"Motherhood is a great honor and privilege, yet it is also synonymous with servanthood. Every day women are called upon to selflessly meet the needs of their families. Whether they are awake at night nursing a baby, spending their time and money on less-than-grateful teenagers, or preparing meals, moms continuously put others before themselves."- Charles Stanley

Snow was gently falling on the grounds of Ohio. Chloe was busy decorating the house for Christmas while Bryce was napping. He was now five months old. She sighed as she strung silver and gold garland all over the Christmas tree. She had already hung red and green ornament bulbs all over the tree. The only other ornaments were Angels. She had purposefully decorated it that way, in honor of Cortland.

She absolutely loved the holiday season. It made her feel so joyful and festive. She always went all out when it came to decking the halls. Now she had an even better reason to do it. For her son's first Christmas.

The cries of her son pulled her away from her decorating. Grinning, she went to fetch him from the nursery. She had dressed him in a striped Christmas colored romper with a picture of a reindeer on it. She swept him into her arms happily and covered him with kisses.

"Hello my little angel." She crooned. She changed him quickly and then carried him into the living room. She leaned down and plugged in the Christmas tree.

Little Bryce was mystified by the twinkling lights.

The moments like this made her so proud to be a mother. She was filled with happiness. She knew that when he got older she would be lifting him up so that he could put the Angel on top of the tree. She knew someday he would ask about his father, and she would tell him everything she knew. She would show him the letters, the pictures of them together, and everything that made him wonderful. She would not hide the truth of who he was from her son. She swore to herself that she would be honest with him from the start. That Daddy never got to hold him, but that he was always watching over them. Always and forever.

Bryce had turned out to be an incredibly cheerful baby. He loved to cuddle with her and be close. He was so clingy, but she loved it. He was her entire world, from the beginning to the end. She was a woman with almost no social connections to the outside world. Cortland had been her last tie. She had only gone out to put flowers on his grave. She had taken Bryce there a few times when it was warmer out. She knew she would take him there many times throughout the years.

She envisioned the future in snatches. Her son's first smile, his first words and steps, his baptism, his first day of preschool. She stopped herself before going too far. That was too much emotion for her.

She finished decorating within a few minutes, and took a step back to admire her work.

It looked perfect. And it should. It was her baby's first Christmas.

That weekend she got a soft book version of "The Night Before Christmas" to read to him on Christmas Eve. It was an old family tradition. She was proud to be continuing it on.

Christmas Eve came quickly, and Chloe was busy setting up her son's mountain of gifts. Santa was going to be incredibly generous this year. She had gone all out- she got him new stuffed animals, learning toys, books, and clothes.

Her favorite piece of clothing was a pair of footie pajamas that were blue with angel wings on the back. The front said "Mommy's little angel". She thought it was a perfect way to pay homage to Cortland.

It was nearly 7:30, so she brought her son into the bathroom and bathed him before bringing him into his nursery and sat in the rocking chair and started to read to him. Quickly enough, he fell asleep and she gently tucked him in and planted a kiss on his forehead.

She dragged herself into her room. Although she was excited for her son, days like these made her heart ache for Cortland. She curled up under the covers and had a good cry, listening to a sad song on her iPod before finally falling asleep.

Chloe awoke two times during the night to tend to Bryce, but woke up officially at eight in the morning. She could hear him playing in his crib over the baby monitor. She got up, feeling the intense joy that came with Christmas that she hadn't felt in years. She came into the nursery to hear her son babbling happily.

"Merry Christmas, sweetheart!" She said, lifting him up in the air and spinning him around. He giggled and laughed, and she sat down to feed him his breakfast before sitting on the floor and helping him to open his presents. Bryce's first Christmas was a white one, full of excitement and laughter. The toy he took to most quickly was a small stuffed bear. It wasn't anything particularly special. She played Christmas music through all of the house, where Bryce was trying to sing along and clapping.

He enjoyed the rattle she had bought him, along with some soft blocks. She sat him in a playpen, propping him up with some pillows while she started baby-proofing the house. She had been reading up on every stage of her son's development from the time she knew how far along she was in her pregnancy. Soon her little boy would be scooting and crawling around the house. She tried to push the disappointment aside.

She only wanted to do a little at a time. Today she baby-proofed all the electrical outlets in the house. Those were the ones she worried about. Tomorrow she would proof the edges of tables. Besides, she wanted to spend as much time with her son as possible.

As morning light turned to dark of night, Chloe put her busy little boy to bed. When she got back to her room, she journaled down the day for Cortland.

My Darling Cortland,

Our son had a wonderful first Christmas. He was so happy and excited about his presents. He's starting to sit up by himself now, and is babbling constantly. Soon he'll start crawling, so I've started baby-proofing the house so he doesn't get hurt.
His joy reminds me of you. So vivacious and full of life. He's such a happy child. I was blessed in that regard- and in others.
I knew true love in you. That was a blessing. I only wish you were here to celebrate with us. Merry Christmas, my love. You will always be our guardian angel.

All My Love,
Your Dove