A/N: This is it folks, last chapter. I hope you enjoyed the read.
Forest Fires
Chapter 4
"... you were so distant," Blaine breathes quietly as soon as he has helped Kurt up and they have both separately spend some time in the bathroom, using the toilet, brushing teeth, washing faces, changing clothes, drinking a glass or two of water. Comfort after all is more than the right person by your side. First and foremost it is you by your side. But happiness is often something ... someone ... more.
They are soon curled up under the covers again, on the bed this time, "Right after it happened ..., you were so distant."
Kurt does not have to ask what, he knows, New York, the alley way. He nods into Blaine's chest.
"Why wouldn't you let me in?" Blaine thinks ultimately it had everything to do with them breaking up. So he has to ask, has to try and figure this out. He sucks his lower lip, shaking now into his mouth, bites down on it hard for a moment, "It made me feel like you did not trust me, like you did not need me either. And I ... I was hurting too, I needed you, and I needed you to let me in, to let me know that you do trust me. You were always there when I needed to talk about my family or Cooper, Sadie Hawkins, but you would not let me do the same for you anymore all of a sudden. It was always so different after we got back together. ... you never talk to me anymore about your mom, Kurt. I need us to talk to each other. I don't want ... I can't stand us literally growing apart more and more every day, I can't take that anymore. If you really want us to try this again ... I need you to open up to me. I want us to be US not some cheap knock-off of what once was. I want to be happy with you, not the boy from years ago. I get that you have changed. And I want you, as you are now. Why can't you trust that ... that I will always want you?"
"I've been talking to someone," Kurt brings out.
"Not good enough Kurt, I need us to be talking to each other."
"No! Blaine, wait, I didn't mean I don't want to talk to you," Kurt is quick to rush out. His mind feeling for the first time his own again since he had lost all resemblance of control last night right before calling Blaine ... over and over. He is so sick of them misunderstanding each other. "I mean, I've ..., I've been seeing a therapist."
"Oh," the beat of silence is followed by a whisper, "Me too."
"What about?" Kurt asks in a whisper.
Blaine huffs out a small piece of breath. 'What about? ... Nothing.' "... Everything. Me. Us." Blaine swallows hard, next words caught in his throat. "How much I love you. How ... how I can't stop ... . Why did you want to stop trying? Why did you want us to stop? Stop being ... us?"
Kurt props himself up on his elbows, hand reaching to wipe away Blaine's tears, as he lies beneath Kurt, eyes pressed shut tightly, energy in the room slowly shifting, and then all of a sudden as Kurt says, "I never wanted us to stop. I didn't know how to tell you that ... that I was scared."
"Of what?" Blaine whispers, eyes still closed as Kurt keeps caressing his cheeks.
"Of not being enough for you. Of disappointing you. I ... I started looking for fights, picking fights with you because ... because, everything was going so well, and I was so scared of screwing up. Waiting for that moment, having to live like that, with that constant fear, I ... it made me crazy. I felt sick to my stomach all the time, and I couldn't ... I can't keep you safe. I never did."
"What are you talking about?" Blaine's eyes are suddenly open wide, meeting Kurt's, holding, searching.
"That alley ... being ... getting ... it took me weeks to understand."
"Understand what?" Blaine asks, hand holding Kurt's now, still resting on his cheek.
"I will lose you one day."
"Not for a long time. I will do my best to keep it as far off as I can. I stopped with the cronuts."
And Kurt lets out an actual snort then, at the playful tone in Blaine's voice, teasing, a teasing which turns into a tearing ... and new sobs.
"I don't want us to pick fights with each other anymore," Blaine says softly.
"I think I did most of the picking there," Kurt admits, amidst sobs, voice still shaking.
"Fine. I want you to stop trying to rip us apart just in order to have a reason to glue us back together. You know if this was a story it would be really shitty storytelling."
Kurt is the one to snort again and even hiccup a laugh then. "And how do we stop that?"
"How about we challenge each other to do new things together, learn new skills, keep something there for us to learn with and about each other?" Blaine suggests, eyebrows raised.
"And if that doesn't work?"
Blaine is quick to answer, not wanting Kurt to spiral into one of his lows again, the inevitable panic attack, "Remember when you were about to finish high school, and I was so scared of losing you I went all psycho on you ... like you did on me in New York when we broke up?"
Kurt nods, swallowing hard, unsure where Blaine is going, starring at him blankly as he asks "... what did we do?"
Blaine cannot help but smile at Kurt's clueless gazing, eyes wide, and lips slightly parted, and Blaine has to hold back from devouring those lips, the breathy gasps he knows they hold, "We talked to each other."
"That's it?" Kurt asks, looking even more confused now, and slightly angry, upset.
"Well, we had someone help us talk to each other. And I think with some coaching we could learn to do that with and for each other."
It clicks in Kurt's head then, the talks with their guidance counsellor, Miss Pillsbury.
Kurt is sucking in a sharp breath as Blaine shifts his weight, their position, and rests their foreheads together as Kurt is lying back on the bed, they soon breathing together, "You really think we can make it happen?"
"I know I will always love you enough to never want to stop trying." Blaine draws back then, fixes his eyes firmly on Kurt's, and his voice is serious but soft, withdrawn but sad as he adds, "Unless you want me to. I don't want to, but I will walk away right here and now if you say you are happier with ... with someone else, if you want us to stop fighting for each other. To be us. Kurt, I think it will always be somewhat of a fight. I really want us to fight for us though and not against each other. I want you to let me in and help you overcome these panic attacks. I want us to let your family in on it too, what ... how you are hurting. I know your dad is dying to help. I have seen him around town several times, and the way he talks to me ... he knows. He knows things aren't right or okay. And I promise I will stop being so uptight about things, but also I think we should just adjust and just double some stuff in our apartment, keep it separate, like those silly towels. So we don't get at each other all the time over nothing, just because we have different habits. Because, I honestly love you and your habits. I remember us getting first together, and discovering all those little things you do different, and how adorable and endearing I found the way you cut your sandwiches different from me. And how your clothes must be in perfect order, but you love leaving somewhat of a chaos of papers on your desk, and the thing with the towels. And I don't really mind any of it. I don't want you to change for me. I want us to grow together into something new. Like, you know, ... your dad and you when you get back together, I bet you still ..."
But Blaine is cut off by Kurt's demanding kiss. Once broken Kurt allows no new doubt to creep in, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, Blaine. Yes. Please. I want all of that with you. Please come back to New York with me, next year. Please. I want to try. Please. We'll get a place with proper walls, and each of us their space. A room each so we can choose to be together, not be forced into it."
Blaine is beaming as he pulls Kurt fully into his arms, burying his face in the crook of Kurt's neck, tears mixing with kisses on Kurt's skin. Kurt holds on tighter than he thinks he ever has.
When they come downstairs later, lips red and kiss swollen, the table is set for two, a note propped up against a carton of juice, "Fighting is normal and healthy. You'll learn how to work through the fights faster in time. Happy newest anniversary. How many of those do you guys have by now? Better make a list. Don't want to get into a fight over something like that. Love you boys, Dad. P.S.: Carole says hi too!"
Kurt leans over and places a kiss on Blaine's cheek, who turns and looking up from the note still in his hands smiles at Kurt, free hand reaching down and lacing with Kurt's whispers, "I love your dad. We really better make that list."
"I know," Kurt says through a smile, "After breakfast, ... and a nap?"
"On the living room couch?" Blaine quips happily.
"Your favourite spot in the house," Kurt beams. Happy to be reminded that they know and love each other far more and far better than most couples ever get the chance to in all of their lives.