Brian had finished his 'persona' lecture and Justin had been musing (sort of happily, hopefully) for a couple of minutes (while Brian ran his fingers gently through Justin's hair) when the ring of Brian's cell phone cut through the tranquil silence, jarring both men out of their respective meditative states. Justin jumped up and then watched Brian intently as the older man sat up and reached for his phone.
They were both on edge. One sex tape was still floating around in the world, and they had just half a day to discover its whereabouts before Daphne made good on her threats.
Brian closed his eyes for a moment and focused all his attention on counting.
1. Meeting Justin online
GOOD
2. Meeting Justin in person
GOOD
3. Justin's agreeing to be Brian's boyfriend
GOOD
4. Justin's leaving early their first night
BAD
5. Justin's having an "Ethan"
BAD
6. Justin's willingness to get rid of the aforementioned Ethan
GOOD
7. Ethan's cruelty upon Justin's leaving
BAD
8. Ethan's stealing Justin's money
BAD
9. Brian's getting it back
GOOD
10. The revelation that Ethan had been secretly taping Justin
BAD
11. The revelation that Ethan had sold these tapes
BAD BAD (Brian figured this counted as two bad things.)
12. The revelation that Ethan had been cheating on Justin
BAD
13. The assault charge
BAD
14. Justin's being arrested for breaking and entering
BAD
15. Justin's B&E charge's being dismissed
GOOD
16. Getting the troll to flip
GOOD
17. Being acquitted of assault
GOOD
18. Justin's discovery that he had a daughter
GOOD
19. Justin's realization that Daphne had written him off
BAD
20. Daphne's threats
BAD BAD (Brian figured this counted as two bad things.)
21. Getting back the first tape
GOOD
22. Learning from Daphne how many sex tapes there were
GOOD
23. Getting back the rest of the tapes (except one)
GOOD
24. Justin's progress with his "people problem"
GOOD
GOOD = 13 Bad = 13
Brian cursed silently. This situation could go either way. The universe didn't "owe" Brian a good turn.
You might wonder what the hell Brian was doing. Quite simply, he was tallying the good and the bad events that had transpired since Brian and Justin had met to anticipate what would come next. Brian had started doing this when he was a child. He'd heard somewhere that people had an equal mix of good and bad luck. So every day, he would do a tally. In fact, he did it twice a day. Once while walking home from school and once at night around the time his father usually came home from work or the bar. Tallies like this gave him comfort, made him feel safe. If enough terrible things had befell him before the tallies, he stopped being scared.
For the after school tally, if he was "owed" something good, he stopped being afraid that his mother would force him to kneel for hours on end while she read from the Bible and berated him for all his shortcomings. He'd allow himself to hope that she was at church or at Bible study.
For the night tally, if he was "owed" something good, he'd stop being scared that his father would drag him out of bed and beat him bloody over whatever ridiculous thing had caught Jack's eye (the lawn's needing to be mowed, a football left on the stairs, a light's having been left on, etc.). He'd fall asleep allowing himself to believe that Jack was too drunk to even climb the stairs and pass out on the couch or that Jack wouldn't come home at all.
Truthfully, the tally didn't really matter. Often, Brian ended up with much more bad in a day than good. But the tally allowed Brian to feel safe … even if only for ten minutes a day.
Brian hadn't done such a tally in a LONG, LONG time. But he'd made a promise to Justin, and he was terrified he wouldn't be able to keep that promise. Brian couldn't stand the thought of Justin's looking at him the way he had the other night, like Brian was a failure. Like Brian was a well-meaning person but ultimately someone Justin couldn't count on.
Unfortunately, the tally had not gone in Brian's favor. So he clenched his jaw and his left hand before answering the phone. All he had was desperate need. But he flung it out into the universe, chanting over and over in his head, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Just this once. Please.
He didn't open his eyes when he said hello. He could feel Justin's eyes on him, and he didn't want to be tempted to look, to see the fear, the lack of hope therein.
"Hello."
"Brian, it's Ted."
Brian sighed. "I know. You called my cell. I have caller ID."
"Oh right. Well, I can't believe I did it …"
Brian was so excited he opened his eyes and jumped to his feet. "You found it?"
Ted huffed a laugh. "Yup. Unfortunately, …"
"No. No unfortunatelys …"
"It's in Altoona."
"Altoona?"
"Don't ask me how it got there. All I know is that it's there. According to MapQuest, it's a two or two and a half hour drive."
Brian ran a hand roughly over his forehead. "I know."
"You do? How?"
Brian chuckled. "Truckers."
Ted started laughing hard then. "I see. You like a little rough trade?"
Brian cleared his throat. Then, ignoring Ted's question, he said, "Just text me the address."
"Will do."
"Bye …"
Ted was about to hang up when Brian added, his voice husky and low, "Wait …"
Ted asked, "Brian?"
Brian sighed. Deeply. Then he said, "Uh … thanks. I mean it. I owe you. Big." He hung up.
Ted just sat there, in front of his computer, staring at his phone. After a minute or two of stunned silence, he said, to no one in particular, "Huhn."
At that time, back at the loft, Brian was dressing. He had his back to Justin. He didn't want Justin to see the profound relief he was currently experiencing – especially since that relief had forced tears to the surface (and into his eyes). He didn't want Justin to know how much Brian had doubted his own ability to complete this particular task. He pulled his pants up and zipped and buttoned, even as he blinked furiously and breathed deeply, to push the tears back down.
Justin smiled uncertainly and asked, "So … was that Ted?"
When Brian felt more "together," he turned to face Justin and smiled. He nodded. "Yes. He found the last tape. But I have to go far to get it. Altoona. I'll be gone for four or five hours."
Justin's response sounded a lot like a breath of air. "Oh." Then after a long pause, he said, firmly, "I want to go with you." His CBT session (and successful staving off of a panic attack by himself), his taking the lead with their last round of sex, and Brian's persona suggestion all had Justin feeling more capable. And … he felt more desperately than ever before the need to "get better."
Justin thought this was a perfect stepping stone. He'd need to get to and from the Jeep and drive hours away from the safety of the loft (although, of course, Brian's being there would help – Brian's presence was a sort of a safety net, allowing him to be able to sit in the park comfortably for a few minutes the morning after they met and even to have sex in the Jeep. It had also helped Justin avoid a full-on panic attack at the courthouse). This wasn't the biggest step he could take, but it wasn't the smallest. Maybe he'd even go in with Brian wherever he had to go into.
Brian's eyes widened. His surprise happened so suddenly and with such intensity that Brian was unable to mask the emotion. He exclaimed, "What?"
Justin took a shuddery breath and started clenching and unclenching his hands. He smiled, but at half wattage. Still his voice held excitement. "I feel stronger today. I'm going with you."
Justin strode into the bedroom – and strode was the correct word – he walked quite purposefully – and started looking for something to wear, leaving a stunned, half-naked Brian in the living room. Left him gaping and holding but not putting on his shirt.