A/N: alright guys, here's the second chapter. I hope all of you (yes I mean all eight of you) enjoy it. again, I have to thank madame_denna for (not) so subtly encouraging me to write and post. seriously tho, she's the best.
The law of gravity
.-.-.-.-.
We all fall
Somebody shine a light
I'm frozen by the fear in me
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me
So cut me from the line
Dizzy, spinning endlessly
Somebody make me feel alive
And shatter me!
Chapter 1 - Someone please tell me that it's okay now
She woke up with a scream dying in her throat. The sheets were tangled around her legs and cold sweat was running down between her shoulder blades. Denna was breathing heavily, sitting up in the middle of her bed. She glanced around the empty dark bedroom for several moments until she reached a shaking hand over to the nightstand to flip on a small lamp. The bright glow illuminated the room and chased away every lingering shadow. She took more deep breaths until her heart stopped beating like it wanted to escape the confines of her ribcage.
A look at the digital clock on the other side of the room told her that it was barely past midnight. She had work in the morning anyway so there was no use in trying to go back to sleep. She pulled the tangled sheets away from her body and got up from the bed, deciding that a shower was definitely in order. She walked over to the en-suite bathroom and flipped on every light along the way. She ignored the large mirror on one side of the room and went straight for the shower. She threw her soaked shirt and shorts into the hamper before turning on the water and holding a hand under the spray to test the temperature. It took almost two minutes until it was hot enough for her to step into the shower stall.
The water pounded against the top of her head and shoulders, almost but not quite hot enough to scald her skin. The warmth helped ease the tension in her neck and the scent of her body wash soothed the queasy feeling in her stomach that she was now used to waking up with. The water started cooling when she finally stepped out of the shower and grabbed for a fluffy white towel. She wrapped it tightly around her body and once again ignored the mirror while walking past it back into her bedroom. She dug around her pile of freshly washed clothes for a shirt and some sweats, and after putting these on, wrapped her hair up in the towel.
She stopped in front of her bedroom door and opened the lock she had specifically requested. It was nonsensical, of course, to have a lock on the bedroom door but she felt better with it, so why not? She wandered into the kitchen, the lights were on over night anyway, and moved from one cabinet to the next, taking out a bowl, a spoon and her meds.
She downed three little white pills with a glass of water before pouring her cereal into a bowl and adding milk. The medication started taking effect while she was still chewing on her Capt'n Crunch. Soon enough the room around her lost its hard edges and dark corners. She could breathe more freely and, after putting bowl and spoon into the sink, it was almost bearable again. She walked back to the bathroom and untangled the towel from her head, turning to the mirror, brush in hand.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.
"Miss Lewis, do you have a moment?"
Denna swiveled around in her office chair and nodded. "Sure."
Her boss, Zedd Zorander, jerked his head in the general direction of his office and Denna got up to follow him.
He sat down behind his desk and pulled on the collar of his white coat, a stethoscope securely curled around his neck. "Have a seat, I'll try to make it short."
Denna walked into the room and closed the door behind her with a quiet 'click'. She sat down in one of the two chairs in front of the desk and rested her hands on her thighs, waiting patiently.
"Miss Lewis, you applied for a job here four weeks ago, and your resume stated that you had previous experience in the medical field. Now I assumed that you had worked as a doctor's receptionist before, however what I didn't expect was to find out that my new employee is more qualified to do my job than I am."
Denna made a small noise in the back of her throat. "I wasn't working in the field of pediatrics."
"No, perhaps not, but you are one of the most well-known and lauded surgeons of the country."
She opened her mouth to say something, but Zedd held up a hand to silence her. "Honestly, you probably have a reason for why you decided to work for me as a receptionist and I'm not going to ask any questions. But if you ever decide you want to talk about it, I am more than willing to listen, alright?"
Denna inclined her head and smiled. She knew she liked the quirky pediatrician for a reason. "Thank you sir."
"No problem," Zedd answered, moving one hand to smooth down his gray hair where it was sticking up weirdly. He wasn't very successful. "Now back to work."
Denna nodded and returned to her place behind the front desk where she smiled at every crying and sick child and their exhausted parents. She liked her new job. It was nothing like her old one and that meant less stress, less responsibility and most importantly, no more eighteen-hour days.
She was on her lunch break when one of her new colleagues, a smiling red-head, joined her. "Hey, Denna right? We haven't had many shifts together yet, but I just wanted to say welcome to the team."
"Thank you. I enjoy working here."
"That's good, I mean Doctor Z is really laid-back and its actually fun with him. Let me tell you I've worked for other doctors before and I swear they think the world is revolving only around them."
Denna smiled lightly and nodded. "Yeah I've encountered those before."
"I'm Jennsen by the way," the other woman introduced herself as she sat down across from Denna. The little table in the break room was littered with all kinds of sweets and Jennsen snatched up a piece of chocolate before unwrapping it and plopping it into her mouth.
"So, I've actually been meaning to talk to you since you started here," Jennsen, chewing thoughtfully on the chocolate.
Denna lowered the sandwich she was about to take a bite from back down to the plate and looked at Jennsen. She managed to keep her face impassive, but on the inside she was frantically trying to think of ways to get away from this conversation. It was bound to happen sooner or later, but she'd rather that it be later.
"You look like you do some workout sometimes," Jennsen began but blushed when Denna gaped at her. "Not that I've been checking you out or anything. I mean I would, if I were into that… into women I mean, 'cause you're really hot, but I'm not. Into women. Oh god." She buried her face in her hands and shook her head from one side to the other. "Sorry, that came out all wrong."
Denna chuckled, relieved that Jennsen was obviously trying to talk about something entirely different than she'd expected.
"What I meant to say was that my former sister-in-law has her own yoga classes now and I'm kind of helping her find people to take them, but not just because we're like family or anything but because she's really good and people really should be taking her classes. It doesn't really matter what kind of job you have or whatever, yoga is an awesome way to get rid of stress and just to figure out how to relax more easily. So I was wondering if you were interested. In taking a class I mean."
Jennsen had rambled on without a break and took Denna several moments to figure out the gist of what she'd been saying.
She raised an eyebrow. "Your former sister-in-law?"
Jennsen shrugged. "Long story. She's awesome though, and kind of better off without my brother. Not that I'd ever tell him that, but she was never really happy. And you're probably not interested in any of my messed up family stories." Jennsen glanced at her watch and pocketed another piece of chocolate before getting up. "Anyways, think about it okay? It'd be cool if you want to come."
Before Denna could even think about contributing to the conversation, Jennsen had already shuffled out of the break room with a wave of her hand. She raised her eyebrows and looked down at her half-eaten sandwich.
"Uh, sure I'll think about it," she said into the empty room and smiled. "Yoga, huh?"
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Denna tugged on the collar of her turtleneck and took a deep breath before pushing the door open and stepping into the fitness studio. A brunette behind the front desk smiled brightly at her. "Hello and welcome to Body Sense, how can I help you?"
"I'm here for a yoga class, I'm not sure who exactly is teaching it but I'm meeting someone -"
"Oh hey, you made it. Awesome," Jennsen called from across the room. She hurried over to Denna and tugged on her arm. "C'mon, I'll show you the changing rooms and then we're almost ready to start."
Denna cleared her throat and looked down at herself. She was wearing sweatpants and a black turtleneck - not really the ideal outfit for workout - but she wouldn't, couldn't, wear anything else. "Actually I don't need to change."
Jennsen turned to look at her and shrugged in response. "Okay, then let's head straight to the class."
Jennsen eventually let go of her arm and Denna exhaled a quiet breath she'd been holding. She followed her through the studio that was surprisingly large with several rooms housing all kinds of activities. One of the last doors led to a large room, one wall serving as a large mirror, where several women and two men had already gathered. They were chatting among themselves and waved at Jennsen as they entered, sneaking glances at her that they probably thought were subtle.
Denna felt her chest constrict.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. She'd considered shooting Jennsen's offer down, but the idea of finally learning more about relaxation techniques had made her accept instead. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept through a night without meds, and most daily activities were starting to become an ordeal without a Xanax or two in her bloodstream, especially if there were many people around her and she wasn't in complete control of the situation. Yoga actually seemed like a sensible alternative, and she was more than a little curious to see whether it would improve her situation or just turn out to be a nonsensical waste of her time.
However she was starting to regret her decision. The gym room seemed a little too small for her as others began spreading mats on the floor. Even more people were coming in through the door behind her and the space shrunk even more.
She took a couple of shallow breaths and turned to Jennsen to apologize. She had the lie already on the tip of her tongue, something about not feeling well, when a warm hand settled between her shoulder blades. She flinched and spun around.
Denna stared a little dumbstruck at the woman before her. Electrifying blue eyes gazed at her from a pale face, a small smile dancing across shapely lips.
"Hey, just try to take a couple of deep breaths and ignore the others okay? Just focus on me."
Denna nodded, still surprised by the odd encounter, the tightness in her chest dissipating again. She forced her legs to move toward the back of the room, her gaze trained on the woman with blue eyes who took up position at the front. She smiled brightly at everyone until she looked at Denna and the smile changed a little.
Jennsen tossed her a mat and gave her a thumbs up from where she stood in the middle of the room. Denna managed to contort her face into a smile and mouthed a silent 'thank you'.
Being in the back of the room with most attention focused on the brunette in the front gave Denna a moment to breathe and to look around. The other people in the studio were either wearing shorts and shirts or tank tops and spandex. The number of men hadn't increased and the room was mostly filled with light voices and quiet laughter.
"Hello everyone, for those of you who don't know me yet, I'm Kahlan and I'll be leading this class today. I was asked to teach a couple of classes in my spare time and I agreed because I love doing yoga. It helped learn more about myself along the way and become a more balanced person. We will start easy today, just a few basic positions and most importantly breathing exercises. This will help you get a better sense of your body while relaxing your mind."
Denna took another breath, finally feeling like she could focus enough to actually follow instructions. She pushed the sleeves of her turtleneck up her arms and listened to Kahlan introduce the origins of yoga and its purpose. The words didn't really matter to her, but the way Kahlan's voice washed soothingly over her allowed Denna to close her eyes for a moment to calm down.
She smiled to herself at the surprising turn this evening had already taken and opened her eyes to regard Kahlan. Her black tresses were pulled back into a ponytail and she'd shed her black training jacket to reveal a white shirt with the studio's logo on it. The muscles of her arms flexed as she gestured with a smile. Denna swallowed. Of course the yoga class instructor had to be drop dead gorgeous - it was a cliché that just waited to be fulfilled.
The first thing Kahlan told them to do was lie down and just focus on breathing calmly and consciously. Easy enough.
But the longer the lesson went on, the more difficult it became. Denna hadn't counted on some of the positions actually being difficult and struggled to stay upright or in the same place more often than not. From her spot in the back she saw that many others weren't faring much better.
By the end of that hour of yoga she was sweating in her black turtleneck, the material clinging uncomfortably to her skin.
Denna gasped quietly when a piercing pain shot through her abdomen during one of the last exercises. She was forced to sit up while everyone else still had their foreheads firmly pressed to the mat. She wasn't paying attention to Kahlan and flinched when she suddenly knelt down in front of her.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, fine, just a little unaccustomed to the whole bending and breathing thing," Denna answered, a little out of breath. She pressed her hand into her aching side and sat up a little straighter.
Kahlan's eyes traveled from her face down to her stomach and back up before she nodded and straightened to walk back to the front of the class. "Alright everyone, that's it for today. Remember what I told you about the various positions and if you have time, practice at home. I promise that it will get easier."
The class clapped and the noise of chatter and laughter filled the small room. Denna got up and rolled her mat together before slowly walking over to Jennsen who was chatting with some of the group members. She turned to Denna with a broad smile. "How'd you like it?"
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
She wasn't entirely sure why she kept coming back after that first time but with every passing week it did get easier to stay in the yoga positions and focus on nothing but her breathing. It didn't really help with her nightmares but Denna felt generally more at ease after the sessions and it gave her something to look forward to during the week. Not that she enjoyed being cooped up in a small room with a dozen or so people, but Jennsen's enthusiasm was fairly infectious and Kahlan's presence was reason enough for her to return.
After being hit on and having shot down several of the other yoga class attendees she was mostly left alone aside from Jennsen and her small group of friends chatting with her every time they arrived. It was interesting to find out that she didn't mind other people's company as much when she'd gotten to know them a bit better and they were in a certain kind of environment that allowed for some degree of control. That alone seemed like an accomplishment she could be more or less proud of.
In week seven of yoga training she actually managed to master one of the more difficult exercises and after remaining in the same position for more than five minutes she found herself drifting off. Not into sleep, but into a peaceful state of mind where nothing around her mattered. She was alone in her head. No noise, no distractions. She wasn't thinking about anything and simply drifted in and out of that state between awake and asleep.
She didn't immediately recognize the warm hand on her shoulder for what it was and reacted to the touch with a small noise. Warm breath tickled her ear.
"Slowly come back to me, just concentrate on my voice and come back."
Denna furrowed her brow and slowly but surely left her silent little bubble only to become aware of her surroundings again. A hand was resting on her shoulder while the other one was firmly pressed against her side. Her eyes snapped open and she saw that most of the other people had already left the room and were moving toward the door.
"Just breathe into my hand," Kahlan said from behind her and the hand on her side moved around her body to her diaphragm.
"Don't touch me," she hissed and immediately moved away from Kahlan. She scrambled to her feet, her breathing completely erratic. She stared down at Kahlan who was still on her knees and looking at her with a confused expression.
"I can't… I have to go," she blurted out grabbed her bag before hurrying over to the door. She tugged on the collar of her sweatshirt and rested her hand against her wildly beating heart. She ripped the door open and almost bumped into a blonde woman whose hand was raised toward the door knob.
"Uh hey," she said with a raised eyebrow but Denna simply shouldered past her and into the hallway.
Outside she hailed a cab and made it back to her apartment just in time to fall apart.
Everything suddenly felt too restraining and she pulled her sweater over her head, tossing it into a corner. She freed her hair from the tight braid and walked straight into her bathroom, flipping on all the lights along the way. She stopped in front of the large mirror and stared down at the sink for several moments before she raised her eyes and stared at her face.
The dark circles under her eyes were barely visible through the make-up. Her hair was a mess and she raked a hand through the blonde strands that were so light they almost seemed white. She remembered how Dahlia had convinced her to color her hair several years back and that accident had turned her from brunette to blonde. She'd never wanted to be a peroxide blonde, far from it really, but she'd grown to like it a lot. It fit her more than she'd expected.
Her eyes traveled from her hair back to her face and further down to her throat. She raised a shaking hand and traced the white scar with her fingers. She didn't feel anything, the nerves were severed but she stroked the thick scarred skin with her fingertips for a moment before she let her hand drop. She let her gaze travel further south and winced at the way her ribs stood out against her pale skin. She'd lost more weight than she was willing to admit, recalling how Darken had asked her to take good care of herself after moving away.
She exhaled a breath she'd been holding and looked down at her abdomen where she still felt Kahlan's hand pressing against her sweater, the heat simply filtering through the material. More scars marred her skin there, going from her breastbone down to her stomach where several small white lines branched out along her sides. The cosmetic surgeon had done an amazing job with the stitches but the scars were still clearly visible. A constant reminder of that day in the parking lot.
Denna raised her head and grinned wryly at herself. After almost four months she still couldn't let anyone touch her. The thought alone made her insides clench. She was afraid of people and every single person she encountered seemed to pose a threat somehow. Denna knew that she should be in therapy, but she just hadn't been able to talk about it yet. She'd told herself that she needed to process it first before she could share her emotions and memories with some random stranger she paid to listen to her.
She took a deep breath and moved her hand to hover over the scars on her stomach but she just couldn't bring herself to touch them. Instead she turned to the medicine cabinet and popped two pills into her hand, one for the pain and one for the anxiety. She downed them with a glass of water and trudged back into the living room where she wrapped herself into a thick blanket and sat on the couch, switching on the television and watching whatever show was on.
She burrowed deeper into the blanket and closed her eyes. Her phone rang somewhere in the apartment and she had to scramble around before she found it in one of the pockets of her sweater. She held the device to her hear.
"Yeah?"
"Hey Den, how's it going over there?" Darken asked in his usual rich deep tone.
He sure was every woman's dream come true with his sleek black hair and tasteful three-day stubble, only if he wasn't as gay as the night was dark. He was so much of a guy, always wearing suits and playing Prince Charming wherever he went that it was hard to tell. But once he started talking about another cutie he'd kicked out of bed in the morning it was clear that he was definitely batting for the other team.
Denna smiled and settled back into the couch. "Hey, it's going okay. I mean, you know work and all that."
"You and work. How about a vacation? Come and visit us, your friends remember? The people you can trust with your life?"
Denna chuckled quietly and pulled the blanket tighter around herself, trapping the phone between her head and the couch. "I don't think I'm ready yet, to come back I mean. But if you want to visit, I'd like that."
"Yeah?"
"You're looking for a flight on your laptop right now aren't you?"
Darken made a small noise and then sighed. "So what?"
"You can't just take off work to fly all across the country."
"Maybe if I tell them I'm sick -"
"Darken."
"Yeah, okay, alright, but soon, you hear me? I've already requested some days off and then I'll be on your ass you won't even know what happened."
"I'm looking forward to it."
"You better. Okay, now tell me, what's been going on in your life?"