Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Fullmetal Alchemist nor do I claim to.
Chapter 11
Envy stretched and tried to roll over on his stomach, before realizing he couldn't. He groaned and rubbed his eyes, trying to focus them on the uncomfortably heavy object sprawled over him.
He was a little startled until he remembered he had fallen asleep with Edward on the couch, and the blonde was snoozing away with no regard for just how freaking heavy he was on top of poor Envy. His automail arm was draped right over Envy's chest with his head rested on his belly, making it a little difficult to breathe.
Envy wanted so badly to just move him, but he couldn't. He looked far too peaceful and actually quite attractive, minus the drool on the corner of his mouth.
He touched Edward's forehead, smoothing his bangs away from his face. The other had fallen asleep with his ponytail still in, so it was all messed up and ratted now behind his head.
Envy felt really lucky to be here with Edward right now. He loved him so much. He most certainly did not deserve forgiveness, he knew this, but he would take what he could get. He knew it would take time for Edward to fully trust him again. Envy was willing to do anything for Edward, and he would have to figure out some way to make up for the time they lost over the past year.
Edward murmured something in his sleep, catching Envy's attention. He must have been dreaming.
"M'sorry, Noah..." He exhaled harshly, scrunching up his face. Envy's face turned sour. He was dreaming about that stupid girl?
Promptly, Envy shoved at Edward, sending the blonde flying off the couch and on to the floor with a loud THUD.
Edward flailed, eyes snapping open instantly as he jumped to his feet. He went to clap his hands together, prepared for a fight, but nothing happened.
Envy sat upright on the couch and was glaring at Edward until he saw firsthand that he was clearly no longer able to use alchemy.
"Damnit, Envy!" Edward growled, brushing himself off once he realized he was in no danger. "Old habits die hard, I guess." He sighed.
Envy's brows knitted together sadly. "I heard you had lost your alchemy, but I didn't believe it until now." He eyed Edward's automail arm, remembering how he would transmute it into a sharp little blade and try to stab him with it. Good times.
"Yeah." Edward sighed and sat down on the coffee table near where Envy was on the couch. "I gave it up to bring Al back. It worked alright." A small smile played at his lips.
"I'd like to see the tin-can in his real body. I have no clue what he even looks like." Envy shrugged thoughtfully.
"A lot like us." Edward said, causing Envy to frown. Us? Why did he have to put it that way? "Only his face is softer, he's got shorter hair than me now and it's almost brown instead of blonde. He took more after Mom." Edward was reminiscing.
Envy didn't look impressed. "I see."
They were supposed to go visit Izumi today. Knowing Teacher, Edward was sure she was worried about Envy if he was indeed staying with her. But first, he needed some quality time with Envy to get to know him again.
Edward glanced over at Envy. He looked rather bored. The look on his face was familiar to Edward, it was very much an Envy look, but just on the wrong face.
No, he had to quit thinking like that. Edward internally scolded himself. This was the real Envy. There was no going back. He struggled to push the lingering image of the brackish-haired androgynous boy from his mind. It was fake. This was really Envy all along, underneath it all.
He swallowed hard as he inspected Envy's face. It was hard to stop staring. He just looked so different.
Envy felt Edward's eyes on him, and it made him feel shy. He glared at Edward. Damn him for making Envy feel uncomfortable. He wanted nothing more than to just be able to shift and hide himself once again. He felt like this body was the fake skin, and his old body was his real one. He hated this feeling of being exposed and vulnerable in a skin he didn't acknowledge as his own. Damn it all.
Edward knew he was making Envy upset by staring, but he couldn't help it. He wanted to take in every detail of Envy, memorize every line and angle of his face. He had to relearn him.
He reached out with his flesh hand and touched Envy's arm, feeling the curve of his bicep. It made Envy flinch.
"May I?" Edward asked politely. Envy scowled at him. What is he playing at?
When Envy said nothing, he took that as invitation. Edward ran his fingertips over Envy's skin. It was still soft, but the muscle beneath made him harder and his arms were bigger than they were before. Everything about him was more masculine.
Envy wasn't sure what to think about this.
Edward slid next to Envy on the couch, their hips touching. His eyes lingered on Envy's lips. They looked different, too. They were thinner and paler, not as full as they were before. They didn't look quite as kissable as they once did.
Envy really wished he would quit fucking staring at him like an idiot. It was starting to get on his nerves, and he let out a long sigh through his nose.
"Sorry." Edward said, eyes meeting Envy's own. He knew he was acting weird, and probably making Envy very uncomfortable. He just had to take this slowly.
Envy did not feel confident at all. Before he would have already kissed Edward and pinned him against the couch to dominate him, but he just couldn't bring himself to do that now. He didn't feel sexy, or attractive in any way.
Edward felt Envy's hesitation, and he put his hands on the other's waist, feeling Envy's outline beneath his clothing. It didn't feel the same as before when he held him. This was harder than he thought it was going to be. He had remembered Envy a certain way in his mind, and now all that was gone.
As Edward felt Envy's body, the former-homunculus closed his eyes. Edward's touch felt so nice, he just wanted to melt into his arms. But there was something off about the way he was touching him. It was almost as if Edward really wasn't into it. Envy's chest grew tight as the realization set in that Edward might not be sexually attracted to him anymore. That was his worst fear.
Edward finally inched closer to where their lips were nearly brushing. He felt Envy's warm breath on his face, just before their mouths connected. Closing his eyes, Edward kissed Envy softly. As he smelled and tasted him, the familiarity came back to him. Envy still tasted like peppermint with a hint of chocolate.
Edward sighed into the kiss which became more passionate. Envy was kissing him back, and their bodies were soon pressed together.
In Edward's mind, he pictured Envy as he was before. His long flowing hair, the almost feminine body shape and soft face he had when they met. Striking, reptilian violet eyes that looked right into his soul. He was turning himself on, and he soon felt stirring in his jeans.
Edward ran his fingers through Envy's hair. It was shorter than before, but still just as soft and straight as he remembered.
Envy's heart swelled as the passion increased in their kiss. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Edward just needed a minute to remember him.
Edward pulled away from the kiss to breathe. His heart rate was increased and his breath came out in small puffs. Envy's face was flushed, and his eyes were glazed with desire. Edward stared at Envy, but his face did not match the image he had in his mind.
Familiar pain gripped Edward's heart as he still felt the longing which had plagued him for over a year. But Envy was right here with him, why did he still feel this way?
Envy noticed something was wrong with Edward. "What's the matter?" He asked quietly, his voice catching in his throat. It was hard to get out. He was afraid of the answer.
The disappointment was evident in Edward's eyes. "I don't know if I can do this." He replied reluctantly. He didn't understand why this was happening. He loved Envy, he knew he did. But there was something wrong. It didn't feel the same with Envy's new body.
Edward looked away. He felt ashamed of himself. Why was his body betraying him like this?
Envy stared in disbelief at the side of Edward's face. "You said you loved me." His lip trembled as he spoke. His heart was threatening to break at any moment, depending on what kind of response Edward gave him.
"I do love you." His eyes slid back to meet Envy's own. Edward's eyes were sincere. He bit his lip as Envy gave him a heart-broken look. "I don't know what's wrong with me." He shook his head in frustration.
Envy knew. He was ugly, and Edward didn't want him anymore. He began to silently cry as tears leaked from his big, pain-filled eyes. He was ugly and he couldn't do a God damned thing about it. The Pipsqueak was just too nice to tell him the truth.
He'd never felt so trapped in his entire long life. He was trapped in his own skin.
Edward felt guilty, and regretful. And even worse, Envy was crying now. He felt like such an asshole. How could he long for something that was never real in the first place?
"I just need more time." Edward said, though he wasn't sure how true that was. If he wasn't physically attracted to Envy now, would he ever be?
Envy looked unsure. He didn't want to rush Edward. He knew it was a lot to take in. He wiped his face with his sleeve, but his eyes were still red and puffy. It was obvious he had been crying.
"Take as much time as you need, Edo." Envy whispered. He wanted to kiss Edward again so badly, but he stopped himself. The last thing he wanted was for Edward to shy away from his touch. That would be too much for him to take.
Lust began to worry about Envy. He'd been gone for several days, and all he left for was to buy groceries.
Perhaps he'd found Edward after all.
Sighing, as much as she wished for that, she didn't want to be left alone. She decided to follow his scent to find out where he'd gone. It was still the same, at least, even after he changed into a human.
She was led to the store, but no sign of Envy. His scent led down the road further quite a ways until she it stopped at a strange house outside of town. She read the sign out front. Curtis.
Lust frowned, trying to remember where she'd heard that name before, when the front door opened as Lust stood on the sidewalk outside of the fence.
It was Izumi. She stood with a broom in hand and a stance that showed she was in the middle of something.
"You must be the homunculus Lust." She observed.
"I am. I know Envy has been here. Where is he now?" She went right to the point.
Izumi smiled. "He went to find Edward."
Lust's eyes widened. So it was true. That's why he hadn't returned.
"You are welcome to stay here. He told me he's been with you all this time since he became human."
He must have told her everything. What would make Envy trust this woman so much?
"Is he coming back?" Lust asked.
"I'm not sure. I expect Edward will show up at some point at least looking for answers, with or without Envy." Izumi shrugged. She knew they were going to do what they wanted, but her door was always open to them.
Lust wasn't sure what to think. Should she stay here and wait for him to come back, or find him on her own? He might be angry if she showed up and Edward was there with him.
She pondered for several moments before finally coming to a decision.
"I promise to not be a burden to you or your family."
Izumi laughed. "Oh, no worries dear. My door is always open." It was the truth, too. She didn't turn anyone away, not even a homunculus. Though, she had a feeling if Lust was taking care of Envy this entire time that she had likely changed her ways also.
"If Teacher already knows about us, maybe we should go to her for advice." Edward suggested, taking Envy's hand in his and holding it.
Envy squeezed Edward's hand gently and nodded. He was willing to try anything.
Things had been a little awkward between him and Edward since he returned. Envy loved him with every part of his being, but he wasn't so sure Edward felt the same anymore, regardless of what the other said.
They began the journey to Izumi's home, though the minute they got out into public Edward took his hand away. Envy walked sadly beside him with his shoulders slumped. Edward really didn't want anyone to know, that was becoming clearer every minute.
Edward rasped his knuckles on the old wooden door to the Curtis residence, and almost immediately Izumi answered the door.
"Edward! Envy! Welcome. There's a visitor here who'd like to see you both." She hummed, ushering them both inside.
Edward groaned but did not protest, while Envy was apprehensive.
Lust sat in the dining room with a cup of tea placed before her that hadn't been touched. Izumi must have been trying to be courteous, but Lust could not consume human food as much as she'd like to.
Her face lit up when she saw Envy.
"Lust!" Envy exclaimed, and rushed over to hug her. "The fuck are you doing here?"
His self-esteem issues were momentarily forgotten, and he was his old self again.
Edward was surprised at the sudden change of attitude Envy had. Was it because of him that he was acting so insecure?
"I came to find you. I was worried." Lust admitted as she picked through his hair which had begun to tangle.
Envy batted at her hands. "I can take care of myself." He pouted.
"Yeah right." She smiled at him, then turned her gaze to Edward and nodded politely.
Edward nodded back, still not sure how to react. Lust was completely different from the last time he saw her. She was obviously still a homunculus, but she had changed too in her own way.
"Okay kids. So how'd it go." Izumi sat and looked at Envy and Edward expectantly. She wanted to hear everything.
Envy's demeanor instantly changed and he looked at the floor. Edward felt a strong pang of guilt in his stomach, and Izumi tutted.
"Edward, what did you do?" She scolded him.
"I didn't do anything!" He whined. "I just..." He looked over at Lust. He hadn't expected her to be here for this conversation. He felt a little self-conscious about everything.
Lust averted her eyes. She felt Edward's discomfort, so she stood and dismissed herself from the room.
Envy seemed sad to see her go, and his gold-purple orbs followed her all the way out the door until she disappeared around the corner.
"Edward. Tell me what happened." Izumi's voice was stern. "Envy here came to see if you would forgive him, and I can tell he cares for you a great deal."
Edward nodded. He knew that. "I wanted... to see if you could give us some advice." She admitted.
"Oh?" Her interest was piqued. "On what?"
A deep crimson color flushed over Edward's face as he struggled to find the words.
Envy simply sat and looked at a spot on the floor. He really didn't want to be a part of this conversation.
"I g-guess, r-relationship advice." Edward finally spit out.
"What's the problem?" Izumi folded her arms.
Edward's heart raced. He was embarrassed to admit it, and he didn't want to hurt Envy any more than he already had, but he had to do something. He didn't understand his own emotions.
"Well?" She pressed.
Edward glanced at Envy. He had to be honest if he was going to get help.
"His body is so... different. I'm not used to it. Every time I look at him I picture the way he used to look. I'm having trouble feeling attracted to him this way." He admitted. His voice was wavering slightly.
Envy squeezed his eyes shut. This what was he was afraid of.
"I miss his old body."
Izumi frowned, and Envy made a small pained noise.
This wasn't going very well so far.
"How do you think I feel?" Envy nearly shouted, causing Edward to shrink into his seat a little more.
"I know it must be even harder on you. That's why I thought maybe Teacher could help..." Edward said quietly.
"Sometimes roleplaying can help. Envy, have you tried dressing up the way you used to? Edward might like it." She suggested, causing Edward to blanch in embarrassment. Envy on the other hand, looked intrigued.
Envy imagined dressing in his favorite skimpy outfit. Maybe he could even get a wig? He hadn't thought of that before. Dressing like a normal person didn't really suit him, anyway.
Edward covered his face with his hands and talked into them, causing his voice to become muffled. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation right now."
"I want to try it." Envy said.
"Edward?" Izumi called to Edward who was still hiding his face.
He peeked through two of his fingers. "I guess it's worth a shot."
"You know Edward, relationships aren't all just based on sex. You love Envy, don't you?" Izumi asked bluntly.
Edward's hands dropped to his lap and he looked determined. "Of course I do! I love him more than anything." He nearly shouted.
Envy's heart skipped a beat.
"Then that's all you need to know! You can always figure out the rest. Bodies change. Maybe not as much as Envy's has, but you have to learn to deal with what life throws at you! That's what true love is." Izumi clenched her fist in the air for effect.
Envy's eyes sparkled as he imagined dressing in the clothes he wanted, instead of trying to blend in like he had for the last year. Maybe he couldn't change his body, but he could try to feel pretty again. Maybe Edward would want him then?
Edward's face still hadn't returned to a normal color, but he nodded in agreement. Teacher was right. He was being selfish. Envy was trying his best for him. It was time for Edward to do his best for Envy too.
"You boys can stay for dinner if you like." Izumi said as she stood. She felt as though her work was done here, at least for now.
Edward and Envy looked at each other. There were things they had to do now, but both their stomachs had other ideas. They growled loudly in protest.
Maybe dinner would be a good idea.