Sorry it's taken so long to update. That episode was hard to process. It messed a little with my writing as I was also planning of using Amanda's sister, following Patton's pattern to use upsetting times in the women's life to get close to them. So it was just hard to write when knowing what length Amanda truly went to, to protect her sister.
As for the episode I'm still torn. The writers really made it tricky didn't they?! Amanda was obviously raped but I can see how that will be hard for her to get her head around. I can't see this as the turning point for her, I see a lot of destructive behavior still in store for her & it both pains me but also thrills me cause c'mon Kelli can really pull that off so darn good. But the lack of support from her new squad upsets me. She made a teeny tiny step with Liv but I still expected more from Liv. Fin did good at first but he should not have let her walk off like that on her own.
As for Rollaro - Amanda was slutshamed (unrightfully so from what I understand) down in Atlanta & she never slept around like Patton suggested to Dodds. But in NY she's actually bedded another detective so I can't see that as a good thing if they leave it like this, not for Amanda's well-being. And I refuse to believe it was all about sex, Amanda was obviously invested in him. As for Nick I'm not so sure & it's my biggest problem with Rollaro so far, I'd always thought their roles should've been reversed, he should've been the 'needy' one. But anywho, this would be a perfect time for Nick to step up, take it to a serious level & show the support he should. This would actually have been a better time to introduce Rollaro to be honest.
I don't think we've learnt everything Patton put her through either. The rape occurred 5 years ago which means she had to have worked for him for over a year after it happened. And it's my belief that the 'out of line' that Sam mentioned in episode Strange Beauty was something that happened closer to her transfer, something that was a little more public. Speaking off, damn I so wanted Sam to be a good guy but no, he's no better than Patton.
Okay so the new chapter, major trigger warnings so be kind to yourselves. It's basically 'just' the big reveal. There will be one more pre-trail chapter & at least two after-trial chapters. I got a kinda cute Amanda/Liv bit planned out &, as promised, a Rollaro chapter. I've never really written Barba before, I liked it but I'm not sure I got the hang of him just yet. Kind & careful reading! XO
Chapter 7
"Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies." ~ Dorothy Allison, Bastard Out of Carolina
Liv put her foot on the break, tires shrieked and she missed the car in front of her by no more than an inch. The angry driver behind the wheel of the car that almost got Liv's front planted in his side door honked and shoved his hand in the air at her. She waved apologetic but silently wished she'd just rammed him because he was not getting out of the way quick enough.
Just a few minutes ago she'd received a phone call from Barba.
"Barba?" she answered the moment she saw his name in the display, she knew he had the deposition with Amanda down at the courthouse.
"Get down here," was all he said. She rose to her feet immediately.
"What happened?" she'd asked as she got her things together. There had been a silent pause and she'd almost repeated her question afraid that he'd missed it.
"Just… get down here," he'd said and then hung up. Get down here. His words echoed inside her head as she was able to take off again. It must be about Amanda. Had she said something? Disclosed something? Barba could be tricky to decipher but he'd never been this cryptic. Get down here? Had Amanda never arrived? Was he pissed? Thoughts kept swirling inside her head as she steered her way down towards the courthouse. She couldn't get there fast enough.
She parked the car, ran across the open space in front of the courthouse and up the stairs. The guards were already watching her suspiciously but she slid her coat to one side and showed the badge on her hip so they let her pass, even held up the door for her. She ran up the stairs towards Barba's office but found it empty. She dialed his number and waited impatiently for him to answer.
"I'm here but where are you?" she asked the moment he answered.
Once Amanda had disclosed her big secret to Barba they'd just looked at each other for a while. Amanda trying to bite down the tears that threaten to consume her if she let go and Barba trying to calm himself down. He was a prosecutor, he should be able to conduct himself. It wasn't the first time he'd heard such a confession on the stand but yet he found himself completely dumbfounded, a state her rarely found himself in if ever. Amanda's face finally crumbled and she bowed her head down, ashamed and wanting nothing but to crawl in to that corner down by her feet.
"Do you want to…" he started but stumbled on his own words, "You want to go on?"
"Can I…" she tried to speak but her voice failed her. She'd seen tears fall from her eyes and she tried wiping them off without detection but of course that was impossible.
"I can't," she whispered and got up. He was still just about a yard in front of the stand and in her path of flight. She stumbled slightly getting down from the stand and he raised his hands ready to catch her if she fell but she gasped and shied away from him. He pulled his hands back, sensing her fear of him and his proximity. So he got out of her way and she picked up speed walking by him.
"Amanda," he called after her unsure what he could do or should do. It just made her pick up speed as she glanced back a little and then she close to ran out of there. He was a little stunned but found himself rather quickly, gathering together his papers on the desk and then grabbing her jacket off the railing. He took off after her but walked out to an empty hallway.
He walked faster than he'd ever done before within the walls of this building that he proudly called work, took the stairs down all the way to the entrance. He asked the guards if a blonde woman had run passed them but got a negative so he hurried back up.
"Amanda?" he called out as he walked back down the corridor expecting to find her hiding somewhere. Coming around the bend he spotted a woman, he recognized the young clerk.
"Are you looking for a blonde woman? Dressed in black?" she asked and Barba nodded walking up to her.
"She's in there," the clerk said and gestured to the ladies room she'd just exited.
"Thank you," he said relieved and very grateful as he started to walk over there.
"She's throwing up," the woman let him know, "and she says she doesn't want any help."
"Okay, thank you, I got it," Barba said and walked over to the door. He froze right outside though, listening to the heels of the clerk walking away with hesitant steps. What would he say? How could she comfort her?
He knew he had to try though and carefully glanced the door open.
"Amanda?" he called out to let her know who it was. He could hear someone in there, sounded like paper getting pulled inside one of the stalls.
"Are you okay?" he asked immediately regretting asking that. Of course she wasn't okay.
"Just give me a minute?" her fragile voice came from one of the stalls.
"Of course," he said but found himself lingering.
"I'll be right outside," he finally said and stepped back out.
He felt reluctant to let go off the door but she'd asked for a minute so he would have to give her that. Once he'd let go off the door he took a few steps backwards and ended up just watching the door for a few seconds. He realized he had no idea what to do. He was in need of help so he called Liv.
It had taken more than a minute before she'd finally walked out. He had just started thinking about going back in, getting a little worried about what she might be up to in there. Walking closer to the door though he'd heard the water run so he figured she was out of the stall at least and he gave her some more time. She'd been unable to look him straight in the eyes as she finally stepped out and she'd kept standing in the door for a few seconds.
"I called Liv," he admitted not knowing what else to say just that someone had to say something and it had to be him, "She's on her way."
Her face crumbled slightly but eased up quickly. She looked pale. He could tell she'd washed her face, parts of her bangs slightly damp. She was biting at the inside of her cheek.
"Why don't we go sit down in a room down the hall while we wait, get you something to drink," Barba suggested. She nodded but it took a few beats before she actually got herself moving. He walked by her side. It looked as though she reached slightly for her jacket but he said he would carry it for her and she let him.
"This should be empty," he said and let her in to one of the courtroom's witness rooms.
"Have a seat wherever you want to sit," he said and went over to put her jacket on the hanger by the wall. She sat down on one of the four chairs around the table and squirmed a little as though she couldn't find a comfortable position.
"You want something to drink?" he asked and met her blue eyes briefly. She nodded.
"Yes please," she whispered and then swallowed hard.
"I'll get something from the vending machine, I'll be right back," he said.
He'd left his papers on the table and started digging around his pocket for some change. Thankfully he always kept a few dollar bills in both his jacket and pants knowing he would sooner or later need a snack during work hours. He liked snacks. By the vending machine he found himself trying to remember what she'd ordered to drink whenever they had lunch together but he could not for his life recall that right now. Maybe he'd never even taken notice of it? He should really pay more attention to the people around him he told himself as he picked all four different flavors of soda and listened to them drop down the machine. He thought about getting some snacks as well from the other vending machine but that could turn a little precarious so he just brought the drinks back in to her. Of course he went through the door too quickly and he caught her wincing.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled as he closed the door and came over to her.
"I wasn't sure what you wanted," he explained as he but all four cans down. She seemed to grab the one closest to her and he told her to be careful it wouldn't splatter her. He could tell her hand was a little shaky as she brought the can to her lips but the cool liquid seemed to sit well with her as she let out a deep breath as she put it down again.
"Do you want something else?" he asked but she just shook her head at him trying to give him a smile but it faded quickly. He sat down on the chair opposite her, pulled it out to make sure he wouldn't crowd her. The silence got awkward quickly. He found himself unable to look anywhere than at her even though she obviously felt uncomfortable under his watchful eye.
"We should wait for Liv right?" he finally asked as his head was about to explode by sitting quiet. She looked a little uncertain, shrugging slightly.
"Yeah we probably should," he said, putting his leg down so he could fold the other one over instead.
She kept fingering her soda can, had some of it every now and then. Barba checked his watch a couple of times but tried to do it smoothly. She noticed though. She felt oddly blank inside. Wiped out somehow. Only thing she felt was some fear, fear of having to face Liv and not knowing what to say to her. She'd said A, she'd said the R word, would she have to tell the rest now? How could she when she couldn't even remember what she had for breakfast this morning? Did she even have breakfast? She must've had something cause something had come up when she'd just thrown up. She'd spent years telling herself nothing had happened. What if she couldn't remember now? What if she'd really forgotten what had happened?
She jumped slightly as Barba's phone went off. He jumped too and fumbled to get his phone up.
"It's Liv, just a second," he told Amanda and walked out the door as he answered.
He guided Liv upstairs and then hung up as he heard her steps on the stairs. She looked flushed once he got a better look at her, like she'd run all the way over there and for all he knew she could've, certainly felt as they'd waited that long for her to get there.
"What's going on?" she breathed even before she reached him. He shot the door which Amanda sat behind a look and took a couple of steps away from it, racing his hand a little at Liv to get her to settle down.
"What?" she asked anxiously as she reached him.
"She's in there," he said cocking his head towards the door closest to them.
"Barba what happened?" she asked impatiently.
"You'll need to take her statement," he said cryptically and she looked confused.
"Statement for what?" she asked shaking her head.
"Her… rape," Barba said carefully.
"Her…?" Liv asked but wasn't capable of repeating his words. Barba started nodding.
"So Patton…?" Again Barba nodded. Liv frowned.
She closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead as she took a step sideways so she could lean slightly against the wall. She felt sick to her stomach. She'd known Amanda kept some secret but even if her behavior hinted at that secret being something major Liv had hoped it wasn't rape. Not that a rape attempt or long term sexual harassment were any better but a rape just felt so… final.
"How's she doing?" Liv asked once she'd sorted out the emotions inside. Barba had given her time to do so. He wasn't sure how to answer her question though and shrugged slightly.
"Composed right now," he mused, "Not so composed in the lavatory a while ago, I think she regurgitated."
Liv nodded, at any other time she might have been amused by Barba's choice of words but right now amusement was far, far off. She tried gathering herself by taking a few deep breaths. Amanda needed her to bring her a-game right now. She gave Barba another look and then walked over to the door. She met Amanda's anxious blue eyes the moment she opened the door. She looked very pale to Liv, frail even.
"Hey," Liv said softly as she walked in. Amanda tried to smile, Liv's presence made it hard for her to talk. This was really happening. Liv chose the chair opposite Amanda, it was already pulled out. Liv took her jacket off and hung it on the back of the chair before she had a seat.
"Do you want me to leave?" Barba asked. He'd walked up to the table after Liv but wasn't sure if Amanda wanted him here for this or not.
"You'll have to hear it later right?" Amanda whispered, voice almost failing her. Barba nodded.
"Stay," she said looking down on her clutched hands on the table.
She didn't really want Barba to hear this at all but being alone with Liv freaked her out even more. Barba walked around her and had a seat next to her but again pulled out his chair slightly to not crowd her. Even though she was looking down she was fully aware of where he was, she could feel Liv's eyes on her as well but she didn't dare to look up just yet. Just breathe. It will be okay. They'll believe you. They are not going to call you a liar. They wouldn't right?
"Amanda," Liv tried carefully seeing how her chest started to rise and fall a little heavier.
"I'm sorry," Amanda said as she looked up, "I should've told you. Told you sooner. I shouldn't have… I should've told you."
She knew she was rambling but she couldn't help herself. She felt so stupid.
"Amanda, it's okay," Liv tried but Amanda wasn't hearing her.
"I know I have a duty to, I should've told you. I just couldn't. I'm sorry. I don't know why I just didn't tell you…"
"Amanda," Liv said again, leaning in and reaching out over the table to get her attention by touching her hand. Amanda's eyes popped open though as she saw Liv's hand approach and she pulled back her clasped hands before Liv reached them.
"It's okay," Liv said, putting her palms up unthreatening, "And you have nothing to be sorry about."
Amanda frowned though.
"If I…" she started but had to start over as her voice failed her, "Reese. If I had told, back then, she wouldn't have… I can never fix that now."
"What you're doing right now Amanda," Liv said extremely sincerely, "that will help Reese. It will help her."
"Too late though," Amanda said fighting hard to not start crying. If she started crying now she would never get through this, she knew that and fought it with all she had.
"Try to not think about that right now Amanda," Liv begged, still leaning in over the table but she'd put her hands down a few inches from Amanda's. Amanda tried to swallow the guilt down, it tasted bad though and it made her chest hurt even more. Liv sat back a little, exchanged a glance with Barba. He looked very collected right now and Liv tried to fuel some of that from him. She reached down inside her pocket and got her phone, her pad and a pen out.
"Is it okay with you if I record this?" she asked before she did anything else. Amanda looked at Liv's phone like it was a big threat but then she still nodded.
"I promise no one else will listen to it unless you've approved it," Liv said as she put her recorder on and placed the phone between them but a little to the side so it wouldn't bother Amanda too much. It didn't seem to help though as Amanda kept staring at it.
"Amanda can you tell me what happened?" Liv asked softly and pulled her attention away from the recorder.
"You mean about…" Amanda asked a little uncertain but didn't finish the sentence. Liv nodded, smiling softly. Amanda's eyes darted a little back and forth, landed briefly on Barba as she turned her head slightly but then went down to her hands on the table as she pulled them off and down to her lap. She swallowed hard.
"We'd closed a case… that week, it was a… Thursday and we had a few beers at the station and then… went on to a… bar, a bar where we hung out often."
"Can you remember the exact date?" Liv interrupted. Amanda nodded and gave her a date about eight months before she transferred. Liv took note of it and told Amanda to continue.
"He'd been on me even earlier at the station…"
"Been on you?" Liv questioned. Amanda squirmed a little.
"My sister… she'd gotten in some… trouble," by the look on Amanda's face it was more than a little trouble, "It wasn't the first time and Patton… he was always sympathetic when she caused drama."
Liv watched Amanda's eyes drift off somewhere. Even though Barba was sitting by her side he could tell she drifted off too and he exchanged a glance with Liv.
"Amanda?" Liv tried and brought her back to the room. Liv gave her a soft smile but Amanda kept her tense face. She squirmed again.
"Sympathetic how?" Liv asked when Amanda remained quiet. Amanda glanced Barba's way and he felt as though maybe it would've been better if he wasn't present after all. He was obviously making her unsettled right now and made it harder for her to say whatever it was she was about to say.
"Tell me," Liv begged and got Amanda to look her way, "It's okay, tell me."
Amanda frowned but then took a deep breathe to settle herself.
"Everyone knew everything about everyone back there, you couldn't really get around it so they knew about… my family… troubles, and when my sister…," Amanda took a deep breath before she continued, "When she went off her meds she started getting in serious trouble, the kind that landed her in the arrest you know. And everyone knew, looked at you but didn't really talk about it. But Patton… he was sympathetic, he showed… concern. Wanted to… be there."
Amanda bit her lip, her eyes had long ago swayed from Liv's. She kept her head down, watched her hands grasp desperately at each other. She couldn't fiddle now, she knew she had a tendency to do so when she was nervous. Her mom had called her out on it several times. Calling her bluff as she tried to stay strong, stay resilient to her mom's bullying. Why was she thinking about that right now? Wasn't she already in a tough spot, did she really have to go there as well?
"Amanda," Liv called for her attention again and Amanda felt stupid for yet again spacing out.
"I'm sorry," she said quickly and tried to sit up a little on her chair.
"Don't worry about it," Liv said softly, "We're in no hurry."
Amanda tried to relax. She knew Liv was just being kind, surely they couldn't sit there all day with her. Barba had court… no she couldn't think about that now.
"Okay?" Liv asked when Amanda took another deep breath. Amanda nodded.
"So he called me in to his office, said he wanted to lend his support," Amanda was surprised to hear herself talk so clearly suddenly and she carried on as she had momentum going, "And he said he would do whatever he could to help out. It was the same thing every time though. He'd come around his desk, sit on the chair beside you or even on the arm of my chair. He'd…"
Suddenly her words stalked up and she had to take another deep breath to calm herself down.
"He'd put an arm around you, or rub your shoulders a little. He liked to touch the back of my neck. And that was while he comforted, while he lend his support. But then… as he said he could help his hand… wandered."
Amanda had to take a break and unclasped her hands as they were starting to hurt. It didn't take long though until she'd closed each fist on each leg, every now and then rubbing her knuckles against her thigh.
"He'd touch my face, brush his finger over my lips. He put his thumb inside my mouth once," Amanda frowned at the memory and swallowed hard, it had felt so intrusive, "He would put his lips on my neck. His hand went down… over my… chest and he would… fondle?" She wasn't really sure what word to use but Liv seemed to get it as she glanced up briefly at her.
"His hand was on my thigh, sliding up… but I'd just sit there you know. I mean I didn't tell him to stop."
Her cheeks were burning with embarrassment and she looked at Liv with shameful eyes.
"You just sat there cause he was your superior officer and he made it sound like if you'd let him do that, he would help your sister get out of lock up," Liv said as though she didn't put any guilt on Amanda and Amanda felt a sense of relief. She nodded.
"So he used his authority to intimidate you Amanda. He did wrong here, not you," Liv reassured her as she could tell Amanda needed it. Amanda was able to take a shivering breath.
"How often did this occur Amanda?" Liv asked.
"I guess my sister's rap sheet will tell you that," Amanda said a little jokingly but her smile faded quickly.
"So every time she got arrested. And did it stop with just the fondling? The touching?" Liv asked carefully. Amanda looked reluctant to answer but Liv just gave her the time she needed.
"When he… He tried to get inside… my… clothes, I… couldn't, I mean then it felt… too much, too intrusive, I mean it did even before that but…"
"He'd reached your limit," Liv said helping her out and Amanda nodded.
"So then I got up, ran out of there."
"Did he let you? I mean he didn't grab you or order you to get back inside?" Liv asked but Amanda shook her head.
"And did your sister get off? Did he still come true to his word to help out?"
"She's never been to prison," Amanda just stated. She wasn't sure if it was Patton's doing, Amanda pleading to the judge or prosecutor each time or just the sheer, stupid luck of her sisters.
"And what happened that night? That night you celebrated closing a case? Before you got to the bar."
"This time it was… I mean she had felony charges, she'd really gotten herself in trouble this time. I knew it was really bad. And he told me that as well… when he called me in to his office. He said it wouldn't just go away if I didn't… I mean he didn't say it but I knew what he meant."
"What did he mean Amanda?"
"That if I slept with him he would make her charges go away."
"So you…" Liv had a bad feeling in her gut. She wouldn't blame Amanda if she'd let Patton oppress her into it but it would make the situation that more trickier, mostly for Amanda herself. Amanda's face crumbled a little.
"He kissed me. He was inside my top… and I just started feeling really sick to my stomach. I… just couldn't, let that happen. I wanted my sister to… I mean I didn't want her to go to jail but I just couldn't."
"You should never have been put in that situation Amanda," Liv tried to console as she could tell how grief-stricken she was about what she seemed to think of as failing her sister, "He abused his power. That was not your fault Amanda."
Liv gave her some time to compose herself again as the guilt was obviously riding her.
"You think you can tell me what did happen?" Liv tried after a while.
"I was really upset, I mean even before I left his office. Like my sister was going to jail, I believed, and what happened with Patton… I just felt really… like I drank… a lot," the look Amanda gave Liv told just how much she'd been drinking.
"I just wanted to get wasted that night. Like drown everything. Forget everything. Patton was still around, he offered me a beer, in a bottle, but I'd gone over to harder stuff and turned him down, and just got away from him. I didn't want to be around him. I mean I thought I was safe with the others. And when we came to the bar I didn't really see him. He usually didn't come to the bar anyway but someone told me he was still around but at that point I was just… well I didn't care about anything else than having a good time."
Amanda shot Liv a crocked smile accompanied with a slight shrug. Liv smiled back. She didn't hold it against Amanda that she got drunk but since it sounded like something would happen that night she wished Amanda would've been sober enough to fend for herself and that she'd been able to change the outcome of the night.
"I shouldn't have had so much to drink, that was so stupid of me," Amanda whispered.
"Don't blame yourself Amanda," Liv tried but could tell it was futile, "Can you tell me what happened?"
"That's it though," Amanda said, face crumbling, "I don't really know. I was having a good time and then everything just went blank. And I mean completely blank. I don't know how I got out of there, how I got home but I woke up in my bed the morning after. And I could just feel something was wrong."
Amanda needed a few seconds to collect herself but then she blurted it all out;
"I was completely nude. I don't sleep in the nude. My clothes were spread around the bed. There was no sign of anyone else. I had a really hard time getting out of bed. My head was spinning, my mouth dry. I felt sick to my stomach, I puked later on. I felt drowsy. I put a tee on and took a look around as best I could, I had a really hard time controlling my legs. My keys were on the table in the living room. I usually put them on a knob by the door. The door was unlocked. I mean someone had been there. I just knew it. And I mean… I was drunk but I hadn't had a night one stand since college, I usually don't… do that. But I could feel that… someone had… I mean someone had been in that bed with me."
"Did you have marks on your body?" Liv asked carefully.
"I didn't really check first, I just went in to the shower. I felt disgusted with myself so I just needed a shower. And that's when I started to… get I dunno if it was flashbacks or what it was but I kept seeing… Patton's face hovering like over me. But I mean I've had nightmares about him before so I thought that might be it. I really didn't want to believe it."
Amanda searched for Liv's eyes, seemed in need of understanding or perhaps acceptance and Liv gave it to her by smiling softly at her and she whispered a 'it's okay' to reassure her. It seemed to be enough for Amanda to wise up a little and she took a deep breath before she continued;
"I had slight bruising on the inside of my thighs, I mean not much but… yeah. I kept throwing up and I kept feeling drowsy for like a day. I managed to get to the drugstore and I got a day after pill just to be sure. I worked that weekend and people kept telling me I was wasted Thursday. They made fun of me but at least no one… mentioned that I had…," Amanda squirmed a little, "I asked Sam if he knew how I got home Thursday but he didn't know. He'd seen me heading towards the bathrooms and then… he didn't know."
"Did you see Patton that day?" Liv asked. Amanda shook her head.
"No he came in Monday. He didn't look at me, like for weeks. Like he avoided me and I kept pretending that it was because I'd turned him down. That his ego was just… hurt or something. I mean at least he didn't call me to his office or humiliate me in front of the squad."
"What happened to your sister? Did she go to jail?"
Again Amanda shook her head to Liv's question.
"She got probation, her lawyer told me it was unbelievable. Like they had downgraded her charges. Patton must've… come through."
"In exchange for…?" Liv didn't really know what to call it. Amanda nodded.
"I don't mean this to sound inconsiderate but Amanda, how do you know it was Patton and not someone else?" Liv had to ask this question.
Amanda bit down on her lip, hard, it whitened under her teeth. Liv could see a slight shiver going through Amanda's body and it looked as though Amanda wanted to squirm out of her own skin.
"Cause he…" she started once she'd let her lip go but her voice failed her and she had to start over, "Cause he told me the second time."
"Man is the cruelest animal." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
"The… second time?" Liv asked chocked. Amanda just nodded, keeping her eyes down and away from Liv's. Liv thought she'd reached the level of how much disgust you could feel for another person but she'd been wrong. This creep was walking her streets right now? He should've been put behind bars long ago.
"Do you need to take a break Amanda?" Liv asked. She wasn't even sure Amanda was breathing at this point, she seemed to have shut down completely.
"No," Amanda said though, her voice frail but still steady somehow. She rubbed her knuckles over the extended bruise that covered the outside of her thigh. The physical pain helped her focus back on the task at hand. There was no going back now. She had to let it all out there. The whole, grizzly truth that had kept her prisoner for so many years.
Liv tried helping her along.
"So for weeks he stayed away from you, no inappropriate touches, no official scoldings. When did that change?"
She had to tell. But she felt so stupid. Why hadn't she reported the first time? She had felt something was wrong. That she'd been with someone, that someone had… been inside of her. She'd been drowsy the next day, vomited throughout the day, not had her usual appetite, and she had no idea how she'd gotten herself from the bar to her home. She'd never drank herself to the point of blackouts before but still she'd told herself that it was all just that, signs of too much alcohol and a bad hung-over that followed. How stupid was that? And even if she'd been piss drunk, she was a special victims detective, she knew that didn't give someone the right to… violate her like that. She'd been extremely stupid for drinking that much but it wasn't her fault. Right? But she'd told herself it was all on her. The burden was hers and the price she paid for being too afraid to investigate what had really happened that night. And now here she was, having to fess up to her stupidity. She had no business being a detective. How could she…
"Amanda," Liv called for her attention and her eyes darted up, meeting Liv's kind brown ones.
"Have something to drink why don't you," Liv suggested and pushed the open can towards her. Both Liv and Barba watched her lift the can to her lips with a shaky hand. Liv could see the nail in-prints in the palm of her other hand as it rested on the table as she drank.
"Better?" Liv asked with a kind smile when Amanda put the can back down. Amanda was about to nod, even started to but then shook her head.
"What's wrong Amanda?" Liv asked doing her best to restrain from reaching over the table and clutching on to her hand. Amanda's eyes swept briefly towards Barba but never got all the way there.
"I should've…" she breathed once her eyes landed back on the table in front of her, "I should've known better. I should've gone to the hospital. I should've…"
"You should've been able to trust your superior officer Amanda," Liv said over Amanda's frail voice, "That's all you should've had to do."
For the first time since Liv got there a tear ran down Amanda's cheek but she hurried to wipe it away.
"I thought I was drunk, that I… did that to myself. But he drugged me right? He used Ketamine on me as well?" Amanda looked to Liv for the answer and Liv gave it by nodding slowly.
"I believe he did," she added to reassure her. Amanda's eyes crumbled but she managed to keep the tears inside somehow.
"So stupid. So careless," Amanda mumbled shaking her head a little.
"Don't do that Amanda," Liv said, "Don't go there, you know better than that."
Do I? The question echoed inside Amanda's head. Was she really fit do be a detective? Wasn't she to blame for Reese getting raped? She could've prevented it had she reported Patton. Surely that was her fault?
"Can you go on?" Liv asked and Amanda was a little relieved to get out of her own thoughts. She sat up a little straighter again, she kept slouching. Her mom would slap her over the head if she caught her doing that. She gave Liv a nod and noticed that she flicked the recorder on her phone back on, she'd missed when she'd turned it off.
"So can you remember when deputy chief Patton got back to his old ways?" Liv asked watching Amanda's face carefully to make sure she really was okay to go on. Amanda inhaled deeply and tried to think back.
"I guess it was gradually," she said having to clear her throat a little to get her voice back, "He started addressing me again, by my name again, and then I guess it was a couple of weeks after that night we were doing this sting and I was being… or going, as a prostitute. We were heading out but he called me back in to the squad room and he… asked me to… take a spin."
Amanda squirmed a little on her chair. She started to realize how bad things really had been down there. For some reason she'd just gotten used to it. Yes, she'd felt humiliated, embarrassed, but she'd just learnt to expect it. Best she could hope for was someone standing up for her, telling Patton or whoever it was to lay off, but most of the time they all just snickered right along and this had been one of those times.
"I did," Amanda said with a sigh, "but it wasn't good enough so he told me to go again a little faster. He seemed satisfied after the second time and then he told me that all I needed to do now was to get as drunk as I was a couple of weeks back and I would really have the part down to a t."
Liv had to control herself to not growl. This man was despicable, an embarrassment to their force. They got through another few obvious breach of conduct from Patton's part. They learnt that her sister had jeopardized her probation a few months later and Patton had been up to his old tricks calling her in to his office. But this time she'd refused to have a seat knowing what to expect if she did sit down. So she remained standing. He'd become really nasty, spitting threats right in to her ear about how grateful she should be. He'd called her a bitch a few times but she'd escaped as a sergeant knocked on Patton's door. She'd fled the scene.
There had been a few 'parties' and now they'd moved the recreation room down to the cellar. It had more space but Patton still managed to corner her ever so often. She restrained from drinking though, she got a few digs about it, but the few times she did have a beer she made sure she was the one that took the cap off. Maybe she had played with the thought that she was drugged after all? Patton often offered her drinks, always getting pissed when she refused to accept them. She got called an ungrateful bitch several times.
Liv could tell on Amanda's body language when they got closer to the point of the second rape. It was like her skin crawled and even Barba, who'd been sitting extremely still with only minor facial cracks throughout Amanda's recount, seemed affected as he started stirring as well.
Amanda dug her nail in to the palm of her other hand. She had to stay focus. She could feel her breathe picking up and she could not freak our right now. She knew she had the worst part left but it wasn't like all that other stuff didn't paint her in a bad way. How could she have let herself be treated like that? What kind of detective did that make her? What integrity did she have after revealing all of this? What credibility would she have in the eyes of the others? Of Liv? Fin? Nick would surely regret ever touching her. This was bad.
"Amanda?" Liv said sensing her becoming absent-minded. Amanda nodded and then gave Liv a date. Liv wrote it down.
"It was a Friday," Amanda said peeking up underneath her bangs but quickly shied her eyes away from Liv's again, "One of the guys had a birthday that week. There was a cake… and a stripper."
"A stripper? At the station?" Liv questioned.
"Not the first time and I'm pretty sure not the last time either," Amanda mumbled digging several nails in to her palm now. She had to get this out now or she wasn't sure she could do this, she'd glanced towards the door a few times and the urge to run there was getting stronger by the second. She took a deep breath and kept talking.
"We were running low on cups and someone said there were more upstairs. I volunteered to get some, it would get me away from there for a while and…" She recalled how the guys had urged her on to put dollar bills down the stripper's skimpy bottoms. She'd never understood guys longing to see two women together and never did she escape getting a lap dance from the many strippers that passed through the station during "off-hours".
"So I went upstairs," Amanda said trying to shrug off the uneasy feeling, "The upstair recreation room had quickly become storage for all sorts of things and it was hard to find anything in there. It took me a while but then I found the cups. When I turned around though… he was standing in the door way."
"Deputy chief Patton?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded.
"Aha," she breathed.
"What happened?" Liv asked as she could tell Amanda had a hard time continuing, she kept swallowing over and over again. Liv had picked up on Amanda's glances towards the door and she figured she would much rather get out of there than to tell them this so her aim was to try and help Amanda just get through this as quickly as possible.
"I got startled, I guess I jumped, almost lost hold of the cups. Patton laughed. Said he didn't think it was possible to sneak up on such a skilled detective. I didn't move… cause… well he was in the way, I didn't know what to do. His face changed, he got serious. And he told me he wanted to have a word in his office. I told him I was off and that I wanted to go downstairs instead. I said Sam was expecting me to bring the cups. Patton laughed again, said Sam was busy getting a private lap dance as we spoke."
"I told him I still wanted to go downstairs and he said he would let me if I only stepped in to his office for a minute or so. He said we needed to clear the air."
"Did you go with him?" Liv asked carefully.
"I wasn't planning to, I mean I did move towards the door but I was planning on trying to make a run for it but then… he was in the way again. And he told me to not make the situation worse. He took the cups from me, gestured me in to his office. I don't know what happened to the cups," Amanda's voice sounded clearer all of a sudden and her eyes came up to meet Liv's.
"I mean I know he took them, I'm pretty sure he didn't close the door to the old recreation room. But he didn't have the cups in his office. I didn't see the cups when I ran out later. They were not in the hallway. I think the door was still open though, or maybe it wasn't? I'm not sure. I don't know what happened to the cups. I wonder if they got them. They needed more cups. The cups were running low. I promised to get them more cups."
Amanda's eyes were somewhere in the distance, she was rambling and Liv exchanged a glance with Barba.
"Don't worry about that now Amanda," Liv said soothing.
Amanda stopped rambling but her eyes were still vacant. Liv thought about trying to reach out to her again but she wasn't sure how Amanda would react. Barba was the one that made a move though. He fished out a handkerchief from his inner pocket, carefully and silently handed it over to Amanda. It brought Amanda out of her daze, she seemed thrown at first but then whispered a thank you as she caught the small trail of blood coming from her palm. One of her nails had drawn blood and she pushed the fabric against it, feeling slightly embarrassed and also a little sick to her stomach. Liv didn't see what was going on below the table but trusted Barba to have whatever it was covered.
"What happened in his office?" Liv asked after what she hoped was enough time for Amanda to gather herself. Amanda's blues passed hers quickly, she sat up a little and inhaled before she continued.
"I know I shouldn't have gone in there but I did. I heard him lock the door behind me but when I turned around it was too late. It was already locked and he pulled a chair in front of the door. I just knew it was bad. He asked me what my problem was. Why I just couldn't be a good sport, be one of the boys. I spaced out for a while, I dunno I guess I tried to figure out how to get out of there or maybe I was just blank, I dunno."
Amanda shook her head a little, an awkward smile appearing on her face as fast as it disappeared.
"He kept talking, something about how he didn't get why women had to play so coy, why not just be one of the boys like the stripper downstairs. Just give 'em what they wanted and that was that. Why make it so difficult?.. He…" Amanda had a hard time breathing and she found it hard to get the words out.
"Just take your time," Liv said softly. Amanda shook her head though, she had to get this out now.
"He said it was my own fault. If I made it difficult I would make it hurt and he didn't want that for me. All he wanted was to be friends. Good friends. I stumbled on a chair as he approached me, I'd backed up, I almost fell over and he laughed. He grabbed a fistful of hair at the back of my neck as I tried to straighten up again. It didn't hurt much though, I didn't even feel it. Just that I couldn't get lose and he brought me over to his desk so easily. I tried to get to his hand, get him to let me lose but I didn't even try to… I mean I could've just hit him in the jugular, kicked his chin, kneed his crotch. That would've been so easy right? I could've done that? I should've done that?"
Amanda's face was crumbling slightly and she looked to Liv with pleading eyes. Liv shook her head.
"He was your superior officer Amanda," she spoke softly, "He outranked you. You have nothing to be ashamed off."
Amanda shook her head though as her eyes went down to her lap again. A tear trickled down her cheek and she used the blood spotted napkin to wipe it off. Liv glanced at Barba with some concern but his eyes were glued on Amanda so Liv's eyes went back there.
"Tell me what happened Amanda," she said.
"He pushed me against his desk," Amanda breathed, her voice was low but Liv didn't push her to speak louder, "I tried to wriggle out, ended up on my stomach against his desk. He said Oh no no no, that's not the way I like it. I want to be able to see you. And he flipped me over."
"Had he let go off your hair?" Liv asked carefully. Amanda nodded slightly.
"He covered my mouth with one hand, grabbed one of my wrists with the other."
"You tried to scream?" Liv took from that.
"I dunno, I guess yeah cause he hushed me. At first. But I guess I didn't stop cause then he grabbed my head with both hands and banged my head in the desk. Once really hard, then a second time but I couldn't feel it as much. I think I'd closed my eyes, it was black, bright spots flashing and for a while I couldn't really hear what he was saying, it was mostly just like a humming but his mouth was moving when I finally could focus my eyes again."
Amanda swallowed hard before she continued.
"He told me to stop resisting, to not make it harder for myself. He pinned my wrists down, used his body to hold the rest of me down. He smelled of alcohol. I could feel it even more when he tried to kiss me. I didn't try to bite him. I didn't. He got angry again though that I wouldn't lie still. And that's when he said I'd been much more compliant the last time. I think that stunned me a little cause I think I stopped resisting, at least as hard as before. He… snickered. Seemed to enjoy my reaction so he kept talking. Said I'd been so willing, just gone along with everything he wanted. He said being drunk become me, that I should try it more often. He said I'd begged for more and that he'd given it to me. I think I was still stunned cause he'd managed to pin both my wrists down using just one hand and then his… free hand was on my cheek and I started struggling again. He grabbed the side of my head, my hair, and he told me to shut up and… stop being such a baby. This was what I wanted. I should feel humbled he wanted me. And he said no one would believe me, that everyone at the station knew how I'd come on to him ever since we slept together. How I wanted him to leave his wife. He said my sister would go to prison if I told anyone, that he would make sure of it. That's the last thing I heard, maybe he said something else, I dunno."
Liv could see her eyes, they'd been resting on some unidentified spot on the table but now they went vacant. Liv could literally see a veil get pulled in front of them.
"All I felt was his hand working to get my pants down. He managed to cause I don't think I struggled much. He still had my wrists pinned down though. I could feel his desk cover rubbing against my back."
Liv couldn't help but remember running her fingers over what could be that same desk cover Amanda had just mentioned. It had a thicker frame at the top, looked made of wood and the cover itself had looked very rundown, antique in some way. It made Liv's mental image even more vivid and she caught herself shivering.
"He got his pants down next and it was… I didn't think… it… could physically hurt that much. It had never hurt that much before. It went on for a while, I lost feeling after a while. When he was done he just stood up. I fell down on the floor. Between him and the desk. I just sat there, legs pulled up but my pants still down, I dunno what I was doing. Maybe I froze? I couldn't really see anything but I know he was right there, my legs were still touching his, and I heard him zip up. I still can't stand that sound. Then he sat down and he grabbed my head again. He told me to look at him and to really pay attention. He said no one would believe me, that if I told anyone he would turn everyone against me and my sister would be gone for good. I believed him, he made me say I believed him. He told me to get up, to zip up, just mosey my way out of there in a calm and composed manner and everything would be just fine… So that's what I did. Until I got to the door… The… chair, I couldn't move it at first. It was just a chair but it stuck to the floor and I thought he was coming up behind be so I flipped it, got the door unlocked and ran out of there. And that was it… that was it…"
Amanda's breath had picked up as she talked about the chair but it calmed right back down again and she kept mumbling 'that was it' a couple more times. Her eyelashes flickered a few times and then it was like that veil lifted. When she met Liv's eyes though she still looked a little vacant, somewhat drained and Liv didn't blame her if that's how she felt.
"Did someone see you leave?"
"I don't think so," Amanda said silently.
"And where did you go?"
"Home."
"What did you do when you got home?"
Amanda swallowed, her eyes drifting off again.
"I took a shower. I didn't hesitate, I went straight for the shower. I think I was in there for a long time. I wanted to get to bed after that but I just…"
Liv saw Amanda swallow a few times, smacked her tongue a little.
"I could still feel him, taste him. I washed my mouth out with whiskey. It didn't help so then I drank the bottle of whiskey instead, and then I went to bed."
"Did you tell anyone what had happened?" Liv asked. Amanda looked at her. Liv couldn't really read her look, was she contemplating how truthful she could be? Amanda then shook her head.
"I… I took a sick day that following Monday. Sam had tried to call me. Friday night, and Saturday. He called me in to his office Tuesday. He said someone had seen me running out Friday, wanted to know if I was okay."
"Can you remember who that someone was? That had seen you?" Liv asked but Amanda shook her head.
"Maybe Sam can tell us," Liv said, it would help their case if they had a witness, "What did you tell Sam?"
"I told him I was fine," Amanda said and gave Liv a crocked smile.
"And I was… rather fine. I'd already started to tell myself nothing had happened. But he pushed a little, made it seem like that person might have said I didn't look so fine. So I told him… Patton had come on to me, that I had to fend him off. I didn't think he would believe me but he seemed to. He said that yeah Patton had been rather drunk Friday night. They all kinda had been. He asked me again though, if I held something back. And I said no, that was it but I was getting tired of him coming on to me. Sam seemed to… get it. I mean he had to have gotten it, he got me transferred like two months later."
"But you never disclosed it to anyone?" Liv asked and when Amanda shook her head she moved on quickly not wanting to put any blame on her, "Where you injured? Did anyone see your injuries?"
"I went to my OB-gyn after a couple of days, I wouldn't stop bleeding."
"So they have records? Did they see any marks, bruises?"
Amanda shrugged.
"She… did ask if something had happened but I just said no, that I might've just had rough sex."
"But there might be records off it, can we send for them?"
Amanda just nodded a bit detached.
"My sister saw me," she mumbled.
"What was that?" Liv asked since she wasn't sure she'd heard her properly.
"My sister saw me the day after," Amanda said speaking up a little, "She was staying at my place, it was a term for her probation, and she walked in to the bathroom. I barely had my towel on and she saw… the state of me."
"What was your state Amanda?" Liv asked. Amanda looked a little reluctant to answer but forced herself.
"My wrists were bruised. I had a bite-mark on my collarbone, I don't remember when that happened. And one on my breast," she admitted shamefully, "I had bruises on my back. One elbow was scuffed, and my thighs… the inside of my thighs were bruised."
"And what of this did Kim witness?"
"My back, I had my back turned to her at first. Then she saw my wrists, the bite-mark on my collarbone. I remember her fingers went over it before I shoved her outside. I heard her through the door, she told me I looked like when Jeff got his hands on her. She laughed. But then she knocked again and I told her to sod off."
"Okay," Liv said, trying a soft smile at Amanda, "How did Patton act around you afterwards?"
Amanda's eyes went up a little towards the ceiling as she took a deep breath and tried to remember back.
"He didn't ignore, I mean it wasn't like the last time. He got right back to his tricks, his… ways. Later that next week he walked in to the squad room and I could see him aim straight for my desk. I puked… I puked in my recycling bin. Patton seemed to find it funny, said I probably had the bug going around and he sent me home."
"Did he… touch you again?" Liv asked. Amanda shook her head.
"And you transferred two months later?"
"I had my interview with Cragen two months later, moved three weeks after that."
"Have you heard from him since? Did he call? E-mail?"
"No. I've only been back three times, all business. He was around the first time but I just saw him briefly. Second time he stayed away and this third time… I mean he brought us the rape kits. I had to call him once the case was closed, he told me he would be up here for the winter conference. He… said he wanted to have a drink."
"So that's why he tried to call you, for that drink?" Liv asked but Amanda just shrugged.
"I told him in December that I would probably be busy but he said… he said I should know he doesn't take no for an answer."
"So you didn't pick up when he called?" Liv asked. Amanda shook her head.
"Did you read his texts?" Liv asked. Amanda took a little time but then nodded. Liv started to feel as though she had everything they needed for now. She caught Amanda's lower lip start to shiver.
"If I'd picked up… she might not have gotten… he might not have right?" she asked, her voice extremely frail.
"Amanda, don't…" Liv tried but Amanda's face had crumbled. She was so tired, felt so drained but yet tears started to leak from her eyes. She did her best to stop them from pouring out with the napkin Barba had handed her earlier.
"No, it is my fault. She would've never had to sleep with him in the first place, he's a master manipulator, and she most certainly wouldn't…"
"Amanda, please don't blame yourself," Liv said as she reached over to turn the recorder off. She'd been so brave during the entire interview and Liv wanted to spare her from getting her tears recorded now.
"But I am to blame, he would've…" Amanda started but then, out of the blue, Barba cut in.
"Nothing of this is your fault detective Rollins," he said sincerely but yet sternly as he sat up a little. Amanda had turned to him as he spoke, a breath or perhaps a sob getting stuck in her throat and her body shivered slightly as it forced itself out as she listened to him.
"This man is a disgrace to the police department, to the human kind frankly. Nothing of this is your fault. Nothing," he repeated it to make sure she got it, those eyes intensely blue underneath those square sets of eyebrows. Even Liv felt the intensity from across the table. She gave him a slight nod since he seemed to be waiting for one and then he sat back a little on his chair, glancing over towards Liv.
"We got everything right?" Liv asked him and he nodded.
"It's not too late to add charges?"
Barba shook his head. He knew the answer wasn't that straight forward but he'd work with everything he had towards that.
"Okay, I'll talk to Dodds then," Liv said with a slight sigh, she wasn't really looking forward to either making that call or the reservations she already knew he would have. Liv looked back over on Amanda, her eyes peeked up from underneath that blonde bangs of hers.
"And are you ready to sit in court and repeat all of this?" Liv asked. Amanda looked scared but after a few intense moments she gave Liv a single nod.
"Can you say it Amanda?" Liv asked, caught the perplexed look on Amanda's face and explained herself further, "What he did to you, can you say that he raped you?"
Liv caught the slight shiver just hearing the word.
"You'll have to be able to say it Amanda," Liv urged.
Barba had heard her say it not just once but twice and his gut flipped just remembering.
"I will," Amanda whispered.
"Why don't you try saying it out loud right now?" Liv challenged. She knew what a big step that could be but Amanda would have to step up quickly.
"You mean…" Amanda whispered and Liv nodded.
"He…" Amanda started but got tongue-tied.
"Try again and start with deputy chief…" Liv urged.
Amanda took a deep breath, swallowed hard and tried again;
"Deputy chief Patton… raped me," Amanda said, "He raped me."
Liv gave her an encouraging look and smile. Amanda looked a little relieved in the middle of the ordeal and the toll it had taken on her.
"And he's going to pay for it," Liv whispered to her.
"Remember that all through history, there have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they seem invincible. But in the end, they always fall. Always." ~ Mahatma Gandhi