Why me? – part 2

It's our fourth month of being partners, and I think I'm going insane. He's driving me crazy. Sometimes I catch him staring at me with a soft smile when I complain about something. He remembers what drinks or snacks I like, and he treats me to them every now and then without any reason. Normally, I hate it if somebody treats me like I can't do anything alone, but why do I feel flattered when he holds the door open for me?

And I'm jealous, too. I watch him to see if he treats anyone else like this. I want it to be reserved for me, but I tell myself that he's just a nice guy. He would do this for anyone, and I'm only fooling myself. A man as gentle as him wouldn't be interested in a spitfire like me. I force myself to look away from him before he catches my eyes again. What he must think of me. I'm dying to know, but I'm afraid to find out.

"Are you listening?" His voice is so patient, but it tears through my thoughts, forcing me to focus only on him. I have no idea what he had said, but I follow his hand in the direction that he's pointing. The curtain in one of the windows swayed as if it had just been moved, and he's getting out of the car. "I'll go first."

Before I can object, he opens the door. I know that he is going first because he wants to protect me from dangerous situations. He does it sometimes. Every time he has the chance to do so. It annoys me to no end, but at the same time, it flatters me. It lets me hope that he sees something special in me. But more important right now is that I get going, too. I don't expect anything to happen, but I'm responsible for providing Sangeen with backup if he needs some.

I'm running, chasing him across the street while sticking to the shadows, and he's already ducking beneath the windows next to the door. The curtain moves again, and I am face to face with the assailant. There's a short distance between us. I am still on the sidewalk, and I think I can get away with this. If I just start walking naturally, he won't realize that I'm an agent, but that would leave my partner without cover. My eyes dart to Sangeen. The man's gaze follows mine, and I realize my mistake instantly.

The pure shock I feel about giving my partner away is clearly visible on my face as Sangeen's eyes widen. He presses himself against the wall, but it is too late; the man has seen him. Without any hesitation that guy pulls open the window and shouts at us. He leans out the window so far that I think he may fall, but he somehow manages to keep his balance.

The action is so sudden and illogical that I am uncertain how to react. The man isn't trying to escape. He has made himself completely vulnerable, but his shouts confuse me more than his actions. They're so entangled with laughter that I can't distinguish the words. He's excited that we have caught him. No, that he has caught us. He yanks a rifle out of the room and props the butt of it against his shoulder, and I can finally see the reason that he is dangling out the window. The barrel of the gun is too long to maneuver around the sharp corner from within the room. He needed to make the shot.

"Sangeen!" Panic filled my voice, and I involuntarily took a step forward. He had to take cover and… Perhaps I shouldn't have shouted out as the guy now glares at me.

His weapon swings around to face me, and even if I run, I don't have a chance. There's no where to take cover. The man's laughing. I can see the smirk on his face as he aims, and I close me eyes, bracing myself for the impact as the shot fires. I flinch, retracting from the sound alone, but I feel nothing. Did he miss? My eyes burst open. Sangeen's hand is clenching the barrel of the gun, pulling it toward himself as he catches the assailant's wrist, and in one fluid motion, he flings the man to the ground.

For a split second I stare before I sprint over to Sangeen's side and kick the gun away. Sangeen is in control over the situation so I only need to help him bit in keeping that guy down so my partner is able to put hand cuffs around his wrists. The man is still wiggling and shouting, occasionally laughing in an almost maniacal way, even though he is lying on the floor face down. It is only after I made a call to organize backup that I see the drips of red on the concrete.

My heart is crashing, and I don't know what to do. All of the training slips from my mind, and there is only the blood flowing from Sangeen. I don't know why I am so panicked. The cut is shallow, and the enemy is subdued. There is nothing left to fear, but my hands are shaking. I am biting my lip. Sangeen looks up at me, and I can tell that he is confused at once. He misunderstands my reaction, and his voice is cool and calm. "I'm sorry I let it get so far. I should have acted before he turned the gun on you."

I want to shake him, scream at him. How can he think that this is why I stare at him? The only reason I don't do it is that I am still frozen. The fear of loosing him leaves me trembling. The recognition how damn close it had been and that it had been my fault leaves me near tears. It hurts. I open my mouth to tell him how sorry I am, but I hear steps approaching. Some police men in uniform are standing behind me. I didn't notice them until now, but they had to be near when they got the call to help us to arrive this fast.

I can't do this. I feel myself shutting down, and I turn on my heels before anyone can stop me. I don't know where I'm going. I just can't be here right now. Sangeen leaves the man with the police and calls after me. I don't turn back. I can't. I'm too angry and too afraid. His hand catches my shoulder, forcing me to stop, and I can hardly look at him. His face is so worried, and he doesn't know what to say. He just stares at me as the lights form the police cars glow in his eyes. They cast everything in shades of red and blue. His hand slides down my arm, and I look away.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes again. "I should have made sure that he wasn't anywhere near the window before advancing. I endangered you. You have all rights to be angry with me." He looks so lost and remorseful as I glance up. I feel something inside me snap. I should tell him that I am the one who should apologize and that he is not at fault. But I can see him holding his arm, red tinting his fingers, and fury brushes away reasoning.

"You think I would forgive you?!" I'm screaming, and he's surprised. I'm surprised, too, but I'm too upset to care. "You idiot! I gave your position away! What kind of man apologizes for that?"

"I-I'm sorry?" He's searching for something to say that would calm me, and I can see that he has no idea why I'm reacting like this. His confusion only irritates me more. He actually believes he's the one at fault.

"You're stupid! How can you apologize? I almost got you killed and…" My voice breaks, and I throw up my hands in a helpless, aggressive gesture.

"No," he says soothingly.

He's trying to comfort me, I know. Attempting to bring me down. I should concentrate on the sound, let him have his way, but so many thoughts are sweeping through my head that I can barely hear the words. He shows me a smile as if that alone would make everything okay. I almost believe him, but the blood on his arm catches my eye. I did that to him. He could have been killed because of my mistake.

"No," he says again. The smile still plastered to his face. "This is my fault. Don't worry about it. I'd do it again to protect you."

I could kill him. "What makes you think I want your protection? You think I want you to get hurt because of me? You're such an idiot! You don't get anything, do you?!"

His eyes are wide, filled with light and confusion. I'm screaming again, and he hasn't once lost his temper with me. Instead, he only shakes his head. "I don't understand why you're upset."

"Because I love you, you idiot!" I'm the idiot. My hands fly to my face. It's the only thing I can think of to hide my embarrassment. My cheeks are burning in shame.

His fingers twist around my wrist, ripping my hands away, as he moves forward with such force that I recoil, and his arm wraps around my waist, keeping me from falling backward. His other hand curves behind my neck and into my hair. I'm trapped against his chest. I can't breathe. I don't know what to do so I just close my eyes as his lips touch mine.

Somewhere deep inside me, I know that I should stop this. Until I said it out loud I didn't even know what I felt for Sangeen, and now he kissed me. And I enjoyed it. I wish he would never let go of me. But I also feel more scared with every passing instance. He holds so much influence on me as it was, but how would this turn out if I allow this to drag on? I must have leaned away from him subconsciously, because he lets go of me instantly. He looks at me with confusion and concern, warily assessing my reaction. I am confused. Sure, I am scared. Even though I know that he is a respectable man, I fear to be abandoned again like my other partner did with me. In the same moment I want to be near him, I already miss his arm around my waist. For the first time in my life I don't know what to do.

"I shouldn't have done that." He says, and I don't say anything. I can see the turmoil in his expression. The desire and the fear. His gaze shifts from me to the ground and back again. "You're my partner. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you."

[-] [-] [-]

Two days passed, and I haven't seen Sangeen.

I hold my breath as I knock on his apartment door. I must seem desperate, but I think I can pass it off as concern. He is my partner. It would be normal for me to worry if he has been hurt. I try to think of something clever to say as the lock turns in the door, but nothing comes to mind. I'm not sure if I can act naturally, if I can pretend that nothing ever happened between us. I'm not smooth like him. I can't just brush it away with a smile. I'm brash and loud, but when I see his face in the open doorway, I lose my nerve. I want to run, but I stand speechless before him.

"What do you want?" He asks after a few seconds of silence. He leans heavily against the doorframe effectively keeping me out. Dark circles pool under his eyes, and the shade on chin and cheeks hint that he hadn't shaved since the last time we saw each other. He looks worse than I had thought he would. For a moment my heart flutters in panic. Was he more injured that I thought? No, I had heard what the paramedic had said. Only a slight wound, no permanent damage. But why does he look so ragged? I notice that I'm staring as he shifts under my gaze.

"I wanted to make sure that you are all right. You didn't answer my calls." I'm proud that my voice isn't shaking. And I almost managed to keep the hurt and accusation out of my tone.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He answers, but his voice isn't as soft as I'm used to. Everything about him is distant. He doesn't seem like the same man at all, and I'm taken aback. Sangeen's never like this. He's never like my old partners. I feel as though I'm intruding. He doesn't want me here, and I'm embarrassed that I came.

"Alright. That's all I wanted to know." My gaze falls to the ground, and when I look back up, I see the gentle expression that's so often on his face. At once, his eyes harden, and I know it is time to leave.

I turn around and walk away from the door. Silently I pray for him to stop me, to call me back. I would even be content with him saying that the kiss was a mistake, and we should forget about it. It would hurt, but I would know what's going on. This is far worse. I don't know what I did wrong, and I have to be at fault; I always am. I bit my lip to refrain from crying, and my resolve fails me once I reach the car.

[-] [-] [-]

I can see their knowing glances from here. I can't read their lips, but I can imagine the rumors that are flowing through them. Someone must have found out what had happened between Sangeen and me. Either the kiss or how I had showed up at his home. Either situation would spread quickly through gossip, and it must have reached the ears of the boss. There was no other reason for him to call us here.

Sangeen is across the sitting area, waiting in the chair next to the window. He's gazing outside and hasn't once tried to look at me. I can do nothing but stare at him. I should look away before someone notices my behavior, but the boss calls us into the office before I have the chance. Sangeen catches my eyes as he stands and immediately looks beyond me toward the boss.

It hurts, but I don't say anything. I don't try to react in any way since I can feel the eyes on my back. The boss waits until we close the door and sit down on the other side of his desk. He looks at us, and I meet his gaze questioning. His face falls, disappointment showing, but it's not directed at me to my surprise.

"You didn't tell her?" The boss glares at Sangeen before searching for my eyes again. "He has asked for a new partner."

I don't react. I don't know how I managed it. The world is crashing down around me, but I somehow keep my calm. Or maybe I am in shock? I can't feel anything. My boss is waiting for me to say something, but I'm not sure what he wants. I'm in disbelief. I know things between Sangeen and me were bad, but I didn't see this coming. I feel blindsided and breathless. A lump rises in my throat, and I swallow so that I can find my voice. "Why?"

"That's a very good question, Yonsu. You two work well together, I haven't heard any complaints of anybody about your behavior. Even I am astonished by how fast and efficient you work as team."

I never imagined that we had been a perfect team until two days ago. That was a relief. But it let me wonder even more why Sangeen decided that I wasn't bearable any more. He cleared his voice before answering the boss. "I would rather not discuss it here, please."

"What? I don't have the right to know?" I spit out the words like poison, and I can see him flinch.

"Yonsu," the boss says my name in that soothing voice that tells you in a nice way to calm down and behave yourself. It wouldn't have worked, but I am so furious and hurt that I can't get the words out anyway. "I wouldn't accept such a proposal even under normal circumstances, but you actually asked to be paired with her so explain yourself. What has changed?"

I spin to face Sangeen, but he's looking away from me. I swear I could hit him, but I just grab his arm and force him to meet my eyes. "You planned this? You asked to be my partner just so you could request someone else? Is that it?"

"It's not that." His voice is tentative, and I can't imagine why he's blushing. His cheeks flush a darker shade of red, and he steps out of my reach. I let go of his arm immediately. "I accept full responsibility."

"I don't want an apology. I want an answer." The boss is unimpressed. He's almost as surprised by the dissolution of our partnership as I am, and he won't let the issue go any more than I would. "I asked if you were certain when you first requested her."

I see Sangeen fighting and squirming. The last months were enough time to get to know him, he is considering his chances to refuse talking further. "I know I did. It was a mistake."

"Mistake?" I know I am screaming, but I don't mind. Instead I use this opportunity to vent my anger even though it may cause problems later. "Being my partner was a mistake? Good that you noticed this early! Before I trusted you and before I fell in love with you!"

"That's the problem." His voice rose slightly for the first time that I can remember. "As long as it was one sided, I thought I could handle it, but I never meant to do this to you."

"Sangeen," our boss covers his face with his hand, and they share a look that I don't understand, "you didn't..."

"I'm sorry." Sangeen says again. His eyes burn into mine. "I never meant to manipulate you."

I slap him. Hard. "You are an idiot! Do you think I'm so meager that I don't know what I want? You think I can be swept off my feet with just some nice words?" I try to glare at him, but I feel my eyes burning with tears instead. He hurt me so deeply, but I can't hate him even though I try. He is staring at me wide-eyed, guilt evident on his face as his hand touches the already reddening mark on his cheek. How dare he look so miserable?

"Yonsu!" The boss' voice is sharp and quick. I shouldn't have slapped him in front of the man. Now he has grounds to separate us, and there is nothing I could do to stop it. I press my lips, quickening into an attention position, but he's not looking at me. His eyes are on my partner. "Sangeen, I am declining your request. Changing partners to solve a lover's spat is ill use of this office. This was your choice from the beginning. You will have to deal with the consequences of your decision, however unusual they may be. Do you understand?"

I glanced at the boss. He won't separate us? My mind is in turmoil. Am I happy that I got more time with Sangeen even though it is forced? Or am I devastated to have him near, but can never dream of him looking at me with those gentle grey eyes again? It's a mixture of both, and I will need more than these few seconds that Sangeen's shocked silence provided to figure out what will get the upper hand. "But… but it was… I don't want her to be hurt any more. It's for the best."

"Yeah, you don't want me to get hurt?" It's sarcastic, but I say it with half a smile. "Then why don't you be honest with me?"

"That's a good idea. She doesn't understand your reasoning, and neither do I. So would you please be so kind to explain?" Even the boss is loosing his patience with Sangeen. As I look at him shortly, I see him massaging his temple with an almost exhausted look on his face. But it's not interesting, so I switch back to Sangeen.

"I lost control." His eyes stare into the floor, and if he could, I'm sure that he would have melted into it. "As long as it was just me, I could handle it, but when she said that she felt the same way I did, I couldn't stop myself. That's why."

"So you loved me and wanted to be my partner because of that. But as I started to like you, you retreat? You're not making sense!" I'm proud that my voice is only slightly above normal level, and I keep reasonably calm. Even though my hands tremble and I want to shout and argue, even slapping Sangeen again sounds good at the moment, I do my best to be composed. This is important. I can blunder any other day, but I feel like I only have this one try to make it right, to make Sangeen smile at me again.

"It's just... we're partners. There are rules as long as we're on the same team-"

"Sangeen, I don't know what you're talking about." I touch his cheek where I had slapped him before, and I can feel his skin shiver under my fingertips. I glance over at the boss. I don't know what he thinks of me, but I know that he likes Sangeen. It's worth a shot. "The department doesn't know anything about us, right? Who's going to tell them?"

Sangeen's eyes shift over to the boss as well. I hold my breath as the man slowly shakes his head. "You two get out of here. I don't have any time to keep track of employee relationships, and I don't want to find out."

That was enough of an hint to know that our boss just kicked us out of his office. I don't spare any more time than necessary to bid my goodbye to the older man before I left the room. Sangeen follows me, but he seems to be in a daze. "Where do we head from here?" My voice shook him out of staring at the ground and finally our eyes met again.

"Maybe we should start over?" He walks over to the vending machine and buys us both a drink. Turning back to me, he holds out one of the cans. "I hope we can work well together."

I take it with half a smile. "I hate this flavor."

He grins back at me. "I know."