Just overwhelmed with all your nice reviews. Thank you so very much.
Left out an important note last chapter, this fic will obviously have trigger warnings so be careful reading. Got a question about how many chapters this fic will have, my estimate is often shite since I tend to write way more than planned & I haven't decided just where to leave it at, but I guess at least 6-7 chapters. As you can probably tell it's a bit slow-moving but the plot is taking off now so hopefully it won't be too boring & I'll try and update with just a few days between chapters.
Thanks again for reading & reviewing & Happy Holidays!
Chapter 2
Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets. ~ Paul Tournier
The grass felt nice under her bare feet. She couldn't see them but she felt her toes dig in to the cool green grass with the dirt just underneath it. She liked running barefoot as a child so she imagined herself being a child right now. Why didn't she run barefoot any longer? Couldn't you do that as an adult? The coolness of the grass combined with the sun warming her cheeks gave her a serene feeling all over. Even though she stared straight in to the sun it didn't hurt her eyes one bit. She felt a chuckle erupt inside her body and as she let it out she started running towards the sun. She couldn't remember a time she felt this good in a long, long time. She just kept running, feeling the breeze grab her tresses, the grass tickle her feet and the cheerfulness of the chuckle that roamed inside her carefree frame. There was a warm spot on her cheek though that felt wet and it seemed to put some pressure on her. She didn't mind it but it made it hard to focus on the sun and all the pleasantness. She started to pull out of the brightness and in to a hazy darkness even though she would much rather stay where she'd been.
Amanda mumbled a little as Frannie kept pushing her muzzle to her cheek. Finally she stirred and the dog made a chipper 360 turn before coming back to bump her muzzle at her owner again to make sure she didn't go back to sleep.
"Whatcha want Frannie?" Amanda mumbled a bit annoyed as she tried to get her eyes to stay open long enough to be able to get a clear image of her beloved canine.
"I'm awake," she said trying to avoid the licks showering her face right now. She loved her dog but there was just times when her affectional gestures didn't beat a nice, comfortable dream. And since a calm sleep and nice dreams where rare elements these days, her nights plagued with nightmares most of the time, she wished she could've stayed there a bit longer.
As her senses slowly started to come back to her though she could tell that the sun was already set high on the New York skyline and she heard the faint sound of her alarm clock coming from down the hall. Her eyes popped up immediately and she sat up, her eyes franticly searching for a clock or any device that could tell her what time it was.
She was on her couch, covered in her thick winter comforter that she'd brought out with her after a specifically haunting nightmare just wouldn't let her out of its grip and the bedroom didn't feel like a safe retreat any longer. It wasn't the first time she'd retreated out there and it wasn't the first time she overslept either. Why the hell couldn't she learn to bring her alarm clock with her or set the alarm on her phone?
"Useless as tits on a bull," she mumbled as she scrambled to her feet pushing her way past the distraught looking dog and down towards the bedroom. She went on to call herself every curse word that came to mind as she headed in to the bathroom letting her alarm clock ring as she desperately for the toilet right now.
She had a missed call from Fin and she called him up as she rushed down to her car with Frannie pulling ahead in her leash.
"I'm so sorry," she started with as he picked up.
"Overslept again?" he mumbled and she had a hard time picking up if he was pissed or not.
"Yeah, well no, this… what do you call it, thing in my kitchen broke and…"
"Don't worry about it," he said cutting her off and she got a sense he was just saving her from coming up with another lie.
She was pretty sure he'd made her already, that she kept lying and she hated knowing it probably made him worry about her. She'd tried to let him know she wasn't gambling, that she was keeping up with her meetings, but she just didn't want to tell him the real reason why she was running late as it would bring up a whole other batch of questions. Why did she have nightmares? What were the nightmares about? It was questions she just didn't want to answer. That she didn't know how to answer.
Fin spoke again, pulling her out of her shame filled thoughts.
"I just wanted to give you a heads up Liv might be coming in today after all," he said.
"Why? Isn't she at the conference?" she asked as she loaded Frannie in on the floor of the passenger seat.
"Yeah, I dunno really, she reached out to Nick, he wasn't sure what was up though," he informed her and Amanda just got a bad gut feeling that spread throughout her body quickly.
"Weird," she mumbled.
"Could be nothing but just be here before she gets her okay," Fin said and she head the concern in his voice. He was a really good partner, trying to have her back even when she didn't deserve it.
"I'm dropping off Frannie and then I'll be right in," she said and then hung up after Fin told her to just drive carefully.
When Amanda finally rushed in to the squad room she mumbled a 'morning' and 'sorry for being late' to Amaro and Carisi as she continued over to her desk. She shot Fin a quick look and got the 'glad you're here even though I'm a little pissed at you' look from him as she hung her jacket.
"We got anything from tech?" she asked as she was seated and he nodded.
"Really?" she asked excited.
"Cool it," he said immediately, "it's a long list. There were several parties in the house, a lot were on their phones."
"But receiving a phone call at that exact time? Where's the list?" Amanda couldn't keep her excitement down. Both Amaro and Carisi were throwing her glances but she was only eager to get the list from Fin.
"It's on your computer," he let her know, "I asked them to separate the traffic so the most recent list is the one with only dial up traffic."
"How many on that one?" she asked as she was checking her computer.
"At least twenty known numbers," Fin answered.
"So some unregistered?" she assumed as she opened up the most recent mail from tech. Fin confirmed that assumption but Amanda was still hopeful they'd find their assailant on that list.
Amanda got totally absorbed with the case. They had thirteen subscriptions owned by males and would start with those. Since a phone wasn't always used by the registered party they would still have to check out the nine other numbers but they decided to start with the men. Since they had a rather long list, a lot of addresses spread across the city to visit, Amaro and Carisi volunteered to help out. Divide and conquer Carisi joked but Amanda was too swallowed up by the prospect of solving this case to even smile.
Fin and Amanda took the southbound addresses while Nick and Sonny took northbound. Since it was a Sunday and right after new year's, people getting ready to head back to work after the holidays, it was quite easy to find people at home. Before lunch they'd spoken to seven people on the list between the two teams. Amanda was suspicious of one person they'd talked to and Nick & Sonny also talked to one shady person.
It wasn't until they broke for lunch Amanda had a look at her phone and felt a little relieved she hadn't received a single call all day. She felt as though she'd jinxed it though as she saw her sergeants name in the window just moments after she'd put her phone back down in her pocket.
"Hey," Liv said once Amanda picked up, "How are you? Things going okay?"
Amanda got a little tense off the bat, her sergeant usually didn't start with any pleasantries but got straight to the point once she called her least favorite detective. That's how Amanda pictured herself in Liv's eyes, she knew she often exaggerate things but in this case she was pretty sure her feeling was spot on.
"Fine," she answered a bit hesitant, "We're working the new year's stabbing slash rape attempt."
"Yeah I figured, will you be in at the station anytime soon?" Liv asked and sounded like she only listened a little halfhearted.
"Well no, we're checking of a phone list since we think the perp got a phone call as he ran out of there. Amaro and Carisi are helping out but we still have plenty of names left…"
"Would you mind taking a break just for a while? Check back in here at the station?" Liv sounded awfully cooperative which made Amanda even more on edge.
"We were just getting lunch, you know how Fin gets…" Amanda tried a joke but the chuckle that would've sold it got stuck in her throat.
They were actually standing in line to order and judging by the looks Fin was giving her he really did want to get up to the cashier now.
"I really need you to come in, chief Dodds is here as well," Liv said.
"Dodds?" Amanda questioned and saw Fin's look change a little by the sound of the unpopular man's name.
"Could you try and be here within thirty?" Liv asked.
"Fin and I?" Amanda asked as she got a little nervous something big was going on.
"Yeah," Liv answered but there had been a brief hesitation, Amanda had heard it and she couldn't help but wonder if the hesitation stood for something. She wanted to ask Liv what was going on but since they didn't have that sort of relationship she didn't feel able to and just let her sergeant know they would be right in.
"We were getting lunch," Fin complained as Amanda hung up and he'd just heard her tell Liv they were heading back in.
"You want to grab something to go?" she suggested.
"What's going on?" he asked, "You mentioned Dodds."
Amanda just shrugged.
"Not sure, she wants us to come in asap. You want?" she asked and gestured back over to the cashier as to ask again if he wanted to buy something.
"Just let's get back," he said and they started heading back out, "We'll take an extended lunch afterwards, they'll owe us that."
He patted her back a little as they headed out of there. She nodded but hadn't really heard him, the knot in her gut had most of her attention right now. She jumped in behind the wheel and took off.
Fin checked in with Amaro on the drive back to the station. He got a little jealous as he learnt they were sitting down for some lunch and he had a hard time hiding that from his tone of voice as he informed him they were making a detour to the station before heading back out. They decided to check in with each other in a few hours again. Once Fin got off he briefed Amanda on what had been said but she seemed really absentminded and he had to repeat himself.
"Okay, sounds good," Amanda mumbled without looking at him.
"You okay?" Fin asked.
"Just hungry," Amanda lied and kept watching the traffic.
She almost wished they would run upon a traffic accident just so they could drag out whatever was awaiting them at the station. No sign or help from above though, she should've known none would come, either luck or godly intervention ran in the Rollins family. The only thing you could count on being a Rollins was a threshold a little too high so you'd trip over it or losing money on even the safest bet. Count your blessings? What a load of crock. You had to fight in this life, Amanda had learnt that from a very young age. Nothing just landed in your lap, except trouble maybe. No, not even that. Just as she could hold herself accountable for the few achievements she'd had in life she was also responsible for many of the difficulties she'd found herself in. And there had been some serious trouble alright. Why couldn't she ever stay away from trouble? Why did she always cause trouble?
She felt her heart pounding a little as she walked in to the squad room. She'd let Fin take lead, falling behind him a step or two since being behind his steady frame usually made her feel secure and she felt in need of that right now. She spotted Liv in her office but she couldn't see Dodds just yet.
Liv spotted them too and came out. She looked sharp in black slacks and top covered by a grey, somewhat fancy blazer. Had it been for the conference? And why wasn't she still there? Liv smiled at them and it got Amanda even more worried.
"Dodds' on the phone, just hang your jackets and come in to my office," Liv said with an overly friendly tone. What the hell was going on here?
Fin shot Amanda a puzzled look over his shoulder as they hung their jackets.
"What's going on?" he asked, putting words on what had just been in her thoughts, but Amanda just shrugged. He walked ahead in to Liv's office as Amanda was dragging her feet a little. Liv had momentarily sat down behind her desk but got up as they walked in.
"You want me to…" Amanda asked and gestured to the door.
"Leave it, Dodds should be back any moment now," Liv smiled and leaned down against her desk slightly.
"What's going on?" Fin asked. He was hungry and not in the mood to be called in to the principal's office.
"Let's just wait for Dodds," Liv said and then turned towards Amanda and shot her another smile.
Fin sighed rather loudly as he shoved his thumbs down his jeans pockets, all he wanted was food and couldn't wait to get out of there. Amanda felt very uneasy. Liv kept throwing her somewhat nervous glances which didn't make her feel any calmer. She was so stuck in her own thoughts she didn't notice Dodds walking in and she jumped a little as he spoke right behind her.
"Sorry about that," he said closing the door behind him. As he passed Amanda he touched her elbow slightly which felt weird. She couldn't remember a time Dodds had ever touched her, they hadn't even shook hands. He walked up next to Liv and leaned down on the desk right beside her. He looked to Liv for a moment as he crossed his arms in front of him.
"Have you told her?" he asked Liv and Amanda found herself griping the visitor's chair in front of her but tried to not make it too obvious she was in need of support. Told her what? Had something happened to her sister? Her mom? No, why would Dodds be here for that?
"I was waiting for you," Liv said contemplating to add a sir at the end but restrained herself. Dodds hadn't really earned her respect.
"Okay," Dodds said and looked over at Amanda.
She felt a shiver go down her spine as the man pierced his blue eyes in her but she did her best to not show it. She could feel Liv's eyes resting on her as well but she didn't dare to meet those set of eyes.
"There's been a… an incident down at the hotel where most of the out of state participants at the law enforcement conference are staying," Dodds explained and thousand thoughts rushed through Amanda's brain but she did her best to focus on what he was saying. An incident? What did that mean?
"The incident involves some members of the Atlanta PD which I understand you transferred from," Dodds stopped talking and Amanda finally responded with a nod when she realized he was waiting for some form of response.
"Detective Reese Taymor and deputy chief Charles Patton," Dodds said next and Amanda was afraid everyone in the room would hear her heart as it started pounding what felt like out of her chest.
"Do you know anyone of them?" Dodds asked.
"I've never heard of Taymor," Amanda answered quickly.
"But Patton? You know him?" Dodds asked and Amanda somehow managed to nod.
"Who is he to you?" Dodds asked and Amanda cleared her throat a little.
"Deputy chief Patton was my superior officer for six years," she answered and was surprised just how calm she was able to sound. Dodds nodded while Amanda caught Liv stirring a little, she looked as uncomfortable as Amanda was feeling right now.
"Okay, and what else?" Dodds asked impatiently as though he'd expected her to tell him more.
"What else? I'm sorry sir but what is going on here? What's the incident?" she asked and tried to straighten up a little.
She could feel sweat leaking from her armpits and hoped her green top wouldn't give it away. She wished she'd more time this morning to choose something a little more comfortable. Right now everything felt very uncomfortable.
Dodds had given Liv a quick glance and she seemed to take it as her cue to jump in.
"Detective Reese Taymor was found unconscious in her hotel room this morning and I was called up since I was on sight and it also was suspected she'd been raped," Liv explained with that soft tone of hers which immediately made Amanda put up her guard. Raped? Why had they called her in there?
"Taymor mentioned Patton and they are both being processed at the hospital as we speak," Liv said.
"You've charged Patton with…" Amanda couldn't say it out loud but thankfully didn't have to as Liv started shaking her head.
"He's not charged yet," she explained, "There's some... things to sort out. We're bringing him in to question him."
"He's coming here?" Amanda asked and immediately wished she hadn't sounded so frantic. Liv nodded as she watched her intensely.
"I'm going to hold the interview," Dodds jumped in.
Both Liv and Fin reacted to the fact Dodds used interview and not interrogation. Amanda was more focused on the fact the walls seemed to be closing in on her right now, she had a little trouble breathing knowing Patton might be brought in like a suspect. And of rape.
"I'd like to know if you've heard or know anything that can be useful to me," Dodds kept going.
"Useful…" Amanda had a little trouble following.
"I'm asking if Patton is capable of something like this?" Dodds asked and sounded a bit offensive. Liv even felt him leaning against her slightly and felt a need to come to her detective's aid. She put her hand up in the air slightly to get Dodds to back off.
"Amanda you've talked about your previous precinct being a bit of a boy's club. Is Patton part of that boy's club?" Liv asked.
Amanda just watched her for a few seconds, she was still stuck on the fact her sergeant had called her by her first name, that rarely happened.
"That's just… I mean… What I meant was…" Amanda felt flustered, wishing she'd never mentioned that.
"He was condescending," Fin suddenly jumped in. He'd seen his partner struggle and wanted to jump in. He did get Dodds and Liv's eyes off her for a moment but she wasn't sure he helped out that much.
"He withheld information from you, from us," Fin continued, "He eyed you…"
"Eyed?" Dodds asked a little confused as he shook his head.
"Fin," Amanda pleaded. He wasn't helping.
"This isn't helping at all," Dodds said and got up on his feet throwing his hands out a little. Fin caught Amanda backing up a small step and he watched her with a little concern.
"I'm going to need to question him in just a little while, he's been accused of rape by one of his detectives," Dodds was obviously frustrated as he started pacing a little by the side of Liv's desk.
"A high ranking officer from out of state being accused of rape here in my city," Dodds went on.
"Sir, don't get ahead of yourself," Liv tried.
"She cried rape, we have to investigate," Dodds blurted out aiming his frustration at Liv.
"Cried?" Amanda questioned sensing something. Liv turned to her.
"When I got there, when I started questioning her, she withdrew her accusation," Liv explained.
"So why are you proceeding?" Amanda asked a little stunned but she swallowed hard as she caught Liv's eyes narrowing slightly.
"She had obvious defensive wounds," Liv said, "We always investigate rape claims."
"Of course," Amanda hurried to say.
"But he has a clean record," Dodds said with that same frustration in his tone, "This could get really awkward."
Liv seemed to ignore him and turned to Amanda instead.
"I would appreciate if you stayed in, since you know the department it would be helpful to have you here," Liv said. Amanda looked over to Fin, her eyes almost pleading for him to get her out of there. Liv turned to him too though.
"Can you handle the interviews on your own or join forces with Amaro or Carisi?" she asked him.
"I guess," he said, "If I'm not needed here?"
He would prefer to stay by Amanda's side, something told him she needed someone by her side right now. Liv shook her head though.
"We'll be fine here," she said.
"We need to catch lunch though," he said and gestured between himself and Amanda. Liv got on her feet. She looked to Dodds who'd kept pacing but now behind her desk. For some reason he came across a little as a cartoon right now, like he was about to blow and you could expect steam coming out of his ears.
"Go grab a bite and then hurry back okay," she said once she looked back over at Amanda, "Patton will be here soon though so don't take too much time."
She would've preferred to be able to exchange a few more words with Amanda but she rather do that when Dodds where not around anyway so she decided to let them go out for a while.
"Let's go," Fin said as he got up by Amanda's side and she still wasn't moving. She started moving towards the door and then headed straight for their jackets but he still sensed something was up with her. He tried to get eye contact with her but she was good at the evasive game and they got all the way down to the ground floor before he caught her eyes.
"Where you wanna go?" he asked but she just shrugged.
"Wanna get a sub since we don't have much time?" he suggested and she nodded.
He had to coax her along using his words as she seemed a little bewildered. They walked the block and took one turn to find the sandwich restaurant Fin had thought off and he held the door open for her. She'd been quiet all the way there and stayed quiet as they waited in line. He could tell a lot of things were going on inside his partner's mind right now and he could also tell this was one of those times when she didn't want him to ask anything about it.
When it was her time to order the cashier had to call for her attention as she was still lost in her thoughts. She ordered something random of the daily menu. It wasn't necessarily so strange as she wasn't shy of trying new things but he noticed that the sandwich she ordered had salami on it, one of few things she shied away from.
"Eat here or take with?" the cashier asked and to Fin's dissatisfaction she asked for a bag.
"You have time to sit down for a few minutes," he said over her shoulder.
"I better head back," she answered though without looking at him. She didn't wait for him to order and said bye the moment she'd gotten her change back.
The cashier had to call for Fin's attention as well as he was watching Amanda's back as she left the restaurant. He was really hungry but he still stepped out of line, hurried over to the door and felt calmer as he laid eyes on her again. She was walking slowly but determined in a straight line down the street. He wanted to call out after her but something made him not do it. He saw her toss her lunch bag in a bin right before she turned the corner and out of his sight.
Amanda felt completely blank inside. She felt stressed and her skin was crawling but on the inside… completely blank. Lots of thoughts and feelings bounced around inside her head, her chest and even down in her gut but none stuck. They came but then went away just as fast. Patton had raped a detective of his. He'd raped… a detective. She'd been found unconscious. Defensive wounds. But she'd retracted her statement. Maybe he didn't rape her? Maybe this would all go away? Maybe nothing had happened? Nothing at all.
She found herself back at the station's lot. She really didn't want to go back in but she knew she had to act as nothing was out of the ordinary. This was just an ordinary day, an ordinary case. Except it wasn't.
She stopped the moment she spotted him. Deputy chief Charles Patton was escorted from a car near the entrance by two plain clothed officers. A cold breeze caught his beige long coat as he walked up the stairs to her station and that same breeze hit her face seconds later and it felt as though it would knock her to the ground. She stumbled back a few steps but managed to keep upright. She turned around and covered her mouth with her hand. She couldn't do this. Why was this happening? Why now? Why here? She took a couple of deep breaths as she tried to steady herself. She had to steady herself. She had to walk inside now. She turned around before she could give it much more thought and walked up the same stairs that Patton had just walked up. She tried to act as everything was okay but she kept her eyes out to make sure she didn't catch up to Patton. She couldn't spot him as she walked in to her squad room and she hoped he'd already been brought down to one of the interrogations room. With a mirror between them things would be fine. Things would be okay.
She spotted Dodds and Liv in the office, they seemed to be talking. At least Dodds, his hands were gesturing and he seemed to be in his usual vigorous mood. Amanda hung her jacket and then walked up to her desk, contemplating to sit down until Liv called her back in. When she looked up though Liv already had her eyes on her and gestured Amanda inside. Reluctantly Amanda dragged herself in there and the judgmental look Dodds gave her as he spotted her didn't make it any easier to keep up appearance.
"This is Reese Taymor's file," Liv said and held out a manila file towards Amanda, "Take a look, maybe you recognize her after all?"
Amanda flipped the file open and found herself staring down into the blue eyes of a very pretty, blonde, young woman wearing a uniform. Her hair was pulled back and the ponytail resting over her left shoulder. Her face had that stern look but with that slight smile across her mouth. Amanda recognized it from her own photo and from many others she'd seen over the years.
She didn't recognize this woman though. Looking through her info it wasn't strange as she'd transferred from Tampt, Florida to Atlanta PD a couple of months after Amanda had left for New York. She'd made the move from officer to detective last year, pulled by Patton much like Amanda herself. She wondered if Sam had been involved as well. If Reese had done decoy and undercover operations for him just as Amanda had done?
"Rollins?" Liv said for a second time, raising her voice a little.
"Huh?" Amanda said looking up. Liv gave her a kind smile. Everything about this was bizarre.
"Anything stand out?" Liv asked keeping that smile over her face.
"There's not much here," Amanda said.
"No, you're right," Liv said and then looked to Dodds, "Maybe you should go in to him now?"
Amanda got a sick feeling in her gut and turned her head to the right immediately spotting Patton sitting at the table inside the interrogation room next to Liv's office. Her heart skipped a beat and for a moment she thought she was going to throw up. How had she not spotted him until now? She didn't think her legs would work but as she spun around she was actually able to move her feet the few steps it took for her to reach the window. Her skin started crawling again as Patton turned his head a little towards the window. She felt as though he was maybe able to tell she was out there but she knew that was silly and tried to push away the thought that he could actually see her through the mirror. But his eyes were so piercing. That black jacket, his red striped tie, his sophisticated grey hair neatly combed back. Reese didn't stand a chance. Patton would charm his way out of this. She was sure of it.
She got a vivid flashback of Patton all up in her face. His spit landing on her face as he cursed her out in front of a few of her squad mates. What was it about? She couldn't remember. All she remembered was how mortified he'd made her feel. Like a piece of shit and in front of her squad as well.
"You okay?" Liv asked as she stepped up by her side by the window. She touched her arm just a moment before she spoke and it made Amanda flinch.
"Yeah, of course," she answered a little too fast.
Dodds stepped through the door and Patton rose to his feet. Amanda watched Dodds greet Patton with a friendly smile and a sturdy handshake. He said something about what an honor it was to meet him, made it sound like Patton was some hotshot. She listen to Dodds say something about how sorry he was for making Patton miss the last day of the enforcement conference and Patton, with his usual urbane tone, replied that it certainly was a pity since New York had really treated them to great conference this year.
"Smooth talker," Liv stated and pulled Amanda back from a dark part of her mind. She hummed affirmative.
"Has he always been?" Liv asked and glanced a little sideways at Amanda. She just shrugged slightly though.
Dodds and Patton was still just small talking so Liv took the opportunity to dig a little.
"So you must have something on Patton having worked with him for six years," Liv said and caught Amanda's blues briefly.
"Fin found him condescending," Liv continued when Amanda still didn't say anything, "I actually shook his hand yesterday at an intermission, he came up and introduced himself, mentioned you…"
"Oh," Amanda breathed and Liv could tell she got a little interested. Liv nodded as she watched Patton for a while through the mirror.
"I didn't get to chat with him long but I got to say I got the same impression as Fin," Liv looked back over at Amanda but then Amanda turned her eyes away again. Liv observed her, thought about how to best probe further. She'd only swopped a few words with Patton yesterday, too few to really form a valid opinion of what type of man he was but she'd talked to Reese and gotten the impression she was afraid of the man sitting in the interrogation room right now. And Liv had a strong suspicion Amanda wasn't telling them everything she knew about this man either. She decided to lie.
"Just got a sense he didn't really approve of me as a sergeant and running this unit, got a feeling he thought that was a man's job," Liv said and Amanda again made a hum that sounded affirmative.
"Not sure I could've handled the boy's club down there," Liv said and finally Amanda replied.
"You adapt, when you don't know anything else you just go with it," Amanda said calmly as she kept watching Patton.
"How did you adapt Amanda?" Liv asked and caught Amanda's eyes shifting slightly her way. Amanda shrugged and Liv thought for a moment she wouldn't get any other answer.
"You act tougher than… you perhaps feel," Amanda said, her voice a little lower.
"You play the game. You let a few sneers go by, try and let them just slide off you. Don't take it personal. At least try not to."
Liv caught Amanda's corner of her mouth go up slightly but then dropped just as fast. Patton and Dodds shared a laugh inside the interrogation room and Liv caught the frown over Amanda's face.
"You have to prove yourself better constantly," Amanda continued and seemed to be in a bit of a daze, "That you can be counted on, relied on. That you can pull your weight. Be one of the boys."
Amanda gritted her teeth slightly.
"But… it's always in the way, the fact that you're a woman. They don't mind using it, decoy, honey traps, then it's all good to have a woman around but you're never an equal. You have to be on alert constantly. Keep your guard up, be ready to protect yourself cause it can happen at any time…"
Liv waited for Amanda to keep going but she remained quiet, a glaze over her eyes as she watched Patton.
"Things not worth pursuing?" Liv finally asked but regretted it the moment she saw the haze lift from Amanda's face and their eyes met.
"Did Patton do things not worth pursuing?" Liv still tried and searched for any emotion on Amanda's face. She thought she saw a tiny crack but it was ruined the moment someone knocked on her office door which made Amanda immediately avert her eyes down. An officer popped his head in.
"You said you wanted the result from the hospital the moment it arrived," he said apologetic.
"Ah yeah, of course," Liv said but felt bad for leaving Amanda's side if even for a moment.
She met the officer half way and accepted the envelope he handed to her. Liv thanked him and then immediately pulled out the paper to check the result. She let out a heavy sigh that made Amanda turn to glance her way. It was obviously not good news but Amanda was afraid to ask. Liv looked through the photos that were also in the envelope. It was images of detective Taymor's body. A photo of her wrist that had slight contusion marks. Another one of a bruise on her inner right thigh and a third one of apparent finger marks at the side of her neck. Liv put the paper over the photos as she walked up by Amanda's side again. She expected Amanda to ask her about the result but she didn't so Liv filled her in as she observed her.
"It's the result of the exam of detective Taymor," Liv said slowly, "There was semen present. Patton's."
Amanda clinched her jaw together but tried to keep her face otherwise still.
Inside the interrogation room Dodds had finally started to ask Patton about detective Taymor and what might've happened at the hotel last night. He asked about Patton's relationship with her and Patton cleared his throat a little.
"This girl and I were involved," Patton said stoic and then raised his hand slightly showing of his wedding ring, "As you can probably tell it is somewhat sensitive. I had an affair, we had an affair. I'm not proud of it but it did happen."
"You used were, when did this affair end?" Dodds questioned carefully. Patton seemed to have to think about it.
"A couple of months ago I guess," Patton answered a bit too casually, "Sometime back in August I would estimate."
"But last night, you slipped perhaps?" Dodds suggested. Patton looked a bit amused.
"Open bar, nice hotel room, different city, yes I might've slipped," Patton answered with the smile lingering, "Have you seen her? She's not not a looker that one."
Dodds nodded and smiled as well.
"She's certainly not bad looking but the problem is… she's saying it wasn't consensual," Dodds said, again watching his words carefully. Patton looked a bit shocked but shook it off quickly and put out his hands a little disarming as he leaned back on his chair.
"Sounds to me like she's having a bit of remorse this morning, I dunno what to tell you Dodds, she was pleasantly consensual last night," Patton smiled.
On the other side of the mirror Liv let out a offended sound which made Amanda glance her way.
"Another thing found during her exam," Liv explained, "traces of ketamine in her blood."
Liv had turned to meet Amanda's eyes as she told her this and caught the slight expansion of her eyeballs but Amanda found herself quickly.
"But Taymor retracted, she said she wasn't…"
Again Amanda couldn't say the word.
"Maybe she's ashamed?" Liv suggested, "Maybe she's afraid of her superior officer? Maybe she's playing the game to fit in with the boy's club? That wouldn't be so strange now would it Amanda? We could understand that right?"
Amanda couldn't breathe, she felt unable to look away and she couldn't give any form of affirmative answer that she felt Liv was expecting of her right now.
"The drug in her blood and these marks," Liv said and got the photos up and handed them to Amanda, "tells me she wasn't a willing participant. Or what do you say?"
Liv kept watching Amanda as she looked through the three photos.
"Maybe she likes it rough, nothing wrong with that," Amanda said with barely a whisper. Liv waited to say something until she had Amanda's eyes again.
"Or maybe she was raped," Liv suggested.
Amanda handed her back the photos, doing her best to keep her hand steady as she did. She broke the stare by looking back inside the interrogation room where Dodds seemed to be a little irresolute on how to go on.
"I should probably get this to Dodds, he seems to need it to conduct a proper interrogation of Patton," Liv said after a brief silence on both sides of the mirror. She was hoping Amanda would say something but she just couldn't wait. They had to pursue Patton and it seemed like Dodds had lost his spunk so Liv felt obliged to step in. She put the photos down in the envelope but kept the lab results up at the front as she left Amanda's side and stepped in to the room.
The moment Liv had closed the door behind her Amanda took a deep breath that stalked up in her throat. Her chest hurt. Her entire being hurt. She felt as though she was coming down with the worst of flus.
"Sergeant Benson," Amanda heard Patton say with played enthusiasm as Liv entered and walked up to Dodds. Liv shot him a brief but superficial smile. Liv put the envelope and paper down in front of Dodds and pointed to the line where it said that semen was found and who it matched with. She then pointed to the tox result. Patton seemed a little amused by their attempts to play interrogation leaders and he chuckled a little.
"Say Sergeant," Patton said while Dodds frowned at what he was reading, "is Amanda around? I wouldn't mind just saying hi to her."
Amanda saw Liv glance towards the window and it made Patton do the same. Amanda met his eyes through the window. He definitely knew she was there now and the thought of having to actually face him scared the hell out of her. She rushed out of Liv's office, contemplated leaving her jacket behind but realized she needed it so she turned back to grab it but then ran as fast as she could out of the squad room. She took the stairs, apologized to several people that she bumped in to in her attempts to make a fast getaway out of the station house. She ran over the lot as fast as her legs carried her. She was set on getting as far away from this place as possible. As far away from that man as possible. From him and the destruction he brought. This was it. What she'd feared for years now. That time when her past would catch up to her and her world would surely crumble.