close the door softly behind Anya and suddenly I feel the weight of everything smothering me. The events of the day, the events of the last year and the year before - the current year, I remind myself. The year I am about to live again. I lean my head against the door and try to take deep, calming breaths, but I feel like an electrical current is running through my body, my body that is so tired. I can't believe where my day started and where it ended up, and I know it's not over. It's never going to BE over. There's a hurricane of emotion within me. I hear harsh breaths gasping through ragged lungs and when I feel Spike's hands on my shoulders I realize that the sounds are coming from me. He pulls me back into his chest, wrapping his arms around me tightly. I turn within the confines of his arms and I can't help but clutch to him, burying my face in his neck, slipping my arms under his duster to wrap around his back, anchoring myself to him and relishing the feel of his strong shoulders, unmindful of our audience in the living room.
"Shh, love. It's okay. I've got you." Spike murmurs in my ear and I am brought back to earth, grounded in the reality of being in his arms when I didn't know if I ever would be again. Somehow I manage to pull my scattered thoughts together, grasping the tenuous strings of my current reality, pulling and tying them together until I can form a coherent thought.
"We've got to get out of here." I whisper so only he can hear. I feel him nod from where his chin is resting atop my head and he briefly squeezes me tighter against him before he releases me.
"Niblet, can you come here for a sec?" Spike gestures for Dawn to join us. I look up to see that all three women are standing in the living room, watching us with mixed emotions on their faces. Dawn hurries over and comes in close. I pry one of my hands away from the solid reality of Spike and reach out to grab Dawn's hand.
"Big sis and I are gonna go for a ride. We'll be back by dawn. Are you going to be ok?" Dawn looks like she wants to protest but when she turns to me her face softens and she nods.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. You'll be back by morning? You promise?"
"Yes, Dawnie." I say. "I promise I'll be here when you wake up. This is all just…"
"Too much. I get it. I'll be ok. I'm just so happy you're back, Buffy. I missed you so much. We all did."
"I know. I just need to get my head together, and Spike and I need to talk about some things."
"Okay. I love you, Buffy." She uses our linked hands to pull me into a hug and I peer over her shoulder to where Willow and Tara are standing in the living room. I release Dawn and take a few steps toward them.
"I know this doesn't make a lot of sense right now… the Spike thing. We're here from two years from now and a lot has happened, a lot has changed. I promise full disclosure once Giles gets here, I just really want to only tell it once."
"Yeah, Buffy, whatever you need. Just… Are you sure about Spike? Are you sure he's what you think he is? I mean, the spell was just on you, there's no way it affected Spike…"
"Yes, Willow. I don't know how, either, but I just know, you know?" I wish I could explain but I don't have time right now. It's too much. I settle for looking hard into Willow's eyes and try to convey the trust of best friendship to her, willing her to let it go, at least for now.
"OK." Willow breathes it out on a heavy sigh and then pulls me into her arms. "I'm just so glad you're back." I pull back and hold both her hands in mine. My gaze travels down to our linked hands and I wish with all my heart that things won't go the same way this time around. The thought brings my eyes up to Tara. She looks shaken and tired and my heart breaks thinking of how often I saw that look on her that year but didn't pay any attention. I release Willow to pull Tara into a hug.
"Take care of her." I whisper in Tara's ear. She nods and whispers back for me to take care of myself. When I release her I turn back to Spike. He's standing in the foyer with his hands shoved deep within the pockets of his duster, trying to look unassuming as he so often had done since he returned with his soul. I can't help but stare at him in disbelief over the fact that we are here. I suspect I'm going to have to pay for this, but despite my deep resentment of the PTB, there is no one else to thank for this…blessing. I feel more tears prickling my eyes but I shove them back. He looks up at me from under his lashes, cobalt blue shining deeply into my heart. He must see something he likes in my expression, because he pulls himself up taller, and gives me a cocky little smile and that look. The one that makes me melt.
"Let's go." I take his hand and we walk out the door and into the night.
Buffy's staring out over the ocean, eyes taking in the expanse of black that seems to stretch endlessly along the horizon. I'm still hovering by where I parked the bike on the sand, wondering and marveling about the way she's acting. The way she stood up for me, the way she grabbed my hand when we left, as if we were just any bird & bloke heading out for the evening. The feel of her arms clutching me as we sped down the freeway, resting her head on my back.
"What's it like living forever?"
Her voice is so solemn. It startles me from my reminiscence. Her question seems so heavy that my first instinct is to evade. I'm not qualified to answer that.
"No one lives forever. We all meet our end at some point."
Buffy sighs, but goes on. "I never let myself think about living forever. I think… I mean, everyone fantasizes about it, but I wouldn't ever let myself go there. I knew my life would never be close to a full human-scale lifetime. Any thoughts I might have had about living forever were about if I was somehow turned. It would have been a curse. But when I found out, it still felt like a curse."
I feel a strange combination of hope and dread blossom in my heart. "After you found out what?"
"That I could live forever."
I'm stumped. I know I must be gaping like a fish but I can't decide if she's loony, if I didn't understand what she said, or if she's telling the truth. Finally I manage to say something.
"What happened to you, Buffy?"