Stop and wait a sec

Oh, when you look at me like that, my darling

What did you expect?

I probably still adore you with your hands around my neck

Or I did last time I checked

-505 by Arctic Monkeys

She does not know why she came.

She knew this was a bad idea.

The wait sitting here in the muted hues of blue and gray were just adding fuel to the insecurity of seeing someone she hadn't seen in roughly four years and the last time she sent any communication to him was through a sympathy card with some flowers when she heard of the passing of Opie Winston.

So now sitting here on the cold metal bench was not helping that fact she wanted to just forget wanting to see him and why she thought that this was a good idea in the first place. She should have nixed the idea when she read when visiting you could not wear a bra with an underwire as it would have set off the metal detectors. How certain colors and outfits were restricted. She did not know how wives, partners, mothers, etc. could do this with all the restrictions when visiting a loved one. However she felt everyone was right being in a prison did give you a lot of "me" time to think, she was not even locked up, and she seemed to be having an existential crisis sitting on the hard metal bench.

It also was not helping the looks she was receiving from the guards or she should say the leers and she thought they were deliberately taking their grand ole time taking in her information to be approved to be a visitor. Yes she expected to take a while as this was the first time ever visiting someone in lock up, but come on it was going on to about forty five minutes now they were just messing with her as she was the only on in the goddamn room. With the wait though she should have been trying to think of what she was going to say to him as hey how are you doing was not exactly going to be a good conversation starter as she knew how exactly he was doing.

He was probably hurt, angry, and broken.

"Ms. Joslyn Anderson." She was startled out of her thoughts by the guard who seemed to be enjoying her presence the most. This guard reminded her of Jim Carry's version of Lemony Snicket and she made sure she kept her distance while he escorted her to one of the more secluded visiting areas where there were only about seven tables in the room.

The guard opened the door and she already heard the other guard in the room ordering him to stand.

Joslyn took a deep breath and hoped this did not turn to be a bad idea.

One very bad idea.

Thinking, analyzing, and calculating that was what Jax had been doing since the cops slapped his wrists in hand cuffs that night in his kitchen. He was trying to keep his emotions in check when thinking of how this retaliation was going to go and how to do it smoothly, but the rage was there bubbling on the surface waiting to be let out to avenge. It was too the point he could feel his fists shaking waiting to find a source of impact. Luckily Jax had a cell to himself and he didn't know if he could function having an inmate all in his business or in his luck know who he was and be used as some type of leverage for some punk wanting to prove himself.

So like now Jax was analyzing practically every move he made in his life on how did he let it get this bad and too this point. The point he let his family take the fall and suffer for his mistakes. For his arrogance that he thought he could change the future for the club like his father. Right there that arrogance was what killed his wife. He may not have given that fatal brutal blow to his wife, but he gave that ammunition. Tara was right the longer they stayed in Charming the more they turned into the people they hated most, and he, was, is turning into a monster. All she wanted was to save their boys.

"Teller, visitor!" A guard shouted before opening the gate to his cell.

Jax furrowed his brow slowly getting up from his top bunk and tried to think of who could be visiting him. His mom was just here yesterday, and he told the guys to not visit as August was able to get him a burner to talk quickly with them. He was sure if something did happen the DA would have made a personal appearance in his own damn cell to give him the information. The guard escorting him he noticed was giving him a smile as if he had a secret making the hairs on Jax neck peek to attention, "You got something to say?" He asked the beer belly guard around Jax's own height. Jax's knew crooked cops when he saw one and this guy was a filthy pig.

Beer belly gave Jax a smile that was really setting alarms off in his head, "Oh, I just got a peek at your visitor, too bad you aint having a conjugal."

Jax shook his head in disgust as they reached his destination and was escorted into the open visiting area and luckily beer belly was not the guard going to be overseeing this visit who he had no idea who it was. He was pretty sure it was not Wendy and he really hoped it was not her. He was still sore from her trying to worm her way into Abel's life like she didn't almost kill him and he seriously wondered why Tara even got her involved back in all their lives. Until he knew her drug use wasn't a problem he still couldn't trust her around his kids. He could cross Lyla off the list because she would have no reason to visit. He was also pretty sure Collette wouldn't visit after all that had went down. So who would be visiting? Jax took a seat at the table furthest away from the door and felt like he was waiting forever until the guard told him to rise.

Joslyn made her way in making sure she didn't get close to Lemony who was still leering at her. She made it into the room and when making eye contact with Jax she watched as confusion, recognition, surprise, and then hesitancy cross his face and she was really thinking it was a bad idea. She did not walk any further into the room as she became more hesitant, "I-I can go. I understand if you don't want to see me."

Of all the people Jax thought he would ever see again he did not expect to ever see Joslyn Anderson to see him and of all in prison for parole violation and being a suspect in his wife's murder.

Like how they first met, the chocolate brown hair and grey eyed woman had a knack for appearing in his life at his most troubled times in his life pertaining to his significant others. He remembered when they first met he was pissed off yet again finding out Wendy had another relapse then to top it off a car not paying attention to where she was backing out at in her parking spot ended on backing into his bike with him on it. Luckily, he was able to jump off the bike fast enough before being toppled by the weight. He was this close of seriously cussing whomever it was out, but out hopped a young petite girl wide eye in some daisy dukes and wife beater profusely apologizing on the verge of tears saying she will pay for any damage. Being a lothario, which he was back in the day, he was so distracted by what she had on display he immediately forgot about his problems with Wendy and was working on making this girl a new distraction.

Eventually she came to be one and a little more.

Realizing he had not said anything moved from behind the table to the side in the open space, "No, its fine. I'm just surprised to see you."

Joslyn gave him a small smile and made her way to meet Jax at the table and was surprised when he engulfed her into a hug. It amazed her how much time had passed between them, but she felt that security in his arms. How she felt protected which was comical to her since they were currently meeting again in a prison.

Pulling back, she looked into Jax's blue eyes that were so cold that they sent a shiver down her spine. She realized this was not the same Jax she met, the long blonde locks she used to tell him made him look like a surfer boy were gone along with his beard that now was slowly growing. Bulky muscles replaced his sinewy physique. However, all she could see was a broken mask of a man. She recalled this same look on him when he unexpectedly showed up on her doorstep his eyes with darken with bags under them. His former long locks meeting his shoulders in disarray from his helmet, and rocking a goatee. He did not want to go in the house all he said was he wanted to make sure she was okay. He revealed his son was kidnapped and he kept reiterating and echoing he needed to see if she was okay. He had the same look in his eyes, the same cold look. Clearing her throat, she slowly backed away from him, "I'm sorry about Tara."

Jax slowly nodded his head and motioned for her to sit while he did the same. He cleared his own throat for any emotions that threatened to spill before speaking. "Thanks." He ran his hands through his hair a disbelieving smile graced his lips, "I don't know what to say. I really never expected to see you again."

"Yeah, I wasn't sure if this was a good idea and all." For some reason Joslyn was not able to make eye contact with Jax and was looking anywhere but his eyes.

"Why we never had any problems." Jax asked truly perplexed. Jax always thought of Joslyn as a rare gem. Not that she was a pushover or anything, but she never wanted to cause or start trouble when by the end of the courtship she had all rights to do so.

But she never did.

She seemed to get him without really knowing all of him. Really the plain way to put it, she was, is, the only female to never cause Jax any problems in his highly complicated life.

"I know, but the circumstances. I just didn't want to- It's just been so long."

"I understand. It's been what three-four years? You still living in Eureka?"

"Yeah, I'm still there."

"Well that is a far drive. You make it down here alright?" Jax said thinking about his long ago run that involved a detour saving Tig from some bounty hunters when they were doing a "blood drive" for the kids down there.

"Yeah, the only problem is here with the pickets." Joslyn said slightly nodding her head to the guard by the door.

Jax briefly eyed the guard by the door then returned his gaze back to Joslyn who was looking at her hands thanking god this was not a conjugal visit. "Yeah they are all pigs here. They didn't touch you or anything?"

Joslyn finally looked up at Jax seeing some warmth seep into his eyes and smiled at his general concern for her, "No, they are just looking. I am used to it. God does that make me sound conceited?"

Jax cracked a little smile for the first time in a week since everything had happened, "Nah. So how have you been?"

"I have been good. Nothing really happens in Eureka. It is a quiet little city." Joslyn said being deliberately vague with her answer.

"I didn't ask about Eureka darlin'. I asked about you."

"There really isn't anything to really say Jax; I am really a boring person."

Jax scooted closer to the table a smile still tugging at his lips if memory served him correctly Joslyn was anything but a boring person, "I have a hard time believing that one. You were always a busy body I always had a hard time trying to track you down when you were not rear ending me."

When Jax and Joslyn met she was on her last semester in college for her bachelors in healthcare management, so when they did become friends the only time they really had time to see each other was during a late midnight visit or if he would make a surprise visit to her campus that only happened a few times. He remembered when she told him she was getting a degree in that profession, the medical field; his immediate thought was of course Tara. He would take interest in a girl who could pique his attention with her looks but keep his attention with her brain. He remembered always trying to find something to compare Joslyn to Tara with, but he never could besides being in college. Joslyn did not come from a single parent household with the remaining parent being a drunk. Joslyn came from a two-parent household her parents never married as Joslyn told him "they don't believe in marriage" and she described her parents as being some warped version of hippies as their farm was a junkyard. She also was not an only child, she was the youngest, and had four older siblings, her sister being the oldest with three older brothers. The crazy thing at the time he never asked for their names like she never asked the name for his brother.

For the first time for Jax though, he was able to see someone could feel the void Tara left in him. He was not saying he was in love with Joslyn but towards the end of their relationship they both could say it was a superficial courtship. They did not really know anything about each other except the surface facts. He thought they both could admit though the potential was there.

"That was only the one time you never let me live that down. You know you were a cheeky bastard that day." Joslyn said recalling when she was about to cry her eyes out over getting in her first but minor accident to just realizing Jax was hitting on her when trying to exchange information so she could pay for the damage.

Jax smiled at Joslyn's description of him that day and interlaced his fingers together putting his hands on the table, "Hey, you still agreed to have a drink with me that day."

Thinking back to that "drink", Jax took her to one of the bars in small town Charming named, Aces, that was conveniently located a little over two blocks from her apartment. She would give it to Jax he was smooth, made her feel like the only girl in the world, but he was also trying to have her throw back the liquor her small frame wouldn't be able to burn off. She knew they did not have any concrete conversations not that she minded. She knew all Jax wanted was her to be a notch on his bedpost. Therefore, she went along with the flirty ways leading him on only for her to pull back a little. Be a tease, as he would call her later. She remembered him taking her back to her apartment them at a standstill at her door. She remembered going in for the kill wrapping her arms around his neck her chest pressed against his in his leather cut she never inquired about. She knew he thought that she was going to open her door and lead him to her bed, but instead she gave him a quick kiss on his cheek with an even quicker goodbye watching as his eyes widen with shocked and then gave her an impressed smile before yelling through her door that he will see her again.

He did though for the next three months.

Thinking back to those three months of her and Jax it was not a serious relationship at all. After about a week of "teasing" Jax she let him in nothing she ever regretted because despite how artificial the relationship was back then there was always that potential, the possibility, she could have fallen in love with him. Despite what she would later find out that he was married, although he filed for divorce, if they probably would have dig deeper and ignored the mentality that what they had was a fling. Maybe where they both were at right now in their lives would be different. She would give a fleeting thought to the notion of being in love with Jax when he would sometimes stay at her apartment both of them lying in bed enjoying post-coitus bliss. It was his candid moments though that she really played with the word love. She would creep out of her bedroom and find him sitting at her table in her small dainty kitchen his pack of cigarettes on the table one waiting to be lit in his mouth while he would be toying with his zippo lighter. His action of lightening the cigarette and watching the flames dance for a moment before extinguishing it was where she would feel honored seeing the raw emotions pass through him, but then she would be reminded she did not really know this man at all. The cut that hung on the back of her chair proudly displaying he was the Vice President of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle club and a Men of Mayhem told her that and she was hardly ever privy to the thoughts in his head that were clearly troubling him.

She knew back in that time he was obviously dealing with more shit than her because all she had to deal with was worrying about how she was going to finish her 15 page papers due and what tests she needed to cram for. She knew she was nothing more than a reprieve for him. A distraction he found her in her apartment 505.

Like she said though there was that potential if they would have dug deeper into the surface, but they never did especially at the end but because of her fear of causing trouble for his wife and his life in general she let him go not thinking of the consequence she would need to face.

After some quiet from both ends obviously thinking about their history, "So you have two sons now?" Joslyn asked knowing the Jax she knew was not ready to be a father, but now he was.

Jax smiled sadly at the mention of his two boys and sat up straighter on the bench. "Yeah, Abel and Thomas."

"How do you like it being a dad?"

"It's hard." Jax deadpanned but a smile sidles onto his face.

Joslyn chuckled at Jax's answer, "Yeah being a parent isn't easy. You always have to be aware of what you are doing because even if you do not mean for it to happen they are affected by our actions."

Joslyn had no idea how hard those words hit home with Jax. How they related to him and Tara. How his actions especially ones for the club always seemed to cause more destruction at home than the streets. Only one person in his family was not affected by his actions, but that was because he let go of his first family, his first-born, a luxury he tried to give Tara when she had that job offer in Oregon. "I know I have no right to ask, you don't have to answer, I will completely understand, how is she though Karina? She will be turning six in December right?"

"December 12." Joslyn said giving him a smile at the mention of her little girl.

"You're not mad I don't know that?" Jax once again was stumped how Joslyn could never get angry, like there was not an angry bone in her petite frame. Maybe being raised by hippies did that to her.

Joslyn shook her head her wavy hair bouncing a little with life her smile turning into a thin line on her face before answering him. "You know I am not bitter like that Jax. We both knew the consequences from our decision."

"I know, but she still is my daughter. I'm still her father."

September 30, 2015

Revised to the best of my abilities.

-Tori.