Welcome to the second and final chapter. There's a bit of jumping povs and jumping through time but it was necessary to cover everything that I wanted to.
Ch. 2 The Heart Can Heal
(FITZ)
I ring the bell at the Martin-Edwards house and Clare's stepbrother Jake answers the door. Clare and I have been hanging out for two months; I guess you could say that we're dating although I haven't actually asked her on a date yet. We've just been spending a lot of time together, she comes to my apartment for dinner or she comes on my day off and we take the twins out. She even babysat once when Mrs. Pierce got sick. Jayson and Starr love her, I make sure they know their mom but they've become very attached to Clare.
"Hey Fitz shell be right down," Jake tells me.
"Thanks," I grin.
The reactions even to me and Clare just hanging out have been many and quite varied. I expected Eli to have a bad reaction, and he did, I also thought Adam would flip. Actually Adam's been more accepting than anyone, at first he wasn't too sure about the whole thing but Clare invited him to dinner at my apartment. He came over saw the apartment, met Jayson and Starr and watched Clare and I, since then he's been happy that Clare and I have each other. Owen and Bianca were happy and I've reconnected with them, Drew's been happy for us too. Clare's family has been less accepting, not that they hate me or anything but they've been leery I guess of my spending so much time with Clare. Not that I blame them after all I was a school bully and went to juvie I even stalked Clare a little. Then I fell in love and got married really young and I'm a single dad with 4 month old twins, if I was Clare's family I'd be leery of me too.
"Hi Mark," Clare smiles coming down the stairs, "bye Jake I'll call if I need a ride."
"You look nice," I grin when we're in my car and Clare smiles. I'm picking her up straight from work so I'm still dressed for it. The twins are at the church daycare since they're old enough to attend now. She tells me about school that day while on the way to the church, I park and we go in. I introduce Clare to the staff and we get the twins, and their stuff, into the car. Jayson sleeps all the way home while Starr babbles all the way home, she and Clare actually have an engaging conversation, of course nothing Starr says is actually a word but it sounds pretty close. When we get back to the apartment I pick up Jayson's carrier and Clare gets Starr's, she also gets one of the diaper bags. It's a lot easier to do this with two people because balancing two diaper bags on your shoulders, two babies in carriers in your hands and trying to punch elevator buttons and unlock doors is a tricky task. I'm pretty good at it now but it's still nice to have the help.
"I'll feed them dinner, you can change and relax a bit or shower. I'll watch them and you can take a nice long shower," Clare offers when we're in my apartment.
"Are you trying to tell me something?" I tease her.
"No you smell very nice but I know you almost never get to take long showers because you're usually here alone, and listening to the baby monitors. With me here you can take a long shower because I can watch Jayson and Starr, they are very comfortable with me now and they like me so you can relax," Clare assures me and I smile wide. I'm so happy I almost kiss her out of instinct but manage to refrain.
"Thanks, a long shower sounds great. You know where everything is?" I ask her.
"It's not my first time here; I have watched them for an entire day once. Go shower, we'll be just fine," Clare says to me and then picks up Starr from her carrier. Starr smiles and grips Clare's top and curling her fingers in Clare's curls. "We'll be just fine won't we Starr? We'll have a nice dinner with Jayson while Daddy relaxes," Clare says to Starr and my gorgeous daughter babbles back happily in response.
"Be good for Clare, both of you. I'll be out in a bit," I smile kissing Starr's head and walking back to my bedroom.
I grin at the picture of my wife hanging on the wall near the window. It was the first picture I ever took of Meghan; I took it with my phone right outside of church. She's laughing and the sun is behind her, it gives her an angelic glow, a sort of halo behind her hair. To this day it's one of my favorite pictures of her. After she died a few of the people at church had the picture enlarged and framed for the service. I took it home and hung it in that spot; I wake up to it every morning and blow her a kiss, and do the same every night before bed.
"I miss you Meghan, every day I feel your loss and I still love you so much. You're the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes and of course our beautiful kids. I see more of you in them every day. My love for you will never die Meghan but my feeling for Clare grow deeper every day, I'm so happy when I'm with her, when I think about her. I wish you could have met her; you really would have liked her," I say to my wife's portrait and blow her a kiss before going into the shower.
I stay in the shower until the water turns cold, since becoming a single father my showers, meals and sleep have become short and grabbing them when I can. It feels really good to be able to stay in the shower and not be listening to a baby monitor. I even take my time getting dried off and dressed, when I come out to the living room clean and dressed Clare is feeding Jayson and Starr. She's sitting between their two high chairs and taking turns feeding them. They're both smiling and half covered in their food, which they always are.
"Aaablll maman bloo," Starr babbles happily when she sees me.
"I completely agree Starr Clare is very good with you both and she should be around more often," I grin and Clare smiles.
I sit down and help Clare finish feeding the twins and then we bathe them and give them a bottle before putting them to bed. I turn on the baby monitor and we go out to the kitchen, Clare helps me make dinner and then we sit down to eat.
"Starr and Jayson are really great; I can't believe how big they've gotten in the last couple of months. They grow so fast and Starr will be talking pretty soon," Clare gushes over my kids as we're eating.
"Yeah she never stops cooing and babbling, why do I get the feeling she'll be one of these teenage girls that can never stop talking," I laugh.
"Yeah I think once she can start talking with real words you'll never hear the end of it. But you know I think you'll be thrilled and you'll never get tired of it because her voice will remind me of Meghan," Clare comments and I smile.
"Yeah, it's amazing how much I miss her and still love her but how much of her I see in Jayson and Starr," I reply with a sad fond smile thinking about Meghan. We're silent for a few minutes, just eating and enjoying each other's company. "So are you going to prom in a couple of weeks?"
"I thought I'd skip it this year, last year was a disaster and besides I really don't have a great track record with dances at DeGrassi," Clare remarks.
"Well if you really aren't going would you like to go out with me that night? On an actual date away from the apartment and the twins, we've been spending a lot of time together as friends which has been incredible but I would like to take you out."
Clare bites her lip, blushing just slightly and looking down at her hand holding her fork, "I'd love that."
(CLARE)
I look in the mirror futzing with my hair and checking my makeup for the fourth time since getting dressed. I've never been so nervous for a date, not even my very first date ever with K.C. or my first date with Eli made me this nervous. I don't primp this much when I'm just going to hang out with Fitz but tonight is different it's a date, a real date not just hanging out at the apartment or taking the kids out. And he didn't blackmail me into this date either. I'm really excited for this date, I really like Fitz and my feelings have been getting stronger the more time I spend with him.
I picked out a navy blue knee length dress with thick strap sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. It has an empire waist and a white sash with long ends. I'm bringing a white sweater, in case the evening turns cold, and white flats. I'm of course wearing my cross, abstinence ring and silver earrings shaped like flowers.
When the doorbell rings I practically fly down the stairs. Jake's at prom and Mom and Glen are out so no one's here to let Fitz in. Alli and Jenna couldn't believe I wasn't going to prom, neither could Jake but I'll be much happier on a nice date with Fitz than at a prom trying to avoid Eli.
"You look amazing," Fitz grins when I open the door.
"Thanks you look very handsome," I grin kissing his cheek. He's wearing black slacks and a short sleeve button up dark green shirt that's untucked.
Fitz offers me his arm and we go to his car, he opens the door for me and we get in. Fitz drives us down to a restaurant overlooking Woodbine Park. Fitz talks about Jayson and Starr over dinner, it's all we talk about but I don't mind I like seeing the proud dad in him. He gets such a joyful inflection in his voice when talking about his kids, even when he's talking about them crying all night or being stressed out because of them. He pays for dinner and then we go walking through the park holding hands and watching the sunset. We don't talk much but we don't need to we're happy to be together. We sit under a tree to watch the last of the sunset and then look at the stars, Fitz puts his arm around me and I lean against him looking at the stars. I feel so good with him, so relaxed and cared for, I love being with Fitz and just possibly I could fall in love with him. As much as he likes being with me I'm not sure he feels the same way.
"Mark," I venture turning to look at him.
"Mmmhmm?" He asks looking down at me.
"I know how much you miss Meghan, how much you were in love with her and how much you always be. I'd never want to take that from you or diminish it in anyway but I really like you, I care about you and I'm always happy when I'm with you. I really want to have a relationship with but only if you're ready, I know it hasn't been that long since you lost Meghan and I'll understand if you're not ready yet. I'm not going anywhere and I'll wait until you are ready," I tell him Fitz smiles and brushes the back of his fingers across my cheeks.
"Things like that are why you are such an amazing person Clare. I do love Meghan and I always will, she'll always have a special place in my heart and I'll treasure our time together forever. She's with God now and she's watching me and Jayson and Starr, she wants us to be happy and we're happy with you. I'm especially happy with you and the kids love you and I would like to be with you Clare as more than just friends," Fitz grins and cups my face to give me a tender kiss.
It's a kiss of passion and happiness and excitement of a new relationship. We continue kissing for several minutes and only pull away for need of air. We watch the stars a short time longer before getting up and walking slowly back to the car. Fitz drives me home, walking me to the door and giving me a soft but passionate kiss at my door.
"I can come over tomorrow when I get up if you'd like," I tell him keeping my arms around his neck because I don't want him to go.
"I'd like that, I'll see you in the morning girlfriend," Fitz grins giving me another kiss.
I wave to Fitz before going upstairs, I say hi to Mom and Glen and go upstairs. I start getting ready for bed and Fitz calls when he's home, we talk for just a few minutes while he gets the kids ready for bed. I say goodnight, finish getting ready for bed and fall asleep happy, happy thinking about Fitz! Can you believe it?
(FITZ)
I wake to Jayson pulling at the bedspread, it's only 4am and they are never awake this early. It's probably the day; a day that should be very joyous is and will always be tainted with sadness. It's both the twin's birthday and the day I lost my wife. One year ago today I was blessed with the amazing gift of Jayson and Starr and my wife was taken from me, my first true love and if not the only great love of my life one of the most amazing.
I pick Jayson up and set him on the bed, he crawls around a bit lying next to me and I smile at him. Having them makes the loss of Meghan a little easier. My wonderful kids and Clare too, we've been together seven months now and I'm deeply in love. I haven't told her yet but I know it. As much as I know it today is hard, it's only four hours into the day and I already feel a weight on my chest, a hollowness and heaviness surrounds me because Meghan isn't here. The twins are a year old today and Meghan's been gone for a year. It's hard to believe it's been a year, I never thought I'd make it a day without her, I was living only for Jayson and Starr but now it's been a year.
"Come on let's go see if your sister's up and we'll have breakfast. You're birthday party isn't until Saturday but we should probably do something to celebrate the fact that you guys are a year old today," I comment walking into their room.
"Daddy," Jayson says loud enough it wakes up his sister.
"Yes Buddy it's your birthday you know."
"Daddy sleepy," Starr complains.
"Sorry Baby Girl you want to go back to sleep?"
"No want up," she says reaching out her arms.
I pick her up and balance one baby on each hip taking them out to the living room where I set them down. As soon as they could crawl Clare and Adam helped me baby proof the apartment. Starr lies on the floor and Jayson sits in front of the toy chest pulling out toys. I make them a snack and give them some juice while I put on coffee for myself. I'd like to say I was strong for my kids and kept a smile on my face talking only of their birthday all day. As soon as the kids are eating and I've poured myself some coffee I sit on the sofa I burst into tears. I lean over propping my elbows on my legs and letting my head fall into my hands. Jayson and Starr stop eating and come over to me, Jayson walks he started walking two months ago. Starr walks a couple of steps and crawls the rest, she began talking first. She said Dada at six months but she only started walking a month ago.
"Daddy why cry?" Jayson asks.
"Daddy don't be sad," Starr says as they climb on the sofa and hug me.
"I'm sad because I miss Mommy, I love your mommy very much and I miss her a lot but especially today."
"We love Mommy," Starr tells me.
"I know you do, why don't we watch the video of her," I suggest and they cheer.
I get up and turn on the DVD player putting in the movie of Meghan, it's a lot of pictures, and all the bits of video I have of her put together with music. One of the guys at church did it for me after she died, along with the many pictures it's all we have of her and the only way Jayson and Starr have to know their mother. We watch the movie, which is an hour long, three times and then my phone rings.
"Morning Clare," I answer but without the usual cheer in my voice.
"Hi I didn't wake you up did I?"
"No Jayson woke me up at four."
"I know today's a hard day, I can come over if you'd like and help with the twins. And help you honor Meghan and the twin's birthday. Of course if you'd rather not see me today I'll understand," Clare says.
"No I want to see you and I'll definitely need your help today, we haven't even eaten yet can you come over now?"
"I'll bring breakfast," she replies and hangs up.
I smile and set down the phone, hugging my kids close as we watch their mom on the screen. Clare arrives a short time later; she has breakfast from The Dot and we sit at the table to eat. Clare suggests we do some of Meghan's favorite things today to honor her and we can have cake and ice cream to celebrate Jayson and Starr's birthday. We're having a party at the rec room of the church on Saturday; most of the kids from their preschool will be there, along with many people from church as well as Clare and Adam. I like the idea of doing things Meghan liked to do so I mention going to church to pray, walking through the sand at the beach and dancing under the stars.
After breakfast Clare cleans up while I get dressed and then we both get the kids dressed and ready. We go to the church and say a prayer for Meghan, then we drive down to the beach. Clare holds Jayson and I hold Starr while we walk along the beach and dip our feet in the water. I spend the whole walk talking about Meghan, how much I miss her and everything I loved about her. We walk all the way down the beach and back again.
"Daddy hungry," Starr says when we're walking back to the car.
"Me too we should get lunch did Meghan have a favorite restaurant?" Clare asks.
"She always liked Swiss Chalet," I reply and Clare smiles.
"Great I love Swiss Chalet," she says.
We walk back to the car and I drive into the nearest Swiss Chalet to eat. We talk about what to do after lunch since it won't be dark for several hours. Clare suggests we take the kids to the park, pick some wild flowers and take them to Meghan's grave. I think it's a great idea so after we eat we go to Jimmie Simpson park, we let Jayson and Starr run around and play for a while, we chase them and dig with them in the sand. Then we go into the field and let the kids pick some flowers, we put them together in a bouquet and Clare holds them as I drive to the cemetery where Meghan is buried. I park near her grave and we walk to it.
"Fwowers Mommy," Jayson says taking the flowers from Clare and setting the flowers on front of the headstone.
Everyone at church helped pay for the headstone, it's simple and elegant. Pink granite and an angel with outstretched wings is carved on the top. Under that is a small oval picture of Meghan. The inscription reads A caring and beautiful soul taken too soon. Taken back to God after giving the gift of two beautiful children. They asked me what I wanted on the headstone but at the time I was too overcome with grief to even think about it so our pastor chose, I think he did a good job.
"Love you so lots Mommy," Starr says and kisses the headstone.
I watch my daughter do this and my eyes fill with tears as my heart breaks. All they have of their mom is a few pictures and videos; the closest they can come to touching her is touching her headstone. I feel Meghan's loss every day but at least I got to know her, to hold her and touch her and talk to her. Jayson and Starr will never have that privilege. There's a permanent hole and emptiness in me left by Meghan's death but I know why it's there. I'm sure Jayson and Starr have the same emptiness and the same hole but do they understand why it's there?
I turn away to wipe my eyes, but Clare grabs my arm.
"Don't turn away, if you're sad then cry but don't turn away. You loved Meghan, you still do and always will you should be sad but let them see it. They already know you're sad so let them see it," Clare encourages.
"I'm glad you're here, I don't think I could have made it today without you. I know Jayson and Starr appreciate it too and I know Meghan does too," I smile and kiss her cheek and she grins.
"Does Mommy love us in Heaven?" Starr asks.
"Yes Starr your Mommy loves you always and she watches you and Jayson and Daddy from Heaven," Clare tells her and I smile. Not just what she says but the how she says it, her kind and nurturing nature.
"And you Clare, Mommy watches you too," Starr adds.
"That's right Starr Mommy watches Clare too," I grin picking Starr up in my arms and kissing my daughter.
"Clare loves us like Mommy?" Jayson asks walking over to her and holding his arms up to say he wants to be picked up.
Clare grins and picks up Jayson kissing his cheek, "Yes I do, I love you and Starr very much. Should we say a prayer for your Mommy?"
"Yes," Jason nods grabbing my shirt and pulling me closer to them, "pray Daddy."
I smile and hold Clare's hand, she holds Jayson and I hold Starr and I say a prayer for Meghan. Jayson and Starr blow kisses and I say my own silent prayer and tell Meghan I love her before we leave. We go back to the apartment for dinner but I stop at the store for cake and ice cream. We all eat dinner around the table, Clare watches the movie of Meghan with us before we have cake and ice cream, I don't light candles but we do sing Happy Birthday to them. By the end of dessert Starr and Jayson are wearing more cake and ice cream than they've eaten. Clare and I give them a bath and get them ready for bed then clean the kitchen.
"You know it's dark outside now, we could put Jayson and Starr into their stroller and go dance under the stars. It won't be the same as dancing with Meghan but I hope I'm okay," Clare comments.
"I'm sure you'll be great, we better get their jackets," I reply.
We bundle the kids up, we only go down to the little courtyard of the apartment building. I park the stroller and hold my hands out to Clare, we dance under the stars and I look up at them. Maybe it's the moonlight, or the stars, or the day we've had but I swear I see Meghan looking down on us and smiling.
"You know I think Meghan sent you to us, I think she made sure we'd be in the park together that day," I remark.
"I think she did," Clare smiles.
After a couple of dances we stop and go back upstairs, it's time for the kids to go to bed so we put them down. Clare stays with me in the living room, listening as I talk about Meghan for the hundredth time that day. Clare just smiles and listens to me, her hand rubbing my arm in a comforting way any time I sound sad.
"Well it's after ten and I really need to get home since I should go to school tomorrow. Thanks for letting me spend the day with you and honor Meghan I was honored," Clare says as she gets ready to leave.
"We were happy to have you, I needed you today so did Starr and Jayson," I smile and give her a soft kiss. She says goodnight and leaves the apartment, I start to get ready for bed but I my door opens and Starr comes in. "Baby Girl what are you doing up?"
"Thinking about Mommy," she replies as I pick her up and sit on my bed with her in my lap.
"Yeah I know me too; it's good to think about Mommy it keeps her alive in our hearts."
"What do Mommys do?" Starr asks with a yawn.
"A lot of things but the most important is loving their children," I respond.
"You love us Daddy," she says.
"Yes I do very much, so very much," I grin.
"Clare loves us," Starr reminds me.
"Yes she does, Clare loves you and Jayson very much just like Daddy."
"Does Daddy love Clare?"
"Yes I do love Clare," I grin.
"Does Clare love Daddy?"
"I don't know, let's call her and find out," I reply and grab my phone.
"Mark is everything okay?" Clare answers.
"Yeah everything's fine I just wanted to call and tell you that I love you. I love you Clare and I wanted to tell you all day but it just didn't seem like it would be right. I do though I love you," I tell her.
"I love you too Mark," Clare says and I can hear the smile on her lips.
"Yay Clare loves Daddy!" Starr claps. "Can Clare be our Earth Mommy?"
"Earth Mommy?" I ask and hear Clare giggle.
"Mommy is Heaven Mommy and Clare Earth Mommy," Starr explains and I smile.
"Maybe one day but for now she loves us and that's what's important," I tell Starr.
"Okay," Starr yawns and makes herself comfortable in my bed.
"I should have told you sooner I don't know why I waited," I tell Clare.
"It's okay I was afraid to tell you too, afraid that you would think it was too soon or realize you could never love again after Meghan," Clare says.
"Meghan wants me to be happy, she wants Starr and Jayson to be happy and you make us happy. When I was with Meghan I thought I was lucky to have her love and was sure I'd never find another love like that. Nothing will replace or take away from what Meghan and I had but I know I love you and I know I'm happy with you."
"I know I love you too and I'm excited to see what our future together holds."
"Me too," I grin sitting back on the bed and rubbing my sleeping daughters back, "me too. I know it will be great as long as we're all together."