Two weeks had passed since Justin had had the ingenious idea to sign onto the IM as Ethan. After a couple of delays, no doubt engineered to give Ethan time to work on his suddenly untalkative ex-boyfriend, aka, the troll, the day of the hearing had come. Justin wanted desperately to accompany Brian to the proceedings. So motivated by this desire (as well as the desire to be 'normal' again), he had started listening to CDs containing cognitive behavioral therapy sessions for social anxiety disorder. Brian had been skeptical about their efficacy, but then, he would have been skeptical even if Justin had actually gone to a therapist. Brian had always believed that psychology was a pseudoscience, a crutch for the weak.
However, since meeting Justin, he'd somewhat revised his position. He by no means considered Justin weak; every day, he saw how hard Justin tried to rein in his anxiety and panic in all manner of social situations, from coming to meet Brian at the diner that first night and interacting with Brian's family and friends at their dinner party to simply speaking with a stranger on the phone. And Brian began to understand, in a way he never could have understood before, how debilitating fear and anxiety could be. He already knew, first hand, how paralyzing loved ones' disparaging words were. Fortunately, he had managed to build his ego on something no one could deny, not even those who abhorred him, that is, his looks, his sexual prowess, and his skill in advertising. Justin, on the other hand, had not based his self-esteem on something no one could undercut. So when everyone in Justin's life had betrayed and abandoned him, running as far and as fast as they could, he was left only with Ethan, who constantly criticized him, and his self-esteem had plunged and eventually vanished. He'd managed to build some back up through his success in writing, but he knew that most other writers would scoff at his work, his success, so that new self-esteem was minimal. As far as everything else, he'd come to the conclusion that he was completely unfit for normal relationships. He expected no one to give a shit about him and those who professed to, to betray and abandon him in the end.
That, of course, was before Justin had met Brian. Brian had given Justin hope, hope that maybe he wasn't destined to spend his life unloved and alone, hope that maybe he could overcome his social anxiety. He wasn't sure he could, but God Brian made him want to try…to try again…to try harder. He would give anything to be 'normal' for Brian, to be able to go out to dinner with him…to be able to go to the grocery store instead of asking Brian to go or having a store employee deliver the items he needed. He wanted to actually go inside the diner…visit Brian at work…accompany him to family dinners at Debbie's house…be a real boyfriend to Brian.
So Justin had spent hours combing the Internet until he'd found something that might work. He knew he could never go to weekly therapy sessions, particularly not group sessions. But he'd found a set of CDs that was supposed to be the next best thing. Every week he would listen to an hour-long "therapy session" in which one or more techniques was described. He would then need to spend the next week practicing these techniques. According to the ad, Justin could begin using these techniques immediately to reduce his anxiety in social situations, and, as time passed, he would find himself more and more capable of them. The first week's session had actually given him three techniques to work on: slow talking, telling his brain to stop when he started thinking negative thoughts, and distraction. Slow talking was supposed to calm him when he was forced to speak to people he did not know or in uncomfortable situations, as well as to give him time to think about what he was saying as he said it, thereby allowing him to present his thoughts in a more logical manner. Telling his brain to stop when engaged in self-disparaging negativity loops, on the other hand, was supposed to render these loops less automatic. Distraction was really part of telling his brain to stop. Once he recognized that he was engaged in a self-disparaging negativity loop, he was supposed to say stop and then do something pleasurable, something that would prevent him from having more negative thoughts. Brian had been very helpful on the distraction front. Justin was amazed at just how quickly Brian could get 'in the mood.' Brian could be deeply engrossed in work and, a few seconds later, after just one word from Justin, be hard and on top of Justin, ready to fuck the evening away. Oddly enough, singing was supposed to be the best distraction, since a different part of the brain was active when singing than when speaking or thinking. So this was the distraction Justin used when Brian wasn't at the loft with him or Brian was asleep.
It was 7am. Brian and Justin were supposed to be at court at 9am. Brian was still sleeping, but Justin was already dressed. He was singing along to Korn's remake of "Word Up" while making breakfast and reorganizing the cupboards. He'd been attempting to stave off negative thoughts since waking at 5am (chores were another distraction on the list in the workbook that had come with his CDs).
Snatches of Justin's singing started seeping into Brian's dream, eventually bringing him to wakefulness.
"Yo pretty ladies around the world…Tell your brother, your sister and your mamma too…You know just what to do. Wave your hands in the air like you don't care. Glide by the people as they start to look and stare. Do your dance, do your dance, do your dance quick mamma…"
Brian was walking into the kitchen as Justin reached this part: "Now all you sucker DJs who think you're fly. There's got to be a reason and we know the reason why. You try to put on those airs and act real cool. But you got to realize that you're acting like a fool."
Justin was singing and bobbing his head as he flipped eggs (in a suit). Brian's eyes widened. He had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing.
Then Linkin Park-Jay-Z's collaboration "99 Problems/One Step Closer" came on the radio. Justin continued to bob his head, but now he sang, "If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one…"
Brian walked up behind Justin and kissed his neck (he had to do something…it was becoming almost impossible to stop himself from laughing, but he knew that would have a detrimental effect on Justin. Clearly Justin was working hard to distract himself from negative thoughts.)
Justin greeted him merrily, "Morning. I hope you're hungry."
Brian's eyes widened. Justin must be even more nervous about the hearing than Brian had anticipated. Justin was cooking eggs, home fries, bacon, and toast; had squeezed oranges for orange juice; and, judging by the smell emanating from the oven, was baking blueberry muffins. When Brian reached into the cupboard that used to hold the glasses, he found bowls. "Been doing some rearranging, Sunshine?"
Justin sang, "Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low…" and then replied cheerfully, "Much more convenient this way."
Then he was singing again: "I ain't stepping out of shit…all my papers legit…"